Shhhh

I think i found him, i think hopeful i'm recovering from my lost... I met this man. that is just perfect .. or do i think he is perfect because he is hard to get?... I dont understand realy because he is so nice looking but not really. he is nice to me but then my self estem goes down to nothing and i feel like he is just fucking me just to do it... i miss john. he was perfect for me. he was perfect. with this guy i have a strange feeling. he makes me happy but then makes me feel like im nothing, nothing at all. I pick out certain thinsgs that make me hate him but then after he is so sweet and nice... i really dont understand.... salkjfkadflkjklajsfjkjsadkljflk my mind is all over the place, I feel like I want to tell someone my problems. but then.... i dont.... i have no one to talk to.... i actally dont have a good friend that i can talk to... maybe thats why i'm writing in this blog... i wish i could tell joe everything.... he is so good and laughs with me.. but i think im fucking everything up.. more an dmore with my stupid decions... ughhh going to paint