8:41 PM - hm.
see now im back in my i love sam more then anything mood. I hate this . This constant change in mood. I love sam. i do . I think im too young to be in a relationship for this long, its like i wish we could break up but not have any hurt, and just wait for like another year or two to go by and then be together or somthing riduculous like that and i guess some views its like well then yeah whats the issue? and thats just it. i dont know . i dont know what im talking about right now either. i think i was so ugh about this in my previous blog because he was ranting about how he hates hiself and i have poor tolerance in that area. i know he cant help it. but thats not true he can. he can if he wanted to . i dont remember him always being like that. or maybe it was because i didnt know him. either way i like the other sam better and its not just that. but i cant find what else it is. i think im crazy . UGH im explaining myself all wrong, i dont want to break up with sam i just want to be able to be on my own.. that still doesnt make sense, and i dont want him to read this and think im going to break up with him when i still have all these feelings but i am unsure about weather i love him as my boyfriend .. .. or as my friend. and he's always apologizing so if he feels like he does somthing wrong then why do it? or maybe its because im controlling, he needs to just do what sam wants, and not what i want because thats making him nto be sam. he hasnt been sam for a while . hes been more sarcastic. But then everytime i think of going out some were i want to take sam with me. not vittoria or anyone just sam . like just now the play i wanted to be with sam.. but he has more fun with like allison or somthing because they can go and laugh at stuff i dont think is funny, and alot of it is because im matureing, and i cant decide if i like it or not. But i am im not as youthful . im not as tolerant as i was and im not saying because oh i turned 16 im suddenly different no i mean i have changed in high school from when i got here and it wasnt but so long ago. but its such a weird feeling, i have chaneged, so have me friends and my interests, but i still love sam.. but i dont connect like i used to. yes we tell one other everything, but its the change the past that i can hold on to . and its now that i dont see him exactly as i did because i have changed and i dont think he has as much, its not what he has or hasnt done its, just what who i am. or who i was even. i dont know i dont care if this makes sense because it does to me and how anyone else reads or interputs it its theirs to judge, that is if they may be able to get past all the spelling and capitalization errors, i have made. but either way, we must remember we see things as we want. or even fear. but maybe not how it is. we judge, we assume and its annoying. but its all we can do in some things. all we can do .