Dinner last night. and a haunting face

Okay well sorry for being alittle blunt about what has happen in my past. The suicide "hotline" women, sussie, told me that i should write everything down. I really never had a onlie journal thing but I think its quite the paper bag fuck. You don't know what I look like and you dont know what is truely me only what I'm writing to you is me and thats all you can imagine. nice. Anway as you can see I'm horrible in my first language I hated english class and learning things with comas and periods. but yet I LOVED reading, thats before i met john. I used to read and now starting to read so much now. But before when I met john we had a secret pack together, it was if he went I would go with him. And if I went he would go too. But yet now I'm still here thinking why haven't I kept this promise? But anway we believe that every person is a parasite. The feed off of other people, the are closed minded and religon is a figment of our imagination. Yes, I believe part of it while he believed... he followed it... I remember before going to take walks with him I would take of my braclets, earings, and makeup . I wanted to show him I was materializitic. I'm not. But i like it but i swear I'm not. I remember those lectures on the park bench about how life is really nothing and only us can make it to something. That was the topic during the dinner we had last night. Now I'm with my new boyfriend, which i don't know why I'm seeing someone.... maybe john was correct... maybe people are just parasites that feed and need to feed off another. But yeah his name is Joesph (changed) he is 30 and sweet I guess... Its been around 6 months since john has past away.... am i emotionless to a person that i was with a loved and was about to marry.. we were together for 5 years about to be 6... its 6 now.. and I will remember him forever. right? its his birthday today....