A's right of course. She's always right and as much as I think she's mistaken or has an ulterior motive sometimes, her opinion is usually about spot on. What am I talking about? A nice day at the R's, lunch, amusement from the kids, TV etc. E came there to do some stuff on puter. And one of the things? Checking e-mail on facebook, including one - well she was sitting by me how could I not see? - from an ex from a few years ago with the subject heading Single. Looked like it had gone back and forward a few times too. I couldn't read the words, in fact, I turned my head and gazed out of the window, focusing on something in the distance, trying not to blink, but I suppose it was something along the lines of "yea I am again, thank God. He wasn't you, etc..." I should change tack here, because I don't know for a fact what the context was and sitting here beating myself up about it has to be a bad thing, but even so... grrr. I wish I could do all the things A says, wish I could toughen up and just say "You left, fuck you". Maybe one day.

Can you have too many memories in your head? The weather was horrible today, really cold and a few spits of rain every now and again, but by about 2.30 I felt like a caged animal so decided to drive to R and have a walk about and visit my dad while there. I walked across the common where S and I once had a meeting. Nothing much seemed to have changed so that was weird. I walked through the church yard and saw quite a few names I remembered, including P's grandad. I remember him dying - and what I was up to at the time. Not literally at the moment but that month/year (April 95). Incredible that its been almost 13 years. After I walked round the block of the village, which is a 2 mile loop. Again, many things seemed the same but some had changed. When you walk, it gives you lots of time to think and I reminisced big time. Almost every step, every house I could remember something or someone from years ago. Lots of memories. Its a bit of a paradox really, going 'home' is supposed to be a good thing, but so many of the thoughts made me, maybe not sad exactly but melancholic. But my dad seemed okay.