but a blur

Its odd really. Sam Came in my life just as quick as he left from it,  and all that  time in between was nothing more then what felt like a dream.  Because everything was so fast. I don’t think I will see him at all this summer. And if I do, it will be as If we had never even met, the awkward pass at a grocery store, and nothing more. A truthful lie, and if a lie could be honest in any way, then why would it be a lie at all.. maybe a misunderstanding, Like right now. I don’t know what im talking about, but im not lying, and how can I know its not a lie, if I’m not making sense? Because. IT simply is not. Im not referring to anything in this, but what did happen. What happened, If I could let it go I think I would have by now, I get so happy with hunter, and I forget about sam. Like I forget about the dreams I have when im sleeping. But when I get online and I read about sam, and anything  hes doing, hes all the sudden real again, I don’t have that sort of feeling for him, I only have what I did feel. That’s what im holding on to. And I cant seem to release It in any way. Im not sad. Im glad I can’t, because I don’t want sam to be the dream I never remember. He could not be, regardless of what I wanted, so that is a good thing. What is a bad thing, what does upset me, and give me these conflicting, and clashy emotions is when I read about him being sad. I don’t feel right, Going off and having all my Fun, Forgetting he even exists, because, especially right now he doesn’t, he really is but a memory. We don’t talk, I wont see him over the summer, how could I possibly even see him as being here, near by, around anything out of my own imagination. I mean everything we think or see is only because its what we believe is happening. What if we were all just experiments, in some future world and were really all just hooked up to a machine that filled our head with everything, I mean how crazy would that be, and even if that meant everything was fake, its fake, but it would still be real to me, if that was all fake, it would not matter, because its what I know and what I have been through, and its worth it to not even be real, Its no way though truly fake, because if my whole life was a machine, then I would be disappointed like the creator could not have thought of some thing a little more amusing, no dragons? NO fairy wings? I mean come on, super powers… anything ?

Well that was fun, wasn’t it ?

I guess its just I feel bad, for Not even thinking about sam, not even Remebering anything about him, while im off doing, what ever it is I do, and then I come home and its like Sam who I thought was ,my dream just traded places with the rest of my life, all my friends and hunter, then its like sams all there is to reality. Everyone else, Is just my dream, but I do not forget about them. I still am feeling with them. Their not a dream, and there not a memory, because im still connecting with them, but still feel more of a distance then there normally would be.  That is the difference I am not feeling with sam. I do not know sam . I knew him, yes, Maybe ? did I ? a misunderstanding? I’m not yet back to my negative state, I am feeling very positive. I am sorry, I forgot… I want to feel with sam, I don’t think it is fair, that I should be happy and he should not be. I need to let this go, Some times I do wish I could cry when I just felt like it, but I can’t unless its some thing so random it caught me off guard, or if I am crying with some one, but other then that nothing seems to phase me. It’s a bit off and its not enough to satisfy me, Im all Yay Hunter, and sam still has me as his “number one”. Why? Why is he doing this to himself? He does not talk to me, so I am not his number one not present day number one, he is doing what I am, and he is holding on to everything that was. I should just be a part of his imagination as well, like the dream he is to me.
and at the same time I want to forget Everything, so i dont have to deal with anything that is wrong with him now. IS that so horrible?
I mean.. ectasy.. seriously? What if hes addicted or something, and he wont even realize it? I dont see how it helps when in the long run it just causes a different type of depression, i dont even want to get into that. Dont be offended.