these are the best days of our lives

Lists all of the journal entries for the day.

Sun, 14 Jun 2009

1:30 PM - seriously? I think im a wreck.

I dont know what i want, and i hate this more then anything. I feel alot of pressure from hunter and i dont like that. Like for me to make choices, or tell people how i feel about him, but its like sometimes i dont know how i feel, and when i say i dont know i really mean it. I cant explain it, or anything im feeling, i thought i got rid of sam from my dreaming but i had one last night and i realized he called me this morning, i was all happy too.. like oh my god sam called me. I dont like that, it could have been one of his friends, or maybe he was high or something, or maybe he called to make fun of me, like jeremy did.. why cant they leave me alone, im not happy, im confused, and i think im freeking out, i want to go home, where i can just clean my room, and try to feel better, i want space from people. I want to go home, and pretend like everythings ok, Jesus, why did i let myself get so attacthed for sam, and why couldnt i see how much i did feel about him when i had him. I mean i dont regret what i did, ido think i need time, i mean this is messing me up, I dont want to be honest about whats going through my head, as i pretend, because honestly i dont want to face that, to believe it. I hate to hurt hunter, but what else can i do ? I am so not ready for anything, and im going to stick with being alone for a long time, i cant deal with haveing anyone there, because this is how i am, im a wreck and im confuseing i go from happy, to not wanting them at all. I cant do this, its not fair to anyone, why Does he have to like me? I wish he liked rose enough, since she likes him, and they could be happy and it would be so easy, and maybe he only thinks he likes me.

I want to go home, i want to put all my clothes away, and get ready for AMA i want to watch videos o n my  computer, and i want to be away from All of them here. They make me mad, there like jeremy, i dont even know why im letting people get to me, thats not me. Lately I have been so confused, and so far from acting like myself, im not thinking, im not feeling right. I want to go home. My mom wont take me until tuesday and she does not get it. Its not fair. Im old enough to be on my own for two days and technically one since i want to have a sleep over with lizz and rose. Its not like Sams going to come over, because it would be more likely that I got hit by a helicoptor. Why did he call me? He deleted his blog. I think it wont come back this time, because i siad i did not want to read it. I do want to .. i just shouldnt. MAybe this is good. I can take a break from him completly.. except in my dreams and i need space there too. I actually had three dreams, and the two of them were awsome, in the third one

I was a little boy, and i was hideing from  this man in the doorway killing all the people there, i didnt know his purpose or why he was doing this but apparently he could not see me. He found me eventually, and when he want to shoot me, it was like i could put things in slow motion, and i caught his bullet, and then i looked up and time un froze and he was amazed, then i tolded him what i discovered and he throw glass at me, i choopped alll the peices in half, it was fun. 

My 1st dream was cool too, Hunter was in this one, and so was vittoria .  and a few other extreme people. We would go into old places, Oh but before that there was two random boys who were little but they like .. new how to get it on. And they were gay. Anyways that faded, into me and the others, and we would go into old places, with spirites that had been abonded, or just places, and we would close the door, and suddenly we were in that place, but in a different dimension . Where we could see the super natural. But there would also be what was of the place and we would get free things, ONe place we all had to ride out of, its like riding into a circle of light i had no where to go so i rode with vittoria but when we went through the circle Her bike split into two, of the exact same bike.. so then we were each rdeing one and i didnt share one with her anymore.

3rd dream was with Sam mostly anyways, i cant remember much of it but it was like we were friends, and he went with me to this movie thing, that was just like the boys from the fair i went to. We just talked and did whatever the whole time, i could still remember though how we were, but i didnt bring it up because i liked what was happenening, maybe he was doing that too.

I dont know what im doing, i dont know where im going, I want to be at home .

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8:27 PM - My pass time

Where is My positivity, my hopefull happy veiw on life? Why does it have to be such a challenge to keep? Like i dont understand it why do we have to work to be happy, when we should have to work for sadness, if that makes sense? I went home for a little, because i think i had like a mini break down. I almost cried. ALmost. Sam called me, again while i was at my house, I didnt want to answer, but that was twice he called me, so i figured i should, He told me that he deleted his blog and it had nothing to do with me and it was for the best, like hell it was, since when does what best even matter ? No one takes consideration of whats best.
 
And the whole reason of his blog started with me, He kept it on there because i wanted him to, and then Isnt it convienent that after i post about how difficult it is for me to read his blogs he deletes it? I just find it hard to believe it did not have anything to do with me but he kept trying to make that clear, all i siad was ok. The whole time, was just.. mk. k . sure. I wish i could have siad more.
 
From my free time, i try to convince myself im happy, what am i complaining about, but then i think if i was happy why would i even think about thinking im happy? ISnt that already a form of questioning my state ? Here i am overthinking, just as a pass time. I wish i new what i needed to do, or what to do, i need somone to understand with me, and not find me as a horrible person, i feel like i am, like i just have to go and Completely Murder every good thing that trys to happen in my life, and then i feel like im just letting people down, because i probably am.
 
I should mention that hunter kissed me. I kissed him back too, I dont know what i think. BAsically what I have already siad, that i dont know, I want someone in the same situation Or was in the same place, who feels how i do, who i can talk to and connect with just because its nice to know someone else understands. HOw can anyone help me if they dont know whats wrong? If i dont even know whats wrong?  I looked at my horoscope today and it siad that i should talk to friends about my troubles because they can help. The closest person to understaning would be vittoria because shes had her share of boy issues, but because she reads this, and maybe this makes more sense then i think, maybe theres an obvious outlit to whats happening. I dont want to Talk to hunter, because hes involved. Theres vittoria.
 
But Shes makeing new friends, like Jaysens group, and then Eryn. Like there all much happier, and silly then me, I dont want to feel like im competeing and i know im Her bff, because we have been bff's for a long time. I just wish i could be like her other friends a little too.
 
I am not myself see, usually i would not even consider something like that because im so happy with who i am, Even if i am not happy. My personality Is down, just like the res of me, i cant stand my emotions going back and forwth, like I would rather just have one emotion, all the time and go from there, not One day be soo happy, and the next be wishing i was someone else. Its messed up. I Wish i was dreaming, because i never to limit myself when i am dreaming, but i always limit myself when im awake. Im afriad of failing, and then i just limit myself in other ways, with what i say and how i act, but i have to because if i went around doing everything i wanted too.. well then there would be chaos everywhere, so thats not such a bad thing, its only bad with certain things.
 
I sam still going to read my blog? ? With his gone, maybe he had the same issue as me, and it didnt help him to be seeing what i was up to, i am a hard person to follow, either that or he has no interest in my life any more, and that could be very possible to. Either way i would like to know if he is, So i guess if he does not comment This then i know. Knowing is better.  This is my past time of being here, god i hope my computer at home is not fried from lightning or something? Did i turn it off?
 
Im probably makeing everything worse for myself, when i went home for a little, during my break down, i had nothing to do while my laundry was going, so i read my old journal, the one thats actually written down, IT was this time last summer, till the end of summer. Summer. Was it as care free as it seems? Or has everything really been difficult its just how i chose to look at things. Thats all any emotion is isnt it? a perspective, on how you take things, How you see whats going on .
 
I read about how sam would come over in the mornings, before and i remembered how pissy allison would be, How her silly reasoning for things made me a little more light hearted, and i laughed at how simply i put things, i rushed through things because i had to write them down and it would hurt my hands after a while, there was no detail, and i come and look at these where i feel like if i read them in the future, it will be like re liveing, This time of my life. Every page, and Entry should be like that . I wish i had this though were there was more detail because there was not enough, But there was a little, to wear i can remember what i did, but not enough to know exactly what i was feeling. It was not that long ago, but it feels like it was, like it was.
 
Im excited for when we move into our house, we can bring yellow kitty, and i can pain my room, and i can have space. I can hopefully feel refreshed, i mean when im at the town house.. I think of sam more, because i feel like hes going to be outside, i keep thinkning, and pictureing all these things that would never happen, but i think they do, until i realize that it only happened in my head, And like i already siad i dont even want to type about them because im ashamed and if i talk about them it will only make me think of my situation worse.
 
So this is what it leads to me ranting about things that no one cares about, however i think i have run out, i mean i am the type of person who could keep dragging on the same thing if i really wanted to just re phaseing things that all come down to meaning the same thing. However i dont want to do that, I guess im out of my pass time.. Is it pathetic that lately i just feel like running? Like thats my only outlit for anything, but.. then i feel weird because people always seem to be in my way, by looking at me and then i feel awkward. ugh here i go on my pointless ranting. Thank you vittoria for that sketch book! haha

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