these are the best days of our lives

 Lunch yesterday was stressful. i was already freaked out for playing later with varsity, but my sister decided to be ignorant and say you made mom cry blah blah. Im sorry, i told my mom i don't want to live with you, but im not going to lie. i refuse to live with jessica because she can be so mean, or just stupid and she wouldn't listen to what i was trying to say she just stuck with her OH YOU MADE MY CRY.. yet i am sure she makes my mom upset every other day. she's just stupid. and then i have been thinking about my brother a lot. and he has nothing left really. nothing. he isnt going to college. he has no interests. just empty. 

Yes i feel bad for leaving my mom, and then telling her no i dont want to move back in. but im doing better here. My grades are better. and thats what i need. People need to be selfish somtimes. they need to be happy before then can help someone else be happy, and sometimes thats just going to hurt someone around you. but to an extent being selfish is a nessasary, i mean how can you take care of one if you cant care for yourself? 

Playing soccer was better then expected. I didnt start, but that was obvious. however i played over half the game and i was happy with that, i didnt expect to play that much, but i did! and i didnt fuck up completly. i did alright. and i held my ground back there on defense, made some nice passes. im not going to lie its easier and less frustrating to play with people on that level, when i play with JV i get soo annoyed, they dont space out, and they will still run at me though i have the ball. give me a chance and back the fuck up. i can tell you that you wont get the ball from me if your close, if you want me to pass to you then run. 

 this week has been emotionaly difficult, all i can do is my projects, i like the more free written ones where can create a diary entry, or a news paper article for this research project were doing in english. Theres my projects, and then soccer. Soccer has been alright, i stress out to much though like i always have.  My moms been loosing it again latley, my mom and Omar. Omar needs help. i cant give him any, all i can do is listen but my responses are almost like im not talking at all because omar has is mind set, like any other depresent the words that are spoken arn't really heard because they can only think of one thing. and that thing is the deppression itself.

Even if they do listen its not being took in. and i dont want omar to do somthing stupid. he thinks about it all the time. and i cant handle it i cant handle omar being sad, my mom and dad constantly trying to put me in the middle of whats going on. becuase i dont belong there. Everything always has to come back to me, with  my mom its like a full time investigation 

"well whats he doing this weekend" "is he with teanna" "hes going to ohio isnt he" and it goes on. then she gets mad because she thinks im telling him information about her. its not like he cares thats shes going out with her friends? its not like im telling some secret. but hey apparently because she doesnt know what hes doing she cant have her hang outs reveled. so excuse me. 

And here my dad comes and shows me the texts my mom and sister send, and yeah there mean . tonight he showed me apparently my mom some how knows teannas there, we went out to eat tonight after my game with my aunt becky and my brother and sister, and she dropped me off at my house, its not like they were in site, they wern't even here at that moment, so how she knows i dont know. i dont care and i dont care about the fucking hate mail. 

And like somtimes i just dont know about sam. i kinda want that break. i need to just do my own thing right now. i feel trapped. and thats not how i should feel, but sams everything, hes wonderful and so sweet to me, its not fair i dont want to hurt him. but what can i do? isnt this unfair? i just go back and forth from liking sam and then thinking about what would have happened if i kept with our break up. I dont want him reading this but he will. i just cant handle, i dont want to deal with this stuff, but how can i let it go. omars my friend. my mothers deppressed as well, and my dads off with teanna, how cant i feel the slightest bit of betrayal. i should be doing what i want .being seflessy happy, but i cant i cant without feeling guilty like i have betrayed my mom, by excepting teanna. excepting all the possibilities, im not preting shes going to be my mom. i have a mom. im not betraying her. im trying to protect her from loosing it liek she had before. From getting to that point. i need space. i need time. i need to calm down. and i need to breathe. 

 yeah so a police man come over, pretty crazy shit. Teanna was saying how money was missing from her bag they had been searching for it all over the place when i found a bag in my room, it wasnt mine, so i asked if it was theirs and it wasnt thats when the fun began, they looked through it and it was some kids, that was his school bag it has all his information in it. including the address its kreepy to know some kid was in my room. i dont liek that this is my space. anyways once i found that and we found out that some kid was here, and my dad made sure kayla and brittney didnt have anyone over, cause almost all of today no one was home. So , no one knows anything . the police came over, took down our basic information and just left to go talk to the kid, since he lives in the next complex over.  

 It's 2:45 the baby takes his 1st breath
the mother never knew he only had a few left
the father gets a call in the middle of the night
his breath gets short and his chest gets tight

But he's 16 and he's driving too fast
takes a turn to the left, it would be his last
the body knows what happens if he turns to the right
the body in the car wouldn't die that night

But he's 32 and invincible
the cancer he had it was visceral
he never saw it coming
but he had his own life
sick in the morning and he died in the night

We're all so
We're on the line
We're all, we’re all
We're wasted, no no no
We're all wasted
We're wasted, no no
We're all wasted

He's 7 years old, got his bat in his hand
he’s looking for his father and he doesn't understand
'coz dads too busy he's got some deals on the way
his son sits alone as the children play

And he's 18 he couldn't wait to move out
his parents wonder what all the rush is about
they never bothered with his dreams only thinking of theirs
wonder's why he doesn't call and why he doesn't care

But he's 32 and invincible
everything he is based on principle
he never had a truly happy moment in his life
he didn't want the kids and he didn't want his wife

We're wasted, no no no
We're all wasted
We're wasted, no no
We're all wasted
We're wasted
We're all wasted
We're all wasted, no no
We're all wasted

23 now, got his life in his hands
he's looking all around and he doesn't understand
'coz life's too busy, things get in the way
we all feel alone every single day

18 couldn't wait to move out
it's been five years and now he's starting to doubt
weather all my dreams are just aimless stares
looking out to someplace that isn’t there

when i'm 32 and i'll be miserable
everything around based on principle
well, i had a clue, wouldn't it be nice
to never be alone in this wasting life

We're wasted, no no no
We're all wasted
We're wasted, no no no
We're all wasted
We're wasted
We're all wasted
We're wasted, no no
We're all wasted