I'm trying to solve my life...

again... its a vicious cycle

2008-01-31T23:21:00.000Z

So I'm sitting here in front of the computer again at an obscene hour on a day I need to get up for work.

It's 1130. I've spent the last SIX hours fighting with my boyfriend about some last minute "business trip" he is going on. He's going to Mexico. So his boss lives there.... doesn't change the fact that he found out a day and a half before he was leaving. Interesting that he packed a bathing suit. Of course this prompted a due fight which resulted in things being slammed, obscenities being hurled, and more damage being done to our frail relationship.

I can't fight anymore. He feels like I fight out of anger, but in reality I'm fighting for us. I'm fighting for this relationship to last. I'm fighting for us to win this battle of discomfort. I'm so weary of feeling this way; feeling so hopeless and out of control. It's all up to him now and his three day business trip to a vacation/honeymoon locale in his luxury spa resort.

I hate this aspect of my life. I hate not understanding where he is coming from and how he thought it was acceptable to go on this trip so last minute without discussing it with me? And I even said, hey I could come with you! Apparantly that isn't okay either. That's not "conforming" he says.

But since when have weekend business trips been the norm.

I even stooped so low in my tears to call my worried father who promptly gave me the cliche "if it looks like shit and it smells like shit-- it's probably shit." eased my worries so much.

wish me luck at work tomorrow plastering on my happy-go-lucky, bright eyed and bushy tailed, fake ASS SMILE.

Catching up

2008-01-28T17:20:00.000Z

So I didn't go to work today. I'm trying to figure everything out and get recentered.

I'm not happy in my relationship anymore and I don't know how to fix it. He says that I'm the one that's changed and I just don't know how to reverse the damage, no matter whose fault it is. I'm tired of fighting, but I don't want to be without him. Am I more afraid of just being alone? I'm not sure. I don't want to feel like this anymore, achy and lonely, and hurting.

I feel like this day has made me relax a little... I needed some introspective time. And I needed it to be on my own terms, without him pushing me away and saying he was giving me space. I needed this day to refresh my mind and know that this was important to me.. not that I didn't know in the first place, but I needed the time. Moreso, I needed him to tell me that this was fixable. Last night all he could say was "I don't know if we can work through this".... now today he says it can be fixed with time. People say that you say things when you are upset that you don't mean, but itsn't it more about saying what you mean without filter? I'm so tired of thinking.

My eyes hurt, my face hurts... I can't stand feeling this stressed anymore. I haven't even delved into everything.

Even on this obscure website I'm worried about people figuring out who I am and whose thoughts these are... I don't want to be so open.

reachingout

2008-01-28T01:21:00.000Z

So I created this blog because I need an outlet for helping myself. I feel so alone, yet in reality, it's more like feeling ignored by those around me.

Over the past few months my life has become so hechtic. Between problems with the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with (we're just dating so at least no divorce is looming), financial woes, gaining 20 lbs, a lawsuit pending, and friend issues.... I'm feeling totally overwhelmed. I've tried everything to get the pain out, I've cried.. I've screamed... I've pondered... I've relaxed. It's gotten to the point that I'm completely out of control.

I've turned into a control freak. I can't get into elevators... an irrational and silly fear, but I'm afraid they're going to stop while I'm inside. My lifelong fear of heights has reached an all-time high. I can't fly. My boyfriend is telling me I'm a control freak.... I'm scared that I'm losing everything in my life to this anxiety.

I'm stressed... and tired... my eyes hurt from crying.