My life...as I know it.

Darkness is so calming, so quiet, so much comfort in the emptiness. Floating with arms wide open...head back...eyes closed. No worries. No pain. No sadness. No feelings of wandering lost. Just cool comfort. Weightless. Free of the demons of this world. Just peace.

Stopped by Lisa's tonight to drop her off some dinner as well as her Valentine's Day gift. I always feel bad when I leave Lisa's. I always feel guilty that I don't spend more time with her than I do. When I was over there tonight she was telling me about her new job at Pine Castle. I often realize when I spend time with her, just how much of the day-to-day details of her life that I miss out on. Lisa has dealt with so many challenges throughout her life. Yet she remains the most trusting and loving person I have ever known. As much as I admire that about her, I often worry that her trust of others will open her to being taken advantage of. Sometimes it's easy to feel sorry about myself regarding my health issues, work issues, or whatever else may come along. But then after I spend time with Lisa, I realize that my struggles aren't all that bad after all. She is definitely someone whom I will always admire. I hope one day she finds someone with whom she can share her love with. She deserves to one day experience the joy of romance and hopefully getting married. I REALLY hope she finds that someone special one day soon.

I hope one day to be the person she considers me to be. I really need to spend more time with her. I don't want to be in a situation one day, where I'm telling myself.."I wish I would have made more time to be a part of her life."

Working really sucks. There's no two ways about it. Some of us are lucky enough to have jobs we somewhat enjoy, or that are somewhat more tolerable than others. The work I do is OK, but working for others...well is that ever really good??? I know what my problem is (at least one of them)...I have a problem with authority. I always have, as far back in my adult life as I can remember. I don't like for someone to tell me what to do (even though that's often tolerable based on their approach). I can't stand for someone to talk down to me though. I just have no tolerance for it. My boss today kinda jumped my case because he tried to call me when I was with a customer. One minute I'm told..."Deal with the customer first, answer the phone later." Now all the sudden it's..."you need to make time for me when I call you even though you're with a customer." It was one of those moments when I had to consciously choose my battle. I could have pushed back, but decided to wait for something more worthwhile to show my ass about.

Isn't that how life is though? Picking our battles? Yeah, you can really put your foot down and take a stand about everything that comes along that you don't agree with...but then when you do it over something that really truly matters, whose gonna take you seriously? I try to keep the philosophy of... pull out all the guns when it really matters. Then people will stop and think "wow, this is kinda out of character for him/her. I should maybe stop and listen." It don't always work, but sometimes it does. Maybe I should try and be more tolerant of people. Then again...maybe not. Is it because I hold such a grudge towards others for judging me? Probably so. Oh well...they can talk about me all they want when I'm gone. At that point I won't care. At that point it won't matter.

Wow...as I sit here and listen to myself, I realize how venomous I sound. It's just been one of those days I guess. It's just been so long since I've really felt happiness about anything. That don't mean I've been in a constant rut, but I can't remember the last time I really felt excited or truly happy about something. It's kinda scary when I think about it. There has to be some kind of joy in this life, to make all the struggles we go through worthwhile. I can't think that deep right now. I think I'll just settle for a bowl of Cocoa-Puffs for now.