5:39 PM - peace is so far away from my mind
IT started with bad hair, and the frustration of everyother school day. By this time of year i am done. Im so sick of mornings, and im so sick of everyone, Sick of people not understanding because its impossible, Sick of drama because there is no drama, SIck of caring, Sick of trying to make everyone so damn happy...and you know whats even worse? is that i dont even know what i want.. what if i only want people to be happy.. somtimes i just feel like im here to please people, when its like i dont know what I really want. , im sick of Omar ranting to everyone, and when they take it wrong and get upset (im not talking about anyone specifically) but its like.. thats not nessasarly a negative thought, or maybe its just me, the insane kid who trys to make happy out of everything. I understand that no one can understand anyone completely because Thats just imposible, two indivisual people could be in an empty room, and there told to think about the color blue.. they both think there thinking about blue, and they both are.. but theres no way they would know if eacother had the exact same shade. theres to many different blues. To many ways one person thinks. Just thinking about how ITs impossible to not think of anything completly new, like completly original, because everything we think of is thought from somthing else and i used to think about this stuff all the time, but not recently it was back in middle school. like everything you think of has to work off of somthing you already have seen or you have heard of, yeah you might be able to picture a man with a foot for his eye and you have never seen it before, but you have seen a foot and you have seen a man.. No one can tell me they can think of soomthing so unbelievable that there has been nothing on it before, its IMPOSIBLE. and how i so hate that word.
Like everyone is this freekin world is always saying WHAT CANT BE DONE. YOU, michelle cant. you cant do this or that. Like a constant lets see how low we can bring this kids self esteeme. or even your parents, oh you'll never make it to that school.. well maybe just maybe if you started telling me what i could do. then maybe just maybe the world would see things so differently, why is it we all focus on what cant be done, were always telling eachother, when we could be encouraging, even if its encouragement we dont have. they way society thinks is messed up, and For me its mainly how negative people are, how negative and careless, and how stupid. but let me clerify on my term for stupid. ITs not someone who isnt educated, when there was no education offered. stupid is wasteing opertunities that are there, stupid is messing up your brain when its perfectly fine. Stupid is making those bad choices..that are so clearly bad. that is stupid. We all make mistakes.. but thats not the kind of thing im talking about.
Which brings me to third block. ALEGERBRA 2 . my only class with sam, and shelby sits on the other side of me at the table seating three. Im glad shelby found sams intoxicated self amusing. Im glad to see that this generation of people think when they see there friends intoxicated its just the coolest, and its funny. yes thats hallarious, your friends scewing up his brain. call me dramatic, call me a prick. but i wont call it funny, and i wont laugh. I sat nex to sam, his eyes were redish which was probally from allergies anyways, but i sat down and he was looking straight forword so i prepared myself for class to start and i sat down and he looks at me, and he looked so insane, and then he just started laughing. he was absolutly having the time of his life. I did get one thing good from this, and it was seeing him smile, but it wasnt sam smileing so i guess it didnt count for anything to make me feel any better. class went on like that pretty much the whole time, im not going to be sams friend if that gets worse, i wont watch him loose hiself more then he has already. I dont know why i sat inbetween them the whole class, they were talking and having a ball, i was reading but they only have a ball cause they mess with me. I dont care because i have alot of patience. And when they wern't bothering me, they were talking to eachother, i was just there in the way, i should have just switched with shelby, im sure they both would have liked that more. But i didnt switch, i just went on. I just sat there like always, never speaking up, not involved in math, just aimlessly staring like the many classes before. Class ended, and i sat there until there was enough of a clearing from the kids that are so impatient that they all wait by the door to get out. i timed it right so that i would get up right when i had a clear path, but not to late, and to to wear i would have to be uncomfortably close to anyone . I do that in most of my classes, i think its silly to stand and wait for the bell, when im not really wasteing any time. besides i'll do somthing while im sitting, insted of just standing there. Math used to be the only class i didnt do that in, and that was just because sams one of those kids that stand and have to be like the first ones out of there. ITs not like there going to get anywhere. The school is no different then a prision, and where all stuck there until 3:30. 5 minuetes of time to get from here to there, and hopefully along the way a friendly wave to a friend. However usually when im in the hall, its like my mind is else where its my feet that do all the guiding, so i usually dont notice somone is waving at me until its to late. A shame really.
4th period was no better, Mr. kidder (ecology) popped in a movie, like usually the questions he gave were simple and you only needed the introduction of the movie to answewr them, if even that. So i finished and.. its not like i could understand the guy in the video talking because they always have thick accents or, just sound like somthings in there throat and preventing them from talking clearly, so .. I found no need to continue to just stare at all the pretty pictures, and read my book, besides it might have helped my edge a little better. It usually does until i realize where i am agian. But ofcorse i got yelled at because for some reason mr.kidder has some extreme hate for books. Maybe when he was younger the kids used to throw books at him or somthing ridiculous like that. Like it matters, either way i got yelled at, soon after that he yelled at the whole class. and then i trying to help my chinease friend, because she doesnt know english very well.. but know. that too was and i got yelled at agian. strike two. now i guess i can understand the first one, but that was me trying to help, it was related and i wasnt that loud. then i saw the cloak getting closer and closer to 3:30. sweet freedom with in only a few minuetes, but i needed to ask mr.kidder why i had a C when i turned in all my work, if i dont know what im doing wrong then how can i get a better grade, i had known about the C for two other classes and both times we were busy so i couldnt ask him, so i thought.. im never going to get my chance, so i went up and tried to understnad, but that was strike three and i got yelled at some more it just bothered me because he didnt even let me finish talking, and that makes me mad, its rude, you want me to respect you? try respecting me.
So by now i was pretty ticked off. I think sometimes i get mad to easily, out of all my emotions i would say thats the easiest one to come to, anger or frustration. I was sopposed to meet up with richard and rose and hunter they want to make a thing for michealas party coming up, i dont really want to. its too awkward doing it at parties, like i feel like people are like ... ok? sho-offy much? ...or wth is that ? just stuff like that, and after today being annoying where all i wanted to do was just read in peace, never happened, i really just wanted to go home. so i did and i felt bad for ditching out, but everyone has there days, lets hope they understand, at least a little.
Im just done with people today. for the most part anyways.