these are the best days of our lives

The day went just like every other day goes. Second block with mr.prince (theater) was fun, Since were working on the One act for our individual class, its a better cast then my real one act had, so i'm feeling pretty good about it, to bad we don't really get to make a show out of it. Both my charachters have stupid lines, well esmerelda does, but the enchanted hamster is just silly all together, Mr prince decided it would be fun if we stood up there with our frunt teeth up, me and this other girl, named amanda, because shes a gerbile too. Now everytime i say this one line, its like an inside joke for the whole class because the first time i read it i made a mistake.. "potato pa-tat-to" but insted of creating the different ways to say it, i just siad potato potato, brilliant. Anyways there not going to let me live that one down, i thought they would, but since they had not forgotten about it by today, im guessing there not going to, at least there laughing right ?

Third block was just as silly, because Mr.prior is such a goofy teacher, the only thing i cant stand is that he claps somtimes when he's all hyped up, or trying to get our attention. I like him because he trys to do fun stuff even if most the time the only fun were getting out of it, is saying how ridiculous the over all thought was, but we give him credit for trying. Since SOLS are done with, were just doing busy work basically. Today we were learning about Sumo restling.. and we had a tournament. Heres how it all went down.. We got a mini person outline on small peice of paper, we colored it or some people scribbled, and then we cut our restler out, and folded him in a way that we thought would be best for the "battle" then we placed your man aginst somone elses, based on how the tournament was set up and then you placed ONE finger yep just one, and tapped it as fast, hard as you could. I won everytime and made it to the champion face off, haha People were fliippin out and it was crazy. and then i won! and was declared champion, they all thought i was cheating or somthing but i just told them i lift finger weights ever now and then. I did color mine better then everyone else but not so that it looked nice, so that it would be slightly heavier, cause i pushed down on the crayon as harrd as it would before it broke. I dont know if it helped.. perhaps its just a natural skill. xP im only kidding.

Nothing eventful happened in fourth block, but i rode the bus home to my moms house, so i could get my stuff, and work on my chair. It was more crowded then usual. No one would sit by my sister but a real nerdy kid sat by me, he was from the middle school, and you just new from the way he looked, that he was one of those kids thats the Jerks make fun of. He reminded me more of a charachter for a book or somthing, some people just have that effect. He had a funny shirt, well it was so me, it was fair toned, and had alot of little turtles on it in weird forms, or different patterns, it didnt look like an old man beach shirt or anything, I liked it. Then he complemented that with one of those cheap necalces, with the plastic beads that remind you of a mini disco ball, they were all read and on the end of it all was a Chilli pepper, the size of somones nose. His name was patrick or thats what his name tag siad, one that was attatched to a breif case like thing. An awkward kid indeed. He didnt say anything the whole ride to anyone. that doesnt mean much though i wasnt to far ahead of him, I only siad a small mumble to one kid. Dug. Yeah with a name like that all you can think of is annoying and thats exactly right. All last year he was the loudest one there, one of those kids that doesnt think your serious, when you say shut up, even if the whole bus is practically spelling it out to him. To top it off hes got this additude, where he thinks he some sort of king like hes on this level that no one else is close too. He basically threw his shit load at me like i wanted to hold it, HE didnt even ask he told me to, and that really bugs me, i wanted to just throw the thing under the seat, Since he didnt ask i never agreed to holding anything, so it wasnt my responsiblity or my issue if it just "slipped" under there. I didnt do anything, he had the stop before, but it might have felt pretty good, its not like it would be gone forever, if anything Chuck the bus driver would have gotton it that night. Besides its almost the end of the year, NO ones learning anything that important by this time.

I shaved my legs today! and now there soft so yay. i used some fancy razor that made it all easier, however i did manage to cut myself, on the back of my leg where it bends, and i dont usually do that, haha vittoria told me she always cutes there though, just that day we shaved hunters legs.. Hm and i wonder how prickly they have gotton since then.. .. .. Anyways its actually a bigger cut then it felt like, im just not feeling cuts today like i should.
And i would call it safe to say my mom has defective pop corn, this bag number two, and it only got halfway popped and then EXPLODED, well not quite, but popcorn was shotting out of the bag, a hole ripped through. That happened on both bags, It still tastes good.
I think i pulled a muscle so damn volley ball. i didnt stretch :P oops, i forgot, haha and .. i cant help myself from going all out since i think its fun.. so darn, but its not a bad one, i shouldnt feel it come wensday.

Another eventful weekend, however i didn't spend any of it with my friends, i was going to have a sleep over with vittoria, but that didnt happen. Its ok though, i wasnt in the mood really to have a friend weekend, but next week Will be one. I need a sleep over, since its been a while. Although i wasn't with my friends i stayed busy, i really wanted more down time, but then agian i always want more. There never is enough weekend, even if this one was a three day weekend, since we got monday off.

Friday i rode the bus home with my mom, so that i could get up early and go straight to the Renaissance fair.On the way there we stopped at mcdonalds, i got some hash browns. The guy at the counter really caught my attention, simply because he was one of those people that really looks at you when they talked, like made you feel either like your just really pretty, or you have sothing out of place on your face. Maybe it was just me because i couldnt tell if he was the same way with everyone else, but he kept looking back in my direction like i was the one ordering, but it was my mom who was doing the talking.  He was dark but had really light eyes, he just looked really soft, like somone who you could find yourself really close to without knowing you were closing any distance. ....I felt a little self consious, my hair was wild, it looked darker then usuall because i had not brushed it, which also made it real wavy, not vittoria crazy, but a crazy for me. ...I was happy to be back in the car.

The fair was alot of fun, since they had a lot of cool stuff. Like alot of fairy stuff, they had a bunch of celtic stuff too. And one area had a bunch of Geos. i didnt buy anything, but they shows were fun to watch. My favorite were these two boys, they were adorable,  and freekishly flexible. They would bend themselfs into Furniture, they did some Jugling too, but i deffinitly found the furniture making interesting, all i have to say is they must have been pretty comfortable with eachother. I volenteered Jessica to go up there, and they threw stuff at her, and if she flinched then she would have hit the stuff being thrown behind her, it was really amusing, i was hoping they would slip up and hit her.. but ofcorse they did not.  Other then that people were all dressed up, i was a little bummed i didnt get to dress up too, since i love doing so and all, im sure i could have found somthing, probally more  Gypsy like going with my clothes, but i didnt have any time to pick anything out, and i didnt think about it thursday. The morning just came sooner then i thought it would, then agian most mornings do.  It was still amusing, Some people on the other hand shouldnt have dressed up quite so much. This one lady with way to much make up, was dressed up like a street whore i guess. Or thats how she looked, and she wasnt the skinnyest thing if you know what im saying.

After that my mom took us on a surprise adventure, we went up near the tappohanok and camped out. We took  moe along too, we got him a cheese burger from mcdonalds, and i dont think he could have been happier, He always gets left at home, so that was nice. Me and my mom did all the setting up.. while jessica kept the car lights on and entertained moe. Since it was so dark we needed the lights to stay on, eventually the tent looked like it would stand up, but while we were getting it up, i had my doubts. One thing i like about going camping is the stars are always so much more noticable then they are were i live, i can barely see them at my dads house, but that depends on how cloudy it is.  My mom and sister slept on these lay down chair things and i volenteered myself for the ground, i dont mind. its not like a woodfloor or anything, sleeping on a wood floor, that is a bad idea, i did it once at christinas house, and i nearly froze all night, I bruised up my hip bones too, from rolling around. I think hunter was sleeping next to me, but im not completly sure i just know i didnt wanna Go for warmth on whoever because i was going out with sam, and it just would have felt  weird. I dont think i liked hunter at that point or anything, well i'm not completly sure on that. So yeah, Wooden floors is a no go. That morning was wonderful, because it felt like morning, but in a good way, Like that misty feeling when its to early to be functional, and the abnoxious birds that you just want to strangle, dont get me wrong i love those birds, there part of all mornings, functional or not. We didnt stay long after that, i finished reading the outsiders, and jessica slept through mostly everything. My mom played in her phone... ever since she got new friends, shes no better then a teen age girl. Eventually jessica came around, and couldnt wait to destroy our beautiful tent, if only she was that eager to set it up. JEssica does what she wants, so that didnt take long. After that we went down to the half beach thing. It was nice, a little cold, but i dont usually get in. and that bothers me, because i remember when i was younger, maybe in middle school and i would be at a pool, or the beach and see all the people just sitting there, reading or tanning, and i thought it was such a waste of time and just, not fun, and i thought to myself when i get there im going to still play around in the water, but now i cant help but to appreciate the time i had just looking at it. I mean its not like i sat there reveled and tanned, no thanks, i like my complection the way it is, but  i didnt mind just laying down and listening to what was around me. Moe was restless but other then that it was really nice. Too bad it had to end.

I went back home so i could work on my chair. Jessica and mom went down to some meet up thing, with her friends, they went to help out this man move, He's being evicted from his home, rumer has it that he has a really cute son, but thats coming from jessica and my mom, so .. im not sure how much thats saying. My mom dropped me off at kroger, i had to walk back but i didnt mind, i needed some art supplies, for a project, besides i like walking, just freeing myself. IT was hot, uncomfortably hot, but i didnt mind much because i was in a T-shirt and shorts, and my hair was pulled back but it wasnt neat or anything. I was alright once i got in the neighborhood, My least favorite part is also my favorite part, Its right when i get out of kroger i have to follow a double laned road going in two directions for a good half mile, until i get to the court yard entrance, i only like that part because its one of those "picturte perfect" moments where, insted of feeling like everythings real you feel like your apart of some movie, and your not yourself but your just  watchin someone else walk on a road. They dont know where the're headed... but the veiwer does. I walked on the side of the road most of the way but when i car was coming i had to hope into the grass, the tall tick infested grass. Three ticks attempted on attcking me, but my hary legs always felt them, so i flicked them all away, befor they could attatch themselves. I also pasted a random person, he looked like he was having a bad day,i politly smiled but i didnt get much out of him but an awkward grunt, so i kept going. The rest of my journey was mindless, my mind was tired but my feet kept going, and thank goodness for that. The only think i was awake enough to notice, were the twitchy squirrels, and there was a car with a lisence plate of IM CHELL at first i saw it as I am shell, but then i thought it could just be Michelle but with the M and I reveresed, but at this point i was pretty delusional, and i didnt really know what i was thinking about. I cut through a few peoples yards, i felt a little guilty, but it was walk 10 yards through someones back yard or half a mile, in a pointless loop. what would you have done? Besides if im older, i dont think ill mind much if somone wants to walk through my yard, i think i'd get over it . 

I took a long long nap. I slepy all day, and all night, i didnt wake up until the next day. Monday. 

Another eventful, day. The plan was to go to a pic-nic.. i couldnt decide if i was making the right choice in going but my mom really wanted me to go, she siad that all the other parents, were bringing there kids too, well parents after all this is a singles meet up picnic.  I didn't care much for that, but she siad they would have food, and be doing stuff.. so i caved and went. It was lame at first but thats because no one was there, we had to get there early, because we helped with stuff, well i made them a poster, and jessica made one too, but you couldnt really read hers. I only made one because my mom challenged me into it. The picnic was at this place i had a soccer tournament at one time. We didnt do to good that year, from what i remember, it felt weird to go there, since there was one this weekend, and i actually siad no and ment it. Year after year i have always been there in the end for bill and my team but i really didnt want to, they stress me out, and playing defensivly if i mess up it could cost us a goal and its just so much pressure, i feel bad, because bill was practically begging me, and i think he thought i would cave since i usally do. I feel bad, Cause i really have always been there, when we had a real ruff season and alot of pepole, left we got alot of new people. and he always counted on me because i was the only one who would do anything, theyd complain and one time i was so fed up, i staight up asked them what they were doing here, at practice if they dont want to do anything cause the rest of us want to move on, it was one girl, but she got everyone to complain with her, until i spoke up and then they sided with me, and started to work agian, i mean i couldnt take it, i wasnt there to waste me time, i mean i have known bill and if he tells you to do somthing, hes not gonna just say never mind, and all we did was waste time, argueing, and i am deffinitly not going to waste any time.. talk about a guilt trip.. The picnic right. Once it got started it wasnt bad, the food wasnt great and people would come over and shake my hand, i mean its a nice gesture but idont really go for hand shaking, i dont know where there hand has been. Its not like i have a choice, Like if i dont shake there hand that would leave them.. Just standing there with there hand in mid air, until rejection its them and they awkwardly try somthing to cover it up, then they say somthing stupid, and feel stupid for saying it.. it would just be bad. so ill save them the embarrasment.  While i was eating this one kid kept looking at me, I dont know who he was but my mom noticed it too, i felt weird, because i already dont like eating infront of people,and it seemed i had a one man audience. He was wearing a jesus shirt, but if he really found the way i ate so interesting then he should have came over and talked to me, maybe i would have showed him my chewing technique.. yes that was sarcasm. I saw that mans son too, the one jessica and mom siad was cute, and believe it or not he was, he had light brown poofy hair, but it was an odd shade, he wasnt real tall, but i came up to about his chin, i think, i dont  know i kept my distance i felt to awkward, cause i felt like he kept walkign around our table pointlessly. i finally got jessica to get up and hit a volley ball with me, before i new it other people came and joined us, it was alot of fun. I like playing sports, because im some what atheletic, i mean im not better then the super sporty kids, who ONLY play sports but i think i play better then your typical person. I really like playing with people like that, they might have been old, but atleast they could play, i mean i hate playing at school because the boys are all such dicks, ,meaning they wont give any girls a chance because there girls, but i dont want to play with them anyways, because there like a bunch of lions fighting over a steak. I impressed them atleast, they asked me if i was on the school team believe it or not, i was flattered, and ofcorse i siad, no. and somoeone asked if my mom plays, i just laughed at the thought, i could have played all day, i mean like i siad they wernt bad either, the girls went to good, but alot of the older men seemed like they played before too. We played for a long time, and that sand was rough, it didnt sting but i cut up me knee and my toe. Not painful in any way. It ended eventually, as most good things do. My  mom was ready to leave any ways, so atleast the timing was good. n my way out this one guy who was playing came over to us, and siad good by, and he was real curious about what school i went to, apparently he works in the chesterfeild district, He was disapointed that i went to Lee Davis, My mom says she thinks he wanted to see if i could play or somthing, she thinks he coaches valley ball, its not hard to believe, since he was good, and he kept giving a few pointers here and there, like it was instinct. SO it was a good choice indeed. there nice people. well the ones that know, not that my mom needs me to approve the people she hangs out with. Shes free to talk to whoever she wants to.

Another song from cartel, its just what came on, and i found it appropriate.

Smooth like a rolling crystal ball
Heading for a sideline
Straight towards the fall
No one will get through
No one will get through at all

The night sky illuminates it all
Like a distant firefight
Always orchestral
The sun is coming soon
Just to pass by you
By you

And I will hide myself away
Save all of these people for another day
And I will hide myself away
Just to spite them all for another day

The moon comes down on me again
Soon this lonely dream now slowly will begin
Giving me this pain
This paralyzing pain again

The night sky illuminates it all
Like a distant firefight
Always orchestral
Time is coming soon
Just to pass by you
Pass by you

And I will hide myself away
Save all of these people for another day
And I will hide myself away
Just to spite them all for another day

Smooth like a rolling crystal ball
Heading for a sideline
Straight towards the fall
No one will get through
No one will get through at all

And I will hide myself away
Save all of these people for another day
And I will hide myself away
Just to spite them all for another day

And I will hide myself away
? everyone this day
And I am not much a friend this way
No, I'm not fit to wear that hat today

cartel - i will hide myself away .

The only events today that were worh crossing my mind for a second take, would be third block., which means math.we have first lunch, and i havent eatin lunch with sam yet, since the SOLS were all last week, and they changed the lunches up. .I just dont know what he wants me to do. and richard and jenniffer went sitting at the table, they abondend me! So, was i sopposed to just sit there and feel horrible? I was, i was going to see what was going to happen but then my friend brook called me over and i sat with her and allison Ferrel, She isnt the same allison i go to school with or anything, i met her in the theater program . Lunch ended soon enough, all we really talked about was typical conversation which was actually nice, i mean we talked about the weather, and i learned about there relationship status, there both unhappy with it, allison thinks she isnt good enough for somone, or there just isnt anyone good enough for her. Brooks had her share of boy friends, but shes single now, and she likes somone who isnt interested.. So when i did get back to class Shelby wasn't there today apparently ricahrd and jenjen wernt the only ones to abonden me...so that left me and sam, however today in math.. We did absolutly nothing, other then a work sheet of ridles, a work sheet that we had already done in the begining of the year, though i didnt remember the answers .. i didnt care because i was in a book, because i didnt want to feel any more awkward then i felt. Sam was sitting there next to me while all his friends were at the other table.. i didnt understand why he wouldnt just go sit with them, i felt like i was holding him captive or somthing though i siad nothing. I wont lie i liked his company, like it just made it seem like even though he's hurting he wanted to be there.. So even though i came off as distracted and unconcerned, i really wasn't to involved in my book, i was reading it, but i was reading somthing else too. he left me for a while and i was happy, because i didnt feel so weird, like i was making him sit by me and be sad. i was glad he wasnt just sitting there, seeming to be suffering. I want him to be as happy as he can, and it just seems to make it worse when hes near me. Like Why was he still sitting here, when im not even talking, not doing anything that would be worth sitting there for. But he did come back, and i wanted him to just be with his friends because i feel like hes so much happier, and i only feel that because its true, but really it didnt make sense to me. SO i kept reading, like it was my excuse as to why i wasnt talking, but it was really because i was hiding, like i have been doing, maybe thats why i have felt disguised latly. I didnt realize it until sam posted a bulliten about how un effected i have been, and he didnt understand.. but im effected so much more then im letting off. And thats just who i am, i bottle things, to avoid any conflict, or just to seem like im un emotional. In this case however i think im hiding because im afriad of letting myself go, i mean right now i am in control of my emotions, but what if i let go ? what if i just started to let everything out i have ever help in and i cry, and cry. That wouldnt help anything, because crying does nothing. If i let myself go, then i might lose control of what i have worked to contain, and i dont want that, i like being in control, i need the peace it brings me. And therefor i wont cave in. I am happy, truly. I just miss my friend thats all. Whats really pathetic though is that I wont talk to him or make any conversation but i want to so badly, and its pathetic because i sit here and i wait, im waiting for him to post entrys so i can know just what hes doing, and how he is. Its like i want him to be online right now, on aim...even though i dont talk to him, i feel better when he is online, yet i know right now he is so much happier with His friends. Those friends that can make him happy, and how i am so thankful for them, regardless of that bad things they do .

And thinking about control, im at my moms house agian and.. my sister threw abother one of her "drama episodes" she had been nagging her all day and finally my mom stepped in thats when she went beserko because she isnt used to that. She was nagging me like she was my mom, like she always does and it ended in saying how i get eveything, we went to the grociery store and i picked out some cucumbers, and thats where she started the i get everything.. it was just one cucumber. They make me happy. ANyways if she was a boy, i would say she would have the symtoms of an early abusive husband. liek the kind of people that your sopposed to avoid when it comes to relationships. She montitors everything my mom does, like she will talk to my moms friends and steel her phone, to know whats going on, or just to get into every bit of her own life, because jessica just has to be in it. Shes a constant critic, along with being selfish . she has always been there to target where it effects people most, thats what she does and she knows it, she knows she has the power to piss somoen off because she knows just where to pick at. My mom thinks shes jealous, and shes right, she is so jealous of everythign she will never be happy, because i really believe getting rid of desire is one of the only ways to truly be happy. If your jealous then all you have is the desire to have what everone else does. I think she likes control and when she doesnt have it, shes scared, or doesnt reaact well, i only think that because she is contantly controlling my mom, who she talks to when, and where, its like my moms the child, she treats me the same way. And its fucked up.

I wasn't much but it was quick. All i knew was that i was falling, but i wasn't alone, and i was inside a car with someone i cared about alot. We were headed twords open water and the only think i could think of was all those movies were people die because they can't get the car door open, So i shouted for me and my friend to get out, to get the doors open and get out before we hit the water and sunk. The visual to my over all dream was blurry, just colors, but i could think perfectly clear, even though i had no knowledge of what or how we ended up falling .. but i did know that even though i was the driver i didn't do anything wrong, because i felt no guilt. Or maybe that was just because my first thought was to get out of the car.

And then i had another very short dream but this one was more Visual, and i couldn't feel anything. Actually i couldnt see anything except what was in the focus of just blackness. which was the iguana in mr.kidders ecology class, although it had gone all hay wired, and looked like it was on fast forword since usually it barely moves. It was scrathing,  and very angry. And that was it, Very short but vivid.

A bulliten omar posted on myspace, for everyone to read. 

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flyingearlobe00??7:?? in all honesty

flyingearlobe00??7:?? i dont really care.

q12oikm03t592w2??3:?? you dotn care

q12oikm03t592w2??3:?? XD

q12oikm03t592w2??3:?? i know

q12oikm03t592w2??3:?? your so bamf

q12oikm03t592w2??3:?? not giving a fuck

flyingearlobe00??7:?? i care about other things..

q12oikm03t592w2??3:?? cell phon

flyingearlobe00??7:?? okay. sure. 

q12oikm03t592w2??3:?? XD

flyingearlobe00??7:?? i was kinda talking about caring about theatre and such, since i just got inducted into ITS tonight, but you know, other random pointless things work too

q12oikm03t592w2??3:?? congrats

q12oikm03t592w2??3:?? now you're just a little more important then you were

flyingearlobe00??7:?? okay omar. this is why i dont talk to you.

flyingearlobe00??7:?? go be fucking depressed and leave me alone

q12oikm03t592w2??3:?? XD haha

q12oikm03t592w2??3:?? im

q12oikm03t592w2??3:?? just doin it

q12oikm03t592w2??3:?? to piss you off

flyingearlobe00??7:?? sure. whatever. i hate talking to you. goodbuye

--- flyingearlobe00??7 has signed off and will receive your IMs when signing back in.

q12oikm03t592w2??3:?? txt me bby







hehe

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So what does this mean ? that he's going all hypocritical, cause from what i remember He was the one who siad we were shallow, who didnt understand why people make people mad just because they can, Isn't he sopposed to be the all and inspirational ? I would hate to let him see how it effected me because thats what he wants, is for vittoria to get mad, and i might just be a bonus, Hunter P and omar both just want to make vittoria mad, and its Such a waste of emotion, but how can we help our selves from feeling? I just didnt see the point in posting it as a bulliten, to make it into a show.. SO people really give a fuck ? I feel like he only did it as if he wants people to Think as vittoria as some bitch when really he is only making himself look like a total dick .  Is that really how low you have sunken? To wear you can only find pleasure through Some one elses anger? thats pretty damn low, but i mean hey! at lest you are entertained. Besides that it just bothers me because omar is always preeching on and on about everyone thinking on higher levels and much better the world would be, How nothing matters, and people just do things for no reason, why people make fun of others for no reason, and how thats just pointless.. well what is that? right there? Like how can you preech about somthing you certainly do not fully believe, when your really just like everyone else, all those people that you see as "shallow" and "stupid" right? Dont let me stop you. 

Thinking about omar, i really do think he felt they way abotu everything he siad in that conversation with him and sam, i forgive sam for it because i just agreed, yes i was disapointed. Omar however siad it was all out of rage, how you say things you dont mean when your mad and i get that, but those thoughts come from some where, so they have obviously crossed his mind, and i know no matter the cover he tries to pull he thinks were all shallow, shallow and stuck up and are hiding in out own little bubble, but what i dont understand is if where in this bubble, full of all these shallow emotions then why would he even dream of breaching it? Wouldnt he keep as much distance from our so called bubbled if he was really over vittoria, and if he really hated us all so much? And most of all if he was really over vittoria .. then why does the anger please him. I think He has twisted his emotions into the easiest ones to feel, and to me that is anger, He did still like vittoria but its like he had just transformed any feelings left for her, But no, that does not mean he is over her. It just means he's is caught up in a different sense. Ugh. To think name calling is not shallow enough . 

 I stayed home from school today, i didn't feel good, as much as i wanted to go to ITS inductions, my want to not go to school was stronger, so here i am .  I got up at like 12.. and then for some reason i had the urge to watch Fullmetal Alchemist all day, so i did.. and i planned on working on my chair.. thats why i had to stop and take a break i got to episode 13 i think. I like it so far, but shouldnt that be obvious since i watched it all day ? 

Thinking of Anime, Im excited for AMA since i  gave rose money for my ticket so she can give it to the people were going with. I want vittoria to meet Ed. haha then she can see why i think he's so adorable. 

i just wanted to get some things straight, because i was thinking about the stuff i have posted about Vittoria before and from the begining of the year most of them were pretty mean, well not mean but harsh or something.  I love vittoria, I had my issues, but i only really would talk about the things that  bothered me, and they only bothered me because of bad timing and the fact that it was vittoria, and i hated myself for it, but with the time that had passed, i have missed  her lots, and i feel over what has been said, I mean i never wanted to talk bad about her because she was my best friend, it was just i had an impression that she did too, so from that point i exploded, every small thing, even if it didnt matter or didnt make any sense because at the time, like most things it made sense then, and because i was raged. SO for the record, vittorias not some horrible person, infact shes my favorite person alive right now, and has been for a very long time, regardless of everything i have said. I think alot of it, went back to 8th grade because i was so jealous of her, But not because she was who she was, but because i felt like no one cared who i was other then "vittoria's best friend" i went where vittoria did, and when i went out with omar, He always liked her so much more, and he was the one person who i wanted to like me. Probally because he was my boyfriend, but as he so obviously wanted to be with vittoria, he was with me, and what else was i to think other then, he was only with me because i was the closest thing he could have to vittoria, or so thats how i felt, and i just blamed vittoria because i was so sure that it was her fault that omar liked her, like she was flirting with him all the time or something, but that was just me, yes she flirts but thats her personality, it was how she treated everyone. I still knew that only Omar was responsible for the way he felt, i just wished it wasn't like that, i was not mad at all by our break up but believed because i was so confused, he siad he loved me, and that might have been but i still did not understand why he loved me so much when he so clearly had a thing for vittoria, the way he would just look at her, but i always promised myself it was just me, being a jealous girlfriend...which was funny because i dont get jealous easily. So though this is all very well in the past I just found it going through my head, as an explination for alot of my anger twords vittoria, which is so far away from me now.  

"Il make it easy. I will call  child services for you. What time is good for you to meet with them ? I told Michelle That you Dont want to pay for anything this weekend, So she needs to Stay with me. When Am i getting Half for Jess braces back Since you say i dont pay for her ?" 

I got that in a text message just now from my mom.  I'm confused as to why she sent it, im not sure what it is, but i think its a message to her from my dad ?  Who knows, right now there lastest arguent is about custody, they were trying this every other weekend thing, but that Didnt really work since every other weekend would be unconvienent for my mom, and then she finally realized that im always gone on weekends. and when im not she is. So that did not go to well, Now there pulling this im not gonna pay for jessica then because you dont want to pay for michelle when she comes, i know where that came from. Jessica, every time i go down there, like if they go to fast food and im in the car.. Jessica will tell me i can not have anything unless i pay.. and im like.. shes my mom to, and you are not my mom, if she doesn't want to pay for me then fine but you don't need to tell me. So i am sure jessica has been ranting on about how dad doesn't pay for her, however can you blame him, she never goes to see him so how would he by her food if she doesn't ever visit? Not that that is true either, because for the first time in a long time she came here while i was over there, i was mad when i got back because she had unplugged my computer speakers, i am not sure why, but she should have left every thing how she found it, i really do not like it when people get in my space, like i feel like there finding out about me, when i don't want them too, like my room is some sort of Display journal, and i dont like it, this is my space. And Now my mom just told me that my dad says were moving back in? I don't know, i think i would actually like it alot, because then my mom and dad could try and be happy agian, and i would see jason alot more, i forgot how much i missed him. They wouldnt have to fight about who see's who when, and it would just be nice. However at the same time it would not be, My freshman year was so fucked up, because Of how everything was, and i hate jessica, so much because she has no sense, She thinks she does, she really believes it too, but in all honesty she doesnt, not even close.  I miss the space, i hate the noise. I miss my brother, I hate jessica. 

My dad says he didnt say that, were moving back in, he said somthing else, like "oh well i bet you would love for me and michelle to move back in and somthing about money or blah blah "  So great now my moms gonna get her hopes up for nothing, actually i think she's in one of her moods agian, I can always tell when she's texting me, or sending me things my dad says, exactly, trying to get my involved in a place where i do not belong.  now that i have wasted my time on those thoughts.. i also have another "for the record" kind of thing  

Is about the reason i am a vegitarien, i do not think Meat is wrong in any way, its like a food chain, people eat animals, its just how things are, as a lion eats its prey. I just think some of the ways we put animals down is wrong, but that still doesnt mess with what i eat. i dont eat meat simply for the reason a .... Bunny wouldn't. It Isn't for me,Its my choice of diet, my interest, i dont like thinking about what i am eating, when it comes to meat, or how easy u have it, how i got this just because i bought it, or something. Anyways thats all. 

 Or destruction, im not really sure, although at this point.. those two words have more in common then i thought. ^.^ I started working on my chair today, i dont want to bring it in to art yet though, because no one else will get what im doing, i mean right now im tapeing cardboard to a chair.. yes it looks like a work in progress, but open minds, right? Any ways, its just that i wanted a certain shape, and its hard to come by so im going to construct part of  it myself. i wanted to do that from the start but i wasn't sure, but the worst is my paper mache wont work and i'll just have to do somthing else, then i can say i tried. Anyways its going good so far. I'm just uncertain to weather it will be strong enough, we'll see. ITs only the back of my chair that needs the construction, Not the actual chair.  

I started a new book today, The Outsiders, I heard it was good, and i know theres a movie on it. Vittoria told me that it was exactly like the book, and that is rare. 

Where Doing a One act in my theater class, well all the theater one classes, i got two parts since there medium /small parts, Where doing "Twinderella" and im the Enchanted Gerbil .. Shirley, i know lovely right, and then i am Esmerelda, Cinderellas mean step sister, excuse me i meant evil. She hates when i say any adjective other then Evil .  

This morning seemed to start late, and end soon simply because i woke up late agian, and agian i only had five minuetes to get ready because sam was picking me up, well his mom. However to my advantage i had a dream about what i wanted to wear today, seems like i knew i would wake up late in my sleep. I like when that happens, because then i dont have to ponder about it, or try to find somthing, i know just what i want. 

 when school finally let out, so it seemed to last forever thanks to my rather difficult Algerbra 2 SOL. Theres not even a point in saying how i think i did. So when that bell rang as usual, i made my run for it, oh sweet freedom. I met up with hunter and hitched a ride on his moms pimped ride, actually She drives the school bus, but close enough. Our mission was directed at good will for finding an appropriate formal outfit for Hunter. He needs it for The ITS inductions, i Would like to go to because i like formal events a lot, and i would like to be there so i can support my friends and watch them give their speeches or monologues. It sounds fun, but then again i would feel a little out of place since I am not being inducted, Then again People will have their parents there.

And then vittoria Called me, and I was distracted from finishing this post. 

I'm done with judgeing people, i don' often, but sometimes i will admit to getting a good laugh at an innocent person every now and then, and don't get me wrong im all for letting people laugh at me, but i don't want to be apart of this sick joke, of being the jury of who gets to be pretty, and who isn't of whose a dork, and whose my friend. I want to meet more people, and extend my social range, would it be so bad to sit at a stranded table with new faces, in this school maybe thats  like suicide, but maybe one day i would come across an excepting table, and from that day on.. i would have a new face in my memories, a new friend. Without Knowing who they were, where they come from, without placing any personality on them by there facial expressions, without any judgement at all. 

I just have to remind myself. I dont think i could forget to be kind, but i forget some times who i am. A disease perhaps to be sucked up by everyone around you, its like a black hole, but with a smiling and welcoming face. In english one day we talked about if it was easy to fit to the "norm" .. and of corse it is, because i truly believe that people lose themselves when they get to school, because of the way this system is designed for everyone to find there click and then be there for the rest of there school years, and college lets you start over, and pick what click you really want. but its like, you might come into this place, with all these interests, with all these dreams, and hopes, but its like the moment you walk in, that smile shines at you, and your doomed to normality, just the overall look of people. because thats what will surround you for the next 12 years of your life. 

Another thing we talked about was if your parents have an impact on who you are and how much, and honestly your parents have till elementary school to set you up because after that, they become your enemy, and you are with the other kids your age much much more then your parents, which is why i think that those kids are the ones with more impact on you, it was just up to your parents to make you independent, tolerant, and to cling on to what you know, before its consumed, so the rest of it is up to you, how much of that independence did you bring with you, how much will do you have, and how much commen sense to know when somthing isnt right. I was fortunate to meet vittoria because i was sucked up into that system, i was an open thinker and always nice to people even if the kids around me wernt that was one thing i had, but i was shy and i never stood up for myself, i had no problem being friends with whoever be friended me, but vittoria, me it so much easier to do what i want, and to feel like i could, to not feel locked up in my own kindness, like because i didnt want to break anyone i was stuck breaking  myself. I'm still nice, to an extent but  i think recently i have almost forgotten who i was, because it was happening again, but i think i have gotten a hold now, and i think its going to be ok .

SkyInTheCloud007 (11:45:16 PM): YOUR NOT GOING TO EVER BE HAPPY. but whats the point of wasting everything you have, when you have plenty of time for rrecovory if you let yourself. 
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:45:22 PM): somthing else could make you happy. 
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:45:29 PM): you went on one day about how you couldnt liek anyone else 
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:45:33 PM): YOU liked christina 
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:45:38 PM): and thats someone else 
ihatyuosmae (11:45:47 PM): but i dont want to be with her
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:45:52 PM): so why do you 
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:45:55 PM): need to be with anyoen 
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:45:56 PM): ?!!? 
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:46:00 PM): right now 
ihatyuosmae (11:46:10 PM): onlyif it was you
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:46:24 PM): that doesnt answer my question 
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:46:29 PM): why do you need to be with me 
ihatyuosmae (11:46:46 PM): because i miss you.  and i love you and i want things to be the way they used to be
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:46:47 PM): right now 
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:46:59 PM): well there not even gonn abe close 
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:47:01 PM): at this rate 
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:47:32 PM): because i really dont want to watch you change even more, and i ddont want to be liek vittoria and omar, but its going to be like that if you keep going on like this 
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:47:38 PM): so unwilling 
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:47:46 PM): to even look for any happiness. 
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:47:50 PM): othen then 
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:47:52 PM): one 
ihatyuosmae (11:47:53 PM): wtf am i gonna do?
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:48:00 PM): i dont know 
ihatyuosmae (11:48:18 PM): youre gonna sever communication with me because i cant be happy and youdont wanna see that?
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:48:28 PM): no 
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:48:30 PM): because you 
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:48:48 PM): all you want to make you happy is some drug and i dont want to be around that 
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:49:26 PM): im so afriad of watchign you change . your afriad of being a worthless zombie? of society? mechanical? do you think that thats going to do anything for you . ? all its gonna do is trap you 
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:49:35 PM): but 
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:49:36 PM): wtvr 

 I was so angry that i deleted him off my myspace, I was planning on switching blog sites, deleting this won completly once i printed it off, but he talked  to me once he saw i was off his myspace. 

ihatyuosmae (10:46:31 PM): before you took me off your myspace
ihatyuosmae (10:46:32 PM): i can see where youre coming from.  everyones a hypocrite.  it just made a lot of sense last night what omar was saying.  of course i dont know you guys.  this doesnt really matter though does it?  i have no idea what im doing anymore.
ihatyuosmae (10:46:43 PM): block time now?
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:48:31 PM): im not gonna block you off aim, because if i dont want to talk to you i wont respond. and thats easy enough i was just really pissed off. because why the fuck do you want to be my friend if you just want to make me mad, or think of me as shallow, or stupid.  i would think if you spent a year with me, and loved me as you say, then how could you be so close minded about me and the people around me.
ihatyuosmae (10:49:10 PM): i dont think youre stupid
ihatyuosmae (10:49:18 PM): idk whats going on
ihatyuosmae (10:49:25 PM): idk you guys
ihatyuosmae (10:51:36 PM): not trying to piss you off either
ihatyuosmae (10:51:39 PM): i agreed with omar
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:51:50 PM): well he already told me that
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:53:07 PM): he was only fired up. and most of it he didnt agree to looking back on it and weather he's fiull of shit or not i could careless because it wouldnt have started if you didnt take my journal all wrong, i told you read at your own risk but i dont think im going to use the site anymore, because theres no point in wasting your time with shallow, and stupi posts.
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:53:19 PM): as you agreed with omar that i was.  even though you just siad you dont
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:53:21 PM): make up your mind.
ihatyuosmae (10:54:00 PM): when did i say anything about your journal posts being shallow and stupid?
ihatyuosmae (10:54:30 PM): and what omar said just made sense to me, so i agreed. i dont really know you guys, and he does.  so i thought it was correct
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:56:14 PM): ...you spent a year with me and you dont know me ? well its not my post that are stupid but  since you agreed with omar, he siad i was stupid and vittoria a bitch, i cant help that your gonna automatically believe what someone says, i mean could you expect he wouldnt have been mad after you tell him that where talking behind you guys back and callign them retarded?
ihatyuosmae (10:57:02 PM): i know you.  but i assumed some sort of change had taken place, because i never talk to you.  and i dont know your other friends at all.
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:57:31 PM): and that were all in our own buble afriad of you guys because of what your saying, well maybe were in a buble to protect what we have, our happiness maybe, i believe what you guys or OMAR says, but i dont take it in the same way, for me its postive, and life isnt "lifeless:" and black nor is it cold.
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:58:13 PM): so thats on you for making the judgement that i suddenly chanegd, when you had all the chances you want to talk to me
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:58:41 PM): i told you i wont approch you because i dont know when you want me to or not, im not the one in pain, so i wanted you to let me know when it was ok .
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:58:59 PM): Im not going to talk to you, un knowing if its just going to make everything worse.
ihatyuosmae (10:59:25 PM): i know.  and even if i wasnt ready to talk to you its beside the point, i still dont know whats going on with you
ihatyuosmae (10:59:46 PM): what else am i supposed to think
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:00:27 PM): what do you mean whats gooing on with me?
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:01:13 PM): im living life how i want to, and im not going to let people who call me stupid be around me, because i have had enough people tell me what i am, and who im not.
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:01:29 PM): maybe your asking the wrong question
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:01:37 PM): like whats going on with you
ihatyuosmae (11:01:39 PM): whats going on with you, as in, how you are, what youve been doing, how youre feeling etc.
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:02:19 PM): Well why dont you just ask
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:02:25 PM): you read my journal ?
ihatyuosmae (11:02:34 PM): because its really hard
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:03:33 PM): the only thing that im upset about is the way your handleing it, i mean do you really think that drugs are going to make you happy? SO for the rest of the life is that what your plan is?
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:03:42 PM): ok reality might not be the best right now
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:03:55 PM): but if you ever want it to be somthing then you need to believe it is.
ihatyuosmae (11:04:28 PM): hopefully the rest of my life wont be that long
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:05:09 PM): so you want to spend the rest of it .. moping around? and then on the weekend a nice "trip" only to come back just as dissapointed the first time when you get the reality check  
ihatyuosmae (11:05:35 PM): not sure what else i can do.
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:05:54 PM): ...
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:05:59 PM): what i have been telling you
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:08:07 PM): To face whats happening, and to get over it, sorry harsh but, thats all you can do stop thinking about the darkness that you so call refere to as life, and think about how much of it your missing, did you ever stop to think that theres a flash light somewhere? or maybe all whole freeking happy feild of light somewhere? you like this my little metophoric lecture? because i dont know what else to tell you except if all you want is to mope and smoke, then thats all your gonna get, your gonna see everything you open your eyes too, and i cant see for you i cant make you want to be happy,
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:08:36 PM): you have to want it, and to know its there even if right now you have to face whats happened. but atleast its a step
ihatyuosmae (11:08:49 PM): but i dont want what everyone else wants
ihatyuosmae (11:08:57 PM): i dont want to grow up
ihatyuosmae (11:09:00 PM): i dont wanna get a job
ihatyuosmae (11:09:02 PM): i dont want a family
ihatyuosmae (11:09:08 PM): i dont care about seeing the world
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:09:36 PM): well then fine dont,
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:09:45 PM): but how can you know what you dont want, when you havent had it ?
ihatyuosmae (11:10:06 PM): i cant put it into words
ihatyuosmae (11:10:07 PM): theres
ihatyuosmae (11:10:14 PM): gotta be somehing else out there
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:10:36 PM): and im sure there is.
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:10:44 PM): but whats so wrong with
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:10:48 PM): what you have here?
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:10:59 PM): Why do you have the need for somthing more.
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:11:05 PM): i think all people do
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:11:30 PM): because nothing is ever enough, but i mean this is just me
ihatyuosmae (11:11:47 PM): because
ihatyuosmae (11:11:48 PM): this is
ihatyuosmae (11:11:53 PM): just a material world
ihatyuosmae (11:12:02 PM): were just humans, and this is just live how we percieve it
ihatyuosmae (11:12:08 PM): life*
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:12:20 PM): So what  
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:13:16 PM): i mean i dont want to be caught in this system, i dont want to lose myself, so right now  I wont, and im not giving into society, im gonna do what i want as far as i can. i guess you can see differently and that ok, but if you dont want anything then whats the issue?
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:13:19 PM): why are you sad.
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:13:25 PM): or are you happy? how it is?
ihatyuosmae (11:14:06 PM): i cant tell you how i am
ihatyuosmae (11:14:08 PM): i dont know
ihatyuosmae (11:14:10 PM): i dont want this
ihatyuosmae (11:14:37 PM): and until i grow enough balls to kill myself, im living how i want to, and thats what its all about right?
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:15:40 PM): yep i this is how your happy and really want to live
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:15:42 PM): fine
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:15:46 PM): thats on you
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:21:51 PM): i think i might switch to a new blog site..
ihatyuosmae (11:22:28 PM): if you dont want me to read your blogs anymore i wont
ihatyuosmae (11:22:36 PM): or if you dont trust me you can make them private
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:23:53 PM): its not that i dont trust you, but i dont want this happening agian. and im still offended, by being called shallow and stupid, and even if omar was talking you so eegerly agreed. and i dont see the point in having you read entries about nothing important.
ihatyuosmae (11:24:32 PM): im sorry michelle,i shouldve talked to you first
ihatyuosmae (11:25:20 PM): but i was just like in shock and semi pissed and i wanted to share
ihatyuosmae (11:25:29 PM): but it was wrong that i took it that way
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:25:36 PM): I mean yeah i didnt want to end up like vittoria and omar, and yeah you should have talked to me first and im sorry for being such a little bitch but i really really dont like when people call me stupid, because thats all people have called me . and its like i dont mind you sharing with other people but you gotta think before you do
ihatyuosmae (11:25:36 PM): because a lot of times they dont mean what i think they do
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:25:50 PM): yeah.  
ihatyuosmae (11:26:01 PM): i didnt call you stupid either.
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:26:06 PM): .
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:26:19 PM): i know omar siad it but you didnt say anything but yeah yeah or somthing
ihatyuosmae (11:26:29 PM): iactually deleted a lot of the conversation
ihatyuosmae (11:26:37 PM): that was main points
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:26:37 PM): and went on, like this was a big shocker that you never thought of maybe it was because it wasnt true
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:27:15 PM): well i got enough of it, besides your the one who picked what to put down so im guessing that was a pretty important part o fit.
ihatyuosmae (11:27:32 PM): well
ihatyuosmae (11:27:39 PM): im sorry i pissed you off
ihatyuosmae (11:27:49 PM): and i didnt mean to say that youre stupid
ihatyuosmae (11:28:40 PM): i understand if you dont wanna re add me, or keep the blog site so we can still read each others
ihatyuosmae (11:28:44 PM): but i hopeyou reconsider
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:30:46 PM): yeah ill reconsider. but im just saying . im not changing, im the same michelle i have always been just maybe your seeing me through different eyes. I dont know but if you wanna know whats going on, or how i am or somthing then you ask me unless you really emotionally cant
ihatyuosmae (11:31:26 PM): i wish i could get over you like you have me
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:32:57 PM): its not that i would have been over you, like i still liekd you but when you do more drugs and stuff that made it some much easier, and at the same time so much harder, but its not like i just dropped all my feelings for you randomly.
ihatyuosmae (11:34:16 PM): you know id never touch another drug if thats what you wanted, if we were still together
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:35:41 PM): but thats never been what i wanted i mean yeah i dont want you doind that stuff, but i always wanted for you to do what you want .
ihatyuosmae (11:35:56 PM): ive only been doing it a lot recently
ihatyuosmae (11:35:58 PM): because it makes me happy
ihatyuosmae (11:36:09 PM): and nothing else really does
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:36:26 PM): i know. which is what i was talking about up there
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:36:29 PM): its not going to get any better .
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:36:36 PM): like  
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:36:45 PM): you can scroll up and re read all of it if you want
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:37:05 PM): to get a better understanding of what i siad cause i feel like you wernt reading some of it
ihatyuosmae (11:37:57 PM): i get what you said like, its only temporary?
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:40:19 PM): no like .. i mean are you just going to keep doing drug after drug? because nothin is gonna change like that
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:40:20 PM): like
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:40:35 PM): sgrjkb
ihatyuosmae (11:40:54 PM): theres nothing i need to change, unless something would bring you back
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:41:25 PM): so what if i came back because i didnt want you to do drugs that badly, but we both new, that i really didnt want to be with anyone
ihatyuosmae (11:41:49 PM): ..what?
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:42:01 PM): nothin >.,
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:42:04 PM): >.< *
ihatyuosmae (11:42:05 PM): no
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:42:23 PM): i dont have the patience to explain that any better then i already did
ihatyuosmae (11:43:07 PM): im saying
ihatyuosmae (11:43:18 PM): why not do drugs if it at least gives me happiness for some time
ihatyuosmae (11:43:24 PM): instead of being sad all the time
ihatyuosmae (11:43:41 PM): and why does it even matter if im not gonna be around that long anyway
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:44:44 PM): ihatyuosmae: why not do drugs if it at least gives me happiness for some time
SkyInTheCloud007 (11:44:45 PM): because.

q12oikm03t592w23 (9:47:49 PM): heye
SkyInTheCloud007 (9:48:03 PM): dont talk to me .
SkyInTheCloud007 (9:48:06 PM): im stupid
q12oikm03t592w23 (9:48:10 PM): what?
SkyInTheCloud007 (9:48:11 PM): and cant comprehend anything you sam
SkyInTheCloud007 (9:48:12 PM): say*
q12oikm03t592w23 (9:48:20 PM): ?
q12oikm03t592w23 (9:48:22 PM): what?
SkyInTheCloud007 (9:53:46 PM): you can re-read it if you didnt get it the first time.
q12oikm03t592w23 (9:54:23 PM): i got it
q12oikm03t592w23 (9:54:36 PM): if your talkin about what me and sam were talkin about yesterday
SkyInTheCloud007 (9:57:59 PM): ?
q12oikm03t592w23 (9:58:11 PM): im
q12oikm03t592w23 (9:58:13 PM): so fuckin
q12oikm03t592w23 (9:58:13 PM): lost
SkyInTheCloud007 (9:59:09 PM): yeah. its ok its probally because of the way i think, i guess its to shallow for you.
q12oikm03t592w23 (9:59:37 PM): sure
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:01:21 PM): iv had a good day
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:01:23 PM): and i came home
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:01:24 PM): nd i said
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:01:25 PM): hey
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:01:28 PM): i dont know what happend
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:01:35 PM): im sure it has to do with the conversation me and sam had
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:01:38 PM): or maybe sam said something
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:01:48 PM): or whatever it is
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:02:06 PM): ill tell you what i think
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:02:08 PM): i never
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:02:09 PM): said
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:02:10 PM): or thought
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:02:13 PM): you were too stupid
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:02:17 PM): to comprehend what im talking about?
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:02:20 PM): sam told me
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:02:22 PM): you guys
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:02:31 PM): thought we were all "high and mighty"
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:02:31 PM): and i said
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:02:34 PM): whatever
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:02:46 PM): i think you guys talking about other people MOST of the time, not all the time
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:02:50 PM): is just whatever
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:02:51 PM): well im sorry for runing your day . but why do you want to associate with me, if were all so shallow.
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:03:23 PM): im sorry
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:03:25 PM): i wont talk to you
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:03:28 PM): yeah ok. well sam read my journal but i neevr siad those exact words either, and i used high and might but thats not what i ment
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:03:35 PM): if he wants to intterput me wrong
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:03:38 PM): i could care less.
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:03:49 PM): do whatever
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:03:51 PM): i dont know
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:03:54 PM): why were arguing
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:03:58 PM): i said whatever
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:04:00 PM): you said whatever
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:04:01 PM): is this argueing?
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:04:02 PM): so the fuck what
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:04:09 PM): idk i just feel like
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:04:13 PM): your mad at me or something
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:04:48 PM): yeah..... why wouldnt i be. the whole time your talking about us talking about people.. isnt that what you were doing?  
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:05:25 PM): thats what i was doing
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:05:30 PM): because sam brought it up
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:05:51 PM): so whats the issue? why are you complaining about "my shallow group of friends" when your so happy being whoever you want to be ?
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:06:21 PM): why did that conversation make me feel like i was being monitored on what i do with me frineds or what my friends do
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:06:23 PM): what the fuck are you talking about
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:06:24 PM): sam
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:06:26 PM): was all
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:06:27 PM): sad
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:06:28 PM): and whatever
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:06:33 PM): and i started talkin to him
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:06:36 PM): and now hes fine
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:06:46 PM): i dont know what the hells going on
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:07:13 PM): i wasnt
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:07:16 PM): even talking about you though
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:07:28 PM): how do you think i wouldnt be upest when you called us shallow.. and didnt even think that we could think of things other then what where wearing, how would you even know? without making that judgement.  
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:07:29 PM): he was sayin stuff
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:07:37 PM): and i told him why im finally over vittoria
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:07:57 PM): well im happy for you in all seriousness.
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:08:06 PM): thank you
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:08:15 PM): i mean you fuckin know me
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:08:17 PM): dont tell me you dont
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:08:20 PM): you know for the most part
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:08:23 PM): i really dont
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:08:26 PM): care about this
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:08:28 PM): so you can
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:08:30 PM): be mad at me
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:08:34 PM): or
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:08:36 PM): just forget about it
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:08:38 PM): because
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:08:40 PM): it really
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:08:43 PM): doesnt matter
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:08:50 PM): and we can just talk like normal people
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:09:54 PM): i know. i thought i new you well enough to know that im not shallow, yeah i have my moments.. do you think i would really call you retarded for speaking your mind? its not that im so mad at you.. its that im frustrated and yeah im mad. but i cant say its directed at you
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:10:26 PM): i know what you mean
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:10:29 PM): and i was just pissed
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:10:32 PM): that he told me
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:10:35 PM): you guys thought
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:10:38 PM): we were all special
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:10:53 PM): and we have a little "club"
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:10:55 PM): i was like wtf?
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:11:02 PM): why are they even talkin about that
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:11:08 PM): and thats it
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:12:09 PM): its just when you siad hey.. like you had never even just talked to sam. and of all things sam called vittoria a bitch and me stupid and that was such a judgmental thing. so i cant type and my grades arnt great.. but i have more common sense then alot of people.. and im sorry i dont like being looked down on so i was pretty angry . because its like sam feels all high and mighty and i feel like he doesnt get anything. if he thinks im so stupid then what the hell was he doing the past year, am i a self esteem boost that cant be it cause that kid has no
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:12:11 PM): confidence.
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:12:31 PM): i know you do
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:12:38 PM): see and that wasnt
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:12:42 PM): what we were talkign about
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:13:36 PM): that was me bloggin in my own free will no gossip about it, its not like i ment it like that , it was more like i was like joking. so you know if hes gonna read my shit hes doin it at his own risk, and im sorry if he takes it the wrong way
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:14:23 PM): its whatever
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:14:28 PM): i used to read torias blog
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:14:30 PM): then i realized
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:14:34 PM): i was just making myself feel worse
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:14:50 PM): yeah well ima spare him the choice and delete, it once i print it
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:14:53 PM): and i have alot of anger twords her
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:14:54 PM): but
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:14:58 PM): its gone
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:14:59 PM): i dont really
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:15:09 PM): its just
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:15:12 PM): gone
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:15:13 PM): whatever
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:15:14 PM): idk
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:15:31 PM): dont delete it
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:15:32 PM): not yet
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:15:37 PM): i am
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:15:38 PM): just dont add anything
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:15:40 PM): let him
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:15:42 PM): just read it
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:15:44 PM): as much as he wants
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:15:45 PM): so he doesnt have to deal with my stupid shallow thoughts.
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:15:46 PM): till he realized
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:15:50 PM): realizes
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:15:56 PM): please
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:15:56 PM): for me
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:16:01 PM): and for the last year you spent with him
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:16:02 PM): nope apparantly im the only issue in his life.
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:16:18 PM): thats definatley not true
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:16:21 PM): i think ill make it as easy as he wants
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:16:22 PM): and you know sam can be
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:16:24 PM): hardheaded
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:16:26 PM): no
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:16:27 PM): he IS
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:16:37 PM): well maybe he will think before he says stuff
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:16:39 PM): he makes fun of me for it xD but he is even more
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:16:45 PM): because i really dont like being called stupid.
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:16:48 PM): you have no idea.
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:16:55 PM): but you know your not
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:16:57 PM): i know your not
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:17:09 PM): i can atleast talk to you about stuff
q12oikm03t592w23 (10:17:11 PM): and you understand
SkyInTheCloud007 (10:17:15 PM): exactly, and i wont be around someone who thinks i am

The site wont let me post long, for its length, but its worked out and resolved. 

 I left  a comment to sams post on his journal. I was pretty pissed at this point. I get really offended when people call me stupid. I dont want to surround myself, with people who dont want me to make it far. 

_________________________________________________________________________

dont worry. I'll let you be and take out all that stupidity and shallowness from your life. and if you don't mind could i just point out that the whole time .... you guys were saying how shallow we are, and all we do is talk about people.. when YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE. get the fuck over it, since when are you the conversation police? how can someone call someone shallow, and be so judge mental at the same time, but it doesn't matter. My journal wasn't there, so you could miss interrupt everything i say. I don't think at all that you guys are retarded... However i guess in the end, i do. SO what are you complaining about, that WERE shallow, and your happy, you don't have a bitch in your life right, or some one so stupid to just make fun of anymore? oh and you never talk about people. Your not shollow so , what's the issue. right there is none because you can turn to your drugs and call that a sad excuse for happiness. SO if you really don't care and you two hate people like us, then why is it like your monitoring everything we do so you can criticize it later? Maybe we should by those baby monitor things.. how would you like that ? and every time we start talking about people you can call us shallow, when we talk about the future, or about dressing up, when were having a good time, being our shallow selves, and your on the other end of it all, complaining, moping around except when your "tripping" For the record. im not scared because even though you guys are all "deep" minded.. you dont do anything about it. you dont do anything about how you "feel" or do anything to get what you want from people. from what i know. you sit around and complain about how life sucks and theres nothing to it....while you could be trying to make it bright, and make somthing to where it doesnt suck, but you dont. SO who should care enough about what you guys say when i find it hard to believe that its what you really want. its alright. Im not mad, thanks for the "411" on how you feel about "my group of friends" .. when all you did was judge them. excuse me for being so damn dramatic.

this is omar and sam in an aim chat, the first sentence you see is what sam siad, in his blog.

 __________________________________________________________

holy shit! i just realized how shallow michelles group of friends are.

I had three Seperate dreams last night. Im not sure on what order they came as.

I was with a group of friends and they were all smoking, and drinking, and then i got in the car with them, so they could take me home, but they were driving and swerveing all over the place since they were drunk and it was scary i told them that i was better off driving, so i drove a little just far enough to get to wear i was in walking distance to my house, because i had neither a learners permit or a lisence, so i shouldnt have been driving, i pulled over at some place and then a bunch of cops were all over the place, and Kyle hill pops up and points out that i had a zip lock full of weed and he pointed it out because it was sticking noticibly out of my bag. So i grabbed my bag and burried it farther down, but when i looked up a cop reached in my direction and i shouted a dramatic NOOOOO when i realized the police man wernt reaching for me i saw they were reaching for the small dog beside me, and i quickly covered up my false panic with.....NOOO THATS MY DOG. clever i know. I tried to casually Slip out of the area, but i failed and a female cop ran twords me, i ran too. Mistake number two. never run from the cops. I made it to my house i ran in and quickly turned to apply the safty lock, it worked, i just needed enough time to hid the drugs in my house, enough time to get them off my me. by the time i hid them she was banging impatiently on the door, i opened it and woke up.

I was at my home, which resembled a Video game located in china. there were slidding doors to almost every room. Someone else was nocking on the door, but when i answered they were very tall they barged in, they might as well not have even knocked. Then i noticed that they didnt have hands, but tenticles. Aliens. They were like a combination between Men in black and ET. I Launched myself into a hideing place where i watched through a crack in the wall as they beamed and tore the place down with lazers, it was so bright, it was painful. They were looking for somthing, but i wasnt sure what it was, until i saw my chance to get out, and i new just what they wanted. It didnt have a name nor a shape. IT was more like an element. and only i had it. I went to school. It had already started. but i noticed, that they had made there way there as well. I was in history and the hallway was suddenly my high way i forced the element onto a dest and that created transportation i got in a rolly chair and help on for my life as i flew past the bystanders in the hall. Deven church (a kid from school who i have known since 1st grade) was admireing my ride. When i flew past him i made it outside, i was going to keep going, i would have made it.. but i looked back.. and then i thought .. and somehow i knew that the aleins where on out side. they were good. it was an instinct but one i couldnt go aginst, i went back for them, i went back onto this hill where they were waiting. as if the new i would come to this choice, i gave up my element, and then they were gone.

A trip to the beach with a new family, one that was pale, like the charachters in my book they were vampires and i was too.  Vittoria was there with me, and we spent the day with our  boy friends, she had jayson and i never saw who i had, but he was there and we had alot of fun, they had to leave though but only for a little, me and vittoria had to stay. We sat ontop of somthing tall and absorbed the colors of the sunset, when we saw four kids, only 14, appeared and dove right into  the water, we joined then, but without talking to them. And thats when one of the girls went  down and didnt come back up, instinctivly vittoria swam, having un normally fast swimming skills, they kids noticed but i told them, yeah she was on swim team ever since she was 4.  they bought it for the most part, besides there concern was on their friend, vittoria got her to shore, but it was to late, and the girl was only a peice of cloth, however the cloth was breathing. IT was weird and all the facial features had washed away, except two beads that were red, they represented her eyes, and then her breathign stopped and her eyes disconnected, and she was gone forever. I felt alot of remorse, but not for the girl who died, but for the ones who survived, they would have to tell her parents, and they would be suffering just as much, I wanted to end it for them, but i couldnt.

Kelsey's house was fun, we didnt do much but go on a walk and then we watched some movies, and i brought over a cucumber because i wanted it, and when we cut it they re united me into the singles group. it was fun, and allison broke out into song, singing this song thats like "all the single ladies" and its really obnoxious.  haha it was silly.  and we fell asleep eventually we moved into the guest room and all managed to fit on the queen size bed. and that bed is quite uncomfortable super hard. 

From there i went to vittorias house, hunter was there too. Vittorias mom was also babysitting a girl named april. Anyways we went outside and swung and layed in the sand, it was wonderful cause the sand was cold and it was comfortable, and we played with a little froggie and me and hunter named it Toby cause it was adorable, hunter was cute too though while he chased it around. I was almost falling asleep there, but after thhat we went upstairs and shaved hunter's legs and talked about sexual things, and that conversation carried us into the hot tub to get the sand off all of us. it was a succesess! I like hot tubs. Like i think if i had a list of best kisses, Like even after the future and i kissed more people i think  that that one time at anns when i kissed sam like over the hot tub cause he didnt get in, would be on that list, right now its probally my favorite kiss ever cause im weird and it was like super yay. this is my shallow post.

The whole time me and vittoria raped eachother kinda. and somtimes hunter came but then vittoria was like noooooooooooooo i has a boyfriend. So yeah hot tubs are fun. but it might just be the fact that your half naked, because there isnt much to bathing suits. Half naked and wet. ?

and then i was talkin to vittoria about boys and stuff, and we were thinking the boys have this like "I have been dumped cult" because theres omar, and sam and they talk to eachother im sure and im sure there not making eachother feel any better, and then theres jeremy and his girlfriend broke up with him too, like right now i just feel like theres a big li ne between boys and girls, but thats only because i havent talked to the person i talked to the most for like a week i  guess, and the "group" all the way back from 8th grade has spilt like that because all that was left was vittoria me and omar, and i guess hunter, but he's more on our side. Then theres Hunter P and its not that he got dumped but he's on the whole man side thing, where they talk about "deep" stuff or somthing And its like when they talk about that, i do feel like there all trying to be like yeah i realize this im all high and mighty, oh and teddy got broken up with too. I guess its more like the boys are the ones who are sad and think negatively with an exeption  to hunter M, and all the girls are happy like kelsey, allison, me, vittoria, and i think thats weird because i feel like girls are the ones that are more emotional, i think boys get angry faster, but girls are the annoyign whinny ones who get sad over things.

One thing thats really annoying is that sam is one of the few boys that dont like get mad, and it makes me mad because its like he had a  like easy going and understanding about him that  most boys dont, but then it was just like he doesnt like outside ness, and i like campign and i want to be with somone that will go on adventures with me, but i dont want to be the one to make them, they should like it too. like my mom likes camping, but my dad never would go with her. My dad like wouldnt do anything, and sam like doesnt swim and wont ride roller coasters, but thats who he is, and theres nothing wrong with that, its just not somthing i want. And i dont really like dogs, i mean i would get one, if i could afford one, and if everyone i lived with wanted one, because i dont care that much, i just dont liek that dogs breathe heavily, and smell bad. And i like Children. I mean i dont want like 5 or anything and i dont really care how many i have i guess it depends on how many, i can afford. I dont know where this little paragraph was going, or where it came from but there yahh go.

I guess i cant blame him, for the way he has responded, how could i expect for things to be the same, just a change in title. because that does not happen. Its a weird thing. To try and imagine myself with someoneelse, its hard to think i could ever be that comfortable with somone, like i was with sam. But i dont regret what i did. and i cant, i miss him so much right now. all the time really, but i didnt want a relationship. and i still dont. And im so tempted. yeah like i siad in my other blog i was tempted to kiss hunter but ofcorse thats not what i want, but its like that with sam too. i mean sitting in math its so natural to play with his hands under the table, because thats how its always been, but i have to resist because i cant bring myself to do that, im not sure he would let me either, and it would be so wrong. I cant hug him how i used to and i cant kiss him. I miss that, i wont lie, but isnt that expected since that was what i had known for over a year, its like going oppposite from instinct or somthing. Everytime hes on aim i want to talk to him more then anyone, because.. he's who i talked to on aim, or just had a box open for even if we wernt talking that often in that instant message.

All i know is i am doing what i want right now, but i do have an empty feeling left over, but i guess that was expected. 4th block came quickly today, i think it was because the beel was back to  normal since SOL week is over with, luckily i only have one SOL this year, however its math so im not sure how lucky that is . Anyways in fourth block i skipped out on our mini feild trip in gym, because my mom was going to pick me up early, since she was coming for jessica to take her to the doctors, i figured why not. I would much rather go home then be stuck in gym, since i find gym pointless, Im not learning anything, and i can work on physical things on my own time, since i dont get much of a work out there anyways. But the little time i did have there was spent awkwardly. Theres somone i know named kyle hill, he's adorable like a kitty almost. Anyways He is friends with sam too, and he asked me if i new sam did pot, so i nodded questionably, and then he explained telling me that because he wanted to make sure his girlfriend new before he sold some to sam, it was nice of him, i guess, cause if i was still with sam i would wanted to know, although im sure he would have told me, and i wouldnt have approved but it wouldnt have mattered because i wont stop somone from doing somthing, people can make their own choices, and i wont make them for any one but myself. Anyways then i had to go through a very low detailed talk about how we broke up, i had already sat and just ignored one conversation about how me and sam were, i couldnt make some list, so i ended it and then he went on about how cute we were with surprised "why's" and what not.

I'm excited about going to kelsey tonight though, its been a while and allison will be there too. I guess we'll see how it goes. should be fun.

So yesterday was an exeptionally good day. I was tired, but i went to Hunters house it was weird, cause usually when i go to his house its not just me and him but it was just us, and it was fun we watched a movie, but i kept my distance and stuff, because i dont want to be cuddly with even my friends right now. although i wont lie i had some kisses in my head. it was tempting. but im not ready for that, and the main reason i broke up with sam, sam being someone i am still in love with. im not sure what kind of love it is, but its there and it hurts to think about, it hurts to think about the space that isnt filled at the moment.

The Movie was good, i didnt realize i had already seen it before until the  middle, but i had forgotton how it ended, and thats part of what made it so good, because it was not a happy ending at all, but in a way it was, because there was closure and it was like everything was resolved, if only he hadnt had to die. but it was better that way . then we went on a walk in his woods. Ticks are sopposed to be bad this season, but im not to worried about it. It was nice we went to a little clearing, not the valley, there two different places, and we talked a while. IT was nice the weather was behaving to our advantage. I dont know if i like hunter agian or not, but thats because i dont want to think to much, because i want to give myself the room to just feel. to not think, but to feel it. and if i do, and i realize that its there and not my mind, i still wont want him for a while. because i wanted time. And i still do, no relationship to screw up friendships. just to be here, and to live like i might not be here tommarow, because regardless of the negatives around me, regardless about how life isnt anythign worth living, i'll keep my high hopes and when i find nothing, well then i'll just have to create my own everything, because I will do what i want to do. and i will make it possible, and maybe one day when my hoped fail, i can look back on this, and know that its only going to be gone when im ready for it to be at its loss.

IT started with bad hair, and the frustration of everyother school day. By this time of year i am done. Im so sick of mornings, and im so sick of everyone, Sick of people not understanding because its impossible, Sick of drama because there is no drama, SIck of caring, Sick of trying to make everyone so damn happy...and you know whats even worse? is that i dont even know what i want.. what if i only want people to be happy.. somtimes i just feel like im here to please people, when its like i dont know what I really want. , im sick of Omar ranting to everyone, and when they take it wrong and get upset (im not talking about anyone specifically) but its like.. thats not nessasarly a negative thought, or maybe its just me, the insane kid who trys to make happy out of everything. I understand that no one can understand anyone completely because Thats just imposible, two indivisual people could be in an empty room, and there told to think about the color blue.. they both think there thinking about blue, and they both are.. but theres no way they would know if eacother had the exact same shade. theres to  many different blues. To many ways one person thinks. Just thinking about how ITs impossible to not think of anything completly new, like completly original, because everything we think of is thought from somthing else and i used to think about this stuff all the time, but not recently it was back in middle school. like everything you think of has to work off of somthing you already have seen or you have heard of, yeah you might be able to picture a man with a foot for his eye and you have never seen it before, but you have seen a foot and you have seen a man.. No one can tell me they can think of soomthing so unbelievable that there has been nothing on it before, its IMPOSIBLE. and how i so hate that word.

Like everyone is this freekin world is always saying WHAT CANT BE DONE. YOU, michelle cant. you cant do this or that. Like a constant lets see how low we can bring this kids self esteeme. or even your parents, oh you'll never make it to that school.. well maybe just maybe if you started telling me what i could do. then maybe just maybe the world would see things so differently, why is it we all focus on what cant be done, were always telling eachother, when we could be encouraging, even if its encouragement we dont have. they way society thinks is messed up, and For me its mainly how negative people are, how negative and careless, and how stupid. but let me clerify on my term for stupid. ITs not someone who isnt educated, when there was no education offered. stupid is wasteing opertunities that are there, stupid is messing up your brain when its perfectly fine. Stupid is making those bad choices..that are so clearly bad. that is stupid. We all make mistakes.. but thats not the kind of thing im talking about.

Which brings me to third block. ALEGERBRA 2 . my only class with sam, and shelby sits on the other side of me at the table seating three. Im glad shelby found sams intoxicated self amusing. Im glad to see that this generation of people think when they see there friends intoxicated its just the coolest, and its funny. yes thats hallarious, your friends scewing up his brain. call me dramatic, call me a prick. but i wont call it funny, and i wont laugh. I sat nex to sam, his eyes were redish which was probally from allergies anyways, but i sat down and he was looking straight forword so i prepared myself for class to start and i sat down and he looks at me, and he looked so insane, and then he just started laughing. he was absolutly having the time of his life. I did get one thing good from this, and it was seeing him smile, but it wasnt sam smileing so i guess it didnt count for anything to make me feel any better. class went on like that pretty much the whole time, im not going to be sams friend if that gets worse, i wont watch him loose hiself more then he has already. I dont know why i sat inbetween them the whole class, they were talking and having a ball, i was reading but they only have a ball cause they mess with me. I dont care because i have alot of patience. And when they wern't bothering me, they were talking to eachother, i was just there in the way, i should have just switched with shelby, im sure they both would have liked that more. But i didnt switch, i just went on. I just sat there like always, never speaking up, not involved in math, just aimlessly staring like the many classes before. Class ended, and i sat there until there was enough of a clearing from the kids that are so impatient that they all wait by the door to get out. i timed it right so that i would get up right when i had a clear path, but not to late, and to to wear i would have to be uncomfortably close to anyone . I do that in most of my classes, i think its silly to stand and wait for the bell, when im not really wasteing any time. besides i'll do somthing while im sitting, insted of just standing there. Math used to be the only class i didnt do that in, and that was just because sams one of those kids that stand and have to be like the first ones out of there. ITs not like there going to get anywhere. The school is no different then a prision, and where all stuck there until 3:30. 5 minuetes of time to get from here to there, and hopefully along the way a friendly wave to a friend. However usually when im in the hall, its like my mind is else where its my feet that do all the guiding, so i usually dont notice somone is waving at me until its to late. A shame really.

4th period was no better, Mr. kidder (ecology) popped in a movie, like usually the questions he gave were simple and you only needed the introduction of the movie to answewr them, if even that. So i finished and.. its not like i could understand the guy in the video talking because they always have thick accents or, just sound like somthings in there throat and preventing them from talking clearly, so .. I found no need to continue to just stare at all the pretty pictures, and read my book, besides it might have helped my edge a little better. It usually does until i realize where i am agian. But ofcorse i got yelled at because for some reason mr.kidder has some extreme hate for books. Maybe when he was younger the kids used to throw books at him or somthing ridiculous like that. Like it matters, either way i got yelled at, soon after that he yelled at the whole class. and then i trying to help my chinease friend, because she doesnt know english very well.. but know. that too was and i got yelled at agian. strike two. now i guess i can understand the first one, but that was me trying to help, it was related and i wasnt that loud. then i saw the cloak getting closer and closer to 3:30. sweet freedom with in only a few minuetes, but i needed to ask mr.kidder why i had a C when i turned in all my work, if i dont know what im doing wrong then how can i get a better grade, i had known about the C for two other classes and both times we were busy so i couldnt ask him, so i thought.. im never going to get my chance, so i went up and tried to understnad, but that was strike three and i got yelled at some more it just bothered me because he didnt even let me finish talking, and that makes me mad, its rude, you want me to respect you? try respecting me.

So by now i was pretty ticked off. I think sometimes i get mad to easily, out of all my emotions i would say thats the easiest one to come to, anger or frustration. I was sopposed to meet up with richard and rose and hunter they want to make a thing for michealas party coming up, i dont really want to. its too awkward doing it at parties, like i feel like people are like ... ok? sho-offy much? ...or wth is that ? just stuff like that, and after today being annoying where all i wanted to do was just read in peace, never happened, i really just wanted to go home. so i did and i felt bad for ditching out, but everyone has there days, lets hope they understand, at least a little.

Im just done with people today. for the most part anyways.