7:33 PM - what the fuck ever .
I have been so out of it. However.. what i'd like to know is how someone can be so distracted from everything, and yet still feel More then normally. Its like i am over thinking, Thinking so much.. However I don't know whats on my mind, I don't know. Is that impossible? Because its sounds impossible.
It was a bad day. Yesterday when i was feeling so out of reach. Nothing could get to me, and i couldn't even get to myself.
it was pathetic. I was really feeling tired all morning, I helped kelsey with her chair, crafts project. and it was all very mellow i guess. Math came around. We had a substitute or so i thought. we have lunch first block though, so I did not find out that our teacher was there until after lunch.
Lunch. I went outside with Jennifer, and no one was out there. I always eat with jennifer, I don't know what i would do if she was not there. and then my friend Renee came outside, she is so nice, and she always compliments the way i look, and i like her as a person in general, except she has bad self esteem, She is a little heavy set, but she isn't ugly at all. She's uncomfortable about her size though, and it makes me sad. She was going to go get something to eat so i went with her, I got an ice cream sandwhich, which was different from what i usually get, which is sometimes the "vegetable boat" or fries or a role. or a poptart.. so i get a various amount of things but never the ice cream! she decided to stay inside and eat with Rin and Carey.. Carey is a little heavy to but he's so funny, and he seems happy most of the time, hes in the crowed that really just doesnt give a fuck about what anyone else thinks, and i love it. Rin is like that too... shes a rainbow person like me toria and Tiffany, her and tiffany are the older "rainbows" but tiffany has gone more dark and rins getting a little more sophisticated, and vittoria is more crazy, and mines different from theres too.. but as a whole.. i call us rainbows.. but thats just me. Anyways i joined jennifer and was a little bummed to see that a lot of people were outside now. I wished jennifer went under the tree like she was going to. I glanced up to see everyone and sam was there, He looked up.. and i wasn't just going to stare at him so i waved and then he did this whole look like a teacher gives her 6 year old when he did something bad.. except it was like that, and then looking high, and it was just like ok? I can't wave to you? I just don't like when im in the hall. and some one is clearly starring at you but they just stare i think its weird so i always wave.. like.. yeah hi? i see you ? or .. um hi.. i didn't mean to be starring at you. I don't know its just who i am. I am awkward. get over it. IT really kinda pissed me off, like i seriously wanted to punch him in the face. We all know i could never really punch anyone in the face and really do it, with an exemption to my sister, and even after her i would feel bad. Hate is an easier emotion. I include anger in that by they way, Because I actually think Anger is the easiest, hates to strong to just come easily, but when i say hate i mean it more twords anger, and to a smaller degree like dislike. Was it because it was almost the same expression he had when he was high? only angrier, or was it because he made a face in general. I dont know i didn't get it, why do i over think everything. Seriously though, He was looking at me too.. obviously because thats how we looked at eachother in the first place it takes to so whats he so freeking upset about, or did he just feel like being a total ass. Either way. i was like well fuck this. I kissed jennifer goodbye and then left her to the wolves. (dramatic xD) I sat with my other friends. My friends that are so care free. Rin. Carey. amd renne. renee is the only one i think with confident issues, but its, I didn't talk much during lunch , i didn't have much to say. We went back to math and i was just not feeling up to it. I just didn't like how sam looked. I can't believe i care this much about a fucking face.. but its not that hes mad at me.. ITs the way he looked. IT wasn't sam. well not my sam.. but there is no my sam anymore. .. theres not an old sam, theres not any sam left of what i new . Maybe there is .. since that morning he came to my door.. there was something there, but there was nothing there in the court yard. Maybe he'd like it better if i stopped trying to be so damn friendly, and if i just stared at him with NO emotion at all.. just a flat stare. If it ever happens to were we meet like that agin, I think ill be prepared. No one can understand .
I ran away to the art room.. I love that room more then anywhere in that school. Its the one place.. the one teacher that understands when you just need to take a day. Mrs hanky my art teacher was not teaching that block, the new art one teacher was in there, but she let me stay. I drew and listened to music that whole class period, it was wonderful. I wish i could have stayed all day. I needed all day to re center myself. I Was not there, and i had not been all morning. Before i went there i had to get a pass, I saw our math teacher in the hall and asked if i passed my SOL .. i probably looked a little shaken up, because he looked a little comical, like calm down yeah you passed, he put his arm over my shoulders, it was kind of creepy, HE also did this creeper like crazy eye contact thing, i passed, that was one relief. one.
I kept fuckin everything up when we were practicing, or thats what it seemed like everyone kept yellin at me, I dont think they understood that i really did not feel like doing that, i think hunter did .. but rose was all >:O mah come on sweet heart or whatever in this tone that i hate.. like talking down on me. I was just super pissy and sensitive all day, actually i would have thought i was on my period, but i already had mine for the month so that wasn't it. I could not focus and i was so afraid of fucking up in front of everyone, not that it would have mattered its only a church thing.. but still.. I just did not like it. I did not want to be there, i wanted to go home and draw. and do something anything, even sleep. Just to get out of everyones way. we did it and it was ok, i did not feel like it was good, but they were pleased and i was being a little critic all day. We got compliments, but im used to that... as horrible as that may sound. Its true. Hunter was excited, he had fun from what i got out of it, that was his first like performance performance, Since he dropped out last time he was going to do talent show with us, he just had to much going on. I wish he stayed in it, then agin it happened and made it better, because then we got rose and the two boys and two girl thing worked out very good.
I don't remember when hunter did this, but i know it made me feel so much better, it wasn't like a OMG HUNTERS TOUCHING ME.. it was just nice.. like i wish i could stay here forever.. like im safe from all the silly outside troubles. It was when hunter like was behind me and he hugged me at the waist, and i could lean back on him.. and it was wonderful, like the safer of my art room, only instead i was in his arms.. and i kinda prefer it that way .
I had another bad dream with sam in it that night, and then i just remember hunter hugging me like he did that day.. and it was the only good thing about my dream.
Sam is becoming such a jerk and he does not care.. i still care i dont want him to be some judgemental jerk.. but honestly, i think i am done careing i dont feel sorry anymore, im going to be the bitch he see's me as. because i cant just tit here and take all his bs. He is getting more and more with the drugs, and it really messes with me, why? why does the way he is mess with me so much, i think im going to go running, I'm not hurt that he hates me, i'm hurt by they way he looked, he looked like your average boy, your average boy who was an ass to most people who he didnt know.. and come to think of it.. since i think sam is judgemental that makes sense, him being selective.. i am going to go running, i havent in a while.. and it might help since no one is here and i need to do some thing.