these are the best days of our lives

A bowl of rice and a cup of chocolate milk has me settled for now, its a perfect way to calm an eventful day. Eventful is one way to put it i guess.

The retail people came by to look at my moms house, however by the time the left .. if could have been like they never came because they told us what we already new, i dont see the point. Its ridculous. they come in and end, and say somthing like "hmm yep well your on the right page and know what to do, paint, clear the clutter" .. thanks that was very inspitful. However  its not as bad as the doctor, now thats on a whole new level, I never go unless i realize that theres no chance that im going to get out of whatever sickly state of being im in without a prescriptoion or somthing. But on the typical trip its complelty aginst every bit of will i have, and as expected they typically end all the same all to predictable. "you're sick" no fucking kidding. "drink lots of fluids, and get some sleep" ..never saw that one coming, and then i can spend the whole way home, annoyed that my parent just wasted the money that they dont have.

anyways back to the "topic" of todays post. after they finally left i had to go back to pick up some clothes from my dads house, so i could stay the rest of the week there. moe jumped in the van, so he just rode along, all was ok i guess, they told me to be quick, so i ran in and grabbed everything with easy access. i did it under five minuetes for sure, and thats about as quick as im gonna go. so i go outside and they left. it made me kinda mad actually. they siad they wanted to drop moe off so i plopped on the sofa until they got back, to where i jumped up in alarm to the beating the door was getting, now what did that poor door do to deserve that? i dont like loud. I dont react well to unnessasary loudness exspecially late at night, when its the dueing of my mom, on the eadge of a break down with my sister who had no excuse, the car ride got worse they were clapping and going on about "jim" or somthing i told them to calm the fuck down. SHe was driving and right now i dont enjoy swerveing on cold harbor, when shes oblivious to everything,  i didnt find any of it to be the least bit amusing, it was scary and loud, and they were singing, with that crazy tone. She is not better, not yet. Right now she just can cover it up better, but its there and at any site of my dad or a little calm down from me, sends that cover up to some where else, because all hell breaks lose, atleast i got some bonding time with my brother. he was in the car with us . eventually while trying to make my mom stop and concentrate on the rode, she siad "no im having fun or somthing, like this is what i do i have fun now" "this is how i am with my friends" If she acted like that with her friends then i dont think she would have any unless she way pulling them out of the wack house. and if it is the way she acts with her friends, that doesnt mean she should act like that with us. she isnt our friend, she is our mom. she can be responsibility free, but in a situation like that you have to know where the line ends.  then agian it could have been that she didnt take her medicine, or that her sugar was high. And i dont mean to be a critic or ruin somones fun or whatever, but i think she needs to face this reality, even if its not her first pick, its the only way she can really be happy in the long run, if she keeps trying to cover it up, thats all she will ever be able to do. That was not somone having fun, it was insanity, she needs to realize that people dont act like that, and its not normal. maybe im a little controlling, i think i have issues, but i really do just want to do whats best . not for me, but whats best for my mom, my sister has no excuse, shes just crazy and whats worse is that they think i am the one who is brainwashed, and i know where that word came from. its because my dads always saying jessica is brain washed, because she hates my dad so much for no cause, so my mother, ofcorse since my dad did it has to pull the same card, though i dont hate my mom, i didnt say anything like that i have nothing aginst her, except that she needs some controll in her life, and she needs to make that herself. everythign both parent says about the other, with that they did or siad i dont care, its one of those things where i have learned to have it in one ear and out the other. I am pleased with the way i can block things out. Like when i read, i can read with all the yelling around me, im so used to they way things used to be, the constant disbutes, violence between my brother, and his anger issues, im so used to tuning out jessica being a brat and starting hell. From when i was younger, all very charachter building, and i think alot of the time they would pull me in, because i was such a neutral player, refusing to take either side, most the time i did feel like it was on me to make them stop, to bring the peace, and alot of the time when i actually just looked at they way things were handled it was, it was plain stupidity, like how could i have been a spawn of any of this? was i the only one with anysense? Somtimes i wouldnt even bother, because of how stupid the whole thing was, so i would sit there in between them and refuse to here any of it, like i wasnt even there. and other times i would just .. just tell them to look at themselves, seriously for just a little, and then maybe on the lucky days they would, and they would get quiet, and then later that day come and apologize for it, when it wasnt me who needed an apology. and i think i still feel like its on me to make things right, to help my mom like i have to be more mature then she is, because its not clicking. its just not there. and alot of times even today i'll still, maybe ill be in the car and they start ranting about eachother and i stop them, with my dad, he starts by saying your right im sorry, your mom reeally is a good person i shouldnt blah blah, my mom reacts differently she will cry and just ramble, im not really sure but she knows she making yet another mistake, and thats how she feels, like she screws everything up. when its ok . its not that big of a deal, and both of them apologize, i dont want that either, and then if you'd believe it they might apologize for apologizing! ..   m.

hmf. well that was an unexpected rant. a "total blast from the bast and back " ... i guess.

THE expected empty feeling has finally hit me, i think its because i lost my friend, not just my boy friend, so yeah it left a little space. but i have a new feeling too, and its tingly, and wild. Its exciting really, because i dont know what to expect i dont know how im going to feel next week ? im thrilled! to be honest. but for the moment i will admit to being a alittle caught up on sam, in the back of my mind i cant help but to be thinking quite often, what hes doing, how hes feeling, if he's ok. stuff like that. and i was thinking, how we read eachothers blog, he siad he thought i was avoiding his calls, and i didnt want to be his friend? hes the one that siad i shouldnt talk to him. I didnt answer cause i wasnt near my phone, he of all people should know i rarely have possesion on that, and thinking about still keeping some relationship with sam, wouldnt being emial buddies be the same as what were doing now, just more straight foword. i mean we read eachothers blogs, and we kinda are responding i have tried not to, because i was seeing them as journals and pretending like i dont read them, like not letting what they say effect me, or i cant respond or somthing, but its kinda like were talking through our journals, atleast thats how i feel.  Im hopeing for the best though. me and my optimism .

A bowl of rice and a cup of chocolate milk has me settled for now, its a perfect way to calm an eventful day. Eventful is one way to put it i guess.

The retail people came by to look at my moms house, however by the time the left .. if could have been like they never came because they told us what we already new, i dont see the point. Its ridculous. they come in and end, and say somthing like "hmm yep well your on the right page and know what to do, paint, clear the clutter" .. thanks that was very inspitful. However  its not as bad as the doctor, now thats on a whole new level, I never go unless i realize that theres no chance that im going to get out of whatever sickly state of being im in without a prescriptoion or somthing. But on the typical trip its complelty aginst every bit of will i have, and as expected they typically end all the same all to predictable. "you're sick" no fucking kidding. "drink lots of fluids, and get some sleep" ..never saw that one coming, and then i can spend the whole way home, annoyed that my parent just wasted the money that they dont have.

anyways back to the "topic" of todays post. after they finally left i had to go back to pick up some clothes from my dads house, so i could stay the rest of the week there. moe jumped in the van, so he just rode along, all was ok i guess, they told me to be quick, so i ran in and grabbed everything with easy access. i did it under five minuetes for sure, and thats about as quick as im gonna go. so i go outside and they left. it made me kinda mad actually. they siad they wanted to drop moe off so i plopped on the sofa until they got back, to where i jumped up in alarm to the beating the door was getting, now what did that poor door do to deserve that? i dont like loud. I dont react well to unnessasary loudness exspecially late at night, when its the dueing of my mom, on the eadge of a break down with my sister who had no excuse, the car ride got worse they were clapping and going on about "jim" or somthing i told them to calm the fuck down. SHe was driving and right now i dont enjoy swerveing on cold harbor, when shes oblivious to everything,  i didnt find any of it to be the least bit amusing, it was scary and loud, and they were singing, with that crazy tone. She is not better, not yet. Right now she just can cover it up better, but its there and at any site of my dad or a little calm down from me, sends that cover up to some where else, because all hell breaks lose, atleast i got some bonding time with my brother. he was in the car with us . eventually while trying to make my mom stop and concentrate on the rode, she siad "no im having fun or somthing, like this is what i do i have fun now" "this is how i am with my friends" If she acted like that with her friends then i dont think she would have any unless she way pulling them out of the wack house. and if it is the way she acts with her friends, that doesnt mean she should act like that with us. she isnt our friend, she is our mom. she can be responsibility free, but in a situation like that you have to know where the line ends.  then agian it could have been that she didnt take her medicine, or that her sugar was high. And i dont mean to be a critic or ruin somones fun or whatever, but i think she needs to face this reality, even if its not her first pick, its the only way she can really be happy in the long run, if she keeps trying to cover it up, thats all she will ever be able to do. That was not somone having fun, it was insanity, she needs to realize that people dont act like that, and its not normal. maybe im a little controlling, i think i have issues, but i really do just want to do whats best . not for me, but whats best for my mom, my sister has no excuse, shes just crazy and whats worse is that they think i am the one who is brainwashed, and i know where that word came from. its because my dads always saying jessica is brain washed, because she hates my dad so much for no cause, so my mother, ofcorse since my dad did it has to pull the same card, though i dont hate my mom, i didnt say anything like that i have nothing aginst her, except that she needs some controll in her life, and she needs to make that herself. everythign both parent says about the other, with that they did or siad i dont care, its one of those things where i have learned to have it in one ear and out the other. I am pleased with the way i can block things out. Like when i read, i can read with all the yelling around me, im so used to they way things used to be, the constant disbutes, violence between my brother, and his anger issues, im so used to tuning out jessica being a brat and starting hell. From when i was younger, all very charachter building, and i think alot of the time they would pull me in, because i was such a neutral player, refusing to take either side, most the time i did feel like it was on me to make them stop, to bring the peace, and alot of the time when i actually just looked at they way things were handled it was, it was plain stupidity, like how could i have been a spawn of any of this? was i the only one with anysense? Somtimes i wouldnt even bother, because of how stupid the whole thing was, so i would sit there in between them and refuse to here any of it, like i wasnt even there. and other times i would just .. just tell them to look at themselves, seriously for just a little, and then maybe on the lucky days they would, and they would get quiet, and then later that day come and apologize for it, when it wasnt me who needed an apology. and i think i still feel like its on me to make things right, to help my mom like i have to be more mature then she is, because its not clicking. its just not there. and alot of times even today i'll still, maybe ill be in the car and they start ranting about eachother and i stop them, with my dad, he starts by saying your right im sorry, your mom reeally is a good person i shouldnt blah blah, my mom reacts differently she will cry and just ramble, im not really sure but she knows she making yet another mistake, and thats how she feels, like she screws everything up. when its ok . its not that big of a deal, and both of them apologize, i dont want that either, and then if you'd believe it they might apologize for apologizing! ..   m.

hmf. well that was an unexpected rant. a "total blast from the bast and back " ... i guess.

THE expected empty feeling has finally hit me, i think its because i lost my friend, not just my boy friend, so yeah it left a little space. but i have a new feeling too, and its tingly, and wild. Its exciting really, because i dont know what to expect i dont know how im going to feel next week ? im thrilled! to be honest. but for the moment i will admit to being a alittle caught up on sam, in the back of my mind i cant help but to be thinking quite often, what hes doing, how hes feeling, if he's ok. stuff like that. and i was thinking, how we read eachothers blog, he siad he thought i was avoiding his calls, and i didnt want to be his friend? hes the one that siad i shouldnt talk to him. I didnt answer cause i wasnt near my phone, he of all people should know i rarely have possesion on that, and thinking about still keeping some relationship with sam, wouldnt being emial buddies be the same as what were doing now, just more straight foword. i mean we read eachothers blogs, and we kinda are responding i have tried not to, because i was seeing them as journals and pretending like i dont read them, like not letting what they say effect me, or i cant respond or somthing, but its kinda like were talking through our journals, atleast thats how i feel.  Im hopeing for the best though. me and my optimism .

So that is the issue, my mom is off her drugs. She shouldnt be though, i dont care but that is not happy, its got edge to it and she went off agian today, so i dont mind the singing in the car, its the tone, its the way she might even walk, body language and the way she is caring her voice, and the sudden need to defend herself. thats how you know thats thats not happy, if she was happy, she wouldnt need to defend herself, she would try to make it better for others because she has helped herself, and now if able to do that. because in my mind thats what happy people do.  She's changing mood by the minuete, she goes from happy (or insane make your pick) to over defensive from the slightest of questions, and then maybe she'll go off, and then go back and be happy agian but its all to sudden and all to sharp.

I miss sam more then anyone right now, IT was so hard to sit there in math and not even look at him, to avoid meeting his eyes, i was afraid of what i might see in return, and i wasnt ready for it . So i cowerd. it was difficult to sit there and watch him slump, while every part of me wanted to just reach over and try and comfort him, but i know that would make it worse. i do love him but telling him that or reaching out like such would only confuse him, because i have seen it, when break ups happen that just cant happen because its painful, its confusing and bad. and it just cant happen, its so hard because i almost would rather be stuck in that relationship to still be able to be his best friend because this is a hard loss, its like theres a hole, and empty and cold hole where i kept my relation with sam and i just have to keep reminding myself, that this is what i want. and that this is better, because i think in the long one it really is, even if what i had with sam once, may never be the same agian. .I haven't cried really. NOt yet. im holding out i think, i mean im not straining myself over salt water staining my face, but at some points i probally could have let myself soak, but not yet i have not. and i dont know if i want to. im not sure if it will start me off on a tear spree or if i will get some releif out of it, for actually allowing myself to just let go. ... he's let me go.. but i dont think i have let him go . I mean i guess i didnt give him much of a choice but it would be wrong to force him to be my friend after putting him through that .