I'm trying to solve my life...

So I created this blog because I need an outlet for helping myself.  I feel so alone, yet in reality, it's more like feeling ignored by those around me.

Over the past few months my life has become so hechtic.  Between problems with the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with (we're just dating so at least no divorce is looming), financial woes, gaining 20 lbs, a lawsuit pending, and friend issues.... I'm feeling totally overwhelmed.  I've tried everything to get the pain out, I've cried.. I've screamed... I've pondered... I've relaxed.  It's gotten to the point that I'm completely out of control.

I've turned into a control freak.  I can't get into elevators... an irrational and silly fear, but I'm afraid they're going to stop while I'm inside.  My lifelong fear of heights has reached an all-time high.  I can't fly.  My boyfriend is telling me I'm a control freak.... I'm scared that I'm losing everything in my life to this anxiety.

I'm stressed... and tired... my eyes hurt from crying.

So I didn't go to work today. I'm trying to figure everything out and get recentered.

I'm not happy in my relationship anymore and I don't know how to fix it.  He says that I'm the one that's changed and I just don't know how to reverse the damage, no matter whose fault it is.  I'm tired of fighting, but I don't want to be without him.  Am I more afraid of just being alone? I'm not sure.  I don't want to feel like this anymore, achy and lonely, and hurting.

I feel like this day has made me relax a little... I needed some introspective time.  And I needed it to be on my own terms, without him pushing me away and saying he was giving me space.  I needed this day to refresh my mind and know that this was important to me.. not that I didn't know in the first place, but I needed the time.  Moreso, I needed him to tell me that this was fixable.  Last night all he could say was "I don't know if we can work through this".... now today he says it can be fixed with time.  People say that you say things when you are upset that you don't mean, but itsn't it more about saying what you mean without filter?  I'm so tired of thinking.

My eyes hurt, my face hurts... I can't stand feeling this stressed anymore.  I haven't even delved into everything.

Even on this obscure website I'm worried about people figuring out who I am and whose thoughts these are... I don't want to be so open.