Ok this ismy first journal entry on the computer. It's
not a good. The whole reason I'm making this is so when I
need to talk I can type and feel like someone is listening.
My old one on paper is still around here somewhere, But i can't
write fast enough to get my feelings out. Hopefully All these
entries won't be negative becasue my life is full of lots of
positive and happy things, but i don't have friends to talk to, my
family isn't close with me, and I can't exactly talk to Mary when
the problem is related to her because she jsut gets mad and doesn't
listen. So... congratulations Wordpad, you're my new friend.
All my life I've been in relationships off
and on with different people, and none of them have every truely
thought I was attractive or, "wanted," me. I have tried
everything I can to be attractive, I've changed the way i dress,
I've changed the way I talk, the way I act, and even changed the
way I think. This feeling... is honestly one of the worst
feelings in the world. Particularly with Mary.
I love Mary more than I have ever loved
any human being. I would go to the ends of this world and
back for her. I'd give up anything for her, I'd die for her,
and I'd stand before the entire world and tell them all that she is
the one; that I don't care what anyone thinks, she's my soulmate...
the one I am meant to be with. But what I don't understand is
why she doesn't find me attractive anymore. When we first got
together, Mary honestly wanted me, she found me almost
irresistible, and atleast acted like she really thought I was an
attractive person. However, as time past, she slowly started
to phase out of it. She began wanting to have sex with me
less and less, she started touching me less often (in both sexual
and non sexual ways), and she almost completely stopped kissing
me. I mean, she honestly kisses me so rarely, that when she
does, it feels like I've done something good and something very
very special is happening. Which of course is a good thing,
however I don't think anyone should ever have to feel that pure
embarassment and internal hurt that comes from having someone turn
away when you close your eyes and go to kiss them. Especially
when there is as much feeling behind it as there is with me.
Why is it like this? I ask myself that question all the time.
I thought for a while recently that she
maybe just wasn't that much of an affectionate person, which would
have been a whole nother problem in itself, since I am a very
sensitive, loving, and caring person, and I feel a great amount of
extasy just physically touching, hugging or kissing. Well,
It's been getting to me more and more lately, It seems as if there
is always some kind of excuse. One night she's sick, then the
next she's still sick, then her knees hurt to bad, then we have to
get up early, then she has a headache, then it's to late, then
she's on her period, then we have to get up early again, then she's
sick again, then it's to late, and so on and so forth. What
do I have to do to make this woman want me enough to the point
there once in a while she'll enjoy making love to me so much that
she will make an exception???
So naturally, as my mind wonders and I
worry, I start to remember things I don't want to. "I really
liked him, so I gave it up to him anytime he wanted it." (in
reference to Matt.) ... You don't really like me? wtf?
Am i completely wasting my time? Or the references to Brandon
atleast on a weekly basis, sometimes with fucked up shit, like when
we were about to go horse riding together for the first time, "Holy
shit, brandon was almost that big." ... that's awesome, you
made it repeatedly clear before we got together that brandon was
fucking huge and that you took a giant dick repeatedly and it,
"Hurt so good." (if you havent figured out at this point,
everything in parathesis are exact words that have come out of her
mouth). ... again, that's just fucking fantastic, sorry I
don't have a 12 inch dick, and sorry I don't remind you of a god
damn fucking horse when you see me naked. Sorry, If I could
change it I would, just for you hunny, but I can't, so If what I
have isn't good enough, spare me the embarassment of you
edventually getting bored and fucking around on me, or the
embarassment of me trying to appear attractive or sexy to you and
being shot down repeatedly. I really wish that rather than
you constantly reminding me of brandon, you would just focus on
trying to build some memories with me. He's fucking gone, he
screwed you over almost as badly as I got screwed over, so move the
fuck, on and let's see if this can be real? I'm not brandon,
you need to hit the fucking refresh button on your brain and stop
laying expectations on me based of him. I don't lay
expectations on you based of my ex's. Granted most of them
were bad experiences, but everyone has, "Good times" as some point,
otherwise relationships wouldn't have happened. I don't carry
over any expectations from those times to this relationship because
that's fucked up and simply not right.
I'm really begining to wonder why Mary
doesn't associate sex with love. Another thing she's made
abundantly clear before is that after brandon, she went around hate
fucking people left and right. ... That's great, but hate
fucking, and making love are two completely different things.
Instead of just having someone who wants to fuck you and not be
there to do the dishes tomorrow, or who when you're upset, sad and
the whole world feels like its coming down, won't really give a
rat's ass, how about you open your fucking eyes and look infront of
you, to the man who is making it repeatedly clear that he'd do
anything for you, and that honestly truthfully loves you for you,
not just for your pussy. Don't put words in my mouth and
fucking say that's all I want, because it's not. I havent had
sex with people repeatedly, or given oral to random people of all
races, and gotten oral from random people in showers (Fucking
thanks for mentioning that). I'd hate to say it, but I just
havent been sexually involved with enough people for me to feel
like love can't be behind it, and that the feeling of making love
can't be very simularly compared to the extasy of love. The
same feeling of laying in bed late at night watching a romantic
movie together, or the same extasy of love that you feel when you
come in from a bad day and that significant other gives you a hug
and kiss and tells you that you're an amazing person. I was
brought up on values of love, My parents loved me as a child.
We had our problems, as do all families, but they honestly loved
me. I loved all my siblings and they loved me also. But
there's a different kind of love, that i was taught, you only share
with one special person. Someone you've never met before, but
someone who will complete you and you'll share so many things
together. One of those things being the unparralleled feeling
of making love. I don't understand how the feelings you have
when you are making love, don't set off the fireworks inside, don't
light the fire of love, and don't make you look at that other
person, the one person in the world who should care more than any
other at that moment in time, any differently.
There are two types of people in this
world when it comes to sex. There are the people like me, wh
honestly think that sex is simply a way to show affection and love,
the kind of people who don't have sex with people if there is
simply not some kind of feeling there. Granted, I've been
there and tried, "hate fucking," one time, and it was honestly one
of the most miserable moments in my life, not to mention that i
despise thinking about myself doing that. I am simpy a better
person than that. Sex and Love go hand in hand, it's the one
thing that you can share with one other person. In theory,
noone else in the whole world can share that expierence with either
of you during that relationship, exept the two of you. so
yeah... that's the group I fit into. Then there's another
group. There is a group of people who feel absolutley no
feeling inside of thier heart when they have sex. That's
simply all they do, have sex. Women who just want to be
drilled as hard as possible, don't want to hold hands, do want to
run their fingers along each others bodies, don't want to say i
love you. They just want it quick, dirty, and
feelingless. <---- That thought... honestly is perhaps the
most apalling thought in the entire fucking world to me and
honestly makes me nauseated to think about. This is the
catagory my ex wife fits into, and one of the major problems we
had. Since their is no feeling tied to it, there is no reason
not to cheat, if you think it'll be good, and there's no reason to
care about anyone's feeling but your own. "It's all about me
and what I get out of it." That's how women in that category
think. I fight with myself almost on a daily basis and tell
myself that's not mary. If she wants it like that, fine, as
long as she enjoys it and still wants me. Everytime we do it,
I completely freak out on the inside, afraid of weather i preformed
well, because if not, mary simply won't want it again for a
while. and even if she doesn end up wanting it, she'll just
go masturbate in the fucking shower by herself of when she sends me
to get food (That particular experience matched some of the most
pissed of moments in my life).
If you honestly love me, stop thinking the
same way whores and women who don't care do. you want to be
called a whore in bed, that's fine, but don't act like one outside
of the bedroom. There should be some kind of feeling
associated with it, not simply the pulsing in your vagina during
and afterward. What about the beating in your chest, what
about the butterflies in your stomach, what about the thought that
this person may honestly love me, and if I make an effort this
person will be here with me, through the entire rest of my
life. The good, and the bad. Some day this person may
share a home with me, and may become my husband if I can get the
fuck over the fact that people make mistakes, and maybe just
fucking maybe, this person will raise some kind of child with me
some day.
I guess maybe the thought of all those
things just arent as special to me as they are her. Mary's
priorities are so fucking backwards it's not right. I'm
trying, so fucking hard, with every ounce of energy I have, to be
the man she wants. For her to look at me and think to
herself, "He's so fucking amazing in every way." and for her to
find me attractive. Mary, I can find an excuse every single
night of the week not to make love if I want to, Anyone can.
But that's not what lovers and people who are honeslty in love
do. People who are in love honestly, don't let the fire burn
out, and even if they stay up half the night, get 3 hours of sleep
and go to work, and school, they do it anyways, because it's worth
it to both of them. Then when they are tired and feel like
crap the next day, they think back to the night before and how
amazing it was.
Am I the only person left in this world
who feels this way? What can I do differently? Why do I
feel like I'm never special to anyone? I'm 22 years old, All
I want is to find someone who will love me and feel the same
way.
Tired