Razi's Journal

I am going to be making alot of updates to this journal as I have alot to add to it so please bear with me.

Razi is my name and what it means is  my secret

Girl has so many things to add to this blog that she has not really had the time to do so ....girl is going to try to do a update now quick so please be patient with this one as it is going to take some time. First of all I am very small....I stand 4ft and am 3in. tall....on the average I weigh 86lbs. I have long blonde hair and coal black eyes.

Second: I have been living by myself or with my housekeeper since my parents went on vacation when I was fourteen and never came back. Well not until the housekeeper passed then they came back long enough for the funeral and left again. The only thing my mother said to me at the time was " How old are you now randi?" I remember telling her that I was 22yrs old. She just looked at me and said with a wicked look "You were not supposed to live that long"

Third : My housekeeper basically raised me as my parents would go on trips alot as I was growing up so I really did not miss them that much. I do remember though that I used to sleep in their bedroom when they would leave. Then as I got older I just took over their bedroom because I knew they were not coming back. Since my housekeeper passed I have found out that the woman I thought was my mother was not my mother. And that she hated me because I was a constent reminder that she could never give my father the child that he wanted. He had had an affair just before they got married. It was after they got married that he found out that my real mother was pregnant for me when she told him that if he did not take me she was going to adopt me out. But she did not see how that would happen as I was so small.

Fourth: I now have very little to do with my Father and his wife and have decided that she is going to make a life for herself with out them in the picture. I am not sure how they are going to feel about it but then I really do not care. I have been going online lately and have found that there are really quite a few nice people there. And they all warn me about the dangers of the internet and to be careful even with them. I find that I can talk to them and they seem to understand, they do not care that I am small or that I have issues with my health. Oh not like most people, mine are that I have no health issues. Specialists say that because I am so short I should have alot of health issues but I don't. I never had childhood diseases and I don't think I have ever had a cold.

Fifth: What everyone does not realize is that I do have a illness it is a illness that cannot be detected rightaway it takes time but when it is it is one that can kill the very soul. It is called Loneliness and it is so heartbreaking that sometimes girl lays in bed and just cries. She don't know what to do she sometimes prays that she will die as it is so hard to not be able to be loved. If anyone ever thought they did not want to be loved they were wrong to think so. As the loneliness is killing this one. That is the sad thing the doctors cannot figure out why I keep loosing weight and why I have black circles under my eyes, they have told me that I am dying and they do not know why. I know why, The only person who ever loved me died. I am alone for the first time in my life and I know I have no one that will love me.

Sixth: I am so tired of all the tests that they keep running that I have decided to stop having them run. It is my life and it is my time to live my life the way that I want. I am going to get better, maybe I will move into a smaller place. Please ignore me today as for some reason I am getting depressed.