i know i've pondered this before... but what do people do who DON'T have this? And am I (and my counterparts) just being self-centered in thinking that we are some of the rare few who HAVE found this sort of connection? I mean, we've discussed it... how very few people can possibly comprehend our relationship and how astronomically significant it is... but is that just us percieving it as such? Like... do other people actually have these sorts of relationships? I mean, that wouldn't bother me.. i'm not saying it like, oh are we not as special as i thought? i think it would be great if other ppl did find this! Everyone should have best friends as amazing as mine...

but my question is DO they?

and if not... how do they live? That sounds utterly high-horse of me, and i don't mean to imply that this aspect of my life is much better than someone WITHOUT this... but it kinda is. What do other people do when they're desperately sad at 4am? Or more importantly, when they just need to be understood. and loved. unconditionally. these people love me. I mean, they truly do...without questions or hesitations they are on my side and that is so important.

maybe i'm just really really lucky.

do you think it lasts?

Ireland was wonderful. I mean, as far as fun goes I wouldn't suggest it as a party spot but it was relaxing and a true vacation. I had a great time and for the first week i was completly removed from reality. No facebook. no resposnibility. no sadness. just existance.

and during that time all i did was think. I read this psychology book on how to get people to like you (as my mom said, its not that i NEED the information and no i dont have trouble in the area.. but its highly fascinating to read about everything i do wrong...) and it just got me pondering the nature of pride. The book says that you aren't supposed to make yourself available to people you like and that in order for people to like you and find you attractive, you have to introduce and maintain a certain level of doubt about how much you like them. Here's where I fuck up. And that may be okay. I'm really torn about this right now and I'm still trying to work out how I feel. I mean... okay.. so on the one hand.. lets use b as an example cuz i think in some ways hes a good one. I literally have no pride when it comes to expressing my desire to see him. I pretty much tell him im free and that he should just pick a time we can hang out. According to the book, this is the opposite of what im supposed to do. And like, from an intellectual perspective, I 100% agree. I think he might want to see me more if I did act like i didn't particularly care and wasn't always around..but on the other hand... why should i play games? if i am free...why would i say that i'm not? soley to APPEAR like i don't like him as much as i do?? i find this stupid. but i think it works. thus i am torn.

and like, on new years eve i was in the shower, nd even though in the past ive never believed in new years resolutions... i think i was just cynical and bitter and didn't think enough of myself to admit to a goal and potential failure... i was just thinking that my resolution should be to live without pride. And in that sense i suppose it wasn't so much a year resolution so much as a decided life change... and for about 15 minutes i was all happy with my decision and thinking that, you know, im just going to be who i am and anyone who doesn't like it doesn't have to be close to me... but then i realized... i don't think this is possible.

take ezra, for example... i mean, sure, in the perfect world i could maintain a pride free stance on him... and as much as i would love this to be so, its just unrealistic. I lived w/o pride this summer w/ him.. and onward into uconn (god did i lack pride at uconn... or at least the type of pride ppl think of in boy/girl relationships) but for me to continue in this manner would just require me to make an unecessary fool of myself. And thats just stupid. If I were completly honest and lived above the rules of social and sexual politics i would im him right now and ask him why he stopped talking to me after uconn, tell him that it seriously hurt my feelings and makes me question whether or not we were ever friends, and ask why he started liking me after an hour in the first place. Hmm, typing that out.. its interesting thats honestly all i would want to know and say. I would have thought i would have asked some sort of bargaining plea (4th stage of grief?) like, can't we please be together? blah blah. im passed that though. i have no interest in a relationship w/ him as i don't have feelings for him. good to know!

but anyways...as i can't live free of pride w/ him, it leads me to believe i can't live free of pride in my relationships. This makes me sad.

I suppose I just have to continue striving for a good middle ground.. i think i live towards no-pride. maybe this is okay. I don't know. but if lived more towards the other side, maybe more ppl would like me. but maybe they wouldn't be the type of ppl i want in my life.

sigh. i don't kno.