Thursday. The weekend is zooming near and so is my birthday. Two of the 'usual suspects' came out of the woodwork today.In fact you could say all 4. Most prominent was S. Had a text saying sorry how she had had to vanish, blah blah. I gave her stick of course! She asked about b'day plans and promised to text again very soon... Late afternon i finally got texts from A. It was like a blocked dam. Once she started chatting, I received loads. Been real busy and stressed it seems. Well how dare she this close to my bday! They are the two usual suspects, but to round the day off I had e-mails from J and a text later this eveing from E. So there you go, communication from the big 4, the only 4, the 4 who control my life, whether they realise it or not. So they all spoke today but Sunday is the big test!
Skittles AGM tonight. It went pretty well. No major issues or squabbles anywhere. Any of the points we believed were contentious were discussed and resolved. Hooray! I captain next year. Should be ok. Interesting maybe, but ok.

Well I got one of the girlie answers - J had forgotten it was my birthday this week. She e-mailed about watching some rugby on Sunday and when I replied that I could think of worse things to do on my birthday, she was like, Its your b'day Sunday?!!! I forgot! I didn't make her feel bad tho - whats the point. Nice day weather wise again. Tonight I drove to town, took a long walk across the ham and sat and read my book on a bench by the weir, evening sun on my face. Very pleasant, I'm def going to make a habit of doing that this spring/summer. I phoned my dad on the mobile as i walked across the ham. Fantastic stuff modern technology, to be standing in a 100's of acre field and chat by phone... who'd have thought it just 15 years ago. After I had a pint in the Plough, picked up a chinese and came home in time for The Apprentice. And E initiated a chatty text exchange while the prog was on. A pretty good evening all round then. On the downside, A must be having - lets be very un pc and male here - a "week off", any e-mails at work were short and monosyllabic. That really bugs me, sure we are supposed to be working but it doesn't take long to answer things properly. Its irritating and very difficult to hold a conversation with someone who doesn't give you anything to go on. And I received no texts this afternoon or evening. I sent one at 7 ish and no reply. Maybe she's just busy, at work and home, but she usually always replies. She said she's got me a card, proof of the pudding will be if it arrives by post or if she makes a personal visit. She knows I would love a personal visit but then she is very much a Mrs Bucket and will perceive that sending it by post is the proper thing to do. Still. Ever think i think too much?!

E came over for a couple of hours tonight, brought a few dvds back she'd borrowed and watched some tv with me. It was nice and v comfortable, no awkwardness. She even wore my slippers without asking, which I thought was very um... comfortable. Bit sad now she's gone though. I know we were over, gone as far as we were going to and all that but even so, her not being here has left a huge hole in my life and I do still miss her. I've just text her and said nice to see her etc. Said that I'm sure we'll go to the pub on Saturday for my birthday and she is welcome to come if free. Wonder how she will reply. Not much else to report apart from this. Weather was nice today. I read out in the sun at lunchtime again and tonight, in the brief time I had between dinner and E's arrival I went for a walk up the level crossing lane. Lovely evening, loads of lambs out there still.

A dreary day at work. I think its going to dag as I'm a countdown to my birthday, but then heavens knows why.Thinking about it this afternoon started to really depress me. Of course I dont want to work on my birthday, but it being a Sunday I have a feeling I could quite easily spend it alone and without speaking to anyone and that is a sad thought. I'm certain I could invite myself places and I'm sure people will be available to speak with but the closer I get to Sunday I think about E and A and S and even J. I'll be gutted if I dont hear from any or all of them. In fact knowing how I am, I will build so much pressure on how important it is to me to speak with those people on the day, that it will blow out of all proportion and lead God knows where. A, S and J have their own worlds to worry about but I have to believe that on my birthday I'll be worth at least a 30 second, 10 p thought. Wont I? I'm sure I'll hear from E, but again I'll be really upset if I dont. And this thoughts are swirling round in my head with 5 days to go... Went to town tonight and played snooker with P and P. I won the first game only. Was ok, bit of a laugh.

Did my dum-ass petrol trick again today - that is managed to run out on the motorway on the way to Cheltenham! Car started to judder about a mile from the exit and slowed and slowed until I had to pull on to the hard shoulder and coast to a halt. Before i gave up i turned the car over half a dozen times and miraculously it finally went. Not only that but I got enough petrol fumes to get me all the way to Sainsburys! Phew! Not sure why I bothered, I wandered round the town with all sorts of ideas and good intentions of things to spend money on but the only thing I bought was a MacDonalds! My main reason for leaving the house was to indulge in a Starbucks with my book, but I didn't even do that. The queue was quite long for starters and I was overcome with that thought I often get when about to join the end - two and a half quid for a cup of coffee? Lets have one at home for a few pence. so home I went!
My dad called me on my mobile while I was in town. Invited me out to a quiz with him and H on Friday. Was I free? Did I fancy it? Thought he was about to invite me to something really exciting for my birthday, but I guess not! Still, I said yes as I dont have anything better to do and I do like a quiz. Popped to S and R's late afternoon. Everyone ok.
Tonight P and I went and had a game of snooker, which beats sitting around in front of the TV.
Didnt hear from Y but I'm sure she is ok as her Bebo page has changed so she's still out there safe and well! Heard from A a couple of times which is always a bonus on a Sunday. One reason to look forward to going back to work tomorrow, to hear how her week away went. I have def missed her. E has left and S vanished, I really couldn't bear to lose A.

Had a disturbing Bebo e-mail from Y this morning. The fact that it was long, rambling and error strewn only increased its impact. In short she was really unhapppy and suggested all sorts of bad thoughts. The nearest thing I've ever seen to a suicide note! Once again I replied the best I could, but what do I know, what can I say to make things better. The other month when she was saying similar things, A said I shouldn't get involved, but how can you stand by when someone is as desperately unhappy as they seem to be? Anyway, I had more late afternoon so it seems that at least she is still alive! Took E's bike to her house today. She is away for the weekend - I knew she was - but her mum was there so I had a cup of coffee with her which was nice. A very good person is E's mother. Did sod all the rest of the day and evening, popped to the shops on the way home and settled into listen to the rugby on the radio - and promptly fell asleep about half way thru the game! Of course, now its 10.20 and I'm feeling fully awake!

Friday, hooray. S-A had the afternoon off and altho it seemed that K, Y and I didn't do much, it still dragged terribly.
But at least A was back today. Finally had a text from her at 7 ish. Sounds like they had a fantastic time.
Skittles cup semi tonight v's Cosmos. Sadly, it was over almost as soon as it began. Our first 3 were awful and were 59 down at one point! We pulled a little respectability out of it - well we lost by 51 still, but you could argue the last 3/4 of the game were fairly even! I had 46, 3rd highest score so happy with that.

Another dull, eventful day. Still nothing from A, but I did have a facebook poke from S. I poked back, but if she is able to do that, why not drop me a text? She can easily say "dont reply at x o'clock etc". Oh well.
Met E at lunchtime, had a coffee at Starbies. All seemed a bit rushed. I suppose it was good to see her, to catch up but I dunno, after this long its probably time to start easing off, you know moving on maybe...
Skittles tonight, last game of regular season, we won 8-2, I was dropped, bah!

Not much to report today - and I'm not going to say much anyway coz my power lead is buggered. I've bought a new one on e-bay (38 quid!) but until I get it, I have about an hours worth of battery left! Went docs this morning, not a lot of point really, just said not going swimming is a good idea and prescrbed me some stronger cream. Its steroid based again and apparently steroid creams thin your skin if you over use them. So thats a bit worrying. Swapped a few e-mails with E today, she's had a few days off, still nothing from A tho. Hopefully thats coz she's having a really good holiday. To be fair, I think she would have sent a text or 2 if she could, so probably has no signal etc. Still back Friday, so thats good.

Reasonable day at work. Weather was odd, I sat outside on a wall at lunchtime and read my book, a hot sun on my face. But from mid-afternoon onwards it poured with rain. Spoke with P yesterday and as I am going to give swimming a miss for a few weeks due to my scabbiness (I have to think that cacky chemical water isn't helping) I asked him if he wants to sell his old racing bike. He wanted 100 quid which is ok. Actually he said 85 but I said I'd give him 100 if he maintains it for a year - like a years warranty. Meant it mostly as a joke but he said ok then, deal. That's ok tho, its a decent bike so I'm happy to pay a hundred. Anyway, the reason I mention this here is because at lunchtime with the sun shining I thought ooh I could go and do a few miles tonight. But it rained. And Paul hasn't put the wheels back on it yet anyway! So instead tonight I pottered a bit and then had a long bath watching Field of Dreams on here. The bit near the end where Terrance Mann does his "They will come Ray.." bit, I had tears streaming down my face. Apart from that fact that it is sad, I remember P and I were watching it at theirs the night E and I started going out. When she text me at 11 pm with that immortal text: "I don't want to be on my own tonight. Can I spend it with you?" And she did. And continued to do so nearly for the next 5 years. So the thought of that made me sad too. See this is one of those break-up things I can never fathom out. I mean when you have a happy shared experience or memory, what do you do with it when you split up? Its hard to keep it as a happy memory, because it always brings thoughts flooding back. And what used to be a "Ooh it was great when we..." suddenly becomes a "thinking about that only brings me pain now". Biggest example is USA 2006. Without doubt it was the trip of a lifetime, but looking at the pics is painful. The cliche is that time heals the/those wounds but then that takes the edge, the gloss of the things, it doesn't become a happy memory again, it just becomes something that happened in a previous life. In a way I thought watching it tonight would exorcise a ghost. Particularly after Saurday's succesful quiz I've felt quite strong, you know emotionally. I joked with J last week to not be surprised if she got one of my infamous texts late on Saturday, but she didn't coz I was fine. Talking of texts. Nothing from A today and I also e-mailed E at work but had no reply. As its half term I would imagine she has taken a few days off. Sad not to hear a thing from either of them for two days tho. And weirdly unusual. Unique in the past 5 years probably!

Got up late today as tried to get a docs appointment about my rashes. Fat chance. Nothing until Weds morning. Quite a good day at work today, plenty to do but quiet as far as distractions and being bothered by the irritating people goes. Also with A away in France, J not working on Monday and E, well you know, I didn't have one "friendly" e-mail. That must be a first. One day wasn't too bad because as I said I was fairly busy but I def wouldn't want that scenario to be a permanent fact of life! Talking of e-mails I had a few scary one's from Y again. The way she says she feels sometimes and what she might do is v worrying. Like before, I tried to say the right things, but hey what do I know. She said she'd e-mail me some more to home tonight. But she hasn't.
Tonight went out and played snooker with P and P. M and T there briefly too. As above, was weird to be out all night with no texts to swap with A. She said she'd text from France if/when. And she offered I didn't ask. But altho it would be nice to hear from her - more than nice, every one I receive always brightens up that moment - I really don't expect to receive any. Hey its only 4 or 5 days and she's on a super holiday. She really shouldn't be sparing a thought for me.

Didn't write an entry yesterday, naughty me! But Saturday I got up late and went into town to watch the Glos game on TV in the Anchor. Cracking game it was too. Glos beat Saracens 39-15 with 6 good tries. Didn't overly enjoy the game tho as I dont know why because I again only had maybe 5 drinks on Friday night but I felt really rough as I sat there. So much so that not long after half time I went into the toilets and threw up! After the game I came home and went to bed and thankfully felt a bit better by 6ish when I had to go and see E as we were doing the BCC quiz together. It went well I thought. Hadn't seen her family and the other regulars for 2 months but a handful of people made welcoming comments, which was nice to hear. Today was fairly uneventful, got up just as late as yesterday - half my weekend spent in bed, not exactly living the high life is it! Went to R's this afternoon and stayed for dinner which was nice. Didn't do a lot else, left there at 7 and festered in front of the tv until bed time. Going in to work late tomorrow as I'm going to make another docs appointment about my rashes. Easy for them to say its "just" eczema but I have loads of it now and the itchiness of it is driving me crazy!

Thank God its Friday. Dunno why, but its felt like a long tiring week. Only bad thing of course is that A goes on holiday for a week tomorrow. She asked today if her phone is likely to let her send a text from France. I hope so, I do miss her when she is RS as we call it.
Had skittles tonight. We lost. Was a dull night. Glad to be home knowing that I can stay up as late as I like and better still I can get up as late as I like! And I can assure you, I wont be getting up very early!

Something else to feel bad about: I had a bit of a tidy up in the living room, tidying up the junk beneath the coffee table and in the magazine rack. So thats general junk not items specifically of E's. Among the stuff were a couple of old Valentine's cards from me to her, I put them in the "throw out" pile. Didn't really think twice about it, I definitely didn't do it out of any sense of malice or bitterness. anyway, I mentioned it to E today and she wasn't happy about it. I said sorry and I would fish them out when I got home - only the bin gets emptied today so they've gone. I text her to tell her and say sorry and she replied that she's quite upset she really would have wanted to keep them. Sure I could be harsh and say "well you shouldn't have left them" and maybe I could gloat a bit that she should want them. But I don't feel either of those things. I just feel very sad about it. i wish I hadn't thrown them away, I feel terrible about it. Pain pain pain is never a stranger to me.

Felt tired all day today, maybe it was that non heard swimming mile yesterday! Apart from that, bit of a nothing day today, work fairly dull and uneventful. Although one thing, we all got on well for a change, even had some jolly banter! Tonight wasn't any more exciting, watched some TV and went and did some food shopping at Morissons.

Know that old saying "if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it really make a sound...?"? Well I managed 65 lengths at swimming tonight. So that's the mile done. And although P came swimming (in his own car due to a mix up) he had got out, got changed and gone before I got out, so even he wasn't there to tell. So, to make my point: If you swim a mile but you have no one to share the news with, did you really do it? Anyway, I did and I text E to tell her and she replied Nice one. Which was instant if not exactly lengthy! Funny how little things make you miss people. I wish she had been here when I got home so I could have boasted of my little achievement and accept her praise in return. But all I got was a two word text and a cold empty house. that's how life is now. But hey ho, I'm proud of my little achievement, a mile may not be immensly athetlic but I bet not many people can do it. anyway enough about swimming. I also saw E at lunchtime. We are doing the quiz together on Saturday and as her wrk is quiet with it being school holidays she invited me over at lunchtime for a chat and a "tactic talk" about the quiz. Was very pleasant actually, we had a catch-up with news and a bitch and a laugh. It's nice to be able to get on. Wonder how long we will do this for? Until one of us - well she - gets a new partner I guess! And with that sobering though, its time for bed, my legs ache!

Uneventful day. Went to Homebase at lunchtime and finally bought my fire backing board thing. Also bought a nice dragon tree. Was a bargain and looks really cool in place of the fire. Went town and the YM tonight and played snooker. Only P and T out.

Uneventful day. Got up very late and did some houseworks. Later drove to Evesham, trying to get a fireplace back board things. Typically they had loads in Homebase in Cheltenham yesterday but none in Evesham! After, I had a nice long Costa mocha and read my book before walking along the river front, both sides, for a couple of miles. Spent rest of evening sitting in front of TV, good move as we had another little snow flurry! Another full week of work coming up..

Quiet day today, got up very late and pottered about. Biked into town late afternoon with P and P to watch the Glos rugby game at the YM. They lost 16-3. Weren't the best team and hard to argue with losing - but they had the chances to win and just didn't take them. Went to Wheatpieces after for something to eat.

We all got taken out for lunch from work today. Lovely hot buffet at the house in the tree. I ate sooo much! And then we had pudding. I was well stuffed. as I said in an afternoon e-mail tp E, it was like the day in Reno when we went to an all you can eat and felt sooo bloated after! Had a lovely treat tonight, A popped by to pick up a couple of things and brought her E with. She is so cute and sweet and such a bundle of energy, scampering all over the place and clambering all over me! In fact she must be special to manage to distract my attention away from A!!