??The first woman may have been Eve, but the first girl will always be Alma. Maybe the first time you saw her you were ten. She was standing in the sun scratching her legs. Or racing letters in the dirt with a stick. Her hair was being pulled. Or she was pulling someone??s hair. And a part of you were drawn to her, and a part of you resisted??wanting to ride off on your bicycle, kick a stone, remain uncomplicated. In teh same breath you felt the strength of a man, and a self-pity that made you feel small and hurt. Part of you thought: Please don??t look at me. If you don??t, I can still turn away. And part of you thought: Look at me. If you remember the first time you saw Alma, you also remember the last. She was shaking her head. Or disappearing across a field. Or through your window. Come back, you shouted. But she didn??t. And though you were gorwn up by then, you felt as lost as a child. And though your pride was broken, you felt as vast as your love for her. She was gone, and all that was left was the space you??d grown around her, like a tree that grows around a fence. For a long time, it remained hollow. Years, maybe. And when at last it was filled again, you knew that the new love you felt for a woman would have been impossible without Alma. If it weren??t for her, there would never have been an empty space, or the need to fill it.??

i wonder if one problem causes another. makes me not feel. what a new and shitty comprehension.

people like to look at me. Okay, I mean this in the least self-centered way possible... but its just true. I think I must have a comforting face. For example, my gorgeous english professor... the first few days of class, all he did was look at me. And mind you, this is a class of 15 girls, half of which are much much prettier/hotter than me. But no, he just looked at me. And he remembered my nam after the first class too. He's still, 2 weeks later, trying to learn most of the other girls names (some he has down now) but he knew mine the first day. If find this so weird. I mean, he doesn't look at me anymore or anything... but I've just been noticing... people lke to look at me when they're uncomofortable i think. when they don't know where else to look. i'm easy?

I think it must be a lot easier for him to see me than it is for me to see him. I had a wonderful wonderful night and there isn't a thing I would change about it... but I have an e hangover. I gotta kick it quick,

See, I have spent the last two and a half months convincing myself that Ezra and I are all wrong for each other, that we never would have worked, and that our relationship could not have been significant. (He never asked me about myself. I only fell for him because he fell for me. We only got along because I wanted us to. Blah blah etc. etc.) And some of this is true. I cant deny that. But as we lay there Sunday morning, our discussion covered nothing of particular depth or monumental consequence. It was conversation, lacking motive or expectation, free of sexual insinuation or physical complication consisting of, really, just us. And it was breathtaking.

I mean, throughout our relationship, up until this pointI would never have considered this. Not because I wouldnt want to admit it (though, lets not lie, I hate to articulate it now), but because it wasnt true, or if it was I had no notion of it. But being there in the dark I became aware of the extent to which we both try to utilize every moment we have alone, to soak up as much as we can of each other in what seems like the minuscule time were ever given. Despite our restricted circumstance and our ridiculous history, we both desire to know and understand one another so much and the truth of the matter became bittersweetly comprehensible.

I could have loved him.

tommoro is ma partyyy and i am so exciteddddddd. i get to see all my favorite people in the world. and e. yuck to the last bit. but at least i understand that hes just an asshole now. you kno who's not an asshole? b. he is one of my best friends at this point i realized. and its weird..cuz i never see him yet i always want to talk to him. something will happen to me and ill want to tell him about it. not in the same way i used to want to tell e about things. that was like a, force him to get to kno me kinda thing. this is more a i like to hear b's opinions on things. hes just kind and compassionate and even if he doesnt care about me... he acts like he does and ithink thats really really important. rather than actually caring about me and acting like he doesn't which most boys generally do. and he put thought into my bday gift and agreed not to get it for me when i asked him to please please come on the train and save me from awkwardness instead. i am so excited for tommoro though and im IN LOVE with my shoes and my dress and my coat. Like, i dont think its possible to love an outfit more. I AM SO EXCITED AHHHHHH. and i get to see shrey and kar tooooo. yayayayay.

Away Message: Put your pretty dress on it's time for you to go to the dance tie your hair in ribbons and lace and wear pearls round your neck And all the pretty princes will see you All the pretty princes will see you Some day

and now im crying. fuck. why am i so fat? and why am i so damn sensative. it is SO annoying and i can't stop crying and i hate it. this is not the good kind of crying. i HATE this. i need to stop eating. and i can like, see my mother trying not to give me cake for my aunts bday and i kno logically shes just doing it because i choose to be on my own food plan but i can't help but take it really personally and like shes telling m i shouldn't eat. i know im being irrational but only I can say when i shouldn't eat. fuck, im going to do make bad decisions.

i know i've pondered this before... but what do people do who DON'T have this? And am I (and my counterparts) just being self-centered in thinking that we are some of the rare few who HAVE found this sort of connection? I mean, we've discussed it... how very few people can possibly comprehend our relationship and how astronomically significant it is... but is that just us percieving it as such? Like... do other people actually have these sorts of relationships? I mean, that wouldn't bother me.. i'm not saying it like, oh are we not as special as i thought? i think it would be great if other ppl did find this! Everyone should have best friends as amazing as mine...

but my question is DO they?

and if not... how do they live? That sounds utterly high-horse of me, and i don't mean to imply that this aspect of my life is much better than someone WITHOUT this... but it kinda is. What do other people do when they're desperately sad at 4am? Or more importantly, when they just need to be understood. and loved. unconditionally. these people love me. I mean, they truly do...without questions or hesitations they are on my side and that is so important.

maybe i'm just really really lucky.

do you think it lasts?

Ireland was wonderful. I mean, as far as fun goes I wouldn't suggest it as a party spot but it was relaxing and a true vacation. I had a great time and for the first week i was completly removed from reality. No facebook. no resposnibility. no sadness. just existance.

and during that time all i did was think. I read this psychology book on how to get people to like you (as my mom said, its not that i NEED the information and no i dont have trouble in the area.. but its highly fascinating to read about everything i do wrong...) and it just got me pondering the nature of pride. The book says that you aren't supposed to make yourself available to people you like and that in order for people to like you and find you attractive, you have to introduce and maintain a certain level of doubt about how much you like them. Here's where I fuck up. And that may be okay. I'm really torn about this right now and I'm still trying to work out how I feel. I mean... okay.. so on the one hand.. lets use b as an example cuz i think in some ways hes a good one. I literally have no pride when it comes to expressing my desire to see him. I pretty much tell him im free and that he should just pick a time we can hang out. According to the book, this is the opposite of what im supposed to do. And like, from an intellectual perspective, I 100% agree. I think he might want to see me more if I did act like i didn't particularly care and wasn't always around..but on the other hand... why should i play games? if i am free...why would i say that i'm not? soley to APPEAR like i don't like him as much as i do?? i find this stupid. but i think it works. thus i am torn.

and like, on new years eve i was in the shower, nd even though in the past ive never believed in new years resolutions... i think i was just cynical and bitter and didn't think enough of myself to admit to a goal and potential failure... i was just thinking that my resolution should be to live without pride. And in that sense i suppose it wasn't so much a year resolution so much as a decided life change... and for about 15 minutes i was all happy with my decision and thinking that, you know, im just going to be who i am and anyone who doesn't like it doesn't have to be close to me... but then i realized... i don't think this is possible.

take ezra, for example... i mean, sure, in the perfect world i could maintain a pride free stance on him... and as much as i would love this to be so, its just unrealistic. I lived w/o pride this summer w/ him.. and onward into uconn (god did i lack pride at uconn... or at least the type of pride ppl think of in boy/girl relationships) but for me to continue in this manner would just require me to make an unecessary fool of myself. And thats just stupid. If I were completly honest and lived above the rules of social and sexual politics i would im him right now and ask him why he stopped talking to me after uconn, tell him that it seriously hurt my feelings and makes me question whether or not we were ever friends, and ask why he started liking me after an hour in the first place. Hmm, typing that out.. its interesting thats honestly all i would want to know and say. I would have thought i would have asked some sort of bargaining plea (4th stage of grief?) like, can't we please be together? blah blah. im passed that though. i have no interest in a relationship w/ him as i don't have feelings for him. good to know!

but anyways...as i can't live free of pride w/ him, it leads me to believe i can't live free of pride in my relationships. This makes me sad.

I suppose I just have to continue striving for a good middle ground.. i think i live towards no-pride. maybe this is okay. I don't know. but if lived more towards the other side, maybe more ppl would like me. but maybe they wouldn't be the type of ppl i want in my life.

sigh. i don't kno.

i literally have the brightest, most beautiful best friends ever. I mean, seriously. All three of my lifers are these utterly intellectual, gorgeous heart-breakers who have the ablity to make me feel more comfortable, more content, and more full of life than anyone else in the world. I'm so happy to have them.

that was awful. i've been wondering why i pathetically try so hard for those ppl when i dont even care about them or find them fun or interestng. i figured it out though. its cuz they are not nice to me. i kno that sounds ridicuous but everyone is nice to me! really! and i think i subconsciously just don't get why they aren't when there is absolutely no reason to be mean! it doesn't make any sense and i hate not understanding things and i thus try to make them make sense. thus i try to make them nice to me. except that now that i realize this, i definatly shall not be continuing the madness as i'm being crazy. why do i want these people (who i don't like nor want to talk to ever) to be nice to me? no reason! i should stop being stupid.

im so annoyed though. js house is way too memory soaked. and now i want to talk to e. but i dont REALLY want to talk to him, i want to talk to summer imagination concieved version of him. as this is not possible, i should just shut up and go to sleep. k, sounds like a plan.

so, i'm off to round 4! although it feels exactly like im going to round 1, or round 2 i suppose. goodness me goodness me. we shall see how this goes. i just can NOT revert back to high school chelsea. goal of the night. well, one of the goals at least.

i just found my dads porn... again.

hmm you know something, I inherently see people on a higher level than me. I mean, I knew that was the case w/ some ppl-- like, I just fee that they're older. But i have begun to realize that its not just age.. its like.. i refrain from being friends with people because i intrinsically and generally subconsciously feel that they are not going to want to be friends with me. Why would they want to be friends with someone inferior to them? I mean...its possible and probable that i am NOT inferior to them in most ways, I just FEEL that i am. I'm sure its based in superficial aspects... ie I'm fat... but i think i fear being less cool, less interesting... i dunno.

why am i so fucked up?

you know, i always assume that when boys are interested in me, they're just those types that are interested in everyone. And for the most part, I honestly think I'm correct. E being an exception I suppose.

But i think in some instances i can also tell when they ARE just interested in me. I think thats how it was for a bit w/ the vibe boy. And now I want it back. I'm not sure its gone, but i think he knows about o and now like... not that I'm off limits... but like... im not sure how to explain. Its not because he's friends w/ o so much as because IIIII am no longer like, without strings? Does that make sense?

see but isn't having a relationship on campus one thousand times more dangerous and terrifying than having a long distance relationship? Is that why e was actually so freakin' appealing to me? I mean, I run into EVERYBODY like...all the time. I haven't REALLY had anybody that I've desperatly wanted to avoid yet but I imagine it won't be pretty...and it won't be possible. Though I suppose there are times that I don't run into people for a few weeks...others I run into four times a day... and you just KNOW that if I got with someone that if and when it ended...id see them like, every two seconds.

I mean, I know this is silly to be thinking about just because of this one boy. But he's the first person I've actualllllly posssssiblyyyy had stupid feelings for. I mean, all this kissing and silliness has been uber amounts of fun... but he's the first one that has been legit.

I don't think I'm ready for how scary this could be.

there are an abundance of boys in my life. i just realized that...

maybe im not as grotesque as we thought?

Believe me, I would love to be one of those people who's all; we loved, thank you, you enriched my life, now go and prosper. But I'm much more: we didn't work out, you need not exist.-Sex and the City

Isn't it? I mean, going home for so long? I don't exist there anymore. My life is here. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and friends... but its just inbetween space now. Filling time between the constant bustle and stimulation of Vassar. I accomplish nothing there. And my friends...I mean, they all have seperate lives. We all have seperate lives...and to be honest, they don't really fit anymore (excluding the significants of course)... and I mean, isn't it sorta a waste of time? I can't meet new people. Now THAT is p o i n t l e s s. Not gonna forget that anytime soon. making friends only to have to perpetually say goodbye just makes life hard.

but i suppose i should really thank e actually. I think when I had feelings for him I wanted to go home. To be home...even if I only saw him for like, a day out of a week of nothingness. Now I want to be here all the time. I'm so truly happy here and im not sure i really comprehended that until recently. vassar is so freakin wonderful. I think thats good to know.