these are the best days of our lives

So yesterday was an exeptionally good day. I was tired, but i went to Hunters house it was weird, cause usually when i go to his house its not just me and him but it was just us, and it was fun we watched a movie, but i kept my distance and stuff, because i dont want to be cuddly with even my friends right now. although i wont lie i had some kisses in my head. it was tempting. but im not ready for that, and the main reason i broke up with sam, sam being someone i am still in love with. im not sure what kind of love it is, but its there and it hurts to think about, it hurts to think about the space that isnt filled at the moment.

The Movie was good, i didnt realize i had already seen it before until the  middle, but i had forgotton how it ended, and thats part of what made it so good, because it was not a happy ending at all, but in a way it was, because there was closure and it was like everything was resolved, if only he hadnt had to die. but it was better that way . then we went on a walk in his woods. Ticks are sopposed to be bad this season, but im not to worried about it. It was nice we went to a little clearing, not the valley, there two different places, and we talked a while. IT was nice the weather was behaving to our advantage. I dont know if i like hunter agian or not, but thats because i dont want to think to much, because i want to give myself the room to just feel. to not think, but to feel it. and if i do, and i realize that its there and not my mind, i still wont want him for a while. because i wanted time. And i still do, no relationship to screw up friendships. just to be here, and to live like i might not be here tommarow, because regardless of the negatives around me, regardless about how life isnt anythign worth living, i'll keep my high hopes and when i find nothing, well then i'll just have to create my own everything, because I will do what i want to do. and i will make it possible, and maybe one day when my hoped fail, i can look back on this, and know that its only going to be gone when im ready for it to be at its loss.