these are the best days of our lives

so i know that i have left the site for a while, but i want to come back to this site and in an emotional state as so, there couldnt be a better time. I dont know what my problem is, i dont know whats wrong with me, what made me hurt someone i care alot for. some one.. i love. I do love sam. i still do. and i know i do because all i can think about is what i did and how hurt he is. and how hes sad and im responsible i want to make him happy to just help him like he was always there for me. but i dont know what to do, without making it worse.

Yes i broke up with sam yeatsreday., but yes i do love him, you must understand whomever this goes to. I do love him i miss him but i am young, and i want to take it easy yes i have crushes on hunter and richard but i love sam, i just dont think it was fair to be how i am, its not fair to sam. Nothing has been fair to sam, he has done nothing wrong, but everything right, he has always been there for me, and never has he anoyed me, never has he hurt me..  and this is what he gets? how can i do as i did. I do want to break it off, but maybe not forever just so i can take my time if we do love eachother then maybe when im ready for this, a relationship as mature as one should be then we will find one other once more.  i just want to be here for now. but i want to still be his friend i want to talk to him. 

His aim profile. is a list of everything he no longer gets, well with me.. but its not the end, we can talk, we can go on walks, we can do whatever he wants. we can share food and go to kings dominion, but not if it will hurt him.. then i just want to give him space. but im just sayign its not the end.. all that changed is a title a freeking lable perhaps.  we both still feel, its just were not "girl friend" or "boyfriend" but were still the same people.. he can still go to parties, i'll dance with him, i will get yelled at with him in math i want to. but im not sure anyone should be listening to what i want because im fucked, i just want a break from relationships.. and it just hurts me more to think that we didnt even have a relationship of any pressure, or any worries to follow it, it was chill... 

its just knowing i still feel the way i do .. makes me feel like we would have been together for much longer and .. i just needed a break a time to think of whats going on. of just being in high school and floating and i feel bad once more because.. its not like he was a crazy jealous boyfriend and like wouldnt let me do anything.. i was pretty much free with being with him. Its just me.. and being myself, being a jerk and hurting some one i care so much for.. i just dont think anyone could really understand what im saying unless they want to. unless they really listen. 

But as closing its not the end.. i dont know though.. if he can sit next to me right now in math.. or.. if he will ever allow me to be his friend again, he can understand why i did what i did. its not that i dont love him. that i dont find him to be the best thing thats happened. its just that its high school and at this level i want to take it easy. shelby might just sit in the middle.. i think that might happen unless he wants it differently i just want to know what he wants.. me to do, if he wants me to come talk to him, to hang out of if he wants me to leave him alone awhile. im so sorry for what i did.