1:30 PM - seriously? I think im a wreck.
I dont know what i want, and i hate this more then anything. I feel alot of pressure from hunter and i dont like that. Like for me to make choices, or tell people how i feel about him, but its like sometimes i dont know how i feel, and when i say i dont know i really mean it. I cant explain it, or anything im feeling, i thought i got rid of sam from my dreaming but i had one last night and i realized he called me this morning, i was all happy too.. like oh my god sam called me. I dont like that, it could have been one of his friends, or maybe he was high or something, or maybe he called to make fun of me, like jeremy did.. why cant they leave me alone, im not happy, im confused, and i think im freeking out, i want to go home, where i can just clean my room, and try to feel better, i want space from people. I want to go home, and pretend like everythings ok, Jesus, why did i let myself get so attacthed for sam, and why couldnt i see how much i did feel about him when i had him. I mean i dont regret what i did, ido think i need time, i mean this is messing me up, I dont want to be honest about whats going through my head, as i pretend, because honestly i dont want to face that, to believe it. I hate to hurt hunter, but what else can i do ? I am so not ready for anything, and im going to stick with being alone for a long time, i cant deal with haveing anyone there, because this is how i am, im a wreck and im confuseing i go from happy, to not wanting them at all. I cant do this, its not fair to anyone, why Does he have to like me? I wish he liked rose enough, since she likes him, and they could be happy and it would be so easy, and maybe he only thinks he likes me.
I want to go home, i want to put all my clothes away, and get ready for AMA i want to watch videos o n my computer, and i want to be away from All of them here. They make me mad, there like jeremy, i dont even know why im letting people get to me, thats not me. Lately I have been so confused, and so far from acting like myself, im not thinking, im not feeling right. I want to go home. My mom wont take me until tuesday and she does not get it. Its not fair. Im old enough to be on my own for two days and technically one since i want to have a sleep over with lizz and rose. Its not like Sams going to come over, because it would be more likely that I got hit by a helicoptor. Why did he call me? He deleted his blog. I think it wont come back this time, because i siad i did not want to read it. I do want to .. i just shouldnt. MAybe this is good. I can take a break from him completly.. except in my dreams and i need space there too. I actually had three dreams, and the two of them were awsome, in the third one
I was a little boy, and i was hideing from this man in the doorway killing all the people there, i didnt know his purpose or why he was doing this but apparently he could not see me. He found me eventually, and when he want to shoot me, it was like i could put things in slow motion, and i caught his bullet, and then i looked up and time un froze and he was amazed, then i tolded him what i discovered and he throw glass at me, i choopped alll the peices in half, it was fun.
My 1st dream was cool too, Hunter was in this one, and so was vittoria . and a few other extreme people. We would go into old places, Oh but before that there was two random boys who were little but they like .. new how to get it on. And they were gay. Anyways that faded, into me and the others, and we would go into old places, with spirites that had been abonded, or just places, and we would close the door, and suddenly we were in that place, but in a different dimension . Where we could see the super natural. But there would also be what was of the place and we would get free things, ONe place we all had to ride out of, its like riding into a circle of light i had no where to go so i rode with vittoria but when we went through the circle Her bike split into two, of the exact same bike.. so then we were each rdeing one and i didnt share one with her anymore.
3rd dream was with Sam mostly anyways, i cant remember much of it but it was like we were friends, and he went with me to this movie thing, that was just like the boys from the fair i went to. We just talked and did whatever the whole time, i could still remember though how we were, but i didnt bring it up because i liked what was happenening, maybe he was doing that too.
I dont know what im doing, i dont know where im going, I want to be at home .