see but isn't having a relationship on campus one thousand times more dangerous and terrifying than having a long distance relationship? Is that why e was actually so freakin' appealing to me? I mean, I run into EVERYBODY like...all the time. I haven't REALLY had anybody that I've desperatly wanted to avoid yet but I imagine it won't be pretty...and it won't be possible. Though I suppose there are times that I don't run into people for a few weeks...others I run into four times a day... and you just KNOW that if I got with someone that if and when it ended...id see them like, every two seconds.

I mean, I know this is silly to be thinking about just because of this one boy. But he's the first person I've actualllllly posssssiblyyyy had stupid feelings for. I mean, all this kissing and silliness has been uber amounts of fun... but he's the first one that has been legit.

I don't think I'm ready for how scary this could be.

you know, i always assume that when boys are interested in me, they're just those types that are interested in everyone. And for the most part, I honestly think I'm correct. E being an exception I suppose.

But i think in some instances i can also tell when they ARE just interested in me. I think thats how it was for a bit w/ the vibe boy. And now I want it back. I'm not sure its gone, but i think he knows about o and now like... not that I'm off limits... but like... im not sure how to explain. Its not because he's friends w/ o so much as because IIIII am no longer like, without strings? Does that make sense?

hmm you know something, I inherently see people on a higher level than me. I mean, I knew that was the case w/ some ppl-- like, I just fee that they're older. But i have begun to realize that its not just age.. its like.. i refrain from being friends with people because i intrinsically and generally subconsciously feel that they are not going to want to be friends with me. Why would they want to be friends with someone inferior to them? I mean...its possible and probable that i am NOT inferior to them in most ways, I just FEEL that i am. I'm sure its based in superficial aspects... ie I'm fat... but i think i fear being less cool, less interesting... i dunno.

why am i so fucked up?