Bipolar 2 disorder, with a side of Borderline Personality Disorder. Newest official diagnosis. Bright side: a lot of things make a LOT more sense, now. Things I knew didn't fit into the bipolar, but had no other explaination for, I now have an explanation for. The best part: my therapist SPECIALIZES in BPD. Says she lovvvves working with it.

As much as moving back home and living in this shitty environment with no friends and real support system completely blows, I feel like I got really lucky in doing so. I feel like this time, I can stay in treatment. I can learn to manage. I can learn to be "normal", or as close to normal as any of us really ever get. I can fix myself, and in doing so, I can get stability.

I'm excited about this. Er, well, the fact that finally people are getting to the bottom of this, rather than throwing meds at me and spitting out cliche's for an hour a week. I'm also excited that today I found out I qualify for Voc. Rehab, who will help me pay for school. This means I can get my Bachelor's Degree after all! :D

In other news. My birthday was fantastic. My friend from Charlotte came to visit for the day/night. She brought me cheesecake, and even bought me a present. Christmas was great. My sister helped me decorate the tree, I got absolutely everything I asked for gift-wise, and mom made my favorite meal. I even got to go to Asheville this weekend to see my 3rd sister [non-related] while they were up visiting her in-laws for the holidays. Met her 1 year old daughter [my non-related niece] for the first time.

So that's life. Probably won't update again until after the new year. So happy new year, or whatever.

I realized the other day that I think I'd be okay with dating again, if I knew how to meet people. It just sort of hit me, but I miss that feeling of excitement. I'm not really known for getting a second date while casually dating, but the initial "ohmygod I have a date" feeling is pretty awesome. Though, if I'm being honest, I'd rather just find someone to hang out with. No expectations, no pressure, and if it turned into something more then great. If not, at least I'd have a new friend to occupy me and spend time with. The latter is probably the better idea, but the therapist says I should do some dating to re-boost my self-esteem. We'll see how it all plays out. Like I said, I don't know how to meet people, anyway. That's what happens when your whole life is spent behind a computer screen. I lack the proper "people skills" to just strike up conversation in person, unless required to by my job.

Then the insecure, neurotic depression sets in and I think why the hell would anyone want to hang out with me, anyway? I'm a mess. I'm on medications, I'm in therapy, I'm jobless, I'm 24 and I still live with my parents... None of that really screams "I'm ready for a relationship" or even ready to date. How would I bring them back home? I couldn't. Can you imagine how akward that would be. So these are my parents, this is my sister, and this is her husband. You guys, meet so-and-so. Yeah, that wouldn't be weird at all. Ugh. I should really just stop thinking about it, stop analyzing it, and stop obsessing. Easier said than done, but I'm going to try.

The house is still in disarray from the move. My room is the only room that's done [minus a bedframe that I'm trying to push to get up here today if at all possible]. And hopefully the living room will at least get done so that we can put up our tree and decorations. If it's not up by my birthday on Tuesday, it's not going to feel right. So we'll see. I'd also really like to be able to see Heather while she's in NC. I miss her tons and it's rare that she's ever in my neck of the woods, so I want to try and make it happen somehow! I do have some upcoming visits from Brittany [Tuesday], Brittaninininini [probably February], and Jes [maybe after Christmas]. And hopefully a trip to see Jen while they're visiting family in the state, as well. So lots of potentials to look forward to. It's always nice having something to look forward to.

I had given up on online journals recently. However, my new therapist suggested having a journal of some sort to write down goals, expectations, criteria, etc... so I had to find somewhere nuetral. Somewhere I didn't already have an old journal laying around. This led me here. I'll try not to make this one a bitch-fest and do nothing but complain, but I can't promise. Anyway, here's a starter.

Short-term goals:

Get over him and move on. Maybe even start dating again.

Understand my core issues and how to work with them and/or change the ones that need to be.

Get enrolled in school again so that I can at least finish a certification, if not a degree.

Find a job so that in a year or so I can get my own place.

STAY IN THERAPY THIS TIME. I have a real bad habit of checking out as soon as I feel improvement. Just because it's improvement, it doesn't mean I have to bail.

I'm considering doing both weekly groups that she leads. Mondays and Wednesdays. I think I'd benefit from them. Not only that, I may even make some friends. Friends that won't abuse me the way a lot of my most recent relationships have. I think I'll try Wednesday's out (since I won't be able to make today's). If that goes well, I may try next Monday's as well. Maybe it'll keep me motivated in treatment. We'll see.

This is my starting point. Just in time for the new year, let's see if I can reinvent and establish myself for a change. And let's make this stick.