Razi's Journal

Ok there is not a whole lot to write. I am just trying to learn so many things at one time it is almost impossible to keep everything straight. Plus I am studying so that I can get done with my schooling early. I have piled up on so many things in my life it is unbelievable how hard it is to keep everything straight. 

There is so much that I have to do and I have so little time to do it all in. I really think that I am loosing my mind. There are times when I just want to sit down and cry and then there are other times when I just want to yell at someone and say "Look I am still here....Why can't you love me?" But that will never happen so I really do not know what I am crying about. 

I just have to go on with the new life that I have chosen for myself and forget about my parents as they must have forgotten about me. Other then the money that they send me each month and remind me to be a good girl for them and they will be home soon. They have been saying that since I was 14 and I am 22 now. I really do not think that they are ever coming home. I just wish I knew what I had done to make them not want me.

I don't remember doing anything wrong. But I must have done something, why else would they leave and never come back. I wish they would tell me so that I would know what to think.

I will communicate with complete honesty my needs, desires, limits, and experience. I realize that failing to do so will not only prevent my Master and I from having the best experience possible, but can also lead to physical and emotional harm. I will not try to manipulate my Master. I will not push to make a scene go the way I feel it should. I will keep an open mind about trying things that I am not accustomed to or comfortable with and expanding my limits.

I will continue to grow as a slave and as a human being. I will accept the responsibility of discovering what pleases my Master, and will do my best to fulfill His wishes and desires. I will not allow myself to be harmed or abused, I know that slave does not equal "doormat".

I will be courteous and helpful to my fellow slaves, I will share my knowledge and experiences with others in the hope that they will learn from where I have been I will take the time to help those new to the scene start out on the correct path.

I will be responsive to my Master, I will not try to hide what my mind and body are feeling so that I may assist Him in His responsibilities as my Authority, I know that Dominants are not telepathists, and will not expect my Master to know thought or feelings which I do not share. I will never think myself a "better" slave because I choose to submit on a different level than another. I will not be boastful of experiences I have had as a slave. I know that my actions reflect upon my Master, and will do my best to help others see him in a positive way, I will not intentionally embarress or displease my Master.

Above all, I will wear my title of slave with honor, I will never cause others to think that being slave means to be weak or sub~human. I will take pride in who and what I am, and will never show myself in a negative way.
~Author unknown~ 
 

Welcome to this one Journey This one had to go into the hospital this weekend to have some test run to find out why girl keeps getting headaches. So now she is waiting for the results of the tests that is the hardest part. It seems that lately this one is spending a lot of time at the hospital. Two weeks ago girl was there cause she fell off the stage and hurt her back. Thank goodness there was nothing broken. Girl did not think so but her boss the owner of the club made her go and gave her the rest of the weekend off which girl spent at the library studying so that she can retake her exam on Wednesday. This one cannot wait until she is finally done with school and can start working at a normal job like normal people. It is hard to have any friends when you work where girl does. They think the life is glamorous but they do not want to take you home to meet their parents or even hang around with their other friends. So one ends up spending alot of time alone or with couples who really do not care what this one does for a living. Girl does have one friend and she has had this friend since they were both in elementary school which is really kinda neat. She used to be shorter then me now she is way taller then this one and she keeps asking girl when she is going to grow up. Well she used to until her husband told her that he thought it bothered this one when she would tease this one about her height. Girls friend asked her if it did and this one nodded yes that it did. Then girls friend punched her in the arm lightly and said then you should have told me. Girl told her that it was just her way and that this one was used to it. Now this one tells her friend everything even the things that she does that bothers this girl. Girls friend is going to be staying with this one until her husband and her can find work. Which is ok as this girl has more then enough room so she won't be all alone for a while. There is so much more girl could say but she is going to close this now so that she can take sometime to eat. Girl will write more tomorrow.

I am going to be making alot of updates to this journal as I have alot to add to it so please bear with me.

Razi is my name and what it means is  my secret

Girl has so many things to add to this blog that she has not really had the time to do so ....girl is going to try to do a update now quick so please be patient with this one as it is going to take some time. First of all I am very small....I stand 4ft and am 3in. tall....on the average I weigh 86lbs. I have long blonde hair and coal black eyes.

Second: I have been living by myself or with my housekeeper since my parents went on vacation when I was fourteen and never came back. Well not until the housekeeper passed then they came back long enough for the funeral and left again. The only thing my mother said to me at the time was " How old are you now randi?" I remember telling her that I was 22yrs old. She just looked at me and said with a wicked look "You were not supposed to live that long"

Third : My housekeeper basically raised me as my parents would go on trips alot as I was growing up so I really did not miss them that much. I do remember though that I used to sleep in their bedroom when they would leave. Then as I got older I just took over their bedroom because I knew they were not coming back. Since my housekeeper passed I have found out that the woman I thought was my mother was not my mother. And that she hated me because I was a constent reminder that she could never give my father the child that he wanted. He had had an affair just before they got married. It was after they got married that he found out that my real mother was pregnant for me when she told him that if he did not take me she was going to adopt me out. But she did not see how that would happen as I was so small.

Fourth: I now have very little to do with my Father and his wife and have decided that she is going to make a life for herself with out them in the picture. I am not sure how they are going to feel about it but then I really do not care. I have been going online lately and have found that there are really quite a few nice people there. And they all warn me about the dangers of the internet and to be careful even with them. I find that I can talk to them and they seem to understand, they do not care that I am small or that I have issues with my health. Oh not like most people, mine are that I have no health issues. Specialists say that because I am so short I should have alot of health issues but I don't. I never had childhood diseases and I don't think I have ever had a cold.

Fifth: What everyone does not realize is that I do have a illness it is a illness that cannot be detected rightaway it takes time but when it is it is one that can kill the very soul. It is called Loneliness and it is so heartbreaking that sometimes girl lays in bed and just cries. She don't know what to do she sometimes prays that she will die as it is so hard to not be able to be loved. If anyone ever thought they did not want to be loved they were wrong to think so. As the loneliness is killing this one. That is the sad thing the doctors cannot figure out why I keep loosing weight and why I have black circles under my eyes, they have told me that I am dying and they do not know why. I know why, The only person who ever loved me died. I am alone for the first time in my life and I know I have no one that will love me.

Sixth: I am so tired of all the tests that they keep running that I have decided to stop having them run. It is my life and it is my time to live my life the way that I want. I am going to get better, maybe I will move into a smaller place. Please ignore me today as for some reason I am getting depressed.