Memories

It may sound messed up or it may make total sense really, but I don't think there's a day that goes by that I don't think about him. 2 years later and I still think about it all the time. I don't always think about that day but I usually think about why that happened. I feel so stupid for believing him, everything he told me, everything he said. I believed everything. I hate that I put myself there, I had no idea that his family hated me so much, I really didn't. I feel so dumb about it all. I know its not my fault, how could I have know, but looking back I can't stand it. All I really want to know is why and how. Why he would do that, why lie, why say all those hurtful things, why do what he did. And how? How could someone do that, to someone they said they cared for? Its obvious that he didn't really care, but how can you put on such an act? For so long too. I just don't believe it some days. I can't believe it. Somedays I don't think I'm really over it all. I don't think I can admit that though, not yet anyway. I'd feel stupid to say it out loud that I wasn't over it. But its hard to go from one day thinking one thing of someone to the next day seeing them as a total different person. I can't imagine it being possible, but it is. I saw it. I felt it.

I do still feel scared sometimes. If someone could say and do those terrible things in one day, what would years of build up lead to? What minor thing could trigger someone who may be holding in anger like that? What would they be capable of if they were triggered? I don't feel it as much, but I still feel it sometimes.

Michael doesn't know I feel this way. No one does. I have no idea what he would say if he found out, if I told him. I think he'd be surprised, maybe for a bit anyway, then maybe upset that I hadn't told anyone earlier. Ultimately I think he would be glad I finally did tell someone though. He only ever wants the best for me and he's very genuine. You really can tell that he's a good person, not just someone who acts like a good person, but who truly is. If he is just acting though he's a very good actor. I doubt that though.

I feel like I can't say I have a good judge of character. I guess I don't really. So what do I do now? Trust my instinct or go against it? So far my instinct has been pretty bad in life, especially concerning men. It goes the same way for women actually, only opposite. I generally get bad vibes from girls who end up being the nicest of them all. Maybe I'll keep listening to my instinct, but follow in the other direction.