MyLostThoughts love, Bethany

I've been alil sad latley missing my love.. wondering things.. and very scared about whats ahead.. I miss him soo much... and its very hard to wait a year... I tend to ignore it sometimes and forget about it during my day and when im at work its not there but when i get home its all i think of.. him not being here.. being lost without him.. and hating that i need him as much as i do.. i love him soo much and i hate it... i really do bc it hurts it hurts what i went thru what im goin thru.. and what i cant even imagine... always wondering... always questioning things... will it be ok when he gets home? will he still wanna be with me? will he mess up again.. and will i be left alone again? i dunno if im strong enough to go through that again.. everyone asks why put yourself thru that.. its bc i cant imagine myself without him.. not kissing him holding his hand.. anything.. its like not breathing without him... every tear i shed pierces my heart... and i dont understand why this is the love i was given.. and why its soo hard to be in love.. and why im sad.. and why when he was here.. i didnt feel like i was worth anything... what i went thru with him when he was here.. i dont even wanna talk about i cant.. bc it will make me doubt everything... god im sooo lost I HATE BEING DEPRESSED I WANT IT TO GO AWAY.. BC THIS ISNT ME.. BEING SAD OVER A GUY.. BEING LOST AND SAD.. AND CRYING AND SOOOOO SCARED.. IT FEELS LIKE YOUR LIFE IS DEFINED BY LOVE.. WORK... MONEY.. WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE.. ETC.. AND I DONT KNO WHERE IM HEADED.. ART IS MY SOUL.. BUT AM I REALLY GOOD AT IT? I QUESTION EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE.. AM I REALLY IN LOVE OR JADED.. AM I REALLY A GOOD ARTIST OF BLINDED... AM I REALLY CONFIDENT OR STUPID.. SMART OR STUPID.. SKINNY FAT.. UGLY PRETTY.. I HAVE NOOO IDEA.. he tells me these things he gives me answers to my questions my lost and unanswered questions.. and its sad.. im 22 and in love and have no idea if its the love i want IVE ALWAYS LOVED HIM.. AND HE DIDNT ALWAYS LOVE ME.. NOW HE DOES AND IM SOO CONFUSED AS TO WHATS REAL OR NOT.. IT HURTS IMAGINGING HIM NOT THERE AND IT HURTS IMAGINING HIM THERE SOO WHAT DO I DO?? IF I CANT LIVE WITHOUT HIMMM WHO AM I WITHOUT HIM? I DONT WANNA CRY ANYMORE...