pain

im just tired of hurting the same ole way. its been forever it seems now that i've been upset just like this with brittany. maybe its only been since weve been married but it seems like forever. i need to vent . i really need to vent. I WANT TO BREAK THIS KEYBOARD. she is rediculous! she thinks something is wrong with her knee. what am i supposed to do about it!? why tell me if your just going to dissagree with eveything i'm saying. she's fine!! why can't she just trust that! she looks for the littlest sign that something might not be alright. i just don't get it. just suck it up! your going to a doctor in a week for an appointment. an appointment that someone else will have to drive you to an hour away. so lets try and think logical... or no do we want to imagine little alien hampsters growing in your knee cap building a triangle shaped spaceship. oh and we better get to the hospital in two days.... not tonight or tomorrow but on thursday because thats when they will be done building the space ship and will blast off through my skin! ahhhhh. i wish she was that outlandish about it so then i could just laugh it off. but she emasculates me by calling me in to check it out then rudely disregarding everything i'm saying as if i've never studyied a thing medical in my life. she threatens my inteligence majorly. i konw what i'm trying to say to her but if it dosn't come out like a doctor would say it then she dosn't hear it, and i know that so i'm insecure before i even begin to tell her about it. i want to hide from her. i just want to go pretend that i still have some manhood left. i want to blame everything on her own selfishness and insecurities. it's all on me though. my story. the same one i've been deep into for the past 3 years that God seems to deliver me from but it's still the same pain!! is there anyone who lives without pain?? or at least has a solution on dealing with it? does anyone know how to know God a way that truly deeply changes our lives. a change that affects our hearts our minds our actions our emotions?? i want that if there is. i just want to be able to love brittany better, so that she could love me better. and i know this would glorify god greatly! o how far from this i am! i'm just so unloved- no i'm not but thats what i typed. thats how i feel. it must be. it just came out, i wanted to say something else. god loves me but seldom do i experience it.... why??! God i'm reluctant to feel it. I think i am fearfull that you might not come through so i don't quite put all my money on it. please love me , it will take all the grace you have but please love me....i don't deserve it... not at all. but i need it. i need it so i don't hurt anymore, so that i can love brittany better, so that i can love you better. i'm just so unequipped! what am i even doing here?!? just wasting time not changing, not knowing you deeper. i'm still the same ole person that didn't know you 10 years ago... well not completely, of course i would of changed regardless. but i still hurt just as much. ;a;sdlkgh okay i'm done ranting, i want you, i want love, i want to love you back. i want to be different and changed and more like the son you made in your image sooo long ago. please help me do all of these things.