8:41 PM - Bipolar ?
So that is the issue, my mom is off her drugs. She shouldnt be though, i dont care but that is not happy, its got edge to it and she went off agian today, so i dont mind the singing in the car, its the tone, its the way she might even walk, body language and the way she is caring her voice, and the sudden need to defend herself. thats how you know thats thats not happy, if she was happy, she wouldnt need to defend herself, she would try to make it better for others because she has helped herself, and now if able to do that. because in my mind thats what happy people do. She's changing mood by the minuete, she goes from happy (or insane make your pick) to over defensive from the slightest of questions, and then maybe she'll go off, and then go back and be happy agian but its all to sudden and all to sharp.
I miss sam more then anyone right now, IT was so hard to sit there in math and not even look at him, to avoid meeting his eyes, i was afraid of what i might see in return, and i wasnt ready for it . So i cowerd. it was difficult to sit there and watch him slump, while every part of me wanted to just reach over and try and comfort him, but i know that would make it worse. i do love him but telling him that or reaching out like such would only confuse him, because i have seen it, when break ups happen that just cant happen because its painful, its confusing and bad. and it just cant happen, its so hard because i almost would rather be stuck in that relationship to still be able to be his best friend because this is a hard loss, its like theres a hole, and empty and cold hole where i kept my relation with sam and i just have to keep reminding myself, that this is what i want. and that this is better, because i think in the long one it really is, even if what i had with sam once, may never be the same agian. .I haven't cried really. NOt yet. im holding out i think, i mean im not straining myself over salt water staining my face, but at some points i probally could have let myself soak, but not yet i have not. and i dont know if i want to. im not sure if it will start me off on a tear spree or if i will get some releif out of it, for actually allowing myself to just let go. ... he's let me go.. but i dont think i have let him go . I mean i guess i didnt give him much of a choice but it would be wrong to force him to be my friend after putting him through that .