he speaks silent and loud. he speaks so simple yet i make it so complex. he speaks with freedom and fun yet i'm sure there is a catch. he speaks in favor of my heart and i can't believe it. he speaks with grace though i rarely listen.

last night God sent a big sloppy ball of grace my way and it smacked me in the face. it was wonderful. it was also hard to accept. as i layed on the couch hiding from my wife scared of failing her again she dosn't ignore me, she doens't demand i quit being selfish and come to bed, she sits down beside me and gently rubs my back and head and so sweetly asks if i'm ready to come to bed. i don't say a word for at least 10 minutes but she dosn't grow impatient. i'm so lucky and so blessed. God please help me be a man. give me the strength and courage to to fight for our marriage and her heart, to fight to know you more deeply everyday.

im just tired of hurting the same ole way. its been forever it seems now that i've been upset just like this with brittany. maybe its only been since weve been married but it seems like forever. i need to vent . i really need to vent. I WANT TO BREAK THIS KEYBOARD. she is rediculous! she thinks something is wrong with her knee. what am i supposed to do about it!? why tell me if your just going to dissagree with eveything i'm saying. she's fine!! why can't she just trust that! she looks for the littlest sign that something might not be alright. i just don't get it. just suck it up! your going to a doctor in a week for an appointment. an appointment that someone else will have to drive you to an hour away. so lets try and think logical... or no do we want to imagine little alien hampsters growing in your knee cap building a triangle shaped spaceship. oh and we better get to the hospital in two days.... not tonight or tomorrow but on thursday because thats when they will be done building the space ship and will blast off through my skin! ahhhhh. i wish she was that outlandish about it so then i could just laugh it off. but she emasculates me by calling me in to check it out then rudely disregarding everything i'm saying as if i've never studyied a thing medical in my life. she threatens my inteligence majorly. i konw what i'm trying to say to her but if it dosn't come out like a doctor would say it then she dosn't hear it, and i know that so i'm insecure before i even begin to tell her about it. i want to hide from her. i just want to go pretend that i still have some manhood left. i want to blame everything on her own selfishness and insecurities. it's all on me though. my story. the same one i've been deep into for the past 3 years that God seems to deliver me from but it's still the same pain!! is there anyone who lives without pain?? or at least has a solution on dealing with it? does anyone know how to know God a way that truly deeply changes our lives. a change that affects our hearts our minds our actions our emotions?? i want that if there is. i just want to be able to love brittany better, so that she could love me better. and i know this would glorify god greatly! o how far from this i am! i'm just so unloved- no i'm not but thats what i typed. thats how i feel. it must be. it just came out, i wanted to say something else. god loves me but seldom do i experience it.... why??! God i'm reluctant to feel it. I think i am fearfull that you might not come through so i don't quite put all my money on it. please love me , it will take all the grace you have but please love me....i don't deserve it... not at all. but i need it. i need it so i don't hurt anymore, so that i can love brittany better, so that i can love you better. i'm just so unequipped! what am i even doing here?!? just wasting time not changing, not knowing you deeper. i'm still the same ole person that didn't know you 10 years ago... well not completely, of course i would of changed regardless. but i still hurt just as much. ;a;sdlkgh okay i'm done ranting, i want you, i want love, i want to love you back. i want to be different and changed and more like the son you made in your image sooo long ago. please help me do all of these things.

lets forget about the past. lets move on and never think about anything thats ever happened. we will take up our new roles as sons and daughters of God and live righteously. God has forgotten our past sins, so let us do the same since that is obviously what holds us back from glorifying God and being like Christ. I mean if we could just simply forget about what makes us sin in the first place, why we handle life the way we do, why we get mad, hurt, embarrased then we should have no problem living with our new hearts a blameless joyfull life.

O i know why! I guess because that is impossible! So instead of ignoring something that shapes every bad thing we do in life lets acknowledge it. well at least a little bit of it. maybe just one specific moment we can remember. just follow me for a second. Why is it that certain memories out of the millions of events that happens to us every year stand out in our minds. something significant must have happened there in our soul. and i would suggest that the younger we were the deeper those things are rooted, therefore the more meaningfull they would be. the first stones in building up who we are will be found in the foundation of who we are. and the scary part is for most all of us we didn't know Christ then! so a whole foundation of who we so uniquely are-for the good and bad, but mostly the bad, because lets be honest, if we didn't know Christ what of it could have been good!? ok so ... lets pray and ask God for a memory. just one. little or big. and lets meditate on it for a day or two or so. lets ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to us what significant thing is happening to us in this moment. what are we learning about God thats wrong? what are we learning about us thats wrong? what are we learning about people thats wrong? i think after we find this moment in time, it will lead us to other times in our lives when we felt the same way, or was learnig the same things. and we can, with the power of the HOly Spirit, begin to unravel the falacies and begin to let God know us from the beginning, begin to know him from the beginning and live holy and righteous through the blood of Christ , now-but also in our past.

just a thought- couldn't hurt.

i have an idea. i want to lead you to christ everyday. i also want to lead myself to Christ everyday, or rather be led by the Holy Spirit there. i wonder if He might give us one insight a day worth looking at. worth taking some time throughout the day to think and pray on. not to just forget about the next day and move on to another random unrelated topic. but rather a journey one step at a time through uncharted territories. I pray now on our behalf for the Spirit to lead us hear over the next year. we know it is only by Your power. we thank you for the grace you give us that we could listen and know you deeply. that You would be glorified forever.

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