these are the best days of our lives

i guess latly i have been thinking alot. Thinking alot about getting stuck in this boring system becoming routine like a already have. I mean when i change classes at school i just feel so out of control, and so mechanical that it makes me sad. i dont want to be some machine that just does whatever is told. Does whatever has to be done, and i'm not the only one. But we just cant let ourselves caught up on this fear itself because it wont do anything but bring it closer.. we just gota do whatever we want and do whats under out lil power right now. Just remeber who we are, because latly it seems i have almost forgotten.

Then theres sam. Sam who has found a new interest with trying different drugs and stuff, hes wanted to do acid for a year now, i didnt mind really at first but now its worse, and i do feel that hes drifting. i mean we cant even hang out that often because were both busy, being with different crowds.  but i have invited him to hang out were ever i'm going.. but he doesnt want to feel awcward so i guess thats ok. I still love sam and all. He's sweet. but im worried. i watched my brother and i dont want to be with sam if hes going to change to, i dont want to be a witness to it. but im not going to tell him hes not aloud or somthing because i dont want to. i want him to do what he wants, but to just be careful. and im happy to hear that he likes this girl named christina a little. i mean im not but i am. im glad that he does because i dont know whats happeening and stuff right now. i'll have to get back to you on that explanation. and then im not happy well for the obvious so its pretty even, well sam is picking me up early this morning so i have to get ready . 

Ok the text below in blue is Sams online Journal post. 

=( i like my friend christina a little bit.  i discovered that when i went to new york with her.   i had liked her a little too last year, before i went out with shell.  but its not likea huge crush.  like 1-2 on a scale of 10.  like if a stranger was 0 and shell was 10.  so its not anything at all really, but i still feel bad.  i dont wanna like anyone else but michelle.  i debated whether or not to tell her for a few days.   i didnt wanna tell her because i thought she might be upset.  also the fact that when we broke up it was in part because she liked someone besides me.   that made me scared.  but she asked me and i couldnt lie to her so i told her =/  and i do feel better for getting it out.  i dont want her to tell people but she said she wants to so whatever.  i just dont want it to get around, and it doesnt matter anyway.  it cant grow or anything because i barely talk to/see christina.

also, i think michelle isnt happy about my drug use.  her brother is really into drugs and she doesnt want to see that happen to me.  i very rarely ever do any drugs, like i smoke when people offer to me (once every couple months?), and ive tripped benadryl a couple times.   i told her i would stop for her and she said she didnt want me to make any choices based on her.  love is sometimes about sacrifice, and im willing to cut out a little high sometimes to make her happy.

michelle also said in her most recent blog, something like "i dont know whats happening to sam"  she always says little things that make me not stop thinking until i get to talk to her, like this.  ive been freaking out all day and ive been really sad.   im a little paranoid shes gonna break up with me again.  that phrase makes me think ive changed and i dont know it, and she doesnt always talk to me about stuff so i never know for sure whats going on.

i would understand if shell left me though; i really am a bad friend and a bad boyfriend.  i never took into consideration what she would think if i did drugs. i never thought oh this might upset michelle i shouldnt do it.  and i feel like no matter what i do i cant make her as happy as her other friends can, and i try really hard to.  she also said that we are drifting since were not really in the same group of friends anymore, and were both busy often.  i thought we were gonna have a sleepover saturday night but shes going to hunters.  she said i could come but idk i dont really want to, because she doesnt pay attention to me much when were in groups.  and i dont care about seeing anyone but her so i think id just be sad if i went.  but i get to see her tommorow =) but only for a few hours like usual. 

i feel like theres more to say but i cant think of anything.  i hate myself for hurting the person i love more than anything.

ohh another thing that i havent been able to stop thinking about: she said too that she was kinda happy i like christina because she doesnt know whats happening to me? i have no idea what that means and i am scared.

Then I got home and instant messaged him about soccer and whats going  on. Im Skyinthecloud007 and he is ihatyuosmae (this is just because im lazy ) 

ihatyuosmae: hey
ihatyuosmae: read my blog please
SkyInTheCloud007: kk
ihatyuosmae: cant talk atm
ihatyuosmae: yeah i can now
ihatyuosmae: :P
ihatyuosmae: how was your game?