May 13, 2011

    Ok, some things are going to change pretty drastically in my life.  I have continually lost things over the past few months.  Some were out of my control, and some i had complete control over and failed to keep.  I've been getting lazy, becoming worthless.  I didn't go to school one time this week, I've been missing way to much school.  I've been letting my relationship go, and getting picky about things.  Rather than being thankfull for what I have in my relationship, I've been complaining and bitching and expecting rather than appreciating.  This is over.  The old Nathan - The Demon is showing again.  The Lazy, worthless fuck who fails at life.  That's over.  Starting today I am taking responsibility for all my actions.  I'm taking responsibiblity of becoming independant, this means getting a job and fully supporting myself, as well as leaving a le-way to support someone else if the situation where i need to every arises.  I am a man, My job is to provide and lead.  Weather I am proving for myself and leading myself to better decisions, a better life, and a happier inner self, or weather I'm leading myself and another significant other to all these things, it does not matter.  I am a Leader and a Provider.  I pride myself on that today.  I will not lose shit.  From now on, all of my iteams, no matter how small and insignificant they are, will be maintained, no more lost I.D. cards, wallets, phones, military equip, etc.  I'm going to get a job.  Weather it's fast food or working in a department store, I'm going to do it.  I'm not going to be irresponsible with my money.  I will spend ONLY what needs to be spent.

I am a Man, It is my Responsibility to Provide and Lead,
I will lead myself to a better life,
I will lead myself to a happer inner-self,
I will lead myself to a more enjoyable relationship,
I will lead by making good decisions and doing what I know is right,
I will lead by taking responsibility for my actions,
I will lead by always keeping accountability of my belongings,
I will fully provide for myself,
I will provide for any significant other in my life,
I will maintain an income at all times to enable myself to provide,
I will provide emotionally, financially, and physically for myself,
I will provide emotionally, financially, and physically for my significant other,
I will provide by being understanding and non-judgemental,
I will provide by being persistant in all I do,
I will never accept losing, If I lose i will re-evaluate and try again,
I am a Man, It is my Responsibility to Provide and Lead.

Success and Happiness in my life start here, with me.  Noone can, and noone will give it to me.  I have to be responsible and strong enough to go after it myself and make the decisions, and take the actions I feel are neccessary for me to be successfull and happy.  This week, I find a Job.  This week, I recover the items that are now lost in my wallet.  Begining this week and continuing moving forward, I will not expect from Mary, I will instead appreciate everything she does and remember that - I could be alone with noone.  I will love her like I have never loved before and expect NOTHING in return.  I will provide for her so that she doesn't have to and so that she feels secure with me.  When my GI bill and Refund from school come, I will start this divorce, no matter how many hours I spend looking for a lawyer or how many days I spend dreading court.  This week, I will remind all the people in my life just how important they are to me.  This week, I will get my school work caught up and stay caught up.  This is it, no turning back, I've crossed a line.  This demon inside of me is NO MORE.  Mind, Body, Soul, - the three things I need to be happy.  I have them all.  I need to focus them in on happiness.  This is it, time to be a somebody.