The only events today that were worh crossing my mind for a second take, would be third block., which means math.we have first lunch, and i havent eatin lunch with sam yet, since the SOLS were all last week, and they changed the lunches up. .I just dont know what he wants me to do. and richard and jenniffer went sitting at the table, they abondend me! So, was i sopposed to just sit there and feel horrible? I was, i was going to see what was going to happen but then my friend brook called me over and i sat with her and allison Ferrel, She isnt the same allison i go to school with or anything, i met her in the theater program . Lunch ended soon enough, all we really talked about was typical conversation which was actually nice, i mean we talked about the weather, and i learned about there relationship status, there both unhappy with it, allison thinks she isnt good enough for somone, or there just isnt anyone good enough for her. Brooks had her share of boy friends, but shes single now, and she likes somone who isnt interested.. So when i did get back to class Shelby wasn't there today apparently ricahrd and jenjen wernt the only ones to abonden me...so that left me and sam, however today in math.. We did absolutly nothing, other then a work sheet of ridles, a work sheet that we had already done in the begining of the year, though i didnt remember the answers .. i didnt care because i was in a book, because i didnt want to feel any more awkward then i felt. Sam was sitting there next to me while all his friends were at the other table.. i didnt understand why he wouldnt just go sit with them, i felt like i was holding him captive or somthing though i siad nothing. I wont lie i liked his company, like it just made it seem like even though he's hurting he wanted to be there.. So even though i came off as distracted and unconcerned, i really wasn't to involved in my book, i was reading it, but i was reading somthing else too. he left me for a while and i was happy, because i didnt feel so weird, like i was making him sit by me and be sad. i was glad he wasnt just sitting there, seeming to be suffering. I want him to be as happy as he can, and it just seems to make it worse when hes near me. Like Why was he still sitting here, when im not even talking, not doing anything that would be worth sitting there for. But he did come back, and i wanted him to just be with his friends because i feel like hes so much happier, and i only feel that because its true, but really it didnt make sense to me. SO i kept reading, like it was my excuse as to why i wasnt talking, but it was really because i was hiding, like i have been doing, maybe thats why i have felt disguised latly. I didnt realize it until sam posted a bulliten about how un effected i have been, and he didnt understand.. but im effected so much more then im letting off. And thats just who i am, i bottle things, to avoid any conflict, or just to seem like im un emotional. In this case however i think im hiding because im afriad of letting myself go, i mean right now i am in control of my emotions, but what if i let go ? what if i just started to let everything out i have ever help in and i cry, and cry. That wouldnt help anything, because crying does nothing. If i let myself go, then i might lose control of what i have worked to contain, and i dont want that, i like being in control, i need the peace it brings me. And therefor i wont cave in. I am happy, truly. I just miss my friend thats all. Whats really pathetic though is that I wont talk to him or make any conversation but i want to so badly, and its pathetic because i sit here and i wait, im waiting for him to post entrys so i can know just what hes doing, and how he is. Its like i want him to be online right now, on aim...even though i dont talk to him, i feel better when he is online, yet i know right now he is so much happier with His friends. Those friends that can make him happy, and how i am so thankful for them, regardless of that bad things they do .
And thinking about control, im at my moms house agian and.. my sister threw abother one of her "drama episodes" she had been nagging her all day and finally my mom stepped in thats when she went beserko because she isnt used to that. She was nagging me like she was my mom, like she always does and it ended in saying how i get eveything, we went to the grociery store and i picked out some cucumbers, and thats where she started the i get everything.. it was just one cucumber. They make me happy. ANyways if she was a boy, i would say she would have the symtoms of an early abusive husband. liek the kind of people that your sopposed to avoid when it comes to relationships. She montitors everything my mom does, like she will talk to my moms friends and steel her phone, to know whats going on, or just to get into every bit of her own life, because jessica just has to be in it. Shes a constant critic, along with being selfish . she has always been there to target where it effects people most, thats what she does and she knows it, she knows she has the power to piss somoen off because she knows just where to pick at. My mom thinks shes jealous, and shes right, she is so jealous of everythign she will never be happy, because i really believe getting rid of desire is one of the only ways to truly be happy. If your jealous then all you have is the desire to have what everone else does. I think she likes control and when she doesnt have it, shes scared, or doesnt reaact well, i only think that because she is contantly controlling my mom, who she talks to when, and where, its like my moms the child, she treats me the same way. And its fucked up.
