My Life

 Just some thoughts, obviously not final cut. M wants to write a song together, he wants me to write the lyrics so here are some that just came to me. I have to revise them though, but I've tried to a bit. I've never wrote a song or anything really ever before so we'll see how this goes :)

When I wake you’re right beside me

When I sleep you’re in my dreams

And when I close my eyes

you know you’re the only one I see

So hold me close stay right beside me, I feel the beating of your heart

And I know in your eyes I can see that everything is meant to be

I find loving you just comes easily

We fit together oh so perfectly

I never doubt a thing

This ain’t a simple fling

Without you I don’t know where I’d be

So hold me close stay right beside me, I feel the beating of your heart

And I know in your eyes I can see that everything is meant to be

when you looked at me

in your eyes i could see

everything was meant to be

fit together so perfectly

loving you comes so easily

without you i don't know where i'd be

you make me feel so free

i think you may be the key 

to happiness

never doubting a single thing

happiness

this ain't just a simple fling  

Hung out with A today. It was nice, I'm pretty happy that shes finally back, its been so long. Obviously things won't be the same, but they will be good. I wish M would be back for good too, but he will be back in 5 days, for 3 weeks, so that is pretty good. I'm really excited for that. We have a lot of stuff planned already. We always do that, plan everything out. I never realized it but I guess its good, that way we don't just sit around wasting our time trying to figure out something to do. Well we still do that, but not as much as we would probably. So exams... a little stressed out about that, hopefully they go well though. I only have 2 more, but only like 6 days to study for one of them, and 8 for the other. I suppose that is quite a bit actually. I'm not really worried about Chem, I generally am pretty good at that, but Math I have been neglecting for a while, not going to class and it seems like I really haven't been doing much of it, but maybe once I start doing it I will be okay. I've got to start studying a lot, I will tomorrow. I feel really deplited lately, I just want these exams to be done, I need a break. I really feel just tired of all of this. Its so tiring and really defeating. I just want him to be back, for good. I want him to stay here, I want to be together. I just feel really lonely sometimes. I mean, sure, we see each other often, quite often for two people who technically don't "live" in the same city, for the moment. But its never good enough. Maybe that sounds stupid, but I just like to know that if I needed to see him right then, at that very moment, I could, not have to wait for the next time he came here or I went down there. Of course, yes, it is worth it, but I just wish it didn't have to be like this. But it does, so I will have to deal with it. Its only 4 months until school is done, and 3 weeks in this month we will be together, and 1 week in February, for reading beak. So thats only 3 months more that we will be apart. So thats not bad, its already been 3 and a half, and that went by very quickly. Hopefully the next 4 go by quicker...

I think I truly feel legitimetly happy. Sure, I've always been happy, for the most part, but never like this, never this happy. Its almost euphoric really, like nothing I could even try to explain. Obviously I feel really sad, upset, even depressed, at some times, but above all that I still feel happy, no matter how down I am. I think about the past, how I was back then, who I was, who I was surrounded by. It wasn't me, not who I was supposed to be. It's really true, you can tell a lot about a person by who the surround themselves with. I'm really trying to surround myself with better people. Well I know a have many good people in my life, but I'm really tired of all the drama of some certain people. I'm really just sick of J's drama. Shes not a very good friend, I feel close to her, I feel comfortable talking to her about most things, but things aren't the same. I'm not sure what it is, maybe shes changed, maybe I've changed, I'm sure we've both changed since the summer, but I feel like shes only there for other people when its convenient for her. She just doesn't seem to care about anyone, other than herself, most of the time. Its really apauling to have to see this side of one of your close friends. Take my brithday for example, she totally blew me off and didn't have any cares in the world about it at all. I think shes gone a bit "guy crazy", I think she may have a bit of a big head right now, feels like shes the shit or something. Hopefully it will pass, other wise we may not stay friends for much longer. But A is back, so maybe it doesn't matter; of course I don't want to loose a friend, but if shes not acting like a good friend to me, what big loose is it, I don't feel like I deserve to be treated that way. I really do hope she comes to her senses though. Her and D broke up, so we'll see what happens now. I'm sure things will work out on their own. M... where do I even start with him. He is amazing, I have never met anyone like him. Hes caring, sweet, funny, thoughtful. I can't even think of the words to describe him, he does everything right, well maybe not everything, but when its not right he wants to change, he wants to be a better person, but I think he is perfect, we fit together perfectly anyway. There are things that he could do better, there are things everyone could do better, but the way he makes me laugh, and smile, and feel so great, even if its just because I'm thinking about him is th emost amazing feeling I have ever felt. I can't imagine where I would be without him, everything would be so much different, I'm not saying I couldn't function, I know I could and I would, but I don't think anything would be as good, I wouldn't feel the same. I think we're just happy together, he makes me happy, I make him happy, we work. We haven't fought, we've never really been mad at each other, we just fit together, perfectly, like pieces of a puzzle, and if the pieces don't quite fit, we work together until they do. We talk about everything, and anything. I feel so comfortable with him, and I know he feels comfortable with me, maybe more comfortable than I would like at some times. I wish he didn't have to be away, I just wish we could be together all the time, but in time it will happen. He will be back in May, and hopefully will decide to stay here for next year too, because I know I really don't want to do this for another year, it is so hard. But really, I would do it, because not being with him at all would be much worse than simply not being able to be in the same city as him for a while. I know I'm so young, and I know if something does happen and this doesn't work out I may feel stupid for saying this, but feeling like I do right now I can honestly say I hope things work out for us, overall... I mean I'm not thinking that far ahead of course, but I know I'm tired of dating, and maybe its just the feeling of it being still in the new stages, or just feeling so happy and not wanting to ever let this go, but I really hope I always feel like this. It is truly an amazing feeling.