June 1, 2007

Well, I have effectively lost two journal entries. Not that I care though. This whole exercise is nothing more than a way to clarify my thoughts and clear my head. After I write it I feel like I have accomplished the task. Whether it is gets lost in cyberspace or not is irrelevant. I don’t care if anyone sees it. It’s just a way to get everything out.

June 2, 2007

The past couple of days have been crazy. I haven’t been able to write like I want to. In fact, I wasn’t even able to finish what I had started yesterday. I am constantly interrupted and I just don’t have a spare moment ……Even now I am being constantly interrupted! I’ve been trying to write this little bit and it’s taken about half an hour. *sigh*

Okay, there went another 15 minutes. Salesman at the door. Maybe this journaling thing won’t work. Being a mother of two very energetic children, helping a family get back on their feet by having them live with us, and trying to keep the house clean has taken any amount of spare time I can afford……be back again *sigh*…….

Okay, there went another 15 minutes……..This is becoming ridiculous. Is it possible for a mother with so many things on her plate to do? I haven’t had hardly any time whatsoever to even draw lately…..That’s the worst part really – not being able to draw or paint because time isn’t allowing it. I feel like I am withering inside because of it. I really need to draw and paint. To not do it is like not being able to drink water. This is a great cause of frustration for me.

The other day we were tracked down and basically accused of giving everyone the flu at a party. Nevermind the fact that we weren’t even at the party in question and their symptoms weren’t even the same as the symptoms we suffered with nearly 2 weeks ago. But these wonderful Christian people somehow have blamed us for it. It is the most ridiculous thing we have ever heard! Over the past 12 years we’ve been called demon possessed, unbiblical, trouble makers, heretics……but never bio terrorists! LOL! It is just the funniest thing we have ever been blamed for. Paul and I have been laughing ourselves silly for the past 2 days! We aren’t mad at all, or even hurt. It’s just too darn funny to get upset over. I mean, who in their right mind would try to track down where the flu came from?? The flu is going around so badly right now one of them could have gotten it from the store and then in turn gave it to everyone at the party. I actually think it was the meat at the party. Only the people who ate the meat got sick. So this has been a great cause of fits of laughter!! It’s just so funny!

Yesterday Paul got a call from his principle saying that one of his students was arrested for murder over the weekend. Apparently it was a random act of violence, too. No reason for it whatsoever. And seeing as this boy is 18 he’s looking at a possibility of Death Row. This sent Paul into a tailspin and really bothered him. He felt so badly and wondered if he should have said some things differently, done something to help him…..He knows he can’t blame himself for it, but the “what if’s” plague him. It has been very hard for him to deal with. It was quite a blow. His heart goes out to the family of the victim.

It seems that lately life is full of distractions. Everytime we try to get together with Joe and Hope something comes up to stop it. Sickness of the kids, tooth pain emergency, stuff……We both feel like it is very important that we get together and pray but it just doesn’t seem to happen. Something keeps stopping us. It sure does make one wonder…….

I don’t even know where to start. I don’t even know how to put to words everything that has been going on. I’m so overwhelmed….

I truly feel that God is telling me to journal what is going on in my life right now, at least for the time being. Who knows how long this will last. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate journaling. I’m not good at it. Truth is, I stink at it! I’ll put in one entry with all the intentions of actually doing it “for real this time” and that poor little first entry is left quite lonely and forlorn. Will this happen now too? It could. I really don’t care really. I will give it my best, and if this one entry is left alone in the vast cyber world, oh well. But I will give it my best.

But I’m still left overwhelmed and not knowing where to start. And my little rant about how poor of a journal writer I am didn’t help any. LOL! Did I mention that I’m a procrastinator, too? Quite obvious now, I’m sure…..

*sigh* Where do I start? I suppose this whole turn of events that will be disclosed shortly began with finally getting together with a couple my husband, Paul, and I felt a strong connection to. We’ve known them for 2 years now, but no matter how many times we tried to get together it just didn’t happen. Yet we still felt a connection that we couldn’t explain with them. Finally we were able to mesh our schedules. Instantly we truly did connect to them. We very quickly became best friends. It is hard to explain, it is hard to comprehend….It was so fast! It was as if it was just meant to be.

One day soon after first meeting, we were at Joe and Hope’s house for supper. They had just recently bought their home in Clearwater. Paul and I have always had such a strong feeling of attachment to the Clearwater/Largo area but we thought it was only because we felt called to work a home group there from the church we were at. We had no other thoughts whatsoever. Out of the clear blue Hope says: “I wouldn’t normally say this, but are you going to plant a church in Clearwater?”

I instantly balked. “No! No, no, no, no!” I didn’t want any part of that. I was happy just helping my husband with the home group.  Plus, after the hurt we went through in Vermont, I was in no mind of trying that process again. Then Paul made the shock even more striking. He said,  “Honestly, I think I’d like that, but not right now.”

I stared at him. “What??? No! We were going to go back home to Michigan after you finished your schooling….we were going to go back home!”

“Well, I don’t know, April…..” he said. Hope saw how scared I was by this and said how sorry she was for scaring me. She truly didn’t mean to frighten me. I stuttered some answer I don’t recall now. I was just taken aback. But then I completely put it out of my head. While I knew deep down inside that I wasn’t going to be able to go back home to Michigan, I didn’t want to let that go at that time. It wasn’t mentioned again for a while.

Then God began moving in Paul’s life like I’ve never seen before. I watched the painful process of God yanking out every belief my husband thought he believed and slowly rebuilding my husband. I remember him sitting on the edge of the bed, crying. (Paul doesn’t cry.) He said he felt so empty, like God took everything out. He said it felt as if someone had tore much like a stump out of the dirt, tearing the roots. He felt so broken. He said, “I don’t know what I believe anymore. It’s all gone! All I know is that God is God and Jesus died and raised from the dead for us. That’s all I know anymore.” It was so painful for him because he has always seen himself as a strong Christian.

I watched as God began to change Paul. Paul has always been a wonderful man, a very kind husband, a very good person. Compared to now, though, I don’t know….it’s unbelievable! He’s truly a completely different man! He is so passionate about Christ now, passionate about his love for me and the kids, passionate for his friends, and even passionate for those who don’t like him. I always thought I saw him love…..but this kind of love transcends everything…..I can’t explain it. This love is perfect love…..

Things have been happening so much! How do I write everything down? It’s all so overwhelming. God’s presence, God’s love, His majesty, His absolute immensity! There is so much to this story……So much! But I just don’t know what to say…..

Right now I need to cut to the chase and explain the rest later…..With all of this immense change God has been moving in ways I have never seen before and with such speed it gives you whiplash. God has called Paul to plant a church, one that he has always dreamed of, and for the first time ever he actually has a passion for it, for people, for Jesus! God has set up this whole thing so smoothly and perfectly, even while we were completely unaware! He moved Joe and Hope to Clearwater, another couple (also in the homegroup) were moved to Largo, Paul’s work as a teacher is in Clearwater, and we have always felt drawn to Clearwater, wanting to buy a house there. He waited for us to meet with Hope and Joe because it wasn’t the right time yet. Everything is on the timing! It has and continues to be fully orchestrated by something much bigger than we are. God has His hand on this and we can’t even fully grasp it! Other friends of ours are also going through a complete life change right now with God, much like how Paul did…..We’ve been meeting with them, encouraging them to follow God wherever He tells them to go, no matter where that is. They long for that passion….

Today was a rough day, though…..We met with the pastor of the church we have been going to. We asked for his blessing and friendship in our moving out with God. It didn’t go well at all. He said what we were doing was unbiblical and unstable, which isn’t the case. What a blow it was for me! It isn’t going to stop us from following God, but I was so saddened by it. Lord, no matter what, please love him and protect him. Have him do what is right for his life, grow the church he is pastoring, bless him, Lord! Truly, truly bless him. I mean that with my whole heart.

We need to trust in You, Lord Jesus. You are in control. You know what will come and You will lead us. You have led us so far and we didn’t even know it. How perfectly it has been done too! How can we doubt You? I surrender everything to You, Lord. Like that song: If you say go, we will go. If you say stay, we will stay. If you say step out on the water, and they say it can’t be done, we’ll fix our eyes on You and we will come. I mean that with my whole heart. Even if it sounds crazy, I will do it! I trust You will lead us, Lord, all of us. I trust that You are in control.