9:33 PM - depression
this week has been emotionaly difficult, all i can do is my projects, i like the more free written ones where can create a diary entry, or a news paper article for this research project were doing in english. Theres my projects, and then soccer. Soccer has been alright, i stress out to much though like i always have. My moms been loosing it again latley, my mom and Omar. Omar needs help. i cant give him any, all i can do is listen but my responses are almost like im not talking at all because omar has is mind set, like any other depresent the words that are spoken arn't really heard because they can only think of one thing. and that thing is the deppression itself.
Even if they do listen its not being took in. and i dont want omar to do somthing stupid. he thinks about it all the time. and i cant handle it i cant handle omar being sad, my mom and dad constantly trying to put me in the middle of whats going on. becuase i dont belong there. Everything always has to come back to me, with my mom its like a full time investigation
"well whats he doing this weekend" "is he with teanna" "hes going to ohio isnt he" and it goes on. then she gets mad because she thinks im telling him information about her. its not like he cares thats shes going out with her friends? its not like im telling some secret. but hey apparently because she doesnt know what hes doing she cant have her hang outs reveled. so excuse me.
And here my dad comes and shows me the texts my mom and sister send, and yeah there mean . tonight he showed me apparently my mom some how knows teannas there, we went out to eat tonight after my game with my aunt becky and my brother and sister, and she dropped me off at my house, its not like they were in site, they wern't even here at that moment, so how she knows i dont know. i dont care and i dont care about the fucking hate mail.
And like somtimes i just dont know about sam. i kinda want that break. i need to just do my own thing right now. i feel trapped. and thats not how i should feel, but sams everything, hes wonderful and so sweet to me, its not fair i dont want to hurt him. but what can i do? isnt this unfair? i just go back and forth from liking sam and then thinking about what would have happened if i kept with our break up. I dont want him reading this but he will. i just cant handle, i dont want to deal with this stuff, but how can i let it go. omars my friend. my mothers deppressed as well, and my dads off with teanna, how cant i feel the slightest bit of betrayal. i should be doing what i want .being seflessy happy, but i cant i cant without feeling guilty like i have betrayed my mom, by excepting teanna. excepting all the possibilities, im not preting shes going to be my mom. i have a mom. im not betraying her. im trying to protect her from loosing it liek she had before. From getting to that point. i need space. i need time. i need to calm down. and i need to breathe.