these are the best days of our lives

I hate myself that i cant just be happy with the way things are as of now, but i just cant get over this thing with sam. I felt great after i got back with him, but that feelings back, where i just want to do my own thing, i blogged about it before, and we talked about it, and i gave him a choice but all week its been like nothin is wrong with him, when i feel like im lieing to myself. things arn't good, and im pretty sure this whatever it is, wont pass. Whenever im with him i end up making him sad because im cold, or im to busy thinking about how i feel, and its not the way he does, and all week he's been happy to sad but happy and he's been trying hard to keep it. to keep this, but its just making me irritated and i cant stand it. i dont understand im getting so irritated with him so quickly when he isnt doing anything that wrong. This is only going to get worse. I need to talk to him. i dont want to hurt him agian like i did, i never ever want to force that much pain on anyone ever. but i dont  think i have a choice, becuase this isnt fair to him either. i cant act like everyhting is all yippe whatever when its not. its really not. And this alone is wrong this mask that i try to wear when hes around, trying to make it seem like everything is fine because i want it to be, i want it to be, i wish i felt how he did,  but i dont. and i cant,. emotions are playful, and at times unwanted, now more unwnated then ever, or maybe its the oppisite i want emotions, becuase i dont have enough. This sucks truly, i would almost prefere to be in sams sitution, because im not happy now, yeah but im not going to be happy until i know sams ok, because i will always love him as my best friend, and i cant just go and be merry while i know hes sad. that is wrong.

There is too  much wrong here, and somthing has to happen, i gotta talk to him but i dont want to break him agian i hate that hes going to read this, before we can talk but im going out to dinner with my mother, and when he gets home ill be gone. Gone and un able to talk to him. i am so sorry, that i cant just be happy.