heather's journal

Wow. Sooo much has changed since I last wrote. I guess I’ll number off everything that’s changed since last time before I go into what the point of this really is.

1.  Frank & Gale died. They were in a car accident with Matt Pav. I’m still in shock over it and it happened 4 months ago. I just still can’t believe it.

2.  I’m over him. Completely.

3.  I started dating someone else.

4.  Alli and I had a falling out.

5.  I turned 20.

6.  I got over new guy. That never would have worked anyway—8 years older than me, going through a divorce, with a 3-year old. Yeeeah.

7.  Lauren and I started talking again. Not a lot or anything. But we caught up.

8.  I met another guy who I can’t seem to get off my mind. Now that I’ve met him, I can’t understand why I ever felt that way about guy #1. I just feel like something is supposed to happen with us. And I felt it the first time I met him.

9.  Alli and I started talking again. I know it’ll never be the same, I won’t let it. I can’t let myself get too comfortable with her just to let her hurt me like that again.

10.  The Bird boys got in an accident. It’s really bad. They were on their way to work, Eric was driving and either was texting or fell asleep, he hasn’t been able to tell them yet. They both had to be airlifted. Steven has a broken back and he had to have pins put in it. Eric has a broken back, a broken pelvis, fractured ribs, a punctured lung, and he can’t move his leg. Steven’s stable; Eric’s slightly better than he was when it happened. I hope they both make it.

Okay, so the real point of this? Now that I’m 20, I realize that I’ve learned a lottt. So if you’ll forgive the cheesiness of the matter, I want to share with you some of the things I’ve learned so you don’t have to learn it the way I did: the hard way.

What you should know about high school:

-Drama is never worth it. Any of it.

-Go to homecoming and prom. Even if you don’t have the time of your life, you won’t regret it.

-Don’t depend on copying off of your “smart” friend, eventually she’ll get tired of it.

-Mr. Berg is super smart, even if his opinions don’t coincide with your own.

-It is possible to go through high school without ever serving a detention.

-It is also possible to not have to take a single final your senior year.

-Mr. Pakula will kick you out of his class for talking during movies.

-Get your senior pictures taken, buy a yearbook, and put pictures in the senior slideshow.

-Go to football games and basketball games, even if it’s just to socialize.

-Take PE & Study Hall with Coach Ramsey; if you’re his favorite, you’ll get away with anything.

-Sometimes, your least favorite teacher will become your favorite after you don’t have them anymore.

-Actually do your homework in Study Hall; you’ll appreciate not having to do any homework at home.

-Mrs. Gillett is the strictest teacher at Central A&M & Mrs. Lawton is probably the least strict.

-Don’t think Senor is crazy when he tells you that your best friends won’t be your best friends in 5 years; he’s completely right.

-Don’t stress over graduation; you won’t trip up the steps, you’re just going to be incredibly bored.

-Your grandparents tell you that high school is the ‘best years of your life’ because they’re some of the easiest years of your life, which is true. However, easiest doesn’t always mean best.

What you should know about friends:

-People change.

-Don’t maintain a friendship that is based on convenience.

-If a ‘friend’ continuously stabs you in the back, drop them.

-A true best friend will be there for you, no matter what.

-Never question why a friend cares about you; that’s what they’re supposed to do.

-Don’t put off talking to a friend about a problem for fear of hurting their feelings, no matter how sensitive they are; things will only be worse in the long run.

-Learn from your friend’s mistakes.

-Making new friends is fun.

-Don’t assume that just because one person hurt you that everyone else will.

-Take loads of pictures and remember every inside joke—they’ll always make you smile.

-If your friends warn you about someone, you don’t always have to listen, but heed their warning and respect their wishes regarding that person.

-Be loud, take late night Wal-Mart trips, and have sleepovers.

What you should know about relationships:

-Don’t try to change a person—if you don’t like who they already are, you’re wasting your time.

-Age is not a prerequisite for falling in love; maturity, on the other hand, is.

-You can’t have a one-sided relationship.

-You can’t help who you fall in love with, just don’t expect everyone to always support it.

-Don’t let someone control you.

-Don’t always take your ex back when they tell you they’ve changed; give them a time frame to prove it.

-Never say ‘I love you’ if you don’t mean it.

-Don’t stay with someone because you’re afraid of hurting them; again, things will only be worse in the long run.

-Don’t rush things. Take it slow.

-Remember: if they cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you.

-When they turn into a completely different person, it’s their loss.

-Establish boundaries.

-Be strong enough to leave—you’ll be okay.

-When you’re happy, don’t let anyone or anything take that away from you.

-It’s never too late to tell someone how you feel about them; there’s never a never until they’re gone.

-All love changes over time: some diminishes, but true love simply grows.

What you should know about life:

-Do stuff that isn’t illegal—you can have fun legally too.

-Don’t smoke; it’s gross.

-Don’t get addicted to caffeine; withdrawals are not fun.

-Don’t regret anything that once made you smile.

-Talk things out when you have a problem; you’ll feel better no matter how adamant you were about it to begin with.

-Don’t act like you have an IQ of less than 70; it’s not cute, it’s just obnoxious.

-Make every summer and weekend count—it’s worth more than you know.

-Go to concerts.

-Maintain a large vocabulary; even if people don’t always know what you’re talking about, you’ll always know what they’re saying.

-Don’t take anyone for granted—you never know when you might lose them.

-Don’t undermine someone’s trust.

-Be honest with everyone.

-Impulsivity can be an excellent thing.

-Always be grateful.

-Be super thankful when you walk away from a car accident.

-Pick your battles, but don’t let people walk all over you.

-Don’t underestimate anyone or set your expectations too high; if you have no expectations, you’ll never be disappointed, only surprised.

-Never be anything less than yourself.

I want to end this with 10 things I’ve learned about myself over the past few months.

1.  I secretly want to learn to cook.

2.  I’m ready to fall in love.

3.  I do too much and never feel appreciated.

4.  I’m extremely ready to move out.

5.  I can’t let myself get too comfortable with certain people, for my sake.

6.  I’ve gotten to the point where I really don’t care if people don’t like me. If you don’t like me, I’m going to be indifferent to you and your opinion.

7.  I’m really worried about not getting along with my roommates when I go to Millikin. I really hope I get super close to at least one of them.

8.  My friends are literally what keep me sane.

9.  I really want to meet a guy soon and fall in love with him.

10. I can’t wait to be a wife and a mother. I want to be married by the time I’m 23 and I want to have my first baby at 25.

Don’t live your life for anyone other than you :)

"haha sorry but theres nothing there i guess we both just like to mess with adam"

and there it is
what i've been wondering and needing to know for over a year.

this sucks
my effing heart just broke into a million tinyyy little pieces
it feels like i want to cry
but it feels like i knew it was coming

i wish he would have said something different
i wish he felt differently
i wish i would have never read that
i wish she wouldn't have even sent the message.

i guess all that's left to do is:
move on.

he replied to her message.

i have no idea what he said yet
but she did this:
^_^
which is her version of a smiley face
which usually means something good
or in her case:
that "she proved me wrong."

she asked if i wanted her to tell me what he said
and i said: if you want to
she hasn't replied yet
boo.

oh boy

it all started because of kristen
she was at school, talking about him
yeahhh
apparently she has candace syndrome
and she's only 17
so alli saves the day:
she tells kristen to back off, because "that's heather's man"
and then i guess she told her that everyone has been trying to get me to date him for a while
[which is the truth]

i believe she did it, but i don't
i told my mom about this just in case she hears anything
because kristen has a big mouth
and my mom says just go with it
and she tells me that she's gonna warn him about it and tell him to just go with it
this makes me nervous, real nervous

anyway
i told jess about the whole thing and she said she'd def go with it
but the part that makes me smile [privately, of course]
is that my mom and i were having a conversation later about it
and she was saying how she doesn't see what the problem is
that you can date a friend and all this other stuff
and because it's me and i have that reputation to uphold
i keep saying that i'm sure we would be unwilling [lie]
and she says that she thinks that i would be the only unwilling one
and i say why's that?
and she says, "because i think he likes you"
and i think i said why but the rest of the conversation took a different turn

but i told jess all of this too and she said:
"i dont want to say i agree with her. cause i dont want ah pbbted. but i do agree with the part where he likes you. duuude...its soo effing obvious. im sorry. but i speak the truth."
if this is true, that's soooo great for my situation
i just don't see how everyone else can tell
so i asked her how it's soo effing obvious, because i can't see it
she hasn't gotten the message yet, because she's at work
and the bad part is that i think when she gets it, she'll be here
so we'll have to have that conversation face-to-face

and we all may go to the movies in a few weeks
me, her, travis, and him
my mom's gonna pay for it
it's like a double date...weird

so this is giving me hope
 a lot of it
and its making me happy
like beaming
fingerrrrrs crossssed.

i found stuff i wrote about him a year ago

and it amazes me
a year ago, i felt the exact same way i do now
even though so much more has changed
he has been the one constant in my life for the past year

a year ago, i was having almost the same thoughts
granted, we weren't as close then as we are now
so those thoughts may not have been as loaded as they are now
but still
i was wondering what if and maybe

what i want hasn't changed at all
it's probably gotten worse as we've gotten closer
even though we didn't even talk for six months

i just can't believe it
i think the part that blows my mind the most
is the fact that everything else has changed
who i'm friends with has changed, family situations have changed, school situations have changed
i've changed
but how i feel about him hasn't
actually, that probably isn't true
the way i feel about him has probably intensified
they've definitely intensified

and they're not slacking up
the closer we get, the more intense they get
it's like a storm
the closer it gets, the more the thunder intensifies
i don't even like rain much and i'm using it as an analogy


"like the rain, i have fallen for you, and i know just why
you like the rain, always callin' for you, i'm fallin' for you now
just like the rain."

so i haven't seen him since tuesday
which sucks
but i'm prettyyyy sure i'll see him tomorrow
i'm making it a point of my day
cause me and alli are going out there.

but what sucks is
tomorrow is gonna be his last day working out there
and i don't know how much i'll see him now
which sucks haaaaard.

and not just because of the whole "i'm crazy about him" thing
but because we are friends.

pretty much every time i see him
every time he says something about another girl for obvious reasons
every time he says something along the lines of what he said last time
or what he said at the bar
because when he says things like that
it makes me feel like he wants more, but doesn't want me to hurt him
it breaks my heart
and i look forward to that.

he left jess a comment involving me
nothing big
but still.

i want them to talk about me
i want them to talk about the idea she has
i want him to tell her how he really feels
i want it to be the same as how i feel about him
i want her to tell me
i want her to "convince" me about him
and i want her to tell him to go for it.

i just want all of this to be over
one way or another
but i want to spare myself any more heart break.

a lot changed this weekend
first of all, lauren and i are no longer friends
at all
which is fine by me
because the way i see it, we haven't been friends for a while

but the real reason i'm doing this is
yet again
him

we were out there today
and he came over and talked to us
like usual
and while he's sitting there
he starts telling us about this girl he saw walking around town
he said:
"she had red hair, she was about heather's height...about the same build too, actually, she kind of looked like heather except with red hair"
so while i'm sitting there trying to figure out who it could have possibly been
he goes, "she was cute..."

it's like he's subtly hitting on me in front of my family
i won't complain
i think it's kind of cute

and he asked me about kendra, which was weird
but obviously, he's not like stuck on candace
he's leaving his options open
which gives me a tiny glimmer of hope...
but it still makes me feel bad
because she still feels that way about him

and i've also been thinking that maybe i should tell jess
not everything
just maybe that i'm starting to feel this way now
not that i have for way over a year
because if i tell her, maybe, somehow, something will finally happen
and i won't tell her right away
but like, within the next couple weeks

but until then
i'll keep praying
and lying.

"its okay.. i kinda have my eye on someone else... he might be out of my league to.. but hes a secret.. and i know you wont steal him.. muhaha."

we were having one of our "arguements" about david cook
and i know she's talking about him.

it's amazing how i went from sooo happy the other night because of him
to completely depressed tonight because of how she feels about him.

this is probably the worst feeling in the world
to basically lose something you never had in the first place
or it feels like i lost him
they're not together
he hasn't even said he likes her
but still.

i've even been praying
i haven't prayed for something so hard in my life
i've never wanted anything so bad in my life.

it's like i feel guilty because of how i feel
which is unfair to me
i've liked him for soooooooo long
i just haaaaate this feeling.

well, tonight was...interesting
to say the least.

everyone from sophies went up to the bar
and mom thought i should go too
so i did.

so, we're sitting there
and first of all
he decides he and i need like, a million pictures together
whatever
then we're sitting there, and he has arm around me [like he did the majority of the night]
and he asked me why i didn't have a boyfriend
i just looked at him and said "i live in assumption"
and he goes, i completely understand that.

then a while later
while we were standing outside, he was saying how i have a great personality the way i am, but i should loosen up
and then when we went back inside
[my mom listening the entire time]
and he starts telling me that i could have any guy i wanted
he says "you are a very pretty girl, seriously, you are very pretty, and you're really smart, if you just loosen up a little, you'll just have guys, fuckin'..."
[which is where he trailed off]
and my mom goes "uh uh, momma has to screen them"
and he says "momma, listen, she's smart, any guy that she decides to date is gonna be a good guy"
he told me i should let everyone see me like he did tonight
and he almost slipped and told my mom about the incident back in january, thank god he stopped before.

we did have fun tonight
and now jess has this genius idea
i know what it is without her even saying
but secretly, i wouldnt be opposed
everyone thinks he and i should date
Everyone
and now, with all the pictures, i'm sure people will think we are

but the things he said tonight...
like, those were things i was hoping he'd tell me tonight
and he did
i know he thinks i just want to be friends
but god...
and it gave me hope
which is probably not a good thing
why does he have to know all the right things to say?

so, yesterday.
was fun.

jess and i were out there.
just hanging out, talking.
and talking to him.
they get along amazingly.
which, for some reason, makes me happy.
we just sat around talking and laughing.
jess apparently wants him to hang out with us more.

and there was touching.
right before we left.
jess and i were going to decatur.
and he and lyle were going to decatur.
we thought we were getting ready to leave and he walked past us.
he touched both of our arms and told us to have fun.
and then when we were all actually leaving.
he was walking to the right of me, behind me a little.
and he put his hand on my back the entire time we were walking out.

and i was thinking about that.
my mom asked me earlier if he told me what carol said.
and he didn't.
apparently, she told him that he and i would make a cute couple.
and mom doesn't know what he said because he was walking out of the room.
but still, someone finally said it to him.
the touching took place after she told him that.
and because i'm wayyy overanalytical.
that makes this whole thing that much more confusing.

this is starting to feel like last december again.
back when we were getting real close.
and then we went out that one time.
but then we didn't talk for literally almost six months.

i'm so sick of being confused about it.
i'm so tired of not knowing.
and i'm tired of wishing.
it's about time i knew.
and it's about time he knew.

i just don't have it in me.

i don't really know whether or not it's improving.
i think i may be getting to the point where i may be realizing we're just friends.
and now that i say that, it'll probably get worse than ever.

i was thinking earlier tonight.
which is always dangerous.
but a few weeks ago, when alli was still in florida.
i was out there on the phone with her and he said to tell her hi.
and when i got off the phone, he asked if she was one he had met.
and i said that i thought so, and that she had been out there with me before.
then he asked if she was the one from the assumption fest.
i told him she wasn't and that that was lauren.

and that may sound like it would have meant nothing.
but it does.
to me anyway.
because that night at the assumption fest was one of the first times i really realized that i liked him.
we flirted soooo much that night.
and lauren has said that she could tell he liked me that night.

yeah, it was over a year ago.
but that he remembers it amazed me.
i think about it all the time.
but i never thought that night would ever cross his mind again.
and maybe i'm overthinking it like i do everything else.
but for some reason, in the back of my mind.
there's hope that the reason he remembers it is because he did [or does] like me.
which is why i wonder why he brought it up.
that's where the 'does he maybe still have feelings for me' comes in.

love that you cannot have lasts the longest, feels the strongest, and hurts the deepest.

it's not like it's getting better
or worse, really
it's like this unfailing feeling.

and he's the only reason i went out there today
not because i wanted to see him
but because he wanted me to come out there
he wanted me to hear some song and see if i knew what it was
i didn't, but i sat there until everyone left.

and we talked as usual
about incredibly random stuff
and candace.

conversation? sure.

"so, i met your friend candace."
"did you?"
"yeah, she kind of took a liking to me."
"really?"
"mhm."
[and then like 20 minutes later]
"so tell me about candace."
"well, what do you wanna know about her?"
"everything."
"everything?"

and then we got distracted and started talking about something else.

i love candace to death
i really do and i always have
she's a sweetheart and she deserves someone amazing
but that would kill me.

i think i'd just give her david cook if i could have him.

so i saw him again on tuesday.
it's not awkward anymore.
but it's tiring, i'm getting so sick of it.
i just wish things could change a little bit.

namely.
well, it doesn't take an idiot to figure that out.

he was working.
but that never stops him from talking to me.
or telling me stories about other girls.

yeah.
but, it's not like he knows.
anyway.
i was putting something in mom's purse for her.
she was sitting at the counter eating.
and he was standing there in front of where i was sitting.
my mom says, "heather, hurry up. he's gonna tell a story."

so i go back over there.
and he tells us how there's this girl on facebook that he's been talking to and how cool she is and stuff.
but she lives past chicago.
so there's nothing he's gonna do about that.

but what i don't get.
is why i had to be over there to hear that.
he wouldn't start the story until i got back over there.
i don't know if he said that he had a story to tell me or what.
which wouldn't surprise me.
because when we're not messing with each other.
we can actually have serious conversations.

i wish this wouldn't have happened.
i would have been just fine if it really was like i pretended it is.
strictly friends.
but no one really know that i'm crazy about him.
no one know that i'm the girl who keeps falling for her best friend.

so, i saw him today for the first time since july 1st.
and it wasn't awkward at all like i figured it would be.
i figured it would somehow be like it was the first time we saw each other after 6 months.
but it wasn't.

he asked me where i'd been.
i told him at home.
he goes well just because your mom's sick doesn't mean you can't come around.
and i said well, i'm sorry.

i know that probably doesn't mean anything.
but of course, here i go again, hoping that it does.
thinking maybe that means something.
always thinking that maybe, just maybe everything that happens between us, everything that's said between us, means something.

it's sort of bittersweet.
it's like; i like having these feelings for someone, they tell me i'm human.
but, at the same time, i hate it because i don't think he feels the same way.

strawberry wine, seventeen
the hot july moon saw everything
my first taste of love
oh, bittersweet
like green on the vine
like strawberry wine.

i answered the phone thinking we would just talk about her date.
but lord was i wrong.

"i have to tell you something."
"okay?"
"you can't be mad at me."
"alright?"
"i kind of...did a little...pot."

and her excuse for it being okay was that "it wasn't that much."
it doesn't matter how much it was.
what matters is that she did it.

i'm not mad about it.
i'm disappointed, which will probably be worse when she hears it.
because she looks up to me.
i'm like her older sister, always have been.

and the worst part is that she has a blood test when she gets back.
so, they'll find out.
and they'll probably never let her go back to florida.

but i can't feel sorry for her there.
i won't.
she knew that before she did it.
and she still chose to do it.

and if she choses to do more of it when she gets home.
i don't know what i'll do.

because if i find myself somehow unable to be friends with her.
it'll be completely unfair.
because i stuck by all my other friends when they did it.
well, the ones who have stopped anyway.
but they stopped.
and the ones that didn't;
we're not friends anymore.

then i find myself saying.
if i do stick by her and she choses to keep doing it.
then i'm doing something i don't believe in.
and i'd feel that, in a sense, i'd be enabling her.
and i don't like that thought.

but then i go back to the sticking by everyone else who stopped.
the fact that we always say "through everything."
and that "smoking pot" isn't exempt from everything.

so i have no idea what i'll do.
why did it have to be her?