these are the best days of our lives

————— 12:00 am —————ihatyuosmae: but theres still a chance
SkyInTheCloud007: i cant see the future
ihatyuosmae: but you said yourself you wanna get married one day
SkyInTheCloud007: i do . but that could be with anyone samm
ihatyuosmae: i know
ihatyuosmae: im just saying
SkyInTheCloud007: and thats like mid 20s im thinkin
SkyInTheCloud007: maybe even latte
ihatyuosmae: theres still
ihatyuosmae: somewhat of a chance?
SkyInTheCloud007: i guess
SkyInTheCloud007: i just dont want you to be crushedf agian if that doesnt happen
SkyInTheCloud007: try to give yourself room foor recovery or somthing, even someone else
ihatyuosmae: no
ihatyuosmae: its you or no one
ihatyuosmae: i know you think its retarded but you dont understand
SkyInTheCloud007: you dont know that
ihatyuosmae: because you dont feel the same way
SkyInTheCloud007: try to be open
SkyInTheCloud007: seriously your only 16.
ihatyuosmae: i know
SkyInTheCloud007: i dont think that 16 can be mature enough to really have that besides you have time to meet other people you never know if you keep you mind open
ihatyuosmae: but i dont want to be with anyone else, its not worth it and i cant feel the same way.  plus i would still have feelings for you and i would feel guilty
ihatyuosmae: like
ihatyuosmae: i dont want
ihatyuosmae: a relationship
ihatyuosmae: unless it was you
SkyInTheCloud007: thats silly. think about it when your little you might LOVE  a food, but then you get older and find it nasty.. like things and opinions change.
ihatyuosmae: well i guess well find out
SkyInTheCloud007: yes yes
ihatyuosmae: im telling you though nothings going to change
SkyInTheCloud007: because your stuck on that. stop thinking that i guess you can for now. but eventually i know you will get over it, and find somthing better.
ihatyuosmae: but i dont want anything else
ihatyuosmae: like
SkyInTheCloud007: yeah now you dont but  you will .
ihatyuosmae: no i wont
ihatyuosmae: relationships arent worth it
SkyInTheCloud007: there not not at this age
ihatyuosmae: theyre not ever
SkyInTheCloud007: well i disagree
ihatyuosmae: its not like im going to be more or less hurt because im16
ihatyuosmae: and what like over halfofmarriages end in divorce
————— 12:10 am —————SkyInTheCloud007: well why would you be divoriced since relationships
SkyInTheCloud007: dont even work for you
SkyInTheCloud007: what makes you think your oing to let somone get married to you
ihatyuosmae: im not
ihatyuosmae: im saying
ihatyuosmae: that
ihatyuosmae: it ends
ihatyuosmae: and it hurts
ihatyuosmae: so why even bother
SkyInTheCloud007: yeah think like that
SkyInTheCloud007: your not excepting any other possibilities.
ihatyuosmae: like what?
SkyInTheCloud007: anything,
ihatyuosmae: whats anything?
ihatyuosmae: i dont want
ihatyuosmae: a fucking girlfriend
SkyInTheCloud007: well why are you here?
ihatyuosmae: here where?
SkyInTheCloud007: you dont want a girl friend, then dont have one.
SkyInTheCloud007: who cares
SkyInTheCloud007: get old and be single ?
SkyInTheCloud007: why are you telling me? whats it matter if you want somone one or not peopel want different things.
ihatyuosmae: because we were having a discussion
ihatyuosmae: i was sharing my opinion
SkyInTheCloud007: alrightt i just feel liek theres a problem ?
SkyInTheCloud007: but im dont see it
ihatyuosmae: hmm?
SkyInTheCloud007: ..
ihatyuosmae: problem with what?
SkyInTheCloud007: nothing
ihatyuosmae: no
ihatyuosmae: tell me
ihatyuosmae: please
SkyInTheCloud007: i dont knwo what there is to tell
SkyInTheCloud007: i told you and
SkyInTheCloud007: you didnt get it
SkyInTheCloud007: and i dont feel like explaining
SkyInTheCloud007: whats not worht explaining
ihatyuosmae: michelle
SkyInTheCloud007: ?
ihatyuosmae: i love you
ihatyuosmae: ,
ihatyuosmae: you dont have to say it back
ihatyuosmae: and i do understand what youre saying
ihatyuosmae: i just dont feel that way
SkyInTheCloud007: i wasnt refering to anything i was feeling with what you didnt get
ihatyuosmae: ..what?
SkyInTheCloud007: nothingg
ihatyuosmae: can you explain to me like
ihatyuosmae: how you wanna be single, not so you can look for other people but so you can be yourself
ihatyuosmae: how can you not do what you want/be free/do your own thing
ihatyuosmae: with me?
SkyInTheCloud007: i dont
SkyInTheCloud007: want
SkyInTheCloud007: a boyfriend
SkyInTheCloud007: simple as that
————— 12:20 am —————ihatyuosmae: oh
ihatyuosmae: how much time would you be willing
ihatyuosmae: to give me?
SkyInTheCloud007: i dont know.
SkyInTheCloud007: if i want to give any ? it think it will only get worse
SkyInTheCloud007: and im just going to
SkyInTheCloud007: get farther from you
SkyInTheCloud007: then i feel now
ihatyuosmae: =(
ihatyuosmae: can you please try
ihatyuosmae: just
ihatyuosmae: aoijfosdf
ihatyuosmae: idk
ihatyuosmae: just wait a little?
SkyInTheCloud007: what do you think i have been doing all week sam
SkyInTheCloud007: im trying
SkyInTheCloud007: i want to
SkyInTheCloud007: have this and to feel
SkyInTheCloud007: but its not
ihatyuosmae: but it could turn around
SkyInTheCloud007: so why hasnt it ?
SkyInTheCloud007: whats going to be different ?
SkyInTheCloud007: i think its going to get worse.
SkyInTheCloud007: i dont want to be more irritated with you.
ihatyuosmae: please =(
SkyInTheCloud007: sam i know you know this, because i could feel you trying unless im wrong, but your despriration your efferts .. its just not doing anything i dont knwo what to do and i dont think there is anything
ihatyuosmae: but you said you feel differently about me on differnet occasions
SkyInTheCloud007: its not as much like that
SkyInTheCloud007: its
SkyInTheCloud007: getting worse for me
SkyInTheCloud007: and it doesnt help that its no differeent for
SkyInTheCloud007: you
SkyInTheCloud007: i just feel like i have to hide and im
SkyInTheCloud007: in a mask all the time when im around you or im so frustrated
SkyInTheCloud007: because
SkyInTheCloud007: im hurting you
SkyInTheCloud007: and
SkyInTheCloud007: its stupid i iwish i could feel for you
ihatyuosmae: it doesnt matter youre going to hurt me worse by breaking up with me now, and you could make me happy by giving it a last shot
SkyInTheCloud007: so you would be happy with me while im sufferign in guilt, and discomfort? you can be happy with that ?
ihatyuosmae: we havent even gotten to hang out in like two weeks
SkyInTheCloud007: no way is this going to be good there both hurt situations
SkyInTheCloud007: but the longer it is the worse.
SkyInTheCloud007: im trying sam .
SkyInTheCloud007: i have given it a shot.
SkyInTheCloud007: and it hurts me just as much when im trying
SkyInTheCloud007: like i dont even want to talk to you at school because im so annoyed by this by how happy you seem when im struggling and not feeliong anything how is that even close to fair foreither one of us, if you just want me because it will be happy for you, thats like lieing because nothings ther.
ihatyuosmae: i thought you did still love me but you wanted to be single
————— 12:31 am —————SkyInTheCloud007: its kinda of like im not sure if i love you like that ,. but the fact that i want this time for myself. and that i cant seem to enjoy my time with you right now is just adding on to it
ihatyuosmae: can you at least wait until we can hang out one more time
SkyInTheCloud007: but i dont want to. im to dicomfortable
SkyInTheCloud007: i cant
SkyInTheCloud007: becuase i knwo you feel differently then i do '
SkyInTheCloud007: and i think it will end bad. becuase your going to be either sad the whole time or trying to make me see
SkyInTheCloud007: that i still want you
ihatyuosmae: no i just want
SkyInTheCloud007: when thats just going to push me further away
ihatyuosmae: to hang out with you one moretime
ihatyuosmae: because its gonna be the last time
SkyInTheCloud007: y
ihatyuosmae: i told you
ihatyuosmae: im not gonna be able
ihatyuosmae: to be your friend
ihatyuosmae: for a long time
SkyInTheCloud007: do you think we could be like
SkyInTheCloud007: email friends or somthing
ihatyuosmae: no michelle im sorry
SkyInTheCloud007: and we wouldnt have to talk in person
SkyInTheCloud007: or even on aim
SkyInTheCloud007: well.. you'll be sure to tell me when you want to talk to me
ihatyuosmae: michelle
ihatyuosmae: please
ihatyuosmae: just
ihatyuosmae: give me one more day
SkyInTheCloud007: why
ihatyuosmae: where i can cuddle you one more time
SkyInTheCloud007: how can you possibly enjoy that
SkyInTheCloud007: no sa,
SkyInTheCloud007: sam
SkyInTheCloud007: i cant do that it will hurt more.
SkyInTheCloud007: for noth of us.
SkyInTheCloud007: i dont see how you could be happy, content on that day knowing once it was over i wanted to break up with you and the only reason i wasnt was to have that last day with
SkyInTheCloud007: you
SkyInTheCloud007: how could you enjoy that
SkyInTheCloud007: i dont want to cry
SkyInTheCloud007: with you . or anything
SkyInTheCloud007: i dont want to have anything like that
ihatyuosmae: michelle
ihatyuosmae: =(
ihatyuosmae: whyd you even fucking bother
ihatyuosmae: getting backwith me
ihatyuosmae: this is
ihatyuosmae: just as bad as last time
ihatyuosmae: i love you
ihatyuosmae: bye
SkyInTheCloud007: because i was confused
SkyInTheCloud007: this is what you wanted
SkyInTheCloud007: for more time
SkyInTheCloud007: i gave it to
SkyInTheCloud007: you maybe i was mistaken .
SkyInTheCloud007: but
SkyInTheCloud007: it didnt work
SkyInTheCloud007: am i wrong is that not what you were just askin me for?
ihatyuosmae: yes i thought everything was gonna work
SkyInTheCloud007: and i really wanted it to .
ihatyuosmae: michelle
ihatyuosmae: i cant
SkyInTheCloud007:   ?
ihatyuosmae: one sec
————— 12:42 am —————ihatyuosmae: i dont know im losing everything
SkyInTheCloud007: ??//
SkyInTheCloud007: nu uh dont leave me on that note
ihatyuosmae: youre
ihatyuosmae: everything
SkyInTheCloud007: please dont
ihatyuosmae: i cant not talk toyou but its notgonna work
ihatyuosmae: if whats happening now
ihatyuosmae: is gonna happen everytime
ihatyuosmae: just
ihatyuosmae: tell me when youre ready for a relationship
ihatyuosmae: if you lovedme once it could happen again
SkyInTheCloud007: please dont hold your breath.
ihatyuosmae: iwill
SkyInTheCloud007: no
ihatyuosmae: yes michelle
SkyInTheCloud007: .
ihatyuosmae: help me
SkyInTheCloud007: im trying
SkyInTheCloud007: and your not letting me
SkyInTheCloud007: listen to me and i can help you but you need to help yourself.
SkyInTheCloud007: ??
ihatyuosmae: tgwfu\
ihatyuosmae: fucking
ihatyuosmae: shoot me
SkyInTheCloud007: you will be fine sam.
ihatyuosmae: no
ihatyuosmae: i wont
SkyInTheCloud007: no
SkyInTheCloud007: you will
ihatyuosmae: no i fucking wont
SkyInTheCloud007: because  i dont think you
SkyInTheCloud007: even want to get better
SkyInTheCloud007: sam
SkyInTheCloud007: your not even gonna freeking
SkyInTheCloud007: try
ihatyuosmae: its not gonna do anything
ihatyuosmae: look at omar
SkyInTheCloud007: no it wont. becuase here you go and tell yourself stuff, thats not going to help you at all
SkyInTheCloud007: so why even think it if you teally wanted to be hhappy, trust me you would get there.
SkyInTheCloud007: ok
SkyInTheCloud007: and are you omar?
SkyInTheCloud007: no
SkyInTheCloud007: your not .
ihatyuosmae: i will be in a couple months
SkyInTheCloud007: well fine if thats what you want.
SkyInTheCloud007: then keep that
ihatyuosmae: what else
ihatyuosmae: you can expect me to be happy
ihatyuosmae: im not gonna walk away from everything being taken away
ihatyuosmae: and be happyabout it
ihatyuosmae: or even be okay for a long time
SkyInTheCloud007: ok and did i say you would be ahppy right away. no but i am going to tell you obviously dont want to be happy because your not even considering it a possibility. so your sad. i get that. but i cant get anything past that becuase i am a positive person. i am not everything .
SkyInTheCloud007: you have other friends
SkyInTheCloud007: you have your mom
SkyInTheCloud007: your drums.
ihatyuosmae: i dont care
ihatyuosmae: you are everything
SkyInTheCloud007: >.  >
ihatyuosmae: and no im not gonna be happy
————— 12:52 am —————ihatyuosmae: for a long time
SkyInTheCloud007: well are you gonna even try
SkyInTheCloud007: ?
ihatyuosmae: how would i even try?
SkyInTheCloud007: try to let me go ?
SkyInTheCloud007: ..
SkyInTheCloud007: ...
ihatyuosmae: ahahhaha yeahh
SkyInTheCloud007: what do you mean how would i try
SkyInTheCloud007: thats not somthing i can tell you
ihatyuosmae: i mean
ihatyuosmae: i cant
ihatyuosmae: be happy
ihatyuosmae: with you gone
ihatyuosmae: doesnt matter what i do
SkyInTheCloud007: -.-
SkyInTheCloud007: im tired of trying to convince you otherwise.
ihatyuosmae: ok
ihatyuosmae: you dont have to try
SkyInTheCloud007: oh i did
SkyInTheCloud007: i have
ihatyuosmae: i know
SkyInTheCloud007: do you ? cause i feel like you havent listened to anything i have siad
ihatyuosmae: i do know youve tried
ihatyuosmae: and you just dont get it
ihatyuosmae: either
SkyInTheCloud007: dont get what
ihatyuosmae: you cant understand
ihatyuosmae: because you dont feel the way i do
SkyInTheCloud007: that you cant be happy? that you cant be with anyone else?
ihatyuosmae: i mena
ihatyuosmae: mean
ihatyuosmae: im not that into girls at all
ihatyuosmae: youre
ihatyuosmae: my first ever girlfriend
SkyInTheCloud007: and i feel liek thats why your so attachted.
ihatyuosmae: or maybe because i love you?
SkyInTheCloud007: but that doesnt make sense !
SkyInTheCloud007: i dont have alot of traits that you like?
SkyInTheCloud007: your right i dont understand.
ihatyuosmae: michelle it doesnt matter
ihatyuosmae: i love you for who you are
ihatyuosmae: and you ARE perfect for me
SkyInTheCloud007: i dont understand how you can be so close minded and think that im the best thing there is when you havent been around to meet that many people
ihatyuosmae: because theres no way
ihatyuosmae: you cant get better than perfect
SkyInTheCloud007: i cant be perfect
SkyInTheCloud007: becuase of where i am now.
SkyInTheCloud007: if it was perfect.
SkyInTheCloud007: then the emotions would both be equal that would be perfect.
ihatyuosmae: imnot saying
ihatyuosmae: im saying
ihatyuosmae: youre perfect
ihatyuosmae: and i want you
ihatyuosmae: even if
ihatyuosmae: you dont want me
SkyInTheCloud007: and im saying that it does get better then that
————— 01:02 am —————SkyInTheCloud007: because somone out there wont put you throught the crap that i have made you go through
ihatyuosmae: yes they will eventually too
SkyInTheCloud007: alright .
SkyInTheCloud007: im going to bed
SkyInTheCloud007: night .
ihatyuosmae: i love you

I feel relaxed. im tired, from soccer i finally played a game with bills team again its been a while, and he made me play. im not sure why he thought i wanted to play up, maybe he thinks why i didnt want to play was because he keeps me on defense, but i like playing back there with bills team because i'm the one who belongs there, like we have better people to play midfeild then the school team, and i dont know i felt on the school team thats where i belong but with bill i belong in the back. 

anyways , sam ? I feel good.. i  mean this is what i wanted was it not? and im calm, and i feel chill. Its a very good thing indeed. but theres still the half of my in guilt because i know right now hes somewhere, being sad, and i know i did that. but what could i have done ? to make this any better, there wasnt anything. i cant stay with him if i dont feel like that, i have waited and given him another chance, and it didnt work, if i didnt end what we had, i would still be thinking about just not wanting a boyfriend, and everything else and that was consuming me. 

The plan is to go to KD with hunter (= should be fun, its a good way to just clear my mind. and hopefully we can see ED the boy i met last time, who is "vex's" brother, her real name is sam, but i know to many so we call her vexin or somthing i cant remember. but ED is adorable. there native indian, like tall dark and what not. ^,^ im so excited to be going to AMA with them all.