and the story of my life!

I was thinking about my dad, and i was thining about something i kind of just let slide, because even though i new it was true, i did not want to think about it, or to really acknoledge it at all, but i finally let it surface.

Some time when i went on a visit to Teannas with my dad One of them slipped up and siad something about my dads surgery, and i would have got nothing out of that, except that my dads expression went from light to a little hard, a little mini panic. Thats because they were not sopposed to have known eachother that long, but its all pretty obvious. Other then jessica this was the real deal breaker, teanna. If teanna was not around, did not exsist i think my dad would still be here, at my moms house, now i dont think thats a good thing, because they have bluffed on a divorice since i was like 5. I was so relieved when they finally got one, yeah im sad for my mom.. but she wanted it too. She doesnt even know, but she did and i hate how close minded she is being about it . I am happy that teanna showed up, because my dad was so miserable, i mean why would you want to stick around were you were always being yelled at? What i am not happy with, Is the way he handled everything, he completly neglected this family. The one he was married into. He'd stay on his computer, and talk on the phone with teanna for like an hour, after he got home, But he would always just sit in the car and stay there unless someone noticed and came outside to see why he was in the car, i did that one time and he just hung up the phone real fast. He used his surgery and before that he used the way they treated him as an excuse to suclude himself. And i really lost all respect for him, because ok so what, your being yelled at your the parent, i know jessicas sycotic, but ignoreing everything is no help, what about jaysen, and what about me? You can go hide in your other life while were stuck here, in the middled of an un resolved and very broken family . As it went on i was really really, angry with my dad, like i almost hated him, i hated both my parents. For simular reasons and that was because they never did anything. How can you do nothing? It really pissed me off and it still does, because i dont understand. They might have been stressed and had their own problems, but thats no excuse to just give up parenting. Im sorry, but that was not optional. I blame them for jaysen's drug use, I blame them for him not going to college, i blame then for the way jessica is too. Its like, they have always known something was wrong with her, and they just let her be that way. They new jaysen was useing, because i told them, It was obvious, and i was very serious, and they let him? they did not do anything, not even try to talk to him, I did, i did not know what to do so i tried to talk to him, and at this point, i was really hurting from this, i mean i was in like 6th grade, and i did not have the will power to really make my stand, this was not my stand to be standing alone, but i was alone, I did not know who i could talk to and have them understand, i look back on it, and i could have told anyone almost, becky, asked bonnie for advice, but at the same time i still dont see that as a good idea, because they might have gone to far with it, but i think they would have done what they thought appropriate, which was better then what my parents did, being nothing. Half the time when jessica had one of her little break downs.. which happened like everyday, they just sent her to beckys, because becky was there and wanted to help. She did her best until jessica was to much, one time becky had enough, I dont know what happened, no one other then jessica and becky know. Jessica was about to move in with becky comepletly and things were going better then they usually had, and im talking about like elementary school, but after we moved here, into the pebble creek house. so jessica had been at becks for like a week, she was about to start packing, next thing we knew becky and jessica come screaming through the door, becky was saying she was done and closed the door, and jessica just was being jessica.
I have drifted a little from where i started, Yes my father and mother completely useless. Year after year thats how it was, and i really thought most familys were like that, and then i met vittoria, and her mom was so scary but i was really jealous, because her mom cared so much.. yeah it annoyed vittoria, but I'd never learn some things, that vittoria would becuase her mom was there for her. That might sound silly, and stupid but who cares at this point...
And then i met kelseys Family, and that was so nice. Her mom and dad couldnt have loved her more, and yeah they would argue sometimes, but if you never argued with someone you lived with then that alone is very scary. They were all happy and i loved so much to be there, at either one of their houses, because it was just nice. In 7th grade i went on a babysitting trip with my neighbors, and they were all so happy, and i was happy to just be with them, like i siad why would i want to surround myself with negative people by choice? And It was so nice, to be at kaylas like everyday from the end of 4th grade to 6th grade. I could never forget about kayla because was really my first escape. :)
Eventually when the divorice finally went through, or well the seperation and my dad moved out, He had enough of them and wanted more of teanna, no perverted things intended. (ew)
When i moved out things were sketchy at first, i only took things that i had time to pack, Only things i really wanted with me. I did not get my coputer there until almost the end of that summer, We procrastenated that, getting all my furniture. It made me angry, because jessica wanted to live there? THey hate eachother. ALways have. Never have they gotten along, only when she wanted something. SO that really made me mad, she only wanted it because i wanted it. My mom had a break down, Clearly, but she had been takeing deppressent medacine for a long long time. Way before teanna even came into the picture. She was not happy, My dad was not happy, Jessica is never happy, jaysen found his escape, and i found mine with kayla, and who ever else. So if no one was happy, why was it so bad to finally try to change something, when so clearly that was not going to ever get better, only worse.
And instant improvement hit, my grades were better in school, and i was doing better, i did not even know that something could be that nice. like.. i cant even explain the relief, and the new feeling, like i did not know things were tha bad until i got away from it. I put behind me everything i felt for my dad, which was only anger, and annoyance, and there was some awkwardness but that was worth it, and i could see he was really trying to make up what he had lost. He's trying so i can try to forgive him to, and i dont think i have, becuase i just put it behind me. And pretended it never happened, I can almost positivly say that my dad cheated on my mom, and yeah thats messed up, cheating is wrong he should have handled things with his first family before takeing off. Physically his apperance was here, well locked away at work or his room, but he was here, EMotionally he was not any where close. Even though he was Unhappy, miserable and ageing through stress, he still should have done things in such order. It only makes me mad that he trys to act like he did nothing, Even if he had his reasons, he did that, and he needs to be responsible . But in a happier more present day note, he has been there now, or at least hes trying.