8:27 PM - My pass time
Where is My positivity, my hopefull happy veiw on life? Why does it have to be such a challenge to keep? Like i dont understand it why do we have to work to be happy, when we should have to work for sadness, if that makes sense? I went home for a little, because i think i had like a mini break down. I almost cried. ALmost. Sam called me, again while i was at my house, I didnt want to answer, but that was twice he called me, so i figured i should, He told me that he deleted his blog and it had nothing to do with me and it was for the best, like hell it was, since when does what best even matter ? No one takes consideration of whats best.
And the whole reason of his blog started with me, He kept it on there because i wanted him to, and then Isnt it convienent that after i post about how difficult it is for me to read his blogs he deletes it? I just find it hard to believe it did not have anything to do with me but he kept trying to make that clear, all i siad was ok. The whole time, was just.. mk. k . sure. I wish i could have siad more.
From my free time, i try to convince myself im happy, what am i complaining about, but then i think if i was happy why would i even think about thinking im happy? ISnt that already a form of questioning my state ? Here i am overthinking, just as a pass time. I wish i new what i needed to do, or what to do, i need somone to understand with me, and not find me as a horrible person, i feel like i am, like i just have to go and Completely Murder every good thing that trys to happen in my life, and then i feel like im just letting people down, because i probably am.
I should mention that hunter kissed me. I kissed him back too, I dont know what i think. BAsically what I have already siad, that i dont know, I want someone in the same situation Or was in the same place, who feels how i do, who i can talk to and connect with just because its nice to know someone else understands. HOw can anyone help me if they dont know whats wrong? If i dont even know whats wrong? I looked at my horoscope today and it siad that i should talk to friends about my troubles because they can help. The closest person to understaning would be vittoria because shes had her share of boy issues, but because she reads this, and maybe this makes more sense then i think, maybe theres an obvious outlit to whats happening. I dont want to Talk to hunter, because hes involved. Theres vittoria.
But Shes makeing new friends, like Jaysens group, and then Eryn. Like there all much happier, and silly then me, I dont want to feel like im competeing and i know im Her bff, because we have been bff's for a long time. I just wish i could be like her other friends a little too.
I am not myself see, usually i would not even consider something like that because im so happy with who i am, Even if i am not happy. My personality Is down, just like the res of me, i cant stand my emotions going back and forwth, like I would rather just have one emotion, all the time and go from there, not One day be soo happy, and the next be wishing i was someone else. Its messed up. I Wish i was dreaming, because i never to limit myself when i am dreaming, but i always limit myself when im awake. Im afriad of failing, and then i just limit myself in other ways, with what i say and how i act, but i have to because if i went around doing everything i wanted too.. well then there would be chaos everywhere, so thats not such a bad thing, its only bad with certain things.
I sam still going to read my blog? ? With his gone, maybe he had the same issue as me, and it didnt help him to be seeing what i was up to, i am a hard person to follow, either that or he has no interest in my life any more, and that could be very possible to. Either way i would like to know if he is, So i guess if he does not comment This then i know. Knowing is better. This is my past time of being here, god i hope my computer at home is not fried from lightning or something? Did i turn it off?
Im probably makeing everything worse for myself, when i went home for a little, during my break down, i had nothing to do while my laundry was going, so i read my old journal, the one thats actually written down, IT was this time last summer, till the end of summer. Summer. Was it as care free as it seems? Or has everything really been difficult its just how i chose to look at things. Thats all any emotion is isnt it? a perspective, on how you take things, How you see whats going on .
I read about how sam would come over in the mornings, before and i remembered how pissy allison would be, How her silly reasoning for things made me a little more light hearted, and i laughed at how simply i put things, i rushed through things because i had to write them down and it would hurt my hands after a while, there was no detail, and i come and look at these where i feel like if i read them in the future, it will be like re liveing, This time of my life. Every page, and Entry should be like that . I wish i had this though were there was more detail because there was not enough, But there was a little, to wear i can remember what i did, but not enough to know exactly what i was feeling. It was not that long ago, but it feels like it was, like it was.
Im excited for when we move into our house, we can bring yellow kitty, and i can pain my room, and i can have space. I can hopefully feel refreshed, i mean when im at the town house.. I think of sam more, because i feel like hes going to be outside, i keep thinkning, and pictureing all these things that would never happen, but i think they do, until i realize that it only happened in my head, And like i already siad i dont even want to type about them because im ashamed and if i talk about them it will only make me think of my situation worse.
So this is what it leads to me ranting about things that no one cares about, however i think i have run out, i mean i am the type of person who could keep dragging on the same thing if i really wanted to just re phaseing things that all come down to meaning the same thing. However i dont want to do that, I guess im out of my pass time.. Is it pathetic that lately i just feel like running? Like thats my only outlit for anything, but.. then i feel weird because people always seem to be in my way, by looking at me and then i feel awkward. ugh here i go on my pointless ranting. Thank you vittoria for that sketch book! haha
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