have your cake and eat it too

I think it must be a lot easier for him to see me than it is for me to see him. I had a wonderful wonderful night and there isn't a thing I would change about it... but I have an e hangover. I gotta kick it quick,

See, I have spent the last two and a half months convincing myself that Ezra and I are all wrong for each other, that we never would have worked, and that our relationship could not have been significant. (He never asked me about myself. I only fell for him because he fell for me. We only got along because I wanted us to. Blah blah etc. etc.) And some of this is true. I can�t deny that. But as we lay there Sunday morning, our discussion covered nothing of particular depth or monumental consequence. It was conversation, lacking motive or expectation, free of sexual insinuation or physical complication� consisting of, really, just us. And it was breathtaking.

I mean, throughout our relationship, up until this point�I would never have considered this. Not because I wouldn�t want to admit it (though, lets not lie, I hate to articulate it now), but because it wasn�t true, or if it was I had no notion of it. But being there in the dark I became aware of the extent to which we both try to utilize every moment we have alone, to soak up as much as we can of each other in what seems like the minuscule time we�re ever given. Despite our restricted circumstance and our ridiculous history, we both desire to know and understand one another so much� and the truth of the matter became bittersweetly comprehensible.

I could have loved him.