I'm confused. I can't decide if I still love Matt. I don't know. I'm so lost. I think about him all the freaking time but it's not even thinking about being with him, I just miss laughing and hanging out with him. I love my husband with all my heart but part of me is still...curious. I wonder how he thinks of me and he still cares about me. I think that's what gets me the most. I wonder what he feels and thinks when he sees me now. I wonder if he misses being with me, late night kicking back. I wonder if he misses his daughter...

So I'm not sure what to think. Craig has taken off with Alicia and I can't lie, it kinda irritates me. I don't think they'd ever do anything but still, I dunno. I know I wouldn't have the freedom to take off with somebody's dude like that while he was at work. It bugs me. He just found an excuse to go out and about. I feel like he was waiting for the oppurtunity to go out without me. Plus he only has Jr. Mia and Alohi are at a babysitter. It's not fair. I have to sit at work and he's off calivanting. But yet when I want to go to the library cause that's what I get joy out of, he doesn't want to go. I gotta stop talking about this cause I'm getting myself worked up.

I'm so fucking confused. Fucking Stephanie was supposed to fucking train me to be prepared for when she left but she fucking trained me half ass and now I'm fucking constantly getting in trouble cause I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I feel like everybody's pointing fingers at me thinking I'm an idiot when if I had just been taught the right way the first time around things would be fine. I wonder if she fucking left shit out on purpose. I feel like it sometimes. I don't want Bob to fire me cause it seems like I'm not learning anything, cause that's not even the case. Nobody's hardly taking the time to show me anything, everybody just basically expects me to know it all. I wish Acacia would come back because I know I could ask her and I know she could cover my ass and not get in trouble by Bob. But she hasn't been to work in god knows how long. Ugh. I love my job but I'm frustrated. I just pray that I learn everything and that Bob is happy with my work and wants to keep me around.

So today's going okay. It's not as bad as I thought it was going to be.

Craig keeps talking to Matt and it's making me confused. Part of me wonders if I still have feelings at him and another part of me is like "no, I love Craig." I dunno, I don't think I could ever get back with him. Fuck that, I know I couldn't, I'm married, I don't believe in it. I think I just wonder about him cause I wonder if he has feelings for me, not cause I have feelings for him. I wish I could talk to Craig about this stuff and he'd understand but he doesn't. I doubt he ever will. He's too jealous. But it's okay, I understand.

Ugh. I have such a crappy headache. It'll feel like it's going away and then BAM it's back. I don't know why those vicodin had a reverse effect on me, it never has before. Maybe just cause I took so many. I wish my dang headache would go away!!

I hope I get this job down and impress Bob. He's hard to read. I can't tell if he's happy with the job I'm doing or if he's mad. I hope he's happy, I'm trying my hardest.

I don't know why Craig keeps flipping out on me. This morning, yet again, he got mad about me doing my hair and makeup. He's so jealous. I mean, I'm glad he loves me that much but still, he's just starting fights between us for no reason.

So I love this job but I don't how I'm gonna be able to hang with it. Bob's expecting me to know everything in just a few days and flipping the fuck out on me when I don't. I dunno, this is my favorite job ever I just wish he'd cut me some damn fucking slack. I'm only human. But oh well, I'll get used to it.

So this fucking sucks. I was all excited about this job and now I gotta be scared I'm gonna lose it. Stephanie, the one who's job I'm getting, was supposed to be having her last day on Monday, but the place she's going to work at just called and said the company was going to be closing down. They're only going to be open for another year or so and they told her that if she wanted to she could try to get her old job back. She says she's not gonna do that but who knows if she really will or not, it's not like she'd tell me about it, you know? And if it came down to it, between me and Stephanie, I don't know who Bob would choose. Hopefully me because I've been busting my ass trying to prove to him I want this job more than life itself. It's not my fault that Stephanie's new job fell through, she's the one who told me to take her old job. Hopefully she wouldn't do that to me. Fuck now I'm stressin.

So I just started a new job and I love it!! I've been wanting this job forever! I'm a secretary at Griffin Property Management. I'm only getting paid minimum wage but still, it's gotten me off of welfare which is good.

Craig's having a little bit of a hard time with the kids, but I think he'll be okay. I just pray this doesn't result in me having to lose this job.