Not much going on today. A dull working day after the excitement of stock checking! A was a bit snotty coz I didn't text her while E was here last night. Of course I didn't say it was coz E was here coz then she'd have given me grief about that! So instead I had to let her think I couldn't be bothered or something. Really, as if. She should know by now that speaking with her is often the only thing that gets me through the day. She does know that doesn't she? Well she bliming should do! I do tell her! Skittles tonight, yet again. We lost by one sodding pin and I had only 53, ny lowest for a while. Oh well, we only really care about the cup this season now.

Quiet day, stock check just about all done. E came round tonight, the plan was to have a takeaway curry and catch up on some progs I'd recorded for her. Went mostly to plan except she left at about 8.40 as like me she has a snotty cold and wanted to get an early (ok very early!) night. Still, was nice to see her and she did buy the curry. she also brought me some cakes and eggs from her mum. Bless her. I should ring and say thanks and hello but I still feel, dunno, awkward? Felt weird having E sitting on sofa next to me, felt unnatural. She's been gone 8 weeks and although I feel like I miss her, I'm still not sure if its actually her I miss or just someone being there...

Stocktaking at work today. Always boring but it went surprisingly okay, apart from the fact that just like last year I was the only office person deemed worthy to take part! I get bored and dirty while they sit there filing their nails! Only good thing about it all was that A had the day off which meant that rather than her be at her computer screen and me not, we were both able to have our mobiles to hand so I received a handful of texts from her to keep me going. Worked about 45 mins extra and then went to the pub as a few of the other guys were. Never say no to a bought pint I say! Didn't get home until after 7 and rushed some tea quickly before going swimming. But like 2 weeks ago I struggled. I did 40 lengths in total which 10 weeks ago I wouldn't have got anywere near but still a bit disappointing after last weeks 54. I think the secret is that even if I don't feeling particularly up for it, I must make sure I go and put the effort in, clearly a hard 40 is better than sitting here!

Rock n roll: what a difference 5 days makes in the world of skittles. Another cup quarter final tonight, this time against good opposition in the front pin cup and we kicked some serious arse. Well we won by 27, not huge but we were never behind. I had 54, a pretty good score. Cold just about gone, not that it made work any more enjoyable. A has the day off tomorrow, so that'll be dull for me.

Went to watch J and C's son play in his rugby county cup quarter final today, but sadly they gave away a soft, intercepted late try to lose 19-16. The game was fairly evenly matched but they did enough to win and were expected to before the start. Guess I was a bit of a jinx! At least the weather was good after yesterday, clear and sunny (altho not exactly back hot). We had a couple of drinks in the club house afterwards which was nice. It was so pleasant that after I got home I went for a stroll, only about 3.5 miles but good to get some fresh air and exercise. Didn't do much else the rest of the day, some ironing in front of Gavin and Stacey on the TV was about the highlight.

JRs birthday today, I couldn't get out of bed too early tho as my stinking cold wouldn't let me. Went round for cake etc at lunchtime and everyone already there, including E and P! E chatted of course, but P didn't give so much as an hello. Not sure what I expected really. Should she speak? Is there any reason why she shouldn't be there? Is it just me being overly sensitive? Tonight we went bowling and for a carvery meal. Great big plate of meat and veg, yummy! Seeing as how its almost April and the clocks go forward tonight, the weather was awful today, rained almost non-stop and was cold and grey. Rol on summer

My bad throat from last week suddenly came to something, woke up to a cold and felt worse and worse as the day went on. Which made Friday with the irritating one and the fruitcakey one even more fun! JR's birthday tomorrow so we all went to the pub for something to eat tonight and S paid which was jolly decent. Brought my watery eyes and runny nose back home again as soon as I could. A weekend staying in the warm looks on the cards!

Thinking today about regrets. Could I list my top 5? But then how do you categorise a regret? How do you distinguish between a "should have done" and "wish I had" and even "I shouldn't have..". I think in this context, the regrets have to be "shouldn't have done's" - so how about, 1. shouldn't have ignored my mums problems. Could I have saved her life? 2. Shouldn't have neglected school work when 16, 17, 18. 3. Shouldn't have stayed at G4 all those years. 4. I shouldn't have married C when I did. I don't think I can look back and say I shouldn't have, coz I'm sure I loved her etc etc just why rush to get married at 24 and 21. Bit silly that. 5. I shouldn't have got involved with K, i.e. cheated on P. Not just from the purely "that was morally wrong" angle, but from the "it was a silly thing to do" perspective. I'm not even saying P was The One, maybe she was, but she was the easist one, the one I coulda/shoulda. And to blow that was a big mistake. But then if she wasn't IT, then who was? S thinks she is, I dunno, I don't think so, not really. Can someone who never really was be considered? Hmmm... A thought for another day. So, all these 5 have made me what I am today and changing them would have changed a lot I think. But that's life!
But to more mundane matters, car back at garage today to re-mend my water leak. thankfully it was a simple plug and they didn't charge me.
Skittles tonight and we got whopped ten nil against the YM's. Bad for the team but at least I shone again. 65 for the second consecutive game and 2nd highest score on the team. Just as well we were getting thrashed as once again the 'who plays' shennanigans overshadowed the game. A lot to talk about at this years AGM it seems! Had a couple of texts from J while at skittles, first asked if I was dead! Bit odd seeing as how we don't usually chat in the evenings! Friday tomorrow, thank God. Tired and in need of a few days rest. But then I say this every night and that doesn's stop me sitting here looking at this screen until after midnight day after day!

Naff day at work, Y was sour faced and snappy, which I thought charming after all the shoulder I have given her recently. Went into town at lunchtime and felt so shitty that when I saw my dad in the distance I couldn't be bothered to call across to him and speak and he didn't see me. I told A about it when I got back to work and asked "How horrible a person am I?" and what did she say? "You don't have to speak if you don't want to..." I said "But I should want to!" Sometimes her refusal to see any bad in me grates! Skittles tonight, we won comfortably to secure a quarter final spot. Makes up a bit for last weeks poor result. I played back 4, played ok, had a spare early on when the game was still tight.

Hard getting up this morning after 4 lie-ins. Was okayish once there. Had a stream of e-mails from E, was very chatty. Only small talk but you know, pleasant enough. Swimming tonight. After last weeks struggle, I pushed my total out to 54, including a 14! Furthest I've ever swum without stopping and in total - 350m and 1350m if we're counting. And we are counting because I set a target 6-7 weeks ago to do a mile before the end of April. So I've got to increase by just ten now and I have 4 swims to do it in. Tonight was tough but with plenty of effort and determination I might just manage it!

Can you have too many memories in your head? The weather was horrible today, really cold and a few spits of rain every now and again, but by about 2.30 I felt like a caged animal so decided to drive to R and have a walk about and visit my dad while there. I walked across the common where S and I once had a meeting. Nothing much seemed to have changed so that was weird. I walked through the church yard and saw quite a few names I remembered, including P's grandad. I remember him dying - and what I was up to at the time. Not literally at the moment but that month/year (April 95). Incredible that its been almost 13 years. After I walked round the block of the village, which is a 2 mile loop. Again, many things seemed the same but some had changed. When you walk, it gives you lots of time to think and I reminisced big time. Almost every step, every house I could remember something or someone from years ago. Lots of memories. Its a bit of a paradox really, going 'home' is supposed to be a good thing, but so many of the thoughts made me, maybe not sad exactly but melancholic. But my dad seemed okay.

A's right of course. She's always right and as much as I think she's mistaken or has an ulterior motive sometimes, her opinion is usually about spot on. What am I talking about? A nice day at the R's, lunch, amusement from the kids, TV etc. E came there to do some stuff on puter. And one of the things? Checking e-mail on facebook, including one - well she was sitting by me how could I not see? - from an ex from a few years ago with the subject heading Single. Looked like it had gone back and forward a few times too. I couldn't read the words, in fact, I turned my head and gazed out of the window, focusing on something in the distance, trying not to blink, but I suppose it was something along the lines of "yea I am again, thank God. He wasn't you, etc..." I should change tack here, because I don't know for a fact what the context was and sitting here beating myself up about it has to be a bad thing, but even so... grrr. I wish I could do all the things A says, wish I could toughen up and just say "You left, fuck you". Maybe one day.

Got up late today, well why not. Throat still sore but better than it was. And apart from a trip to the shop, didn't do a lot. Had a text from A this afternoon that she was having a clothes clear out and was shocked/distressed how items from just a few years ago were too small. I guess she knew I'd made a complimentary comment, so I didn't disappoint her. I remember years ago a checked pair of trousers she used to wear to work. One of my earliest memory! I said don't bin then, they can go in my museum - they changed my life! She said they went years ago! Silly though it might sound, it can be rightly said that they really did change my life. I can distinctly recall first noticing her in those trousers... and the rest is history as they say!

Good Friday. And any Friday which is a day off work is good by me! Got up late, had a terrible nights sleep with my sore throat which meant it hurt to swallow and I kept waking up coughing.
E called this morning. Had some easter eggs for the boys, so would I go with her to deliver. So i did, not that spoke to me much. God forbid that another ex is going to hang on to my family!
Went to see J this afternoon. Was meant to be a pop in but ended up being there until nearly 7 which was nice. Everyone ok over there. Told her all about latest stuff, about E and Y and A. She must think I like a confusing life! Maybe I do.

The Easter break couldn't have come sooner. K irritated me to distraction again and I finally snapped and shouted at her. She is so annoying, but the worst part is she really doesn't know how bad she is! Came home with a sore throat and was asleep on the sofa by 9 (although I am obviously back awake now) Not that I want a sore throat/cold etc but after how weak I felt at swimming on Tuesday its almost a relied for illness to finally show itself. Of course its a pain that it should be on the evening of 4 days off work. No real plan for the weekend, said I'd go and see J tomorrow and I invited Y to come over again on Saturday if she was at a loose end, although not under the same circumstances as last week. Think E might visit at some point too.

Dam dam. Lost skittles cup quarter final tonight and to a team in the divison below. I know its only a game but I'm still gutted! Was close all game and we lost narrowly but even so... why does it feel worse to lose a game you expect to win? Let's be philosophical, its still work tomorrow win or lose. Talking of which its the last day before 4 days off. Lovely Easter.

Reasonable day at work, swapped lots of e-mails with A. She seemed to be having a good b'day. E-mailed J early on but had no reply. Meant to text her tonight to check that she was just busy and there was nothing up - but I didn't get round to doing it!
The garage finished my car - 192 quid lighter. Bit steeper than I had hoped for but it least it runs smoothly now. They mended the water leak and changed the - very noisy - wheel bearing.
Went swimming, but really struggled. After last weeks 46, I hoped to push on towards 50, but right from the first length that was never going to happen. Felt so weak and legs so leaden that I could only do 4's and 6's. Without being overly-graphic, I've been to the toilet 4 times since I got home, so maybe I have an illness coming on. Be just my luck to be poorly with a long holiday weekend coming up!
Text from A after swimming, she said "I wish I was as nice as you think I am....". It's got me a bit perplexed, a simple throwaway comment or is there something more sinister to it? she wouldn't have done something I'd disapprove of and hasn't told me, would she?

Not too bad a day today. Had my yearly review and got some praise and a decent enough pay rise. I picked E up from the garage this morning and dropped her at her work before taking my car to the garage in town. She was v grateful, said she owes me a curry. I didn't mention any of it to those who would frown! Talking of which, its A's birthday tomorrow. I'd already bought her a card but on my way to work from the garage, I popped into Tesco and bought a sweet little pot full of miniature daffodils. Dropped it round there tonight and had a cuppa. Which was nice. Of course. Went town tonight, just P and M out. Played a couple of games of snooker and that was about it. Have to take my car back to the garage tomorrow as they couldn't do it all in one day. Hmmm.

Didn't get up until nearly 12. Well why bother? Might have felt differently if it hadn't been freezing and raining out.
E popped over today. I told her about Y last night and she asked if I wanted to talk about it. In what way? So I said "sure, pop over", so she did. Was okay, chatted about stuff for a while, nothing exciting. Told her about Y, but it was weird discussing that, I mean coz of E I'm in a similar emotional state to Y. Maybe thats why E was so concerned? She asked if I wanted to come back for a coffee and cake, said her mum said I was very welcome. Wanted to, but decided not to. Felt sort of awkward about going there. I knew that if I went, I'd be upset when I left. Giving her a lift to work tomorrow as her car has to go to the garage. I wont mention it to A or Y, not worth the grief!

Not a lot going on today. Watched JR play football. He scored but they lost. Was meant to go to J's today to watch rugby but she hadn't mentioned it since mid-week and I felt tired anyway so I just crashed on the sofa all day watching. Y from work came round tonight. Shouldn't go into to much detail but she's having a bad time of things right now and I invited her to come "hang out" - chat, watch some crap TV. God forbid that I should be a useful friendly shoulder, but she went away in a better state than she arrived, so thats good. I do feel for her though, its easy to say "life gets better" but A. its hard to see that when you are feeling everything is pointless right now and B. It doesn't!