these are the best days of our lives

Mon, 15 Jun 2009

Sun, 14 Jun 2009

8:27 PM - My pass time

Where is My positivity, my hopefull happy veiw on life? Why does it have to be such a challenge to keep? Like i dont understand it why do we have to work to be happy, when we should have to work for sadness, if that makes sense? I went home for a little, because i think i had like a mini break down. I almost cried. ALmost. Sam called me, again while i was at my house, I didnt want to answer, but that was twice he called me, so i figured i should, He told me that he deleted his blog and it had nothing to do with me and it was for the best, like hell it was, since when does what best even matter ? No one takes consideration of whats best.
 
And the whole reason of his blog started with me, He kept it on there because i wanted him to, and then Isnt it convienent that after i post about how difficult it is for me to read his blogs he deletes it? I just find it hard to believe it did not have anything to do with me but he kept trying to make that clear, all i siad was ok. The whole time, was just.. mk. k . sure. I wish i could have siad more.
 
From my free time, i try to convince myself im happy, what am i complaining about, but then i think if i was happy why would i even think about thinking im happy? ISnt that already a form of questioning my state ? Here i am overthinking, just as a pass time. I wish i new what i needed to do, or what to do, i need somone to understand with me, and not find me as a horrible person, i feel like i am, like i just have to go and Completely Murder every good thing that trys to happen in my life, and then i feel like im just letting people down, because i probably am.
 
I should mention that hunter kissed me. I kissed him back too, I dont know what i think. BAsically what I have already siad, that i dont know, I want someone in the same situation Or was in the same place, who feels how i do, who i can talk to and connect with just because its nice to know someone else understands. HOw can anyone help me if they dont know whats wrong? If i dont even know whats wrong?  I looked at my horoscope today and it siad that i should talk to friends about my troubles because they can help. The closest person to understaning would be vittoria because shes had her share of boy issues, but because she reads this, and maybe this makes more sense then i think, maybe theres an obvious outlit to whats happening. I dont want to Talk to hunter, because hes involved. Theres vittoria.
 
But Shes makeing new friends, like Jaysens group, and then Eryn. Like there all much happier, and silly then me, I dont want to feel like im competeing and i know im Her bff, because we have been bff's for a long time. I just wish i could be like her other friends a little too.
 
I am not myself see, usually i would not even consider something like that because im so happy with who i am, Even if i am not happy. My personality Is down, just like the res of me, i cant stand my emotions going back and forwth, like I would rather just have one emotion, all the time and go from there, not One day be soo happy, and the next be wishing i was someone else. Its messed up. I Wish i was dreaming, because i never to limit myself when i am dreaming, but i always limit myself when im awake. Im afriad of failing, and then i just limit myself in other ways, with what i say and how i act, but i have to because if i went around doing everything i wanted too.. well then there would be chaos everywhere, so thats not such a bad thing, its only bad with certain things.
 
I sam still going to read my blog? ? With his gone, maybe he had the same issue as me, and it didnt help him to be seeing what i was up to, i am a hard person to follow, either that or he has no interest in my life any more, and that could be very possible to. Either way i would like to know if he is, So i guess if he does not comment This then i know. Knowing is better.  This is my past time of being here, god i hope my computer at home is not fried from lightning or something? Did i turn it off?
 
Im probably makeing everything worse for myself, when i went home for a little, during my break down, i had nothing to do while my laundry was going, so i read my old journal, the one thats actually written down, IT was this time last summer, till the end of summer. Summer. Was it as care free as it seems? Or has everything really been difficult its just how i chose to look at things. Thats all any emotion is isnt it? a perspective, on how you take things, How you see whats going on .
 
I read about how sam would come over in the mornings, before and i remembered how pissy allison would be, How her silly reasoning for things made me a little more light hearted, and i laughed at how simply i put things, i rushed through things because i had to write them down and it would hurt my hands after a while, there was no detail, and i come and look at these where i feel like if i read them in the future, it will be like re liveing, This time of my life. Every page, and Entry should be like that . I wish i had this though were there was more detail because there was not enough, But there was a little, to wear i can remember what i did, but not enough to know exactly what i was feeling. It was not that long ago, but it feels like it was, like it was.
 
Im excited for when we move into our house, we can bring yellow kitty, and i can pain my room, and i can have space. I can hopefully feel refreshed, i mean when im at the town house.. I think of sam more, because i feel like hes going to be outside, i keep thinkning, and pictureing all these things that would never happen, but i think they do, until i realize that it only happened in my head, And like i already siad i dont even want to type about them because im ashamed and if i talk about them it will only make me think of my situation worse.
 
So this is what it leads to me ranting about things that no one cares about, however i think i have run out, i mean i am the type of person who could keep dragging on the same thing if i really wanted to just re phaseing things that all come down to meaning the same thing. However i dont want to do that, I guess im out of my pass time.. Is it pathetic that lately i just feel like running? Like thats my only outlit for anything, but.. then i feel weird because people always seem to be in my way, by looking at me and then i feel awkward. ugh here i go on my pointless ranting. Thank you vittoria for that sketch book! haha

()

1:30 PM - seriously? I think im a wreck.

I dont know what i want, and i hate this more then anything. I feel alot of pressure from hunter and i dont like that. Like for me to make choices, or tell people how i feel about him, but its like sometimes i dont know how i feel, and when i say i dont know i really mean it. I cant explain it, or anything im feeling, i thought i got rid of sam from my dreaming but i had one last night and i realized he called me this morning, i was all happy too.. like oh my god sam called me. I dont like that, it could have been one of his friends, or maybe he was high or something, or maybe he called to make fun of me, like jeremy did.. why cant they leave me alone, im not happy, im confused, and i think im freeking out, i want to go home, where i can just clean my room, and try to feel better, i want space from people. I want to go home, and pretend like everythings ok, Jesus, why did i let myself get so attacthed for sam, and why couldnt i see how much i did feel about him when i had him. I mean i dont regret what i did, ido think i need time, i mean this is messing me up, I dont want to be honest about whats going through my head, as i pretend, because honestly i dont want to face that, to believe it. I hate to hurt hunter, but what else can i do ? I am so not ready for anything, and im going to stick with being alone for a long time, i cant deal with haveing anyone there, because this is how i am, im a wreck and im confuseing i go from happy, to not wanting them at all. I cant do this, its not fair to anyone, why Does he have to like me? I wish he liked rose enough, since she likes him, and they could be happy and it would be so easy, and maybe he only thinks he likes me.

I want to go home, i want to put all my clothes away, and get ready for AMA i want to watch videos o n my  computer, and i want to be away from All of them here. They make me mad, there like jeremy, i dont even know why im letting people get to me, thats not me. Lately I have been so confused, and so far from acting like myself, im not thinking, im not feeling right. I want to go home. My mom wont take me until tuesday and she does not get it. Its not fair. Im old enough to be on my own for two days and technically one since i want to have a sleep over with lizz and rose. Its not like Sams going to come over, because it would be more likely that I got hit by a helicoptor. Why did he call me? He deleted his blog. I think it wont come back this time, because i siad i did not want to read it. I do want to .. i just shouldnt. MAybe this is good. I can take a break from him completly.. except in my dreams and i need space there too. I actually had three dreams, and the two of them were awsome, in the third one

I was a little boy, and i was hideing from  this man in the doorway killing all the people there, i didnt know his purpose or why he was doing this but apparently he could not see me. He found me eventually, and when he want to shoot me, it was like i could put things in slow motion, and i caught his bullet, and then i looked up and time un froze and he was amazed, then i tolded him what i discovered and he throw glass at me, i choopped alll the peices in half, it was fun. 

My 1st dream was cool too, Hunter was in this one, and so was vittoria .  and a few other extreme people. We would go into old places, Oh but before that there was two random boys who were little but they like .. new how to get it on. And they were gay. Anyways that faded, into me and the others, and we would go into old places, with spirites that had been abonded, or just places, and we would close the door, and suddenly we were in that place, but in a different dimension . Where we could see the super natural. But there would also be what was of the place and we would get free things, ONe place we all had to ride out of, its like riding into a circle of light i had no where to go so i rode with vittoria but when we went through the circle Her bike split into two, of the exact same bike.. so then we were each rdeing one and i didnt share one with her anymore.

3rd dream was with Sam mostly anyways, i cant remember much of it but it was like we were friends, and he went with me to this movie thing, that was just like the boys from the fair i went to. We just talked and did whatever the whole time, i could still remember though how we were, but i didnt bring it up because i liked what was happenening, maybe he was doing that too.

I dont know what im doing, i dont know where im going, I want to be at home .

()

Fri, 12 Jun 2009

12:46 AM - Jermey pissed me off.

 
 

[23:59] Jeremy4649: shell
[23:59] SkyInTheCloud007: yeah ?
[23:59] Jeremy4649: is it really ok
[23:59] Jeremy4649: is it really just highschool
[00:00] Jeremy4649: cause thats what i heard
[00:00] SkyInTheCloud007: ??
[00:00] Jeremy4649: well i mean
[00:00] Jeremy4649: thats what i heard
[00:00] SkyInTheCloud007: I think i know what your getting at but im not sure ?
[00:00] SkyInTheCloud007: do you mean, with relationships?
[00:00] Jeremy4649: ya
[00:00] Jeremy4649: its ok gizzee its just highscool
[00:01] SkyInTheCloud007: ofcorse
[00:01] SkyInTheCloud007: it is.
[00:01] Jeremy4649: LMFAO
[00:01] Jeremy4649: thats such bs though
[00:01] Jeremy4649: like
[00:01] SkyInTheCloud007: the way i see it, is even though we mostly know that the people we date we wont end up with, its not pointless because its still setting us up for finding who we really want.. i mean we cant know what type of person we want unless, we know what we dont want? you know? and its just.. the experience.
[00:02] Jeremy4649: really
[00:02] SkyInTheCloud007: well i dont know about you but i am in high school
[00:02] SkyInTheCloud007: and thats not bs to me.
[00:02] Jeremy4649: lol
[00:02] Jeremy4649: i mean saying
[00:02] Jeremy4649: its ok cause its just highschool
[00:03] SkyInTheCloud007: if you mean it, why not.
[00:03] SkyInTheCloud007: go ahead and tell me whats wrong with that
[00:03] Jeremy4649: like cause
[00:03] Jeremy4649: even though your in highschool
[00:03] Jeremy4649: like
[00:03] Jeremy4649: those feelings are real
[00:03] Jeremy4649: and
[00:03] Jeremy4649: pain is still pain
[00:04] Jeremy4649: emotions still matter
[00:04] Jeremy4649: especially to the people that get hurt
[00:05] SkyInTheCloud007: Ok, but liek i did bring that up with sam, i knew what he felt was real, that all the pain was real people get hurt, did you ever think the other side of the break up got hurt too ? Its not like i did that and felt good? Its just that people should rememeber that its just high school and though you might have felt or thought that way.. what do we "high schoolers " have to compare our feelings too ? WE have plenty of time.. we shouldnt be set for life quite yet. were too young. that is how i mean
[00:06] Jeremy4649: but
[00:06] Jeremy4649: thats horrible
[00:06] SkyInTheCloud007: are you asking about this because, you heard thats what i siad to sam or something ?
[00:06] Jeremy4649: like
[00:06] Jeremy4649: let me break up with you because im in highschool and maybe i shouldnt still be with you but i dont know for sure
[00:07] Jeremy4649: like
[00:07] Jeremy4649: if you find something good
[00:07] Jeremy4649: stick with it
[00:07] Jeremy4649: nothing changes when highschool is over
[00:07] Jeremy4649: its the same bullshit
[00:07] SkyInTheCloud007: yeah but not if your not completely happy.
[00:07] Jeremy4649: but more consequences
[00:07] SkyInTheCloud007: its not bull shit. if thats how you feel ?
[00:07] Meebo Message: Could not IM buddy
[00:07] SkyInTheCloud007: Im not pulling any bull shit.
[00:08] Jeremy4649: no
[00:08] Jeremy4649: but
[00:08] Jeremy4649: nothing changes after highschool
[00:08] SkyInTheCloud007: do you not get, that i can understand that feelings are real.. its just even though things were good.. i dont want to be in that my whole i need to be able to know what i want, me as an individual, i dont even know who i am yet. how can i know what i wantt. i am only specking for myseld.
[00:09] SkyInTheCloud007: yeah things change after high school you grow the fuck up .
[00:09] Jeremy4649: ya
[00:09] Jeremy4649: but
[00:09] Jeremy4649: you still deal with the same shit
[00:09] Jeremy4649: and its just as gay
[00:09] SkyInTheCloud007: thats not about high school
[00:09] SkyInTheCloud007: thats life.
[00:09] Jeremy4649: but there are more consequences for what you do
[00:10] SkyInTheCloud007: well if thats the case then dont do things worth consequenses if you cant handle them .
[00:10] SkyInTheCloud007: its part of growing up
[00:10] Jeremy4649: i dont wanna grow up
[00:10] Jeremy4649: and
[00:10] Jeremy4649: no one can make me
[00:10] SkyInTheCloud007: It does not matter.
[00:10] SkyInTheCloud007: your doing what you want right now arnt you ?
[00:11] Jeremy4649: and im always gonna do what i want
[00:11] SkyInTheCloud007: alright
[00:11] SkyInTheCloud007: then whats your issue?
[00:11] SkyInTheCloud007: if its what you want? then why arnt you happy?
[00:11] Jeremy4649: because
[00:11] Jeremy4649: just beccause i do what i want doesnt mean im happy
[00:12] SkyInTheCloud007: obviously. but why not.. shouldnt you be happy if your doing what you want?
[00:12] Jeremy4649: you would think that
[00:12] Jeremy4649: but
[00:12] Jeremy4649: i mean
[00:12] Jeremy4649: i do the things i do because im not happy
[00:12] Jeremy4649: and
[00:12] Jeremy4649: i only do them
[00:12] Jeremy4649: cause i have to do something
[00:12] Jeremy4649: but at the end of the day
[00:12] Jeremy4649: i still fall asleep depressed
[00:12] SkyInTheCloud007: so you should find something that will actually make you happy.
[00:12] Jeremy4649: and i still dont enjoy waking up
[00:13] SkyInTheCloud007: not just to leave you in the same place you were.
[00:13] Jeremy4649: and ok ya i would love to find something (a girlfriend) that would make me happy
[00:13] Jeremy4649: but thats not gonna happen
[00:13] SkyInTheCloud007: you sound like my mom
[00:13] SkyInTheCloud007: i dont get why people need people so badly though ?
[00:13] Jeremy4649: because
[00:13] SkyInTheCloud007: your still young like explain to me why that would make you happy
[00:14] Jeremy4649: like
[00:14] Jeremy4649: ok
[00:14] Jeremy4649: i enjoy having someone to call mine
[00:14] SkyInTheCloud007: i get that
[00:14] Jeremy4649: i like being able to think that someone in this world loves me
[00:14] Jeremy4649: when they dont have to
[00:15] SkyInTheCloud007: Im sure your friends love you.. but i do get the first thing you siad.
[00:15] Jeremy4649: but
[00:15] Jeremy4649: friends loving me
[00:15] Jeremy4649: and a girl loving me
[00:15] Jeremy4649: are two completely different things
[00:15] SkyInTheCloud007: sure
[00:16] SkyInTheCloud007: (thats not sarcastic or anything haha )
[00:16] Jeremy4649: like maybe if i were a girl and i could get any guy i wanted at the snap of my fingers
[00:16] Jeremy4649: it would be different
[00:16] SkyInTheCloud007: ?
[00:16] Jeremy4649: im just saying
[00:17] SkyInTheCloud007: well your not a girl haha well as far as i know, and i cant help you get one
[00:17] SkyInTheCloud007: so im not sure i can do anything
[00:17] SkyInTheCloud007: for you
[00:18] Jeremy4649: you like
[00:18] Jeremy4649: missed the whole point
[00:18] Jeremy4649: but
[00:18] Jeremy4649: its ok
[00:18] Jeremy4649: its just highschool
[00:18] SkyInTheCloud007: what
[00:18] Jeremy4649:
[00:18] SkyInTheCloud007: point
[00:18] Jeremy4649: michelle
[00:18] SkyInTheCloud007: haha
[00:18] Jeremy4649: calm down
[00:18] Jeremy4649: its highschool
[00:18] Jeremy4649: nothing really matters
[00:18] Jeremy4649: cause
[00:18] Jeremy4649: its
[00:18] Jeremy4649: just
[00:18] Jeremy4649: highschool
[00:18] Jeremy4649:
[00:18] SkyInTheCloud007: are you mockinh me...
[00:18] Jeremy4649: kinda
[00:19] SkyInTheCloud007: then why bother talking to me.
[00:19] Jeremy4649: why not
[00:19] SkyInTheCloud007: when im here to listen
[00:19] SkyInTheCloud007: and you
[00:19] SkyInTheCloud007: take what i think
[00:19] SkyInTheCloud007: and mock it
[00:19] SkyInTheCloud007: tell me the point in that
[00:19] Jeremy4649: lol
[00:19] Jeremy4649: michelle
[00:19] Jeremy4649: seriously
[00:19] Jeremy4649: its not a big deal
[00:19] Jeremy4649: calm down
[00:19] SkyInTheCloud007: im not yelling or anything i couldnt be any calmer.
[00:19] Jeremy4649: lol
[00:19] Jeremy4649: ok
[00:20] Jeremy4649: so whats the issue
[00:20] SkyInTheCloud007: you tell me your the one makeing fun of me
[00:20] Jeremy4649: im just saying lifes easier when you have a vagina
[00:20] Jeremy4649:
[00:20] SkyInTheCloud007: ................
[00:20] SkyInTheCloud007: you cant be serious.
[00:20] Jeremy4649: aw
[00:20] Jeremy4649: i am
[00:20] Jeremy4649: i mean
[00:20] Jeremy4649: so what
[00:21] Jeremy4649: girls have periods
[00:21] Jeremy4649: and babies
[00:21] Jeremy4649: so what
[00:21] Jeremy4649: small price to pay
[00:21] SkyInTheCloud007: yea so what
[00:21] Jeremy4649: to rule the world
[00:21] SkyInTheCloud007: we have vaginas. boys have penis's so what .
[00:21] Jeremy4649: and
[00:21] Jeremy4649: boys need vagina
[00:21] Jeremy4649: girls dont need penis
[00:21] SkyInTheCloud007: thats
[00:21] SkyInTheCloud007: not our problem
[00:21] SkyInTheCloud007: some girls
[00:22] SkyInTheCloud007: have a hard time too.. some girls get heart broken to
[00:22] SkyInTheCloud007: gender has nothing to do with it
[00:22] Jeremy4649: but girls benifit from the problems guys have
[00:22] SkyInTheCloud007: and guys cant do the same?
[00:22] Jeremy4649: no
[00:22] SkyInTheCloud007: I dont
[00:22] SkyInTheCloud007: even want to talk to you about this
[00:22] Jeremy4649: because it doesnt work that way
[00:22] SkyInTheCloud007: i have been on a face punching role today
[00:22] SkyInTheCloud007: im pretty fired up.
[00:23] SkyInTheCloud007: haha
[00:23] Jeremy4649: lmao
[00:23] Jeremy4649: like
[00:23] Jeremy4649: my mom punching problem
[00:23] SkyInTheCloud007: see were not so different .
[00:23] Jeremy4649: lol
[00:23] Jeremy4649: well
[00:23] Jeremy4649: still
[00:24] SkyInTheCloud007: nope
[00:24] Jeremy4649: michelle
[00:24] Jeremy4649: calm down
[00:24] Jeremy4649: its ok
[00:24] Jeremy4649: its just
[00:24] Jeremy4649: highschool
[00:24] SkyInTheCloud007: jeremy if you
[00:24] SkyInTheCloud007: tell me to calm down one more time
[00:24] Jeremy4649: >.< lol
[00:24] SkyInTheCloud007: like
[00:24] SkyInTheCloud007: i dont believe your mocking me, i feel like this is sam.
[00:24] SkyInTheCloud007: because hes like pmsing at me
[00:24] SkyInTheCloud007: i dont get what i did to you
[00:24] Jeremy4649: no seriously
[00:24] SkyInTheCloud007: though
[00:24] Jeremy4649: im not sam
[00:25] SkyInTheCloud007: im not going to be serious with you
[00:25] SkyInTheCloud007: when your not serious with me .
[00:25] Jeremy4649: you didnt do anything to me
[00:25] Jeremy4649: im just playing with you
[00:25] SkyInTheCloud007: it just sound slike sam/.
[00:26] Jeremy4649: lmao really
[00:26] SkyInTheCloud007: ... whats that soppesed to mean
[00:26] SkyInTheCloud007: i am so confused right now
[00:26] SkyInTheCloud007: i think im going to go
[00:26] Jeremy4649: awh
[00:26] Jeremy4649: why
[00:26] SkyInTheCloud007: Im already confuseing enough
[00:27] SkyInTheCloud007: and i fuck everyones life up. I think ill just go to my little dream land where i have no one i can mess up. and thats fine with me
[00:27] Jeremy4649: >.<
[00:27] Jeremy4649: STOP
[00:27] Jeremy4649: see
[00:27] Jeremy4649: this is what im talking about
[00:27] Jeremy4649: you turn it on me so that i feel bad
[00:27] SkyInTheCloud007: Since i have life so easy
[00:27] SkyInTheCloud007: why cant i be mean to you .
[00:28] SkyInTheCloud007: you were mean to me =(
[00:28] Jeremy4649: cause im already depressed
[00:28] SkyInTheCloud007: im not just gonna sit here and take it.
[00:28] SkyInTheCloud007: So you can bring everyone down with you ?
[00:28] SkyInTheCloud007: i could care less.
[00:28] SkyInTheCloud007: I think deppression is all in peoples head everyone emotion people feel.. is all in there. head its what they make of it .
[00:29] SkyInTheCloud007: I have been deppressed. so dont tell me i dont know what its like
[00:29] SkyInTheCloud007: i didnt turn to drugs though so i guess you got me there
[00:29] Jeremy4649: but im like
[00:29] Jeremy4649: suicidal
[00:29] Jeremy4649: depressed
[00:29] SkyInTheCloud007: and you dont know that i wasnt?
[00:29] Jeremy4649: well
[00:29] Jeremy4649: your still alive
[00:29] SkyInTheCloud007: and so are you .
[00:30] Meebo Message: Could not IM buddy
[00:30] SkyInTheCloud007: im sorry im a harsh bitch. there ill admit it. Im not treating oyou and different then ill treat the rest of the world.
[00:30] Jeremy4649: but
[00:30] Jeremy4649: michelle
[00:30] SkyInTheCloud007: but
[00:30] SkyInTheCloud007: jeremy
[00:31] Jeremy4649: just
[00:31] SkyInTheCloud007: ??
[00:31] Jeremy4649: LMFAO
[00:31] Jeremy4649: i need to stop
[00:31] Jeremy4649: lol
[00:31] SkyInTheCloud007: i dont see how your so deppressed you think everything is funny.
[00:31] Jeremy4649: because
[00:31] Jeremy4649: im depressed
[00:32] Jeremy4649: but im annoying
[00:32] SkyInTheCloud007: your not usually annoying
[00:32] Jeremy4649: really?
[00:32] SkyInTheCloud007: yeah .
[00:32] Jeremy4649: oh
[00:32] Jeremy4649: well
[00:32] Jeremy4649: i sowwie
[00:32] SkyInTheCloud007: why i thought today you canbe annoyinh because your deppressed?
[00:33] SkyInTheCloud007: so why are you sorry
[00:33] SkyInTheCloud007: your only acting how you want .
[00:33] Jeremy4649: because
[00:33] Jeremy4649: its just highschool
[00:33] Jeremy4649: so
[00:33] Jeremy4649: i should make a big deal out of it
[00:33] SkyInTheCloud007: im not im a girl
[00:33] SkyInTheCloud007: my lifes so perfect.
[00:34] Jeremy4649: lucky
[00:34] SkyInTheCloud007: i mean here i am
[00:34] SkyInTheCloud007: snapping my fingers and all these
[00:34] SkyInTheCloud007: boys keep
[00:34] SkyInTheCloud007: shooting at me
[00:34] SkyInTheCloud007: its crazy .
[00:34] Jeremy4649: i know right
[00:34] SkyInTheCloud007: like threw the walll.
[00:34] SkyInTheCloud007: and its a school night! they should be at home sleeping
[00:34] Jeremy4649: scary stalkers
[00:35] SkyInTheCloud007: nah
[00:35] SkyInTheCloud007: its just the power i have being a girl.
[00:35] SkyInTheCloud007: They dont stay becaise i bitch at them
[00:35] SkyInTheCloud007: and make them sad.

()

Thu, 11 Jun 2009

11:58 PM - to be clear.

The last post was confuseing, sorry. I am so confused. Sam posted in his blog thing, good luck to hunter... Yes good  luck.
 
Alright what i ment when i siad i wish hunter liked someone else, is because i hate to think im putting him in this stuck situation, i mean if hes ok with waiting for me then thats wonderful, im actually feeling better agin about AMA.. i just know when we go out im going to be for sure, and its not that i want to be with sam.. i mean i broke up with him because i was no happy, Its just i care so much about sam. I wish i did not. I do. Like When i got back with sam, thinking he could be happy and i could be content, that did not work. I couldn't be content, i was for a while, i was so happy, happier then ever, i wish that had lasted. I mean i dont want sam like i want Hunter. I see sam more as a close relative now, that sounds weird i know, i mean people dont make out with their relatives....well not people around here. I obviously did not see him like that when we were dateing but now its like, im not physically attracted to him, but i care about him, i dont want to date him, but i dont want Him to be out of my life, and at the same time i do. I dont want to feel this way. I feel so sure about hunter when sams out of my way. I think this helped me, its that when im alone, I think about hunter (=, I think about being happy, and i dont think about sam. I think about hunter, with my friends, and with him. The only time i get messed up is when i read sams blog, because i dont like what i am reading. I dont like that hes mad at me, i dont like that He does bad things, and i dont like anything about it. nothing.  and then i get confused as to why i care so much, but atlest now i understand. Im over sam as my boyfriend, but not over him to where i can just.. NOt be effected by anything.
 
I was on the phone with hunter.. and i think im more comfortable with hunter then i thought. Im deffinitly much more attracted to him then i was with sam. haha thats scary . xD . I just feel bad for brining him down with me, I really hate that im so confusing, that i dont make much sense. I like talking to hunter, haha hes being all cute, since he knows im not a phone person, but its like.. i dont mind, i want to talk to you :) . I talked for him a little over an hour, and thats crazy for me. Im so excited for AMA and shareing an Air matress with him. At one point he was on the phone, He was humming, and i was falling asleep, and i really like thought he was right next to me, and i realized that this was all in my head so then i made it more entertaining by haveing him touch my face while he was humming me to sleep haha. >.> i feel like such a freek with this stuff, but im so happy with these thoughs, and im so sure.
 
I dont think i want to read sams blog any more. I dont like it, and it makes me upset and confused, its hard to not read it , but vittoria reads them.. so i think if she just tells me the basic stuff that will be ok, it doesnt effect me like that .
 
Sam had posted in his blog, 
 
wtf is with michelle xD "i dont want a boyfriend for a couple years" mhmm. not that i care, just saying. good luck to hunter haha, when she gets confused and breaks up with him.
 
Well To be exact i never siad i didnt want a boy friend for a couple of years, i did say for a while though.. but thats what i thought i felt.. And i so clearly, want hunter. I am sorry though, for how confusing i am. I dont want to make things complicated for hunter, i dont think im that difficult usually im much more chill, i  have just been slightly lost latley, but i think its makeing sense now, now that i atlest know the root to my conflicting emotions, but i do know.. what i think about most, and most positively.  

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8:21 PM - I want to go home .

I couldn't say i hate jessica enough. So it was just your typical jessica trying to be controling, like shes my mom and i have had enough, for some reason the pretending was not good enough for me today, but in closer detail.
So i was talking to my mom, not jessica my mom, about Helping them clean the house, sure i should do it for free, but thats what i usually do, and at this point i want money for AMA.. and she siad that thats fine, (since she usually pays jessica to clean, even though she does shit, and shes the one who makes the mess in the first place, i mean seriously. ) So then jessica jumps in with, "we have no money, she shouldnt have to pay you to clean" .. and i mean sure she has a point, but this is not her conversation, and with jessica this statment is different then if anyone else siad it, First of all...jessica never does anything for free, she has to gain something, other then the thrill of being nice. second of all.. Jessica only cares abotu spending money when it is not on her. Its not her money to spend, but she acts like it is, if i want something, even the tiniest of thing, she goes off and me and then two minuetes later she will ask for something and its ok. SO that annoyed me, and then we got into a verbal arguement, because I was like, ok i wasnt talking to you, and your really one to talk . You never work unless you get paid, and then shes like you never do anything, and that pisses me off. I have not done anything recentlly because i dont live here, why should i have to clean up after them? But when i did live here i would help my mom clean for things, while she does it for money i wouldnt, and she never would give me any credit.. but i would always be the one doing most of the work, you have no idea how frustrating that is, If im not getting paid, the lest she could give me was some credit. Free of charge. I knew this conversation would not go any where, because it happens alot, because of all the things i let her say, and let them slide that is not one, i wont some freeking appreciation. Look at your house. How can you say i make the mess, when it was already here? What is a year not long enough for me to have been gone? I mean donnt tell me that this is my mess from last year.

(haha shes trying to get in the house, i locked her out, but we'll get there in a minuete, Surprisingly shes thin enough to Fit through the window, hm its a tight fit. )

SO i just finally, shut up, and i was like.. mom? seriously... your trying to talk to me, your just going to let her but in. Your the Adult.. stop just fucking sitting there, Why do you think you have no damn authority, because YOU do this!! you dont do anything.

Eventually she shut up, and i went on, SHe was about to write down a list of things i could do, I am tired of wasteing my time, and i have nothing better to do here, other then blog, and im not in the mood to actually do anything other then play the sims, because i want to so bad, so nothing else is worth it even though i dont even have the sims yet.
Thats when my mom siad something out loud, and oh god jessica thinks i dont know what it means to clean and starts filling me in on every little thing, like OH AND you have to do this and this and this.. and im sitting there, liek your not mom, and yeah that all follows in the same room, and it was really pissing me off, so i told her to stop talking and that if she didnt i was going to punch her in the face. She kept going about how i cant do things right and more blah blah no shit information, SO i got up, and she through her legs at me, like that was really going to do anything, and i punched her in the face, but i could only really reach her, forhead, hair line area. Then that dumbass throws her phone, like thats really going to do anything to me, and it hit the lamp, the pretty blue one, and it shattered, i mean i told her i was going to punch her did she not believe me, i told her more then once. She should have believed me, and damn did that feel so much better then it does in my head. She has not taken responsibility, for breaking the lamp and she wont. Its ridiculous. God, I hate jessica, if i can come close to expressing that emotion, thats the closest i will ever get .
Then she ran away like the little sissy she is, Like she always has done, she runs away while im here, enjoying the space with out her.
You can push me, but eventually it will be to far, were all time bombs, waiting to go off. And then just re set ourselves, its how it is.
My wrist hurt, and so it was worth it. The idiot, complained like OHH MY HEADS BLEEDING. please, you dont bleed from being punched, not by me.. i mean i know im buff and all but not that buff, and i did not have a clear shot, but i did get her good, it hurt my wrist . The only time i would believe anythign was bleeding would be if i hit her in the nose. not the forhead.. i wanted her eye or her nose, thats what i was aiming for but her legs got in the way. Stupid dramatic there was no blood. She acted as if it were all over her hand like she could even see her head if there was, i mean there was none on her hands. Amuseing.
I was so raged though, i wish i could have punched her so much more, isnt that horrible. Like they do in movies, The way they just beat someone up, i never got how people could be like that? Just beat somone, but Being so angry.. well its not that hard to want to just beat someone senseless.
I called vittoria, i needed to call someone, hunter or vittoria but vittoria is on speed dile. And i did not want hunter to think of me as a dramatic sychotic or something.
She calmed me down a bit, She made me el oh el. But my phone died on her, so darn.


I want to go home.

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7:02 PM - sick of feeling.

 

I understand, Why im so confused, why im filled with negative and positive feelings, because i realized this yesterday I was so happy and confident and It felt like me and hunter were already a couple, but then i read sams blog. Why do i do that to myself? IT only makes me upset to see what he has to say. Why could i have not been content with what i had, When it was so perfect it was scary, i did have issues with sam being with in only one perspective all the time, with him being close minded, but He loved me, shouldnt that be enough. Is there going to be something, better, i dont know if i will ever be that comfortable with someone, but it was just too soon, im to young to be in something like that. I still am un happy with myself, for not being able to be content, and i am so clearly not over with sam. I cant be content knowing that hes doing drugs, i mean thats all he has to look up for. Pathetic. No shit he has a problem, and i hope he has not done ectasy, because it can be addictive. Just like anything else can be, things dont need some chemical to be addictive, you can mentaly be addicted to something, to a feeling even. Scary.
I did not think i let myself get that close to sam, i thought i kept to myself enough, but i really didnt, i hate that i have only realized this now. I really think i loved him.. Im so attached and i cant seem to just let him go, I still read his blog i need to, its like my own addiction, then again i Have to post my own, and i liek to read vittorias and hunters too, but sams hits me the worst. Sometimes i am a bad michelle, and i imagine, if i just went back with sam, just so he could love me, and i would like him enough, that i could make him happy, and maybe he wouldnt do drugs anymore, and he would be my friend, But i dont know if i could be happy, only knowing that samm is all i have really felt for, i cant know what i want if i have not found out what i dont want. What do i have to compare that too, when im with hunter, its like.. WHy are we not going out yet? It feels like we are? I liked feeling like a couple with him, i liked it alot.. But i get home and i let sam get to me, SO thats when i realized how sudden that changed my emotion, I dont think i am over sam yet, because i still wonder..
I'm stuck in between, feeling like i need him, and feeling like i dont want him, i can't decide if i would rather be content with him, or rather not feel anything for him at all, If i could possibly pick one or the other would i ? Maybe i like being here, even if i am so confused, I feel like i need to pick either one i dont like the middle, and i hate this because i want to be with hunter, but i can not do that until Im so done with sam, because all the emotions at once are too much for me, it leaves me feeling explosive, like i need to cry not because im sad, not because im happy, but because i want to be rid of to much emotion, im not used to this. I dont want hunter, to BE just waiting for me either, I wish he liked some one else. I wish sam did too, so i could just.. I dont know figure this out. BUt i dont even know what im figureing out. I don't think it is fair to hunter because he has to keep waiting for me, i want him to be open to other people, if he is not with me officially if he wants, i dont want to make him, like un avalible. I have to though, well i have to wait to see what i want, i thought i would be REady by AMA but i dont think i will be, maybe i will, my emotions go up and down, like what am i to do other then try to take time and clear my mind.

Why cant i let this go?
Why couldn't i be content with what was?

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7:01 PM - and the story of my life!

I was thinking about my dad, and i was thining about something i kind of just let slide, because even though i new it was true, i did not want to think about it, or to really acknoledge it at all, but i finally let it surface.

Some time when i went on a visit to Teannas with my dad One of them slipped up and siad something about my dads surgery, and i would have got nothing out of that, except that my dads expression went from light to a little hard, a little mini panic. Thats because they were not sopposed to have known eachother that long, but its all pretty obvious. Other then jessica this was the real deal breaker, teanna. If teanna was not around, did not exsist i think my dad would still be here, at my moms house, now i dont think thats a good thing, because they have bluffed on a divorice since i was like 5. I was so relieved when they finally got one, yeah im sad for my mom.. but she wanted it too. She doesnt even know, but she did and i hate how close minded she is being about it . I am happy that teanna showed up, because my dad was so miserable, i mean why would you want to stick around were you were always being yelled at? What i am not happy with, Is the way he handled everything, he completly neglected this family. The one he was married into. He'd stay on his computer, and talk on the phone with teanna for like an hour, after he got home, But he would always just sit in the car and stay there unless someone noticed and came outside to see why he was in the car, i did that one time and he just hung up the phone real fast. He used his surgery and before that he used the way they treated him as an excuse to suclude himself. And i really lost all respect for him, because ok so what, your being yelled at your the parent, i know jessicas sycotic, but ignoreing everything is no help, what about jaysen, and what about me? You can go hide in your other life while were stuck here, in the middled of an un resolved and very broken family . As it went on i was really really, angry with my dad, like i almost hated him, i hated both my parents. For simular reasons and that was because they never did anything. How can you do nothing? It really pissed me off and it still does, because i dont understand. They might have been stressed and had their own problems, but thats no excuse to just give up parenting. Im sorry, but that was not optional. I blame them for jaysen's drug use, I blame them for him not going to college, i blame then for the way jessica is too. Its like, they have always known something was wrong with her, and they just let her be that way. They new jaysen was useing, because i told them, It was obvious, and i was very serious, and they let him? they did not do anything, not even try to talk to him, I did, i did not know what to do so i tried to talk to him, and at this point, i was really hurting from this, i mean i was in like 6th grade, and i did not have the will power to really make my stand, this was not my stand to be standing alone, but i was alone, I did not know who i could talk to and have them understand, i look back on it, and i could have told anyone almost, becky, asked bonnie for advice, but at the same time i still dont see that as a good idea, because they might have gone to far with it, but i think they would have done what they thought appropriate, which was better then what my parents did, being nothing. Half the time when jessica had one of her little break downs.. which happened like everyday, they just sent her to beckys, because becky was there and wanted to help. She did her best until jessica was to much, one time becky had enough, I dont know what happened, no one other then jessica and becky know. Jessica was about to move in with becky comepletly and things were going better then they usually had, and im talking about like elementary school, but after we moved here, into the pebble creek house. so jessica had been at becks for like a week, she was about to start packing, next thing we knew becky and jessica come screaming through the door, becky was saying she was done and closed the door, and jessica just was being jessica.
I have drifted a little from where i started, Yes my father and mother completely useless. Year after year thats how it was, and i really thought most familys were like that, and then i met vittoria, and her mom was so scary but i was really jealous, because her mom cared so much.. yeah it annoyed vittoria, but I'd never learn some things, that vittoria would becuase her mom was there for her. That might sound silly, and stupid but who cares at this point...
And then i met kelseys Family, and that was so nice. Her mom and dad couldnt have loved her more, and yeah they would argue sometimes, but if you never argued with someone you lived with then that alone is very scary. They were all happy and i loved so much to be there, at either one of their houses, because it was just nice. In 7th grade i went on a babysitting trip with my neighbors, and they were all so happy, and i was happy to just be with them, like i siad why would i want to surround myself with negative people by choice? And It was so nice, to be at kaylas like everyday from the end of 4th grade to 6th grade. I could never forget about kayla because was really my first escape. :)
Eventually when the divorice finally went through, or well the seperation and my dad moved out, He had enough of them and wanted more of teanna, no perverted things intended. (ew)
When i moved out things were sketchy at first, i only took things that i had time to pack, Only things i really wanted with me. I did not get my coputer there until almost the end of that summer, We procrastenated that, getting all my furniture. It made me angry, because jessica wanted to live there? THey hate eachother. ALways have. Never have they gotten along, only when she wanted something. SO that really made me mad, she only wanted it because i wanted it. My mom had a break down, Clearly, but she had been takeing deppressent medacine for a long long time. Way before teanna even came into the picture. She was not happy, My dad was not happy, Jessica is never happy, jaysen found his escape, and i found mine with kayla, and who ever else. So if no one was happy, why was it so bad to finally try to change something, when so clearly that was not going to ever get better, only worse.
And instant improvement hit, my grades were better in school, and i was doing better, i did not even know that something could be that nice. like.. i cant even explain the relief, and the new feeling, like i did not know things were tha bad until i got away from it. I put behind me everything i felt for my dad, which was only anger, and annoyance, and there was some awkwardness but that was worth it, and i could see he was really trying to make up what he had lost. He's trying so i can try to forgive him to, and i dont think i have, becuase i just put it behind me. And pretended it never happened, I can almost positivly say that my dad cheated on my mom, and yeah thats messed up, cheating is wrong he should have handled things with his first family before takeing off. Physically his apperance was here, well locked away at work or his room, but he was here, EMotionally he was not any where close. Even though he was Unhappy, miserable and ageing through stress, he still should have done things in such order. It only makes me mad that he trys to act like he did nothing, Even if he had his reasons, he did that, and he needs to be responsible . But in a happier more present day note, he has been there now, or at least hes trying.

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Wed, 10 Jun 2009

4:22 PM - but a blur

 


Its odd really. Sam Came in my life just as quick as he left from it,  and all that  time in between was nothing more then what felt like a dream.  Because everything was so fast. I don’t think I will see him at all this summer. And if I do, it will be as If we had never even met, the awkward pass at a grocery store, and nothing more. A truthful lie, and if a lie could be honest in any way, then why would it be a lie at all.. maybe a misunderstanding, Like right now. I don’t know what im talking about, but im not lying, and how can I know its not a lie, if I’m not making sense? Because. IT simply is not. Im not referring to anything in this, but what did happen. What happened, If I could let it go I think I would have by now, I get so happy with hunter, and I forget about sam. Like I forget about the dreams I have when im sleeping. But when I get online and I read about sam, and anything  hes doing, hes all the sudden real again, I don’t have that sort of feeling for him, I only have what I did feel. That’s what im holding on to. And I cant seem to release It in any way. Im not sad. Im glad I can’t, because I don’t want sam to be the dream I never remember. He could not be, regardless of what I wanted, so that is a good thing. What is a bad thing, what does upset me, and give me these conflicting, and clashy emotions is when I read about him being sad. I don’t feel right, Going off and having all my Fun, Forgetting he even exists, because, especially right now he doesn’t, he really is but a memory. We don’t talk, I wont see him over the summer, how could I possibly even see him as being here, near by, around anything out of my own imagination. I mean everything we think or see is only because its what we believe is happening. What if we were all just experiments, in some future world and were really all just hooked up to a machine that filled our head with everything, I mean how crazy would that be, and even if that meant everything was fake, its fake, but it would still be real to me, if that was all fake, it would not matter, because its what I know and what I have been through, and its worth it to not even be real, Its no way though truly fake, because if my whole life was a machine, then I would be disappointed like the creator could not have thought of some thing a little more amusing, no dragons? NO fairy wings? I mean come on, super powers… anything ?

Well that was fun, wasn’t it ?

I guess its just I feel bad, for Not even thinking about sam, not even Remebering anything about him, while im off doing, what ever it is I do, and then I come home and its like Sam who I thought was ,my dream just traded places with the rest of my life, all my friends and hunter, then its like sams all there is to reality. Everyone else, Is just my dream, but I do not forget about them. I still am feeling with them. Their not a dream, and there not a memory, because im still connecting with them, but still feel more of a distance then there normally would be.  That is the difference I am not feeling with sam. I do not know sam . I knew him, yes, Maybe ? did I ? a misunderstanding? I’m not yet back to my negative state, I am feeling very positive. I am sorry, I forgot… I want to feel with sam, I don’t think it is fair, that I should be happy and he should not be. I need to let this go, Some times I do wish I could cry when I just felt like it, but I can’t unless its some thing so random it caught me off guard, or if I am crying with some one, but other then that nothing seems to phase me. It’s a bit off and its not enough to satisfy me, Im all Yay Hunter, and sam still has me as his “number one”. Why? Why is he doing this to himself? He does not talk to me, so I am not his number one not present day number one, he is doing what I am, and he is holding on to everything that was. I should just be a part of his imagination as well, like the dream he is to me.
and at the same time I want to forget Everything, so i dont have to deal with anything that is wrong with him now. IS that so horrible?
I mean.. ectasy.. seriously? What if hes addicted or something, and he wont even realize it? I dont see how it helps when in the long run it just causes a different type of depression, i dont even want to get into that. Dont be offended.

(2 comments | )

Fri, 5 Jun 2009

11:53 PM - (no subject)

My minds not clear, and my Run was not long enough. It got dark to soon, and vittoria called me, so i couldn't really run, but thats ok. I talked to her. I don't know if anything helped, I don't know i have all these conflicting emotions and i don't know where they go or how to handle them .  I am excited and tingly, I'm sad about some thing? Im so confused... all the time. all the Time i can't seem to get anything straight and not when I'm alone, I'm Ok when I'm with hunter because all i have to think about is him. But when im here home alone, or in my class, or in math. Math more then anything, i Get confused agin because i don't know what it is that I'm so effected by. I don't know why im sad or if it has anything to do with sam, and how can i feel sad and happy at the same time. Everything is clashing. One River trying to flow in two different directions.. and all it does is clash . I don't know which side is stronger. Im afraid. I'm Sick of being afraid. and confused. I don't want to be confused, i can't focus with all this. what do i do ? When I'm having a bad day all i want to do is see hunter. When im having a great day I can't wait to get home and see if sam had one too . GAH This is so much easier when he's being mean to me.. but then he goes and apologizes or something because i miss understood His fish facial expression as a what the hell are you looking at mad face expression. I have problems. Apparently sam was making a fish face at me.. but i dont like that fish face. I told you i was out of it. I was effected by the smallest of things and i really feel like i need to cry i need to relieve some of this any of this. Its so many emotions in one person, and im just getting more. I guess i just took the worst form it since, he hates me.. or so he says, and he doesn't care about what i think or anything. If that was true though he would have made no effert to correct my misguided facial expression reading skills.  The only thing i have been able to wrap my head around has been drawing, or studying colors. I dont want to do this stupid british dialect monologue for theater? and we have a that one act? are we even doing that? I don't want to do the chair . I just want to sleep and run and draw. I know running is kind of an odd ball but it calms me. I don't think im back yet, from my whatever land. I still feel a little un connected. Like i have to much im trying to focus on so everything, my reactions and stuff are slow, because im just bubbling i guess. I'm waiting to explode. To get all this out. or figured out . either one works.

Then theres hunter, and hes a phone person.. I  like talking on the phone with him, but i dont like talking on the phone? Make sense? anyways its just im not a phone person i get to distracted while on the phone, i'd rather be drawing something, or running well today anyways.. but i dont mind because i like talking to Hunter and vittoria both. I guess im willing to be on the phone if hunter wants me to be. I don't mind, its not really my thing, but I wanna be there for him. I just feel bad for getting distracted when hes telling me something, but sometimes when im on the phone i forget im on the phone, even when someone is clearly talking its not that their boring, or that im not holding the phone or anything, its just that i feel like no one is there, because i can't see them, and then theres the fact that i always move the phone like off my ear and can't hear anymore but i don't notice.. and sometimes their talking just blends in. Some how. 

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7:33 PM - what the fuck ever .

I have been so out of it. However.. what i'd like to know is how someone can be so distracted from everything, and yet still feel More then normally. Its like i am over thinking, Thinking so much.. However I don't know whats on my mind, I don't know. Is that impossible? Because its sounds impossible. 
It was a bad day. Yesterday when i was feeling so out of reach. Nothing could get to me, and i  couldn't even get to myself. 
it was pathetic. I was really feeling tired all morning, I helped kelsey with her chair, crafts project. and it was all very mellow i guess. Math came around. We had a substitute or so i thought. we have lunch first block though, so I did not find out that our teacher was there until after lunch. 
Lunch. I went outside with Jennifer, and no one was out there. I always eat with jennifer, I don't know what i would do if she was not there. and then my friend Renee came outside, she is so nice, and she always compliments the way i look, and i like her as a person in general, except she has bad self esteem, She is a little heavy set, but she isn't ugly at all. She's uncomfortable about her size though, and it makes me sad. She was going to go get something to eat so i went with her, I got an ice cream sandwhich, which was different from what i usually get, which is sometimes the "vegetable boat" or fries or a role. or a poptart.. so i get a various amount of things but never the ice cream! she decided to stay inside and eat with Rin and Carey.. Carey is a little heavy to but he's so funny, and he seems happy most of the time, hes in the crowed that really just doesnt give a fuck about what anyone else thinks, and i love it. Rin is like that too... shes a rainbow person  like me toria and Tiffany, her and tiffany are the older "rainbows" but tiffany has gone more dark and rins getting a little more sophisticated,  and vittoria is more crazy, and mines different from theres too.. but as a whole.. i call us rainbows.. but thats just me. Anyways i joined jennifer and was a little bummed to see that a lot of people were outside now. I wished jennifer went under the tree like she was going to. I glanced up to see everyone and sam was there, He looked up.. and i wasn't just going to stare at him so i waved and then he did this whole look like a teacher gives her 6 year old when he did something bad.. except  it was like that, and then looking high, and it was just like ok? I can't wave to you? I just don't like when im in the hall. and some one is clearly starring at you but they just stare i think its weird so i always wave.. like.. yeah hi? i see  you ? or .. um hi.. i didn't mean to be starring at you. I don't know its just who i am. I am awkward. get over it. IT really kinda pissed me off, like i seriously wanted to punch him in the face. We all know i could never really punch anyone in the face and really do it, with an exemption to my sister, and even after her i would feel bad. Hate is an easier emotion. I include anger in that  by they way, Because I actually think Anger is the easiest, hates to strong to just come easily, but when i say hate i mean it more twords anger, and to a smaller degree like dislike.  Was it because it was almost the same expression he had when he was high? only angrier, or was it because he made a face in general. I dont know i didn't get it, why do i over think everything. Seriously though, He was looking at me too.. obviously because thats how we looked at eachother in the first place it takes to so whats he so freeking upset about, or did he just feel like being a total ass. Either way. i was like well fuck this. I kissed jennifer goodbye and then left her to the wolves. (dramatic xD) I sat with my other friends. My friends that are so care free. Rin. Carey. amd renne. renee is the only one i think with confident issues, but its, I didn't talk much during lunch , i didn't have much to say. We went back to math and i was just not feeling up to it. I just didn't like how sam looked. I can't believe i care this much about a fucking face.. but its not that hes mad at me.. ITs the way he looked. IT wasn't sam. well not my sam.. but there is no my sam anymore. .. theres not an old sam, theres not any sam left of what i new . Maybe there is .. since that morning he came to my door.. there was something there, but there was nothing there in the court yard. Maybe he'd like it better if i stopped trying to be so damn friendly, and if i just stared at him with NO emotion at all.. just a flat stare. If it ever happens to were we meet like that agin, I think ill be prepared. No one can understand . 
I ran away to the art room.. I love that room more then anywhere in that school. Its the one place.. the one teacher that understands when you just need to take a day. Mrs hanky my art teacher was not teaching that block, the new art one teacher was in there, but she let me stay. I drew and listened to music that whole class period, it was wonderful. I wish i could have stayed all day. I needed all day to re center myself. I Was not there, and i had not been all morning. Before i went there i had to get a pass, I saw our math teacher in the hall and asked if i passed my SOL .. i probably looked a little shaken up, because he looked a little comical, like calm down yeah you passed, he put his arm over my shoulders, it was kind of creepy, HE also did this creeper like crazy eye contact thing, i passed, that was one relief. one.
I kept fuckin everything up when we were practicing, or thats what it seemed like everyone kept yellin at me, I dont think they understood that i really did not feel like doing that, i think hunter did .. but rose was all >:O mah come on sweet heart or whatever in this tone that i hate.. like talking down on me. I was just super pissy and sensitive all day, actually i would have thought i was on my period, but i already had mine for the month so that wasn't it. I could not focus and i was so afraid of fucking up in front of everyone, not that it would have mattered its only a church thing.. but still.. I just did not like it. I did not want to be there, i wanted to go home and draw. and do something anything, even sleep. Just to get out of everyones way. we did it and it was ok, i did not feel like it was good, but they were pleased and i was being a little critic all day. We got compliments, but im used to that... as horrible as that may sound. Its true. Hunter was excited, he had fun from what i got out of it, that was his first like performance performance,   Since he dropped out last time he was going to do talent show with us, he just had to much going on.  I wish he stayed in it, then agin it happened and made it better, because then we got rose and the two boys and two girl thing worked out very good. 
I don't remember when hunter did this, but i know it made me feel so much better, it wasn't like a OMG HUNTERS TOUCHING ME.. it was just nice.. like i wish i could stay here forever.. like im safe from all the silly  outside troubles. It was when hunter like was behind me and he hugged me at the waist, and i could lean back on him.. and it was wonderful, like the safer of my art room, only instead i was in his arms.. and i kinda prefer it that way . 
I had another bad dream with sam in it that night, and then i just remember hunter hugging me like he did that day.. and it was the only good thing about my dream. 
Sam is becoming such a jerk and he does not care.. i still care i dont want him to be some judgemental jerk.. but honestly, i think i am done careing i dont feel sorry anymore, im going to be the bitch he see's me as. because i cant just tit here and take all his bs. He is getting more and more with the drugs, and it really messes with me, why? why does the way he is mess with me so much, i think im going to go running, I'm not hurt that he hates me, i'm hurt by they way he looked, he looked like your average boy, your average boy who was an ass to most people who he didnt know.. and come to think of it.. since i think sam is judgemental that makes sense, him being selective.. i am going to go running, i havent in a while.. and it might help since no one is here and i need to do some thing. 

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Wed, 3 Jun 2009

12:17 AM - intruder

The Spiders Are not doing their Jobs. A mosquito Is flying free.  Well flying in my face. And its too damn fast to mush. If he is going to stay here, he needs to pay some rent.

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Tue, 2 Jun 2009

10:45 PM - Black and white.

Things are not in freeking black and white, there are so many shades inbetween.. so why is it so difficult for people to look past the easiest understanding. I guess because it's easy, but that shouldn't matter if its wrong. Things don't have to be the way they seem, there not all simple, and a this or that, sometimes theres just a mix, that you need to be open to understand. For instance..

I broke up with sam.

Does that mean, i hate sam and don't want to even see him, don't even want to talk to him. It must right since i broke up with him. Thats the only thing that would make the most logical sense right?

No .. Can i not care about him still?  is it possible that just because i broke up with him, that it doesnt mean that what i siad in the past is a lie.. that really did say what i meant. It wasn't some Bullshit i pulled out of thin air to make him happy. Yes i wanted to make him happy, but if that was the case we would still be together. Things change and there not simple.. then agin this isnt all complex. ITs just theres not two lines all the time.. theres always more to something.  He posted in a survey on myspace about how Girls screw you over. No. there was no like complete like back stab.. screwing over would mean i cheated on him, or i told him i loved him and then the next day break up with him. He knew what was coming. I never once lied. and i never screwed him over.. how could he even put it like that? He's the only one Full of shit, because he does not want me to be happy, thats just saying he would rather me stay with him, not feeling the same way, then leave him.. and that my friend is screwing myself over. I am over dramatic.

The whole black and white concept, its just .. I want to explain it better, to make better sense.. like.. say there was a murder perhaps.. a boy, a thug stabs a nice looking kid clean cut and everything.. You look at this and all you can see is murder. murder. When in reality the kid isnt bad, he isnt exactly good, but perhaps it was all out of self defense, maybe he did not even mean to stab him. If no one ever looked to see what was underneath everything then, people would be going to jail, that were innocent. Then there are things to smaller degrees, but just because its easy to understand doesnt make it true. i don't know if anyone can be evil or good. how can you judge something like that, because i think no matter what there will always be a little of both. I don't know exactly where that is going.. its just floating at me. One of those things that jump on you, sprung up. I feel like i never make any sense. 

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7:40 AM - morning.

Good morning! it's been a while, but its safe to say that i wont miss my carpool, unless they don't come by and pick me up today.. since i was not here yesterday, hm perhaps i should call and make sure. I'm so happy to have all of my laundry done. I hope to have every thing clean this week, like the down stairs too. I have to talk to hunter about what he wants to do for Ama, just incase i need to make anything, then i gotta know now. SO plans for this week . 

1) get house clean/organized. 

2) Find about about AMA (including the car ride to and from ) 

3) Finish Chair. 

So three things, thats not to bad. Could be worse. I'm excited about AMA. Hunter says he's brining his airmatress and wants me to share ^.^ and i want to as well.. obviously. (= fgdrfgcfg.   But i still don't know about rose! why does hunter have to be so adorable!!! Like what kind of friend am i ? I also am excited, because its a chance to make new friends and thats always fun. I don't want to call allison.. I kinda just wanna be like, sam! if they pick you up and im not in the car makes them come get me, but im not talking to sam, so that plan wont really work out. When sams all "mad" at me and whatever it makes getting over him much easier, because.. at least thats a step, and i know how he feels because i have felt that way before with vittoria. I didn't no why i was so mad at her. But i am glad i am over that. and im really glad she can forgive me for being the butthole i was .  I really missed vittoria. :) Her and Jaysen are cute. I'm glad their together too, i didn't like it at first, but i do now. 

As far as emotions go, their playing tricks with me. I'm almost explosive at this point, those things people call "butterflys" but its not just because of hunter i get them when even sam makes any contact with me because its like WHATS GOING ON . haha I don't like sam or anything, but i dont know if im over him, if that makes sense, although like i siad, he makes it easier when hes mad at me, then i dont have any reason to hover, because i know he does not want me there. 

I am going to bring my camera to school today =D i have some picture frame that changes pictures , you just have to slide a memory card in it. So i want pictures for that. :) I have to go, missing my ride for a 3rd time would not be good. 

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Mon, 1 Jun 2009

11:21 PM - Paranoid. fear.

 This Town house, Has too many spiders, its the over all area, because allison has a lot at her house too. It leaves me uneasy, after i see them crawling around. I feel them crawling on me, when nothings there. all that is there is the red mark left From slapping myself like an idiot.  This is what i know as being paranoid. If i get in my bed i feel them under the covers, and i have to run to the light, turn it on, and make sure that there was nothing other then the pillows and blankets that are supposed to consume me. Whats there really to be afraid of? There Just spiders, i could crush one, with just my finger, As far as damage goes, There's the possibility of a small bite, then agian there are two Poisonous spiders living in Virginia. The Black Widow, and the brown Spider, I Think thats what its called but i can't be sure. Even If i were to be bitten, They are both treat able, and at my age its un likely that i am effected with long term injuries, Unless the bite goes un noticed for to long, and it starts taking effect of my amune system.. but hey  what are the chances that its going to be one of those two spiders out of the 3293572 that are lurking around here.. This Really is not calming me. Then again What is their Venom to what the word has to poison me with?  I don't understand why i should be afraid of spiders, I have so many other fears and that ones just an annoyance. Why do i have to be afraid of anything it only stops me from doing things.. but sometimes that good, being afraid Is also being safe is it not? One fear however is the fear of failing. From time to time, im so afraid of the way something will turn out, or of failing, that i wont even try. I wont even attempt because i am to scared. Be brave be brave be brave. As if that is going to help. I'm afraid of conflict, and im afraid of time, I am afraid of losing Anyone close to me, but thats only natural. I am afraid for life to beat me down, as it has done to my aunt. I don't want to ever lose my hope of being happy, and i don't want my dreams, to just dissapear because we need hope, and we need dreams to go on, Is there a difference between having hope and motive? Having hope is having a motive, as well as having a dream. I do not want life to deprive me of either one. I am afraid of ending up like my mom and I'm afraid of Being a prisoner in any way possible. I am afraid of letting anyone to close. Of losing my independency on someone.  I am Afraid of forgetting who i am, I am afraid of Becoming someone I would hate now. Afraid of Emotions, Afraid of fear.  

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8:53 AM - out of aggravation . in a dream .

So since i told sam i was deleting this and everything, he decides to go and copy all of what i have, Its a little irritating, simply because this is mine. Mine to copy and mine to share, but i dont want other copies of this with anyone, but i got over that, and let him do it, although its not like i could have stopped him.  What really made me mad is that he can copy mine and then go and delete his. At least i told him i was going to do it. Not like i would have copied his anyways.. mines enough to figure out how he was. How we were, His basically was just, what did i smoke last weekend. I hate life. There you go. Nice and simple.

I had a nightmare. And it was a bad one.  The begining was Irelevent once i got far enough into the dream to hit a nightmare.  I do know that the other events were about sam, and The part that this all aggravated me was in it as well,  Thats when news got around, just when i was thinking about how all of this is so stupid, how he would say he wants to be my friend but he can't. No he is able to, he can. He is not handicapped like that, its that he doesn't want to be, And im over that. I am growing back over the space that i had left empty for him.  News came around and hit me hard, sam had died in  a car accident . It was so hard to believe it, i cried.. but i had not even let it sink in, and i wasn't open to the thought, so it was just circling me, like a hawk does on its prey, but sooner or later it would have gotten in.  My shield breeched to so much more pain. Sp my feelings, my insides were all numb keeping everything out as long as i could. We went to the park. My sister and my mother.  I punched jessica in the face, She kept talking and talking about, school, about stupid incidents or people that she witnessed, and why the fuck would i care. Expecially after finding out that sam was dead, she never shut up, so i hit her in the face, she fell back and just looked at me and im guessing she didnt find anything thats she was looking for. So she ran and told on me. What did it matter? eventually my dream warped into something else. i was on a field we moved, and there was a soccer field right near my house. I loved it, i could just go outside and practice. I had a place to run. After that i channeled every thing from my last dream into motive, my diet changed, and mostly became salads, and i ran almost everyday. Then i had this weird thing were i did  like a crawl, because it was harder then running, one time my sister raced me, but ofcorse i was faster i always  have been, it does not take much to beat her. Everytime i got to far ahead of her though she made me wait, she'd complain about how un fair it was, i do not cheat. She siad i was and so i would give in and wait up. She did that until the very last of our race. My dream warped agin, but this time everything was blurred, and i was suddenly out of my dream, just watching things blur, item after item, until i had enough and i woke up. To find myself...stuck home all day. Because that damn dream caused me to sleep in agin. Its 9:20... and my carpool left me long ago.

Oops. i am an idiot. I can't keep this up. because if so i might be in some serious trouble, i think i have missed alot of days. It still doesnt matter though, i mean were are'nt doing anything, in any class except theater, and we just do a work sheet in history, which is easy enough to make up right there in class, and english is all review. but its to simple, so i dont need it. gym. No one cares about gym . I don't. if i was going to get fit it would deffinitly not work there during school. Theres just not enough motive, or people to move to let you, try your best and i dont want to.. because its awkward to randomly be good at a sport when every one would think you would be suckish. The boys in my class are dicks too.  

music: Owl City

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Sun, 31 May 2009

5:37 PM - closure

 Today I finally got to cleaning. My rooms almost done, i just have to finish putting away clothes, but that means they have to finish being washed, and thats going to take a while. After my room though i have to move on to other areas of the town house that i have taken over. I just have too much shit, but thats not somthing to complain about. What i can complain about is space. I can not wait until we move, were hoping it will it happen before the next school year. Besides cleaning my room, I worked on that damn chair some. Now i am taking a break. I am so excited for summer. Im excited Since rose now lives in the complex next to mine, were probally going to hang out alot this summer, Then agin lately everything that i thought would happen never does. Only small things though, things that arn't important enough to remember. This weekend was good. 


Friday Encore awards were pretty fun. Richard was there even though he isn't in theater, or does not do plays or anything like that.. but it didn't matter anyone was welcome to be there. My aunt came as well. Becky  ofcorse. Vittoria Got best actress in her thing, Even if it is a popularity test, she still deserved it. I did not get one for my play, there were a lot of people in mine, But mai got it like i thought she would, hunter didnt get one either, but he really deserved it, in his one act, more then chad, hes the one who got it, and he only got it because hes more popular then hunter. Mai got hers for the same reason, i would have rathered anyone get it just because i knew mai was already going to get an award in the one act she was in other then mine, cause she deserved it in that one, she made that one act work, so for ours i just wished they gave someone else a chance. It was still fun, Everyone was all dressed up and it was cute . 


Vittoria's sleep over after encore awards was fun. We should have sleepovers with them more often. Lisa and jessica are fun. We got in the hot tub agin and i felt bad for lisa cause her boyfriend just broke up with her, like that night when she called him. She was sad, but it was still alright. We were in the hot tub for almost 2 hours. We lost track of time. When we did get out, we went upstairs, well we had to be sneaky so no one woke up.. you do not want to wake up vittorias mom. Then we got lots of chips and stuff to take back down into to basement, We were gonna watch a chic flick but Lisa had never seen sweeney todd before, But she was in the play that my school did on it last year. So we watched it, and I dont even remeber moving into the other room to sleep but thats where i woke up. We finished the movie that morning and then eventually went home. My dad and coach bill.. would not leave me alone about the damn soccer tournement, they really dont take no for an answer, but i did it. I actually held out agin and this time it was worse, I felt bad, Bill was basically begging, it was kinda sad. I just dont want to be the reason they lost or somthing, im just nto up to it, and i feel like the'll do better without me. Even if he did want me to play, it doesnt matter, because its always possible that i might screw up and i dont want to be the reason they didnt go to champions. My dad just doesn't get that and it makes me mad. He doesnt understand, the pressure that i put on myself even if no one else really cares, its somthing i really can not help.
I had a sleep over at richards house with hunter and rose late Saturday, BEfore i went to richards i went to Hunters for a little. I dont know whats wrong with me, saturday i was Oldly attracted to hunter more then usually, and i felt like i liked him so much more then a friend. I knew i had a crush on me, but its like im starting to feel like that silly girl with a crush, and whenever I get anywhere near him, I'm disfunctional.. Like puddy or something, i guess now i can't make fun of those silly girls that go on and on because here i am. This one part at hunters, I had to slap him for some reason or another, because he wanted me too ;O or i don't even remember because i was much more focused on the fact that he was pretty much on top of me. Like He got closer so i moved away, and i ended up almost lying down, until i gave in because my head was heavy so it was uncomfortable, so i out that on the ground too, and then my neck was reveled and flat, un hidden from my hair, and i just imagined hunter to close the little space we had, and kiss my neck, and that would be it. Then he would just get up casually like it was just friendly, although we both new it was a little more then just that, and then i felt awkward for having such the imagination so i think i had an uncomfortable expression on my face in reaction, because then hunter apologized for being creepy (even though I wanted him to be soo much "creepier" ;P ) But i don't want that not yet, and Hunter gets so close to my face sometimes!!! Its so tempting, Even though I don't want that yet, I am not ready for a relationship, as much as i miss someone being there to call at night, and i miss feeling like someone is waiting for me to call, or just someone is there. Just there, but then there are things That i don't want yet, i dont want to feel like i am stuck or anything, i just want to know what i want. A silly thing to want for.. maybe..But i must be patient. When we Got to Richards, we went and caught some Fireflys. Their endangered though, so i did not want to catch any, we let them out later of corse, i would have made them if they did not. We went on a walk to Walmart to get some Candles so we could Draw a circle, and on the way me and rose did our little talking, I have missed rose.. but i really did not want to hear one thing she siad. She has decided on who she likes better, Richard or hunter, I was just thinking Please let it be Richard please please, and it was indeed hunter. Of corse it was. Its not like a battle or anything, if hunter liked rose i would Be more then happy for them to go out, i would put my emotions aside for another time. Its just I do not want to hurt rose, If me and hunter go out. Its like i would not want her to know, but i would feel so bad for keeping that from her, being so good of friends. I Don't know what to do, i'm not going to worry about it to much. Not until i really have to.  


This site (justjournal.com) had been a really good blog site, but im changing sites after this. Being then end of the month, and the end of the school year. soo.. bye? 

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Thu, 28 May 2009

10:36 PM - shampoo

At last i got to use my usual shampoo again =) i missed it, probably more then i should have. My moms house had different stuff, and i ran out here. Reunited.

I was really hungry, i did not feel like eating, but i was getting shaky. I had a role at lunch today along with cheese sticks but apparently that was not enough to keep me satisfied until friday. So i made my yummy soup that i get. I dont know what its called, but it comes in a box , and all you do is pour it in a bowl and pop it in the microwave, its wonderful. Its also Vegitarian approved, and some of them are even Vegan. So their also super healthy, because its like super packed on nutrients. Although i will admit it doesnt look to appealing, I mean when it comes right out of the  box, it kind of resembles dog food, and yes that is gross. It doesn't really look that much better when it's ready, but it smells good, so its ok. 

I finished this book called "Need" today, it was ok. I got two books from the book store in atlee. It sucks because right now, both the library's are closed that are close by. The one library  which is in walking distance, ofcorse has to be the old library which is closing for good, because a new library is going to open. It looks wonderful! and it is right next to the school...however that doesn't compare since the old one was right down the street from me.  Then there is the school library but once the end of the year comes around, they stop letting you check out books. So the atlee library it was. 

Speaking of the end of the year.. its all feeling to routine, the feelings the emotions, the timing. What i mean is, year after year it always happens the same. The first day of school, were all curious and hopefull for who might be in whose class. Then its just the over all feeling of seeing everyone that your not close enough to, to see outside of school.. but your close enough to know that you miss them. Its all very exciting, but very agravating because once that week is over, your bored already of the new things of the new school year. At this time, even though your bored, your still content with how things are, because deep down, you know you did miss it. 

Then the middle of the year strikes. Now at this time, your getting a little fed up with seeing these people. Day after Day, and then your stressing because of grades, and being busy. School in general stresses people around this time. That and or, people are so tired of doing school work, so bored of doing everything the exact same every other day. So there tired, their frustrated and lose motovation. Thats when part to of the middle of the year happens! This is where it gets crazy. people walking down the halls are practically breathing fire. Everyones taken out the lazy, school stress act on eachother, because they can't take it, and the smallest thing will make you completly lose your mind! Madness, its madness!!! 

Then comes the resolution. to top it all off... to tie up those "lose ends" to come to a conclusion. people call down a little. After all the SOLs are over, so the end of the year is so close, you can almost smell it! you can smell it, because its summer. Then the vibe of the school changes, just like that. its not chaotic any more, but its calm, calm and excitement. to have both of those emotions at the same time is weird but it happens. Everyone, is feeling relieved, and ready for getting out. Then we think about everything that went down this year. Was it a good year? 

either way... its over now.  High school for the seniors is over. They wont be back next year. There faces wont be in the hallway, its sad. Friends, are going to start losing touch. Im afraid of that, Loseing touch with some of the people i have met. While there faces go, some more will come in, and so the cycle continues. For me, For my class, we are officially half way done. I am so mad at myself for wasting my freshman year. For doing nothing. For wasting the rest of my "youth". I am still youthful yes, but like i have been expressing myself all this year, i have gotten more mature. At lest i can say that i am proud of how this year went, i think i did everything i really could do, that i wanted to. Making up for last year isn't easy. I think i will take government over the summer, thats the plan any way, i need a history. I dont want to take two next year because i want to remain in theater. Next year i plan to get into ITS. I will have enough points by then. I think next year is going to be hard.. but i really have to do good if i want to get into college.. like every other slave to society. But i really think it will all be worth it. 

I just wish i knew what it was i want to do. What i can tolerate to do for the rest of me life. 

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Wed, 27 May 2009

11:59 PM - powerspace

I want a box around myself
So they can put me on the shelf
To see the way I live
But the holes are blocked
By everybody else inside
As far as I can tell
They're all living well
Living better, still
Oh, that's the way it is
Climbing up the corporate ladder
Trying to escape through the roof

Can you explain lives led in vain?
It seems like everybody's looking for their way out

It's not a problem, it's hell
We only do what people tell
But can you tell me, anyone
The consequences of setting someone free?

Can you explain lives led in vain?
It seems like everybody's looking for their way out

Have you ever felt the pinch
When you life's confined?
Well, get your ass in line
It's hard not to care what they say
I'd like to think we'll break away
I don't believe that growing up
Means cashing out and giving up

Can you explain lives led in vain?
It seems like everybody's looking for their way out

This box contains just one thing
The fact that I will probably never find a way

Can't you help me fade out?

powerspace-choose your own adventure

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11:34 PM - dreaming a lot lately

 Last night I slept good. I didn't feel asleep, but i new i didn't want to wake up . 


It started in a room with nothing and then slowly i could see everything a little clearer and i could make out faces, i could make out shapes. There was a couch, and there was sam. He ignored the couch and sat on the floor in front of it. He just sat there, and i finally gave into myself. I caved. I went over to where he was looking all torn and then aginst every last bit of will power i had.. i reached out to him. I knew that if i did, i would probably make everything worse, but for some reason i couldn't hold out any more. When i knew that it would all just result in a bad confusing mess. But i still reached and then i sat down next to him, and he either pulled me closer, or he moved i'm not sure but it went from a simple gesture, to hugging close, and then kissing. This was painful, not because i was kissing him. IT was painful because this was in no way fair to him, he (in my dream) was getting somthing out of that kiss that i knew i was not, but i didnt stop because i liked kissing. It hurt because i was being so wrong. And i couldn't stand seeing myself so selfish, thats when i woke up. 


Hunter and tiffany where there, but only in mist. they moved farther away from one end of my room to the other were the dissolved through the wall... not cool. I wanted to be with them, i wanted to understand where they had gone, so i got up and tried to do what they did.. how ridiculous? It worked and then just like that, i was not in my room, i wasn't even on the same planet as i once was, or maybe i was just seeing it a new way, and i was in the exact same place. As if it made a difference. I was in aw. IT was like discovering that the world of fairies and trolls existed, however instead of sparkles it was pale, and grey, perhaps it was just night time. There he was, a little man? He looked like something you would find in the shadow of a fairy tale, and i am not sure there's any other way i could describe him. He was not my friend, and he was dusty, like the rest of this world. Why had they picked here of all places to lead me? I battled the stupid thing, but nothing phased it, instincts told me not to let it get a hold of me. I knew i would explode if it touched me. To my rescue hunter and tiffany appeared, and they were well dressed, i felt so out of place. They told me to grab the dust that flew from him, when i hit him. I did. They motioned for me to throw it on my face, without questioning them i did. and then the little man, stopped and pouted back to his corner. They didn't waste time for small talk, and i could tell this was not the time nor place, so i ran with them until they got to where they were going, and it was like there little hide out, it wasn't a home, because it wasn't cozy, just a hide out. They loaded some weapons, and showed me around, and thats when i woke up. that time i really woke up. 

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