well it vday..i love my valtine. he got me some awsme gifts.

well granny isnt doing to well.sigh umm idk how i feel about that.

mom is starting up with me again. she is finding any way to make me mad. ugh im not going to deal with it. im going home for britt's bday so we will se how everything goes.

idk why everything is pissing me off with my family,but whatever I can stand up on my own to feet.

im happy that i get to work at carliona creek this summer.

Its all good in my world even though im stressing about some things like the dentist & some of my school work. im really exicted about becoming a delta diamond. I was so happy i got to go great escape. I love my new dorm & its a plus since im close to charlie. my roommate seems cool,so far.  I owe charlie big time for helping me move. I love him so much he means the world to me. we may have our problems but we always get through them. <3 soojin is going through another weird phase. idk i never see or talk to her anymore. i think that friendship is ending. im really hoping to make some new friends this year...idk what else to say so peace out!

all my classes & my job are going good. this semster is going to be a awsome. my friend casey is coming next weekend to take pics of me & charlie & spend the weekend with me.

ive been having some health problems.ugh my knees are acting up again & ive been having an usual amount of discharge. i thought i had a prego scare but its not its alll good, thank goodness. i dont want to have a kid right now since im not married.

i went rockclimbing that was prett fun.

well i had a blast with charlie with our time alone. i love him more than anything. :) hes my whole world. we still have a long way to go on our relationship but we got this. <3

im so happy to be at school & get ready to start!

I also got a job..im so proud of myself!!!

richard just pissed me off last nite when he drunk.ugh i didnt sleep at all. charlie talked to him tonite & told me we would talk over breakfast.

im so glad i got to see my friends today & hang out with them. today was a productive day.

so i pretty ok today.

my mom just want let things go..she still thinks i need to grow up..bullshit ive made enough grow up descions im the one paying for college. dont tell me what to think or feel. im strong.

i love my family,but jeez leave me the hell alone.

my aunt debbie did something really sweet for me & gave me pics of pawpaw & a memorial book. that meant alot to me.

i got to talk to charlie  a bit. i love him so much!!! i cant stand to be away from him. only four more days until i get to see him. im so exicted. he means the world to me!!!<3 & nothing will ever tear us apart. im working on my promise to him. cant wait to show it to him.

grrrrr i have no other words for my day expect that.

why because everyone in my family is just so messed up. i hate being yelled and critized. everyone can kiss my ass this is my life,so leave me the hell alone.everything was so annoying today. im not going into deatails but nothing has changed at all about my life here in kville.

i dont want to even talk about today lets just leave it at that & im glad its over with.

well its my bday & they usually suck as always. idk how i feel about anything today so im just speechless.

had alot of bday wishes. im really hungry but theres nothing to eat around here.

im ready to get back to nac as usual.

i had an agurement with charlie last nite i guess you can say. im confused about some things,but its whatever. i was kind of dissapointed that he didnt call to tell me happy bday. it did mean alot to me, oh well you cant always get what you want. at least i get him when i get back to nac & hopefully he will stop doubting me or us.

mom is wanting me to stay longer,but i cant stand another moment here. im ready to start school & get in the swing of things.

yeah i love my family,but theres only so much i can handle.

im speechless & i dont know what to think of today so far.

well i havent writen in a couple days because ive been busy & my family was around so i couldnt type.ugh

new years was awsome since i got to bring it in with the crew. i love those guys to death. we drank,smoked cigars..& hooak, and danced the nite away. lane's benfit got rained out. wish he could have went to the party. i still need to go see him.

my family has been alrite. my aunt debbie & sister have been getting on my last nerve.ugh some things never change.

me & charlie are getting back together! im so exicted!! i love him so much!!!

im in nac right now. im nerves about my sfa bill. pray that it goes well & job hunting.

well i was in blah mood & i got to talk to my love & he made everything better as always.  im so glad i got to hear him say i love you. i cant wait to see him in a couple of weeks. we are together but not officaly as a couple. we still have somethings to work on. i love him so very much & i know we will get through this ruff patch we have.

i talked to debbie. jeez like talking to her made me feel better. idk what i did but its whatever she can get over it.  at least i got talking with her over with.

today & the past couple days i have done nothing, i feel like a bum.

im really nervous about the sfa money thing. somehow i can get through this, i just wanna finish my eduaction there. please lord help me out on this!

so this my first journal entry & i have alot on my mind & i dont know where to begin at.

lets see first of im stuck in kville which is its own personal hell. i hate this town & the poeple in it. there is nothing good that comes from here, all they live off of is to talk about each other. yeah everybody knows everybody.woohoo.

my crazy family..nothing i will ever do will be good enough some how i always do something wrong & nothing right. they always are so negative. what childhood did i ever have. i just want some kind of peace. any body proud of me. why i am even here expect to be a burden to them all & everybody else.  debbie & my mother need to stop using me as a toy go between them, im an adult please treat me like one. my fav aunt is dying. go ahead take somebody else away from me its bad enough my pawpaw & chance are gone already, every day is tourture to loose somebody else. how can i be so strong & yet so weak.

kay please stop using me to send fwd to your bf, grow some balls & find some one else to use. im tired of being used. thats my main probly everyone walks on me. im a coward not to stand up for myself. whats the point isnt that the reason i was put on this earth to just to save others & be pushed around, do i get one thank you,no not at all. never have i. i cant take much more of any of this.i want my faith back & share it with somebody & to be my equal.

britt just please dont go back to your old ways you dont have me to get you out of trouble any more, you need to grow up. & kevin idk just do something right with your life & dont be like your sisters,we arent the greatest role models.

my friends..???..those i have no clue who they are anymore its just me. does anybody like me as there friend & not to their doormat. one true friend is all i ask for.but he died & ill never have another one expect a memory of a butterfly tattooed to my skin.

my love i went all wrong with that. yeah i screwed up..you deserve better. im not worthy of anything expect to be alone. i love you so much. i just cant take the pain you cause your self. idk if you see it or not but everytime you cut..your cutting me..just another one to my heart. there is no reason for it.  i cant live without you & i need you as much as you need me.  what the hell was i thinking with richard..he means nothing. i was so confused about charlie & i. but i guess that God put us to the test to see if we are meant to be & to show me how much i love him. all i could think about was charlie all i wanted was charlie when that guy kissed me..i wanted charlie to say i want you not the sex,the video games, the cutting ,or the porn. that he just wanted me, i want to be his first (and i was his first) and i want to be his last. i want him to be the last one to kiss me, hold my hand, cuddle with me, make love to me, and say i love you & just be the last one i spend the rest of my days with. & im sorry i wish he could see it in my eyes & hear it in my voice. & know it comes from deep within, i gave up alot for him. i just want everything to be ok between us.

i have lost so much weight & all i eat is supper. jeez i guess that doc was right i really am anoxeria. i know believe him. i finally admit it to myself. i want to be small no matter the cost & remove this pain im feeling from the world its self. its alot better than cutting or bruising myself up over something. those you can see but i can mask this..no body has noticed. another thing is i cant sleep at all especialy eat. i have no will power to do anything or feel anything expect emtional pain.

heres my new years..no tennis tourment since it will be raining. im not going to see my friends since lets see logan my ex will be there & so will richard. i wish those two would do back to being in the middle of the desert & leave me alone & stop causing me pain.  i hate them so much. they ruin everything. im stuck at my house alone with nobody expect me. im not worried about my so called friends they havent even noticed i was even here or invited me to hang out, brent has been my only friend to hangout with.

im going to sfa on the 3rd to get my money thing fixed with sfa & to get a job there in nac. im never coming back to this damn place ever again called kville, one way or another i am staying at sfa & finishing my degree, nobody will stop me. everybody can kiss my ass.

i think thats about it to this journal entry, im tired now so im going to bed & we shall see what tomorrow holds.