so this my first journal entry & i have alot on my mind & i dont know where to begin at.

lets see first of im stuck in kville which is its own personal hell. i hate this town & the poeple in it. there is nothing good that comes from here, all they live off of is to talk about each other. yeah everybody knows everybody.woohoo.

my crazy family..nothing i will ever do will be good enough some how i always do something wrong & nothing right. they always are so negative. what childhood did i ever have. i just want some kind of peace. any body proud of me. why i am even here expect to be a burden to them all & everybody else.  debbie & my mother need to stop using me as a toy go between them, im an adult please treat me like one. my fav aunt is dying. go ahead take somebody else away from me its bad enough my pawpaw & chance are gone already, every day is tourture to loose somebody else. how can i be so strong & yet so weak.

kay please stop using me to send fwd to your bf, grow some balls & find some one else to use. im tired of being used. thats my main probly everyone walks on me. im a coward not to stand up for myself. whats the point isnt that the reason i was put on this earth to just to save others & be pushed around, do i get one thank you,no not at all. never have i. i cant take much more of any of this.i want my faith back & share it with somebody & to be my equal.

britt just please dont go back to your old ways you dont have me to get you out of trouble any more, you need to grow up. & kevin idk just do something right with your life & dont be like your sisters,we arent the greatest role models.

my friends..???..those i have no clue who they are anymore its just me. does anybody like me as there friend & not to their doormat. one true friend is all i ask for.but he died & ill never have another one expect a memory of a butterfly tattooed to my skin.

my love i went all wrong with that. yeah i screwed up..you deserve better. im not worthy of anything expect to be alone. i love you so much. i just cant take the pain you cause your self. idk if you see it or not but everytime you cut..your cutting me..just another one to my heart. there is no reason for it.  i cant live without you & i need you as much as you need me.  what the hell was i thinking with richard..he means nothing. i was so confused about charlie & i. but i guess that God put us to the test to see if we are meant to be & to show me how much i love him. all i could think about was charlie all i wanted was charlie when that guy kissed me..i wanted charlie to say i want you not the sex,the video games, the cutting ,or the porn. that he just wanted me, i want to be his first (and i was his first) and i want to be his last. i want him to be the last one to kiss me, hold my hand, cuddle with me, make love to me, and say i love you & just be the last one i spend the rest of my days with. & im sorry i wish he could see it in my eyes & hear it in my voice. & know it comes from deep within, i gave up alot for him. i just want everything to be ok between us.

i have lost so much weight & all i eat is supper. jeez i guess that doc was right i really am anoxeria. i know believe him. i finally admit it to myself. i want to be small no matter the cost & remove this pain im feeling from the world its self. its alot better than cutting or bruising myself up over something. those you can see but i can mask this..no body has noticed. another thing is i cant sleep at all especialy eat. i have no will power to do anything or feel anything expect emtional pain.

heres my new years..no tennis tourment since it will be raining. im not going to see my friends since lets see logan my ex will be there & so will richard. i wish those two would do back to being in the middle of the desert & leave me alone & stop causing me pain.  i hate them so much. they ruin everything. im stuck at my house alone with nobody expect me. im not worried about my so called friends they havent even noticed i was even here or invited me to hang out, brent has been my only friend to hangout with.

im going to sfa on the 3rd to get my money thing fixed with sfa & to get a job there in nac. im never coming back to this damn place ever again called kville, one way or another i am staying at sfa & finishing my degree, nobody will stop me. everybody can kiss my ass.

i think thats about it to this journal entry, im tired now so im going to bed & we shall see what tomorrow holds.