In a state of confusion tryin to figure out where i want to be up or down

Ive been battling a drug addiction for 5 years.. Its kinda sad if u think about it.. im only 24 and 5 years of my life wasted on being high. 

I cant lie more then i already have .. Ive been living in lies for a long time.. but atlleast im not a pathalogical liar. I have my morals I have respect for people who deserve it.. and i am a natural fighter

I am stuck in a wurlwind of fuckin problems and stress Life is like a complicated emotional roller coaster ride from hell wwe have good days and bad days.. other days well im jus fucked up to even care bout all those other days

I am sttuck between wanting to aCTULually stop being the same person ive been for the last umpteen years.. dealin with the addiction and the whole survival of the fittest.. I am pro at being a mooch i gues u could call it.. Some jus call it a hustler.. 

I dont sell drugs or my self.. never have and for the love of god.. heres hoping never do I have morals.. i guess the many years of my beatings from my fuckin douche bag father physically beating my ass over the the simplist and stupidist of things.. really got me to respect myself in the end.. in some fucked up way

I am really unsure if i wanna stop living my life the way i have like im sick of being dependant on the government.. and other people to support my addiction ive been tryin to get employment for god knows how long.. I have a gr 8 level of education cuz school was jus to complex for my head.. i hate teachers and structured courses id rather do the whole hands on thing. 

but my english sucks as we can tell. i speak well. writing paragraphs and my grammer is shit.. 

but i hope that if i continue to look for work it will come.. till then i dunno my mind runs so quickly and my thoughts.. are all over the place.. but  i shall continue later i have a needy bf who is feeling neglected.. and wants to spend time with me.. OJHHHH joy.. yay me 

till later ciao.. i cant wait too write more.. 

3:32 am,