12:42 AM - I'm done.
I'm done with judgeing people, i don' often, but sometimes i will admit to getting a good laugh at an innocent person every now and then, and don't get me wrong im all for letting people laugh at me, but i don't want to be apart of this sick joke, of being the jury of who gets to be pretty, and who isn't of whose a dork, and whose my friend. I want to meet more people, and extend my social range, would it be so bad to sit at a stranded table with new faces, in this school maybe thats like suicide, but maybe one day i would come across an excepting table, and from that day on.. i would have a new face in my memories, a new friend. Without Knowing who they were, where they come from, without placing any personality on them by there facial expressions, without any judgement at all.
I just have to remind myself. I dont think i could forget to be kind, but i forget some times who i am. A disease perhaps to be sucked up by everyone around you, its like a black hole, but with a smiling and welcoming face. In english one day we talked about if it was easy to fit to the "norm" .. and of corse it is, because i truly believe that people lose themselves when they get to school, because of the way this system is designed for everyone to find there click and then be there for the rest of there school years, and college lets you start over, and pick what click you really want. but its like, you might come into this place, with all these interests, with all these dreams, and hopes, but its like the moment you walk in, that smile shines at you, and your doomed to normality, just the overall look of people. because thats what will surround you for the next 12 years of your life.
Another thing we talked about was if your parents have an impact on who you are and how much, and honestly your parents have till elementary school to set you up because after that, they become your enemy, and you are with the other kids your age much much more then your parents, which is why i think that those kids are the ones with more impact on you, it was just up to your parents to make you independent, tolerant, and to cling on to what you know, before its consumed, so the rest of it is up to you, how much of that independence did you bring with you, how much will do you have, and how much commen sense to know when somthing isnt right. I was fortunate to meet vittoria because i was sucked up into that system, i was an open thinker and always nice to people even if the kids around me wernt that was one thing i had, but i was shy and i never stood up for myself, i had no problem being friends with whoever be friended me, but vittoria, me it so much easier to do what i want, and to feel like i could, to not feel locked up in my own kindness, like because i didnt want to break anyone i was stuck breaking myself. I'm still nice, to an extent but i think recently i have almost forgotten who i was, because it was happening again, but i think i have gotten a hold now, and i think its going to be ok .
music: Cash Cash
Comments
me? i feel so wonderful to have helped you! i was extremely fortunate to meet you too meeshy, because no one else was brave enough to act retarded and silly anywhere we were. they all were too afraid of what people would think. i feel like the people who think they are 'mature' are really just too scared to grow up. i remember thinking that way back in 8th grade english class. dylan goddsey, saying we laughed at everything. why not? why is it so wrong to laugh at everything? laughing is healthy, laughing is good!! id rather be laughing my ass off at something that isnt even funny, than doing drugs, slowly killing myself, and laughing about me and my other 'cool' druggie friends. why is it so wrong to be silly and goofy in todays society? do they WANT us to turn out like the many depressed potheads like sam and omar? i mean, i wont lie, i am in a wonderful WONDERFUL relationship myself, but at least i understand that i could be happy without him. maybe i wouldnt have someone to talk to at night. maybe i wouldnt have someone to make me smile in the morning. but your significant other isnt the only thing important in your life!! i think thats pretty amazing, coming from me, the girl who is constantly 'in love'. i figured out that i dont even need to say i love you to be happy with someone. i dont even care anymore that jaysen doesnt 'love' me! its enough to know he cares about me, and does so, so much for me, despite how it looks and sounds sometimes. i know at least, if jaysen left me, i would be sad. but i would get over it. i got over hunter in a few days, right? and i was with him for a year! there are so many happy things in life. sometimes, i just think of the small things. sweet tea. my swings. playing halo and whooping peoples asses. goings clothes shopping. watching sunsets. DANCING IN THE RAIN. having a food fight at lunch. raving. making a fort! HAVING GARAGE ADVENTURES. (which by the way, when madame asked what i did last weekend, i told her me and you had a garage adventure, she was like.. how do you do that? i was like nous avons trouve beacoup de choses! (we found lots of things). lawls.) i just can think of so many goddamn happy things. it makes me think of yes man, which we should watch next time you come over. the girl, allison, says. life is a big playground. we know it when we are kids, but most of us forget it when we are adults. i think everyone is starting to forget, at much too early of an age :) i wish there was some way to fix that, but we cant. so lets just be different from those non-playgrounders, and build our own. im so happy to know at least that me and you understand that. this was really long, and im going to post it on mine i think. lol. :) keep writing michelle. i really really really love to read them and find out how you are feeling. if you think thats creepy and dont want me to read it, just tell me. i wish you would answer your phone though! i want to talk to you when i read these. but im going to say this again, and probably keep saying it. YOU SHOULD WRITE A BOOK. keep writing. practice. BECOME A WRITER. unless you really really dont want to do that, fine, be a lameo :D but you have so much potential, at least consider it as a side job. ;) talk to you later sweetie.
look at my pictures. well theres only one.