these are the best days of our lives

I was thinking about my dad, and i was thining about something i kind of just let slide, because even though i new it was true, i did not want to think about it, or to really acknoledge it at all, but i finally let it surface.

Some time when i went on a visit to Teannas with my dad One of them slipped up and siad something about my dads surgery, and i would have got nothing out of that, except that my dads expression went from light to a little hard, a little mini panic. Thats because they were not sopposed to have known eachother that long, but its all pretty obvious. Other then jessica this was the real deal breaker, teanna. If teanna was not around, did not exsist i think my dad would still be here, at my moms house, now i dont think thats a good thing, because they have bluffed on a divorice since i was like 5. I was so relieved when they finally got one, yeah im sad for my mom.. but she wanted it too. She doesnt even know, but she did and i hate how close minded she is being about it . I am happy that teanna showed up, because my dad was so miserable, i mean why would you want to stick around were you were always being yelled at? What i am not happy with, Is the way he handled everything, he completly neglected this family. The one he was married into. He'd stay on his computer, and talk on the phone with teanna for like an hour, after he got home, But he would always just sit in the car and stay there unless someone noticed and came outside to see why he was in the car, i did that one time and he just hung up the phone real fast. He used his surgery and before that he used the way they treated him as an excuse to suclude himself. And i really lost all respect for him, because ok so what, your being yelled at your the parent, i know jessicas sycotic, but ignoreing everything is no help, what about jaysen, and what about me? You can go hide in your other life while were stuck here, in the middled of an un resolved and very broken family . As it went on i was really really, angry with my dad, like i almost hated him, i hated both my parents. For simular reasons and that was because they never did anything. How can you do nothing? It really pissed me off and it still does, because i dont understand. They might have been stressed and had their own problems, but thats no excuse to just give up parenting. Im sorry, but that was not optional. I blame them for jaysen's drug use, I blame them for him not going to college, i blame then for the way jessica is too. Its like, they have always known something was wrong with her, and they just let her be that way. They new jaysen was useing, because i told them, It was obvious, and i was very serious, and they let him? they did not do anything, not even try to talk to him, I did, i did not know what to do so i tried to talk to him, and at this point, i was really hurting from this, i mean i was in like 6th grade, and i did not have the will power to really make my stand, this was not my stand to be standing alone, but i was alone, I did not know who i could talk to and have them understand, i look back on it, and i could have told anyone almost, becky, asked bonnie for advice, but at the same time i still dont see that as a good idea, because they might have gone to far with it, but i think they would have done what they thought appropriate, which was better then what my parents did, being nothing. Half the time when jessica had one of her little break downs.. which happened like everyday, they just sent her to beckys, because becky was there and wanted to help. She did her best until jessica was to much, one time becky had enough, I dont know what happened, no one other then jessica and becky know. Jessica was about to move in with becky comepletly and things were going better then they usually had, and im talking about like elementary school, but after we moved here, into the pebble creek house. so jessica had been at becks for like a week, she was about to start packing, next thing we knew becky and jessica come screaming through the door, becky was saying she was done and closed the door, and jessica just was being jessica.
I have drifted a little from where i started, Yes my father and mother completely useless. Year after year thats how it was, and i really thought most familys were like that, and then i met vittoria, and her mom was so scary but i was really jealous, because her mom cared so much.. yeah it annoyed vittoria, but I'd never learn some things, that vittoria would becuase her mom was there for her. That might sound silly, and stupid but who cares at this point...
And then i met kelseys Family, and that was so nice. Her mom and dad couldnt have loved her more, and yeah they would argue sometimes, but if you never argued with someone you lived with then that alone is very scary. They were all happy and i loved so much to be there, at either one of their houses, because it was just nice. In 7th grade i went on a babysitting trip with my neighbors, and they were all so happy, and i was happy to just be with them, like i siad why would i want to surround myself with negative people by choice? And It was so nice, to be at kaylas like everyday from the end of 4th grade to 6th grade. I could never forget about kayla because was really my first escape. :)
Eventually when the divorice finally went through, or well the seperation and my dad moved out, He had enough of them and wanted more of teanna, no perverted things intended. (ew)
When i moved out things were sketchy at first, i only took things that i had time to pack, Only things i really wanted with me. I did not get my coputer there until almost the end of that summer, We procrastenated that, getting all my furniture. It made me angry, because jessica wanted to live there? THey hate eachother. ALways have. Never have they gotten along, only when she wanted something. SO that really made me mad, she only wanted it because i wanted it. My mom had a break down, Clearly, but she had been takeing deppressent medacine for a long long time. Way before teanna even came into the picture. She was not happy, My dad was not happy, Jessica is never happy, jaysen found his escape, and i found mine with kayla, and who ever else. So if no one was happy, why was it so bad to finally try to change something, when so clearly that was not going to ever get better, only worse.
And instant improvement hit, my grades were better in school, and i was doing better, i did not even know that something could be that nice. like.. i cant even explain the relief, and the new feeling, like i did not know things were tha bad until i got away from it. I put behind me everything i felt for my dad, which was only anger, and annoyance, and there was some awkwardness but that was worth it, and i could see he was really trying to make up what he had lost. He's trying so i can try to forgive him to, and i dont think i have, becuase i just put it behind me. And pretended it never happened, I can almost positivly say that my dad cheated on my mom, and yeah thats messed up, cheating is wrong he should have handled things with his first family before takeing off. Physically his apperance was here, well locked away at work or his room, but he was here, EMotionally he was not any where close. Even though he was Unhappy, miserable and ageing through stress, he still should have done things in such order. It only makes me mad that he trys to act like he did nothing, Even if he had his reasons, he did that, and he needs to be responsible . But in a happier more present day note, he has been there now, or at least hes trying.

I understand, Why im so confused, why im filled with negative and positive feelings, because i realized this yesterday I was so happy and confident and It felt like me and hunter were already a couple, but then i read sams blog. Why do i do that to myself? IT only makes me upset to see what he has to say. Why could i have not been content with what i had, When it was so perfect it was scary, i did have issues with sam being with in only one perspective all the time, with him being close minded, but He loved me, shouldnt that be enough. Is there going to be something, better, i dont know if i will ever be that comfortable with someone, but it was just too soon, im to young to be in something like that. I still am un happy with myself, for not being able to be content, and i am so clearly not over with sam. I cant be content knowing that hes doing drugs, i mean thats all he has to look up for. Pathetic. No shit he has a problem, and i hope he has not done ectasy, because it can be addictive. Just like anything else can be, things dont need some chemical to be addictive, you can mentaly be addicted to something, to a feeling even. Scary.
I did not think i let myself get that close to sam, i thought i kept to myself enough, but i really didnt, i hate that i have only realized this now. I really think i loved him.. Im so attached and i cant seem to just let him go, I still read his blog i need to, its like my own addiction, then again i Have to post my own, and i liek to read vittorias and hunters too, but sams hits me the worst. Sometimes i am a bad michelle, and i imagine, if i just went back with sam, just so he could love me, and i would like him enough, that i could make him happy, and maybe he wouldnt do drugs anymore, and he would be my friend, But i dont know if i could be happy, only knowing that samm is all i have really felt for, i cant know what i want if i have not found out what i dont want. What do i have to compare that too, when im with hunter, its like.. WHy are we not going out yet? It feels like we are? I liked feeling like a couple with him, i liked it alot.. But i get home and i let sam get to me, SO thats when i realized how sudden that changed my emotion, I dont think i am over sam yet, because i still wonder..
I'm stuck in between, feeling like i need him, and feeling like i dont want him, i can't decide if i would rather be content with him, or rather not feel anything for him at all, If i could possibly pick one or the other would i ? Maybe i like being here, even if i am so confused, I feel like i need to pick either one i dont like the middle, and i hate this because i want to be with hunter, but i can not do that until Im so done with sam, because all the emotions at once are too much for me, it leaves me feeling explosive, like i need to cry not because im sad, not because im happy, but because i want to be rid of to much emotion, im not used to this. I dont want hunter, to BE just waiting for me either, I wish he liked some one else. I wish sam did too, so i could just.. I dont know figure this out. BUt i dont even know what im figureing out. I don't think it is fair to hunter because he has to keep waiting for me, i want him to be open to other people, if he is not with me officially if he wants, i dont want to make him, like un avalible. I have to though, well i have to wait to see what i want, i thought i would be REady by AMA but i dont think i will be, maybe i will, my emotions go up and down, like what am i to do other then try to take time and clear my mind.

Why cant i let this go?
Why couldn't i be content with what was?

I couldn't say i hate jessica enough. So it was just your typical jessica trying to be controling, like shes my mom and i have had enough, for some reason the pretending was not good enough for me today, but in closer detail.
So i was talking to my mom, not jessica my mom, about Helping them clean the house, sure i should do it for free, but thats what i usually do, and at this point i want money for AMA.. and she siad that thats fine, (since she usually pays jessica to clean, even though she does shit, and shes the one who makes the mess in the first place, i mean seriously. ) So then jessica jumps in with, "we have no money, she shouldnt have to pay you to clean" .. and i mean sure she has a point, but this is not her conversation, and with jessica this statment is different then if anyone else siad it, First of all...jessica never does anything for free, she has to gain something, other then the thrill of being nice. second of all.. Jessica only cares abotu spending money when it is not on her. Its not her money to spend, but she acts like it is, if i want something, even the tiniest of thing, she goes off and me and then two minuetes later she will ask for something and its ok. SO that annoyed me, and then we got into a verbal arguement, because I was like, ok i wasnt talking to you, and your really one to talk . You never work unless you get paid, and then shes like you never do anything, and that pisses me off. I have not done anything recentlly because i dont live here, why should i have to clean up after them? But when i did live here i would help my mom clean for things, while she does it for money i wouldnt, and she never would give me any credit.. but i would always be the one doing most of the work, you have no idea how frustrating that is, If im not getting paid, the lest she could give me was some credit. Free of charge. I knew this conversation would not go any where, because it happens alot, because of all the things i let her say, and let them slide that is not one, i wont some freeking appreciation. Look at your house. How can you say i make the mess, when it was already here? What is a year not long enough for me to have been gone? I mean donnt tell me that this is my mess from last year.

(haha shes trying to get in the house, i locked her out, but we'll get there in a minuete, Surprisingly shes thin enough to Fit through the window, hm its a tight fit. )

SO i just finally, shut up, and i was like.. mom? seriously... your trying to talk to me, your just going to let her but in. Your the Adult.. stop just fucking sitting there, Why do you think you have no damn authority, because YOU do this!! you dont do anything.

Eventually she shut up, and i went on, SHe was about to write down a list of things i could do, I am tired of wasteing my time, and i have nothing better to do here, other then blog, and im not in the mood to actually do anything other then play the sims, because i want to so bad, so nothing else is worth it even though i dont even have the sims yet.
Thats when my mom siad something out loud, and oh god jessica thinks i dont know what it means to clean and starts filling me in on every little thing, like OH AND you have to do this and this and this.. and im sitting there, liek your not mom, and yeah that all follows in the same room, and it was really pissing me off, so i told her to stop talking and that if she didnt i was going to punch her in the face. She kept going about how i cant do things right and more blah blah no shit information, SO i got up, and she through her legs at me, like that was really going to do anything, and i punched her in the face, but i could only really reach her, forhead, hair line area. Then that dumbass throws her phone, like thats really going to do anything to me, and it hit the lamp, the pretty blue one, and it shattered, i mean i told her i was going to punch her did she not believe me, i told her more then once. She should have believed me, and damn did that feel so much better then it does in my head. She has not taken responsibility, for breaking the lamp and she wont. Its ridiculous. God, I hate jessica, if i can come close to expressing that emotion, thats the closest i will ever get .
Then she ran away like the little sissy she is, Like she always has done, she runs away while im here, enjoying the space with out her.
You can push me, but eventually it will be to far, were all time bombs, waiting to go off. And then just re set ourselves, its how it is.
My wrist hurt, and so it was worth it. The idiot, complained like OHH MY HEADS BLEEDING. please, you dont bleed from being punched, not by me.. i mean i know im buff and all but not that buff, and i did not have a clear shot, but i did get her good, it hurt my wrist . The only time i would believe anythign was bleeding would be if i hit her in the nose. not the forhead.. i wanted her eye or her nose, thats what i was aiming for but her legs got in the way. Stupid dramatic there was no blood. She acted as if it were all over her hand like she could even see her head if there was, i mean there was none on her hands. Amuseing.
I was so raged though, i wish i could have punched her so much more, isnt that horrible. Like they do in movies, The way they just beat someone up, i never got how people could be like that? Just beat somone, but Being so angry.. well its not that hard to want to just beat someone senseless.
I called vittoria, i needed to call someone, hunter or vittoria but vittoria is on speed dile. And i did not want hunter to think of me as a dramatic sychotic or something.
She calmed me down a bit, She made me el oh el. But my phone died on her, so darn.


I want to go home.

The last post was confuseing, sorry. I am so confused. Sam posted in his blog thing, good luck to hunter... Yes good  luck.

 

Alright what i ment when i siad i wish hunter liked someone else, is because i hate to think im putting him in this stuck situation, i mean if hes ok with waiting for me then thats wonderful, im actually feeling better agin about AMA.. i just know when we go out im going to be for sure, and its not that i want to be with sam.. i mean i broke up with him because i was no happy, Its just i care so much about sam. I wish i did not. I do. Like When i got back with sam, thinking he could be happy and i could be content, that did not work. I couldn't be content, i was for a while, i was so happy, happier then ever, i wish that had lasted. I mean i dont want sam like i want Hunter. I see sam more as a close relative now, that sounds weird i know, i mean people dont make out with their relatives....well not people around here. I obviously did not see him like that when we were dateing but now its like, im not physically attracted to him, but i care about him, i dont want to date him, but i dont want Him to be out of my life, and at the same time i do. I dont want to feel this way. I feel so sure about hunter when sams out of my way. I think this helped me, its that when im alone, I think about hunter (=, I think about being happy, and i dont think about sam. I think about hunter, with my friends, and with him. The only time i get messed up is when i read sams blog, because i dont like what i am reading. I dont like that hes mad at me, i dont like that He does bad things, and i dont like anything about it. nothing.  and then i get confused as to why i care so much, but atlest now i understand. Im over sam as my boyfriend, but not over him to where i can just.. NOt be effected by anything.

 

I was on the phone with hunter.. and i think im more comfortable with hunter then i thought. Im deffinitly much more attracted to him then i was with sam. haha thats scary . xD . I just feel bad for brining him down with me, I really hate that im so confusing, that i dont make much sense. I like talking to hunter, haha hes being all cute, since he knows im not a phone person, but its like.. i dont mind, i want to talk to you :) . I talked for him a little over an hour, and thats crazy for me. Im so excited for AMA and shareing an Air matress with him. At one point he was on the phone, He was humming, and i was falling asleep, and i really like thought he was right next to me, and i realized that this was all in my head so then i made it more entertaining by haveing him touch my face while he was humming me to sleep haha. >.> i feel like such a freek with this stuff, but im so happy with these thoughs, and im so sure.

 

I dont think i want to read sams blog any more. I dont like it, and it makes me upset and confused, its hard to not read it , but vittoria reads them.. so i think if she just tells me the basic stuff that will be ok, it doesnt effect me like that .

 

Sam had posted in his blog, 

 

 

Well To be exact i never siad i didnt want a boy friend for a couple of years, i did say for a while though.. but thats what i thought i felt.. And i so clearly, want hunter. I am sorry though, for how confusing i am. I dont want to make things complicated for hunter, i dont think im that difficult usually im much more chill, i  have just been slightly lost latley, but i think its makeing sense now, now that i atlest know the root to my conflicting emotions, but i do know.. what i think about most, and most positively.