(no subject)

My minds not clear, and my Run was not long enough. It got dark to soon, and vittoria called me, so i couldn't really run, but thats ok. I talked to her. I don't know if anything helped, I don't know i have all these conflicting emotions and i don't know where they go or how to handle them .  I am excited and tingly, I'm sad about some thing? Im so confused... all the time. all the Time i can't seem to get anything straight and not when I'm alone, I'm Ok when I'm with hunter because all i have to think about is him. But when im here home alone, or in my class, or in math. Math more then anything, i Get confused agin because i don't know what it is that I'm so effected by. I don't know why im sad or if it has anything to do with sam, and how can i feel sad and happy at the same time. Everything is clashing. One River trying to flow in two different directions.. and all it does is clash . I don't know which side is stronger. Im afraid. I'm Sick of being afraid. and confused. I don't want to be confused, i can't focus with all this. what do i do ? When I'm having a bad day all i want to do is see hunter. When im having a great day I can't wait to get home and see if sam had one too . GAH This is so much easier when he's being mean to me.. but then he goes and apologizes or something because i miss understood His fish facial expression as a what the hell are you looking at mad face expression. I have problems. Apparently sam was making a fish face at me.. but i dont like that fish face. I told you i was out of it. I was effected by the smallest of things and i really feel like i need to cry i need to relieve some of this any of this. Its so many emotions in one person, and im just getting more. I guess i just took the worst form it since, he hates me.. or so he says, and he doesn't care about what i think or anything. If that was true though he would have made no effert to correct my misguided facial expression reading skills.  The only thing i have been able to wrap my head around has been drawing, or studying colors. I dont want to do this stupid british dialect monologue for theater? and we have a that one act? are we even doing that? I don't want to do the chair . I just want to sleep and run and draw. I know running is kind of an odd ball but it calms me. I don't think im back yet, from my whatever land. I still feel a little un connected. Like i have to much im trying to focus on so everything, my reactions and stuff are slow, because im just bubbling i guess. I'm waiting to explode. To get all this out. or figured out . either one works.

Then theres hunter, and hes a phone person.. I  like talking on the phone with him, but i dont like talking on the phone? Make sense? anyways its just im not a phone person i get to distracted while on the phone, i'd rather be drawing something, or running well today anyways.. but i dont mind because i like talking to Hunter and vittoria both. I guess im willing to be on the phone if hunter wants me to be. I don't mind, its not really my thing, but I wanna be there for him. I just feel bad for getting distracted when hes telling me something, but sometimes when im on the phone i forget im on the phone, even when someone is clearly talking its not that their boring, or that im not holding the phone or anything, its just that i feel like no one is there, because i can't see them, and then theres the fact that i always move the phone like off my ear and can't hear anymore but i don't notice.. and sometimes their talking just blends in. Some how.