7:02 PM - sick of feeling.
I understand, Why im so confused, why im filled with negative and positive feelings, because i realized this yesterday I was so happy and confident and It felt like me and hunter were already a couple, but then i read sams blog. Why do i do that to myself? IT only makes me upset to see what he has to say. Why could i have not been content with what i had, When it was so perfect it was scary, i did have issues with sam being with in only one perspective all the time, with him being close minded, but He loved me, shouldnt that be enough. Is there going to be something, better, i dont know if i will ever be that comfortable with someone, but it was just too soon, im to young to be in something like that. I still am un happy with myself, for not being able to be content, and i am so clearly not over with sam. I cant be content knowing that hes doing drugs, i mean thats all he has to look up for. Pathetic. No shit he has a problem, and i hope he has not done ectasy, because it can be addictive. Just like anything else can be, things dont need some chemical to be addictive, you can mentaly be addicted to something, to a feeling even. Scary.
I did not think i let myself get that close to sam, i thought i kept to myself enough, but i really didnt, i hate that i have only realized this now. I really think i loved him.. Im so attached and i cant seem to just let him go, I still read his blog i need to, its like my own addiction, then again i Have to post my own, and i liek to read vittorias and hunters too, but sams hits me the worst. Sometimes i am a bad michelle, and i imagine, if i just went back with sam, just so he could love me, and i would like him enough, that i could make him happy, and maybe he wouldnt do drugs anymore, and he would be my friend, But i dont know if i could be happy, only knowing that samm is all i have really felt for, i cant know what i want if i have not found out what i dont want. What do i have to compare that too, when im with hunter, its like.. WHy are we not going out yet? It feels like we are? I liked feeling like a couple with him, i liked it alot.. But i get home and i let sam get to me, SO thats when i realized how sudden that changed my emotion, I dont think i am over sam yet, because i still wonder..
I'm stuck in between, feeling like i need him, and feeling like i dont want him, i can't decide if i would rather be content with him, or rather not feel anything for him at all, If i could possibly pick one or the other would i ? Maybe i like being here, even if i am so confused, I feel like i need to pick either one i dont like the middle, and i hate this because i want to be with hunter, but i can not do that until Im so done with sam, because all the emotions at once are too much for me, it leaves me feeling explosive, like i need to cry not because im sad, not because im happy, but because i want to be rid of to much emotion, im not used to this. I dont want hunter, to BE just waiting for me either, I wish he liked some one else. I wish sam did too, so i could just.. I dont know figure this out. BUt i dont even know what im figureing out. I don't think it is fair to hunter because he has to keep waiting for me, i want him to be open to other people, if he is not with me officially if he wants, i dont want to make him, like un avalible. I have to though, well i have to wait to see what i want, i thought i would be REady by AMA but i dont think i will be, maybe i will, my emotions go up and down, like what am i to do other then try to take time and clear my mind.
Why cant i let this go?
Why couldn't i be content with what was?
I did not think i let myself get that close to sam, i thought i kept to myself enough, but i really didnt, i hate that i have only realized this now. I really think i loved him.. Im so attached and i cant seem to just let him go, I still read his blog i need to, its like my own addiction, then again i Have to post my own, and i liek to read vittorias and hunters too, but sams hits me the worst. Sometimes i am a bad michelle, and i imagine, if i just went back with sam, just so he could love me, and i would like him enough, that i could make him happy, and maybe he wouldnt do drugs anymore, and he would be my friend, But i dont know if i could be happy, only knowing that samm is all i have really felt for, i cant know what i want if i have not found out what i dont want. What do i have to compare that too, when im with hunter, its like.. WHy are we not going out yet? It feels like we are? I liked feeling like a couple with him, i liked it alot.. But i get home and i let sam get to me, SO thats when i realized how sudden that changed my emotion, I dont think i am over sam yet, because i still wonder..
I'm stuck in between, feeling like i need him, and feeling like i dont want him, i can't decide if i would rather be content with him, or rather not feel anything for him at all, If i could possibly pick one or the other would i ? Maybe i like being here, even if i am so confused, I feel like i need to pick either one i dont like the middle, and i hate this because i want to be with hunter, but i can not do that until Im so done with sam, because all the emotions at once are too much for me, it leaves me feeling explosive, like i need to cry not because im sad, not because im happy, but because i want to be rid of to much emotion, im not used to this. I dont want hunter, to BE just waiting for me either, I wish he liked some one else. I wish sam did too, so i could just.. I dont know figure this out. BUt i dont even know what im figureing out. I don't think it is fair to hunter because he has to keep waiting for me, i want him to be open to other people, if he is not with me officially if he wants, i dont want to make him, like un avalible. I have to though, well i have to wait to see what i want, i thought i would be REady by AMA but i dont think i will be, maybe i will, my emotions go up and down, like what am i to do other then try to take time and clear my mind.
Why cant i let this go?
Why couldn't i be content with what was?
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